Need support please!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Need support please!
I mentioned that my Ex and I have been civil over the last few weeks.
I also said it was messing with my head.
I feel a lot better about things now, than I did last week. Meaning my boundaries are back in place, my head is mostly out of the clouds, I'm not obsessed with the fact that we are civil, it has kind of become old news.....
I am much more focused on me and my next steps.
Until I got this text message from him.
He wants to get a better job in either the schools, hospitals or colleges but can't because of the PFA. He would like to talk to me later and he is going to ask me to drop it.
Do you believe my first thought was that I would?
Then I kept thinking (this took place about 20 minutes ago)
No, I am not going to drop it. First of all, that judge believed me. and for good reason. I lose credibility and I insult the judge that granted me the order. I'll never forget standing there in that court room, shaking, terrorized, sick to my stomach and desperate. Now I should march in and tell her "Nah, I'm good"
Also, why is it my problem that he can't apply for certain jobs? It's not my problem. It's his. He did this, this is one of many many consequences he has suffered because of his abuse and alcoholism.
I'm not vouching for him again - How many times am I going to be the donkeys ass that is sticking up for him?
How do I handle this on the phone? What do I say? What do I not say?
I have to say, I "do" think that I caught his attention big time when I filed for it, and I know he doesn't want to lose his freedom and his kids - I'm quite confident that when the order expires in February, I won't have to worry about him and his actions, but it will be a little uncomfortable.
Has anyone experienced this?
How did you handle it?
I'm not supposed to drop it, right?
I don't want to drop it but I have to admit, I'm afraid of what he is going to say and how he is going to act when I refuse.
I also said it was messing with my head.
I feel a lot better about things now, than I did last week. Meaning my boundaries are back in place, my head is mostly out of the clouds, I'm not obsessed with the fact that we are civil, it has kind of become old news.....
I am much more focused on me and my next steps.
Until I got this text message from him.
He wants to get a better job in either the schools, hospitals or colleges but can't because of the PFA. He would like to talk to me later and he is going to ask me to drop it.
Do you believe my first thought was that I would?
Then I kept thinking (this took place about 20 minutes ago)
No, I am not going to drop it. First of all, that judge believed me. and for good reason. I lose credibility and I insult the judge that granted me the order. I'll never forget standing there in that court room, shaking, terrorized, sick to my stomach and desperate. Now I should march in and tell her "Nah, I'm good"
Also, why is it my problem that he can't apply for certain jobs? It's not my problem. It's his. He did this, this is one of many many consequences he has suffered because of his abuse and alcoholism.
I'm not vouching for him again - How many times am I going to be the donkeys ass that is sticking up for him?
How do I handle this on the phone? What do I say? What do I not say?
I have to say, I "do" think that I caught his attention big time when I filed for it, and I know he doesn't want to lose his freedom and his kids - I'm quite confident that when the order expires in February, I won't have to worry about him and his actions, but it will be a little uncomfortable.
Has anyone experienced this?
How did you handle it?
I'm not supposed to drop it, right?
I don't want to drop it but I have to admit, I'm afraid of what he is going to say and how he is going to act when I refuse.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Meggem
Everything about your post tells me you're still afraid of him and worried about how he'll react. It seems the PFA is shielding you from his abuse, so no, it would be premature to drop it.
The other thing is that the circumstances may not even come up. Just because he wants a different job doesn't mean he'll get one, and if the PFA expires in February he doesn't have that long to wait.
As for his reaction - why not text him and say 'after some thought I am unwilling to support the order being withdrawn' and leave it at that? No discussion, that's your decision.
If he reacts badly, remember you have recourse to the order to protect yourself. Use it.
Everything about your post tells me you're still afraid of him and worried about how he'll react. It seems the PFA is shielding you from his abuse, so no, it would be premature to drop it.
The other thing is that the circumstances may not even come up. Just because he wants a different job doesn't mean he'll get one, and if the PFA expires in February he doesn't have that long to wait.
As for his reaction - why not text him and say 'after some thought I am unwilling to support the order being withdrawn' and leave it at that? No discussion, that's your decision.
If he reacts badly, remember you have recourse to the order to protect yourself. Use it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Why are you discussing this with him on the phone when you have a PFA? Does it not specify "no contact"? Did he not just violate the order by asking you to drop it?
The mere fact that you fear his reaction if you don't drop it is a pretty darned good reason to keep it in place. The order obviously means nothing to him.
Frankly, I'd report this as a violation of the order. Short of that, if he has a lawyer, I'd contact that lawyer and let him/her know that if your ex contacts you again about dropping the order you will report it as a violation.
You said the order expires in February, if I'm not mistaken. The order is there for YOUR protection. If he can't even abide by the order that is in place now, how do you think he will behave when there are NO controls on him?
As you said, you went through a lot just to get that order. I'd keep it in place and ENFORCE it by reporting violations.
The mere fact that you fear his reaction if you don't drop it is a pretty darned good reason to keep it in place. The order obviously means nothing to him.
Frankly, I'd report this as a violation of the order. Short of that, if he has a lawyer, I'd contact that lawyer and let him/her know that if your ex contacts you again about dropping the order you will report it as a violation.
You said the order expires in February, if I'm not mistaken. The order is there for YOUR protection. If he can't even abide by the order that is in place now, how do you think he will behave when there are NO controls on him?
As you said, you went through a lot just to get that order. I'd keep it in place and ENFORCE it by reporting violations.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I am. I'm not afraid that he is going to break in my house and kill me, but I am afraid that in a few weeks or few months when the dropped pfa novelty wears off, he will feel free to text when he picks the girls up for the weekend "I have the girls, feel free to put your legs behind your head now." or "Go suck a d(ck" while I put book bags in cars and my kids are unbuckling themselves and are out of earshot.
Stuff like that.
I kind of want to hear how he states his case. Here is the guy that told me last week that he is a different person, he reads the bible and daily devotionals and has "done the work" and is in counseling -
I'd like to hear what this new person is like and how he handles the answer no.
I want him to hear my voice when I talk back.
Stuff like that.
I kind of want to hear how he states his case. Here is the guy that told me last week that he is a different person, he reads the bible and daily devotionals and has "done the work" and is in counseling -
I'd like to hear what this new person is like and how he handles the answer no.
I want him to hear my voice when I talk back.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He will "state his case" in the most manipulative way possible. He'll make it sound ENTIRELY reasonable, and that you are sacrificing your children's future if you hold him back from taking these jobs.
You don't NEED to tell him no. The ORDER told him no. He heard your voice in court when you got the order. Let the law have its turn to speak. It is the COURT's order at this point, not yours.
The best way to show him you meant what you said is to report the violation, He won't sit in jail most likely--they will take him down, he'll be processed and given a court date. And maybe then he will understand what the order MEANS. Because right now he seems to think it means zero in terms of what he can or can't do.
You don't NEED to tell him no. The ORDER told him no. He heard your voice in court when you got the order. Let the law have its turn to speak. It is the COURT's order at this point, not yours.
The best way to show him you meant what you said is to report the violation, He won't sit in jail most likely--they will take him down, he'll be processed and given a court date. And maybe then he will understand what the order MEANS. Because right now he seems to think it means zero in terms of what he can or can't do.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, you can't control how he reacts. I'd report this contact as a violation.
HE is doing this to himself. I understand the fear but don't give him even a little bit of an "in."
He shouldn't be contacting you at all.
HE is doing this to himself. I understand the fear but don't give him even a little bit of an "in."
He shouldn't be contacting you at all.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I think it is very telling that there are a few soccer games that we are able to chit chat at (the PFA states he is allowed at childrens events) and days later he is planning to ask me to drop the PFA.
As if a few civil exchanges erases everything and changes everything.
As if a few civil exchanges erases everything and changes everything.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by meggem 
Yes February.
I'm not dropping it. And I am afraid of how he will react.
I'm not dropping it. And I am afraid of how he will react.
I'm disgusted that he would say those things to you.
Remember, just because he wants to talk to you doesn't mean you have to talk to him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
And one other thing. His being allowed at the children's events isn't an invitation for him to "chit chat" with you. Those conversations, unless they are STRICTLY concerning the children (assuming that the order permits it) are violations, too. He is already taking a mile when you gave him an inch.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
No way I'd remove the PFA meggem. this smells fishy. Even after it's no longer active it will continue to show up in background checks, correct? (it did on the ones I ran on potential candidates for employment) I'm having a hard time believing that an active order against a specific individual affects his chances like he claims & if it does - it's likely to impact him even once "inactive" anyway.
His reaction will tell you everything, no doubt. The fact that you fear his reaction says it all meg - wouldn't you rather tell him "no" for the 1st time while you still have that protection in place? For all you know he's just white-knuckling to get through the PFA & has every intention to get back to drinking once that legal restriction is lifted - he may simply be asking permission to move the timeline up.
I think Lexie's right - he's already pushed the boundary so now he's seeing how far you're willing to let him go.
His reaction will tell you everything, no doubt. The fact that you fear his reaction says it all meg - wouldn't you rather tell him "no" for the 1st time while you still have that protection in place? For all you know he's just white-knuckling to get through the PFA & has every intention to get back to drinking once that legal restriction is lifted - he may simply be asking permission to move the timeline up.
I think Lexie's right - he's already pushed the boundary so now he's seeing how far you're willing to let him go.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I'm not dropping it and I'm going to listen to what you are all saying - One thing I learned through this is that I can't really trust myself - I can't always be objective. To use my head and not my heart - my heart is what got me into this mess.
But on that note I am just so tired of doing this. It's exhausting. I just wish the animosity and the hate would just go away and we could co parent.
And I didn't want my 6 year old to see dad on one side of the field and mom on the other. I wasn't sitting in his lap but when the kids had a water break, I didn't want my daughter to wonder who she should "go to" Can you imagine? If I were her I would feel pretty lousy to see my mom and dad in completely different corners. That was my logic for the soccer games.
And we were still several feet apart, I was still talking with my mom friends, but if I gave him an inch it was for my kid.
Well I have to get myself out of this and I'm not reporting it. But I suppose this is my lesson.
Civil to me is different than civil to a person like him.
I am just so frustrated right now. All I want at this point is for the anger to stop.
But on that note I am just so tired of doing this. It's exhausting. I just wish the animosity and the hate would just go away and we could co parent.
And I didn't want my 6 year old to see dad on one side of the field and mom on the other. I wasn't sitting in his lap but when the kids had a water break, I didn't want my daughter to wonder who she should "go to" Can you imagine? If I were her I would feel pretty lousy to see my mom and dad in completely different corners. That was my logic for the soccer games.
And we were still several feet apart, I was still talking with my mom friends, but if I gave him an inch it was for my kid.
Well I have to get myself out of this and I'm not reporting it. But I suppose this is my lesson.
Civil to me is different than civil to a person like him.
I am just so frustrated right now. All I want at this point is for the anger to stop.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 104
I actually went through this very same thing megg with my ex husband. Don't lift the order and quit talking to him via any methods. My ex husband used it against me in court that I contacted him back which did make me look bad. You need to stand your ground and the best thing for you to do is to hve him arrested for violating the order. My ex husband pushed me through a plate glass window at a restaurant. It helps to remember what they did to allow you to did the order. Stay strong and safe
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Thank you gcolema. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
blue-
I've done really great through all of this, however I don't have tons of experience on all of these topics, they are all first time. Well - I don't have a lot of experience being healthy and making the right choices as it relates to these topics - I have plenty of experience with the ex -
and things are going to pop up that I will have to navigate through and that is why I come here.
Maybe I'm being overly sensitive but I didn't love the "otherwise you are doing it to yourself" statement
You aren't wrong - but I feel put off by that. I have gone through hell to do what is right for myself and especially my kids.
blue-
I've done really great through all of this, however I don't have tons of experience on all of these topics, they are all first time. Well - I don't have a lot of experience being healthy and making the right choices as it relates to these topics - I have plenty of experience with the ex -
and things are going to pop up that I will have to navigate through and that is why I come here.
Maybe I'm being overly sensitive but I didn't love the "otherwise you are doing it to yourself" statement
You aren't wrong - but I feel put off by that. I have gone through hell to do what is right for myself and especially my kids.
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