Dkstinem00

My AH got out of rehab 2 months ago. He's relapsed a number of times and sometimes I thought he was drunk when he said he wasn't - the problem, he couldn't prove his sobriety and I couldn't believe a lie I had heard too many times before. So, we agreed to buy a breathalyzer - we've had it about 4 weeks. The agreement was that if he refused to take a breathalyzer than I could assume he was drunk. I've asked him to blow three times - all three times he blew .2 or higher. Tonight I got home from work and I thought he had been drinking (he has all the telltale signs). I asked him to blow and he said no - something about he promised himself that if I asked him again he would say no (not sure I follow the logic given everything he has put me through with his drinking and our agreement that he would blow or be considered drunk). He's adament that he hasn't been drinking - I believe just as strongly that he has. Tomorrow he is moving out and because he refused to blow, I am refusing to help him move all of his stuff (or take any money out of my account to help him pay for things) - he has a friend coming to help him. I'm tired of being lied to! Tomorrow he will be gone and I can start putting my life back together. But, in the meantime, am I wrong not to help him move or take money out of my account? Danielle G.

sweeks

Well...I can't tell you if you're right or wrong but I can say that I would probably have done the same thing. My mom is the A in my life and just last week I had to tell her that she wasn't welcome at my house anymore (damn hard thing to do by the way) but it had to be done and I'm confident that it's the right decision and I know for sure that I would NEVER give her money.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Danielle.

You would not be wrong to let him move himself and keep your own money if he blew and blew zero. Are you thinking that if THIS ONE time you jumped to a conclusion that you then OWE him????? Nuts.

All the things we do to check up on them are so pointless. We know when they're loaded. The only thing it does when we try to be the police is inspire more creative lies and diversions.

Let him do his own moving. And get rid of the breathalyzer. You can't control him with a breathalyzer... or anything outside of illegal force.

Hugs,
Smoke

Dkstinem00

Yeah, nuts. I agree. The reason we got the breathalyzer (and I apologize if this sounds like an excuse) is because all the trust in our relationship has been drained. Our thought was that if we had the breathalyzer when he wasn't drunk and I thought he was (for ex. if he forgot to take his anti-depressants or he was really tired...), then he could prove to me that he was sober and I would be able to learn to believe him again. It's not about controlling him as me trying to keep my sanity and us trying to restore the trust.

He just stopped by the house to pick up his computer and mock me for thinking he is drunk (yes, he is driving - I can't stop him, even if I try). Tomorrow when he is sober, he'll feel sorry for what he did today. He always wants me to forgive and forget, but I don't think I can do that anymore. I'm just really sad that I am losing my marriage and my best friend. It doesn't seem fair.

FMario

Hi Danielle. For what it's worth I have quite a bit of experience with the workings of a breathalizer. Not to say that he's not guilty, but there are certain things that can register as alcohol on a breathalizer that doesn't necessarily point to alcohol in the system. As example...if he JUST put on cologne, if he JUST sprayed himself with mosquito repellent, even if he JUST ate a bunch of citrus fruit (plus other things). All of those can register around the .02 mark on a breathalizer. Now quite frankly, I think that you're fooling yourself if you think that this guy isn't drinking. Obviously, he is, and I believe that you are making the right decision getting this clown out of your life.

My 2 cents.
=)

StandingStrong

Drinking or not - he broke an agreement that was made between the two of you. And that agreement says that if he refuses the breathalizer, then you can assume that he's been drinking. So.....since he did not talk to you to tell you about his new feelings about the breathalizer, then you should just assume that the agreement is in place and he was drinking.
So, I don't think it's more about the relationship that has fallen apart here than the actual breathalizer. The breathalizer was just the tool to show where the relationship stood. Just my opinion.

Now....It's time for YOU to get your life on the track you wish it to be. Time for you to enjoy your life and move forward (with or without him). Sending you lots of positive vibes and hugs.

JT

Hi...I am finding this very humorous. I digress to some of the interactions in my own home.

"You are smashed"

"No I am not"

I can just picture Ward in all his macho posturing insisting that I was wrong and getting a Breathalyzer to prove it! The only thing that's gets proved in this little scenario is how finely tuned my radar is!

They are sooo not unique!!
JT