chaosorcalm

Hi.....

Yesterday my AP left my/our home after I calmly stated that he could not be drunk in front of my kids ever. He told me to have a nice life and was gone.

Some background; I'm divorced with 3 kids, same as him. We have been together almost 2yrs and he moved in with me at the start of the year. We didn't really plan for this to happen, he just came over and never left. Soon his kids were having sleepovers and calling this home The issue with the kids is a whole other story which we seem to have resolved recently, but his drinking seems unresolvable.

I don't want to drag up every crazy detail as my story is so familiar to you all, I'm sure. In a nut shell he drinks in secret, spends money for bills on alcohol, is drunk at the most inappropriate times such as kids birthdays, first thing in the morning and when he is meant to be looking after his kids, and is loud, obnoxious and sometimes abusive. He blames his drinking on his traumatic past and his bad marriage. He also suffers from depression and anxiety. He is always remorseful when he sobers up.

So, he wants to meet with me tomorrow. His exact words were "tell me what you want me to do." He knows coming back here isn't an option as my exH will go for custody after what happened this weekend. (drunk and falling about slurring in front of my kids in the middle of the day) I know only he can make the choice to get help but why would he do it now when he wouldn't do it to save his marriage and keep his family together? I love him very much and I want to see him get better. He has been sober before for 9mths, only because a series of alcohol related incidents had him go to prison, so if that isn't rock bottom for him then what the heck is?

LexieCat

Every alcoholic's "bottom" is different. I think you're smart to question his sincerity.

Since he told you to "have a nice life" I'd suggest that you tell him that you hope he'll do the same, and to look you up when he's been sober for a year. There's a good chance that anything he says right now is just to put out the immediate fire and come back home. I think I'd want to wait till I saw some real results before letting him back into my home.

NYCDoglvr

I suggest keeping him out of your home and tell him to find somewhere else to live, that you will never allow him to be inebriated in your presence again. Alanon was a huge help to me in bringing recovery to my life, learning boundaries and taking care of myself. What he does is out of your control.

chaosorcalm

He never gave up his place, so he isn't homeless.

Hawkeye13

I agree with others--talk is so cheap from addicts (I was one)

If he can't get sober on his own, he can't do it with you either.

You are very wise to protect your children from this--it is so damaging.

I'd have his belongings packed and hand them off ASAP.
Not much to talk about until he has 6 months or a year even better of sobriety.

chaosorcalm

There's a major obstacle in his potential recovery. His ex wife enables him by allowing him to have his kids overnight, even when she calls and can hear in his voice that he has been drinking. There is always a blazing row, perhaps he won't have the kids the next weekend, then her own selfishness gets the better of her, she wants her freedom back and he has the kids again. This crazy cycle and his continued enmeshment with his exW is what has led to, IMO, his return to heavy drinking after 9mths sober. He didn't drink when we met, but he was accused so many times of drinking when he wasn't. I'm not making excuses, she didn't force it down his throat, but I can't see a chance for recovery as long as this toxicity remains in his life.

Refiner

Just to be clear, he'd be drinking with or without the enmeshment with the -ex. They have children together- he will ALWAYS be "enmeshed" with her.

Hawkeye13

Drinking is his choice and multiple "slips" at the very early stage of 9 months
doesn't sound like real recovery to me. Heavy drinking is nothing for
you kids to have to live with at any time no matter what.

The ex will, as Refiner says, always be a factor in his life for years.
The thought of possibly losing custody of your kids is reason enough
if the other factors aren't, to not have a discussion of what he can do
to get back in the door / your life without serious true recovery time.

You were wise to use your head and get him out.
Don't let your heart mess things up.

chaosorcalm

I just met up with him. He's in pretty bad shape but there is no question of him moving back. He knows there is no chance. He isn't ready to accept treatment, I can see that. Luckily, I'm a strong woman. I've walked away from family to protect my children (my father is an alcoholic) and he knows I'll do the same with him.

LexieCat

Good for you. However bad he looks, he can end the suffering whenever he's had enough. Amazing, the tolerance some people have for suffering. You're well away from that.

chaosorcalm

The enmeshment with his exW is like nothing I've ever seen before, though. My exH and I have a contact arrangement, any changes are arranged by text or in person. Short, simple and civil exchanges. This exW on the other hand, has mental health issues. I had to block her so she couldn't contact me due to harassment and threats. She could call or message him 20 times a day. If he doesn't respond she starts calling family, the police....I am not defending his drinking, no way, but he may as well still be in this toxic marriage.

Anyway, I'm relieved that this is no longer part of my life.

maia1234

C- his issues and problems, not your. Give him to God.

You take care of you and your kids.

Hugs my friend!!!