Getting to someplace different
 

So lately I've been noticing a number of things that I do that I have no reason of my own for doing.

A few days ago I closed the door to the bathroom so the dogs couldn't go in there. Then as I walked down the hall, I thought "I don't give a $hit if the dogs go in the bathroom, that was all XAH's thing...", so I went and opened the door! And I haven't closed it since! I don't know that there was ever really any reason, since the dogs don't care much about going into the bathroom anyway, but since XAH made a production of it, I just shut the door to keep the peace.

I often find I'm thinking "gosh, I've been on the computer for quite a while, I better get off or XAH will be annoyed." Then I realize I don't have to worry about whether I'm spending "too much time on the computer"--there is no one to judge that but me! And it was never like he needed to use the computer himself, he simply felt he deserved more attention and had the right to pout or have a hissy fit or whatever if something else was taking up what was rightfully "his".

I no longer have to check to make sure the blinds are exactly at the same height when I raise them in the AM; I no longer have to fret if a kitchen cupboard door or drawer is ajar by 1/16 of an inch (old farmhouse, nothing is straight, square or level).

I'm beginning to see habits and behaviors that I do that are not mine--they are all about him and his obsessions about certain things (and obsessions is not too strong a word, I don't think). I have to imagine there are plenty of thought patterns in my head that are not mine either, but those are not quite as obvious to see.

We don't even know where we were until we start to get to someplace different...

Honeypig.....what a GREAT post!

dandylion

OMG honeypig I can totally remember going through the same exact thing you described after my ex husband and I divorced. I didn't find out until after we broke up that he had a serious cocaine habit. I can recall telling myself I need to rush home so he won't yell at me for being 2 minutes late. I used to call the whole ugly episode lets play Trivial Pursuit. I nvr told him that was way to scared too. I gonna practice the whole do small things bc it will add up at the end of the day.

Woooow. Honeypig, I am now inspired to pay more attention to the minutiae of my daily routine. Sort of creeped out by what I'm likely to find there.

Good for you honeypig. Leave the door open and the lid up. One of the biggest causes of pet death after 9/11 was dehydration. People living around ground zero weren't allowed back home for days. SPCA agents were eventually allowed to look for pets but many died from dehydration and hunger either because they were caged all day or bathroom doors and toilet lids were closed. So, always leave them open.

Another thing you can do now as well remove some kitchen cabinets and let your pretty dishes show.

I am so glad you are recognizing habits that aren't yours.

Oh, how awful, happybeingme! I didn't know that about the animals and 9/11...

And that's a good idea about the cupboard doors. The dishes--that's another thing I've been doing. We had a set of dishes, nothing special, that we bought back when we first got together to replace the motley crew I had then. I recently ditched the set and have gone back to the motley crew, buying whatever seems beautiful or lonesome or both at Goodwill. I really love those dishes, and I may just take those cupboard doors off and let them shine!

(((Honeypig)))

Its wonderful when you feel your stomach finally relax!

I'm beginning to see habits and behaviors that I do that are not mine

that is a very mindblowing observation......things that are NOT mine that i have adopted AS mine.

wow. just wow.

I TOTALLY get that feeling, honeypig. I couldn't wait to leave the TV OFF. If it weren't for the handful of shows I get addicted to, my TV would never be on. It was because my last ex had to have it ON, CONSTANTLY. All he ever wanted to eat was Italian food. I got a real aversion to it as a result, and I now seldom eat Italian (it was never one of my favorites). And on the subject of dishes, the last ex was a professional winemaker and I had bought this huge set of dishes and cookware with grape motifs. They were too nice to throw out, and too much trouble to sell on eBay, and I wound up donating them to Goodwill. I listen to the music *I* like.

FREEDOM!!

I remember that weight-off-the-shoulders new found freedom feeling well! What stands out is the freedom to buy and listen to country music since that was forbidden lol

honeypig -Happy that you found your Freedom to be Yourself again :)

And you know, there is plenty about me (and probably about most of us) that isn't "original equipment", simply b/c we live our lives and have experiences and find better ways and different ways as the years pass.

If someone asks how I am, I often answer "Just peachy!" b/c a friend from long ago used to say that and I liked it and started doing it myself.

I cut up bell peppers by cutting off the top, then cutting them in half before taking out the seeds, etc. This is how my mom does it, so that is how I learned. I've seen others cut the pepper in half first and then proceed.

But somehow those things seem different from the things I'm talking about at the start of the thread, even though they're all just learned behaviors--maybe b/c they don't "go against the grain" for me like fretting about dogs in the bathroom and so on? They just feel different somehow.

Thanks for the support and shares, folks!

Now that you mentioned Moms honey pig - I had a sort of double wammy - of things I was told wasn't lady like - as in dressing by her . My x did the same clothes too tight , too short , to low too high . So that gave me a complex over my body , to not feel comfortable in my own skin .
Your posts always hits on key things either in my childhood years or married years . Very healing :)

Honeypig-this is huge!!!! I've been there too-great realization and awakening :) peace to you today!

I love, love, love this post HP. I remember making that connection in my own life & feeling that AHA so strongly, it felt physical. It was also an unexpected look at how I was totally uncomfortable with myself - like evidence of how much I really didn't know who *I* was any longer.

I had such self-frustration in those first months of early recovery when I would force myself to GO DO SOMETHING for myself, ANYTHING, just to go, just to change habits, just to start a new pattern.... because even all alone, by myself, with no one around to Codie on *I'm* the one that couldn't answer questions like, "What do I want to eat?" "What movie do I want to watch?"

I was so used to deferring to someone else or factoring in their unexpressed needs. The biggest absence though was the inability to react - alone, everything is an ACTION. Deliberate, not a response to those around you. I would sit there, in a parking lot with multiple restaurants & fast food places stretched out across co-joined shopping centers & just..... sit. "I am hungry, I know I NEED to eat.... what do I WANT???!!???"..... previously, I would have laughed at the idea of being struck dumb over something so insignificant!

Thanks for posting this, it's part of the process I went through. One day I woke up filled with pure joy that I don't have to answer to anyone again. And I guard that freedom like the jewel it is. No one is allowed to make me do something I don't want to do.