Realizations
 

Am sitting here trying to figure out what my goals are going to be for today. As am thinking a memory of my xabf came to my mind about us being "close". I can't help but think we nvr really had close time an if we did I always had to bring the subject up for it to occur. B4 meeting my xabf I had a high drive,but as our relationship progressed I adjusted my drive to his so there wouldn't be any problems. I can't tell you how many times I felt so unwanted and unattractive because of this. This memory brought me to tears smh. Bc as I look back I now know I was adjusting to him to make the relationship work although it made me extremely unhappy. I told myself I could live without "closness" bc I love him that much. I was lying to myself. I can't allow that to happen anymore. No more lies in the name of love. I hve to be completely honest with myself. My goal for myself today is to love me by getting on my bike and going around the block. I will also go to a Alnon meeting tonight I really need one right now. I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post.

gcolema.......I think that is very common for those of us who have desperately wanted a relationship to "work"...and were bound to making that happen....
Bend here...bend there....until, eventually, are turned into a pretzel....or Gumby....


dandylion

g that is a very healthy realization! My mantra is "don't ever allow another person to define who you are"

Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong. You simply shared from your heart. I appreciate that. I hope you have a nice day whatever you decide to do. You deserve it.

I appreciate you sharing and have been following for a while now without posting, honestly due to shame for repeating my same patterns even knowing they are unhealthy and continuing my "addiction" with my ABF. So I think you are showing so much courage to keep posting as honestly as you have been, it is actually giving me and has been past few days too, some strength to be more honest with myself and break out of some heavy denial.. again. I also want to be more loving to myself and vow to do some of that today. Yesterday it was a 3 hour walk in the morning, I will continue to take one step at a time today, thank you again for continuing to share!

Uplifting: I don't know what to say about you saying that am giving you strength bc honestly I feel like I barely hve any strength within myself. But I will graciously take that positive statement bc I know from Alnon and the reading of being a ACOA that's something I don't do regularly enough. Am sitting my car fighting the urge not drive over to axbf house just to see him bc I know logically it won't change anything. My list disappearing acts lies no "closeness". (Sobbing) I was just there for him to know that somebody loves him unconditionally. Am better than that I deserve better (we) deserve better. You leave in your own time. Sorry I kinda started rambling

gcolema....you didn't do anything wrong. I think that you were just trying to offer him what you had always wanted for your own life.
Too bad that he was unable or unwilling to treat what your were willing to offer as precious commodity.

I think that you might benefit from the book...."The Saber Toothed Tiger". It was written for those who have suffered domestic abuse....but, it does an excellent job of explaining the bonding that can occur with someone who is not good for us.
I think it might resound with you, right now.

dandylion

Thank you Dandylion l. I will definitely look into purchasing the book.