just need to put this in writing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
just need to put this in writing
I didn't call the cops because:
I didn't want to send him back to jail
Scared of losing financial security and my home
Scared of losing the life we were building together (currently trying for a baby--that's how much things have changed for the better)
I don't want the failure/"I told you so" response from loved ones
I'm embarrassed
I don't want to make a big deal, in case it's not
I don't want to make a permanent decision if it's not a permanent problem
I know he was drunk (relapsed last night)
I know how serious he is about his sobriety; this was a mistake
Leaving won't "show him" or make him change
Now that things are calm, I don't feel unsafe. Just sad.
I lost my temper and escalated things first.
He will fight back against accusations
I just want to pretend this never happened.
This has happened twice before, both during black outs, over the course of 6 years. It is not a habitual thing--and when he is sober, this would NEVER happen. Even when he is drunk, I never feel unsafe or like this is a possibility.
Obviously, things got out of hand tonight. Things have been so so good for so long, I feel blindsided and scared to ruin what has been such a joyful relationship in the last year, thanks entirely due to his continued dedication to sobriety. I want to be in his corner, fighting, saying what a great person I know he is....and then, this explosion happens and I feel....conflicted.
I'm not looking for a response. Just needed to think this out. And maybe someone else has felt/will feel the same.
I didn't want to send him back to jail
Scared of losing financial security and my home
Scared of losing the life we were building together (currently trying for a baby--that's how much things have changed for the better)
I don't want the failure/"I told you so" response from loved ones
I'm embarrassed
I don't want to make a big deal, in case it's not
I don't want to make a permanent decision if it's not a permanent problem
I know he was drunk (relapsed last night)
I know how serious he is about his sobriety; this was a mistake
Leaving won't "show him" or make him change
Now that things are calm, I don't feel unsafe. Just sad.
I lost my temper and escalated things first.
He will fight back against accusations
I just want to pretend this never happened.
This has happened twice before, both during black outs, over the course of 6 years. It is not a habitual thing--and when he is sober, this would NEVER happen. Even when he is drunk, I never feel unsafe or like this is a possibility.
Obviously, things got out of hand tonight. Things have been so so good for so long, I feel blindsided and scared to ruin what has been such a joyful relationship in the last year, thanks entirely due to his continued dedication to sobriety. I want to be in his corner, fighting, saying what a great person I know he is....and then, this explosion happens and I feel....conflicted.
I'm not looking for a response. Just needed to think this out. And maybe someone else has felt/will feel the same.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Sorry to hear this has happened Jeni, and I hope the kids didn't see or hear anything. Is he aggressive every time he relapses, or just sometimes?
Are you physically hurt Jenni? If so can you get the bruises, marks, recorded by someone with a date stamp? Just suggesting it could be useful in the future if things don't go well.
Are you physically hurt Jenni? If so can you get the bruises, marks, recorded by someone with a date stamp? Just suggesting it could be useful in the future if things don't go well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
I'm sorry, and I suggest you stop trying for a baby at this time.
I think you need to really give his sobriety time to solidify before
adding to the pressure for both of you.
Speaking as a former alcoholic, a year isn't very long and he hasn't made
that yet without a relapse.
You need a Plan B, hard as that is to hear.
I think you need to really give his sobriety time to solidify before
adding to the pressure for both of you.
Speaking as a former alcoholic, a year isn't very long and he hasn't made
that yet without a relapse.
You need a Plan B, hard as that is to hear.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Jenibean87 
I don't want to make a big deal, in case it's not
I don't want to make a permanent decision if it's not a permanent problem
Leaving won't "show him" or make him change
I lost my temper and escalated things first.
He will fight back against accusations
I just want to pretend this never happened.
This has happened twice before, both during black outs, over the course of 6 years.
This is the THIRD time it has happened--there is no reason for you to believe it will NOT happen again. If you don't do anything else, please call your local women's shelter or the DV hotline and talk with an advocate about your own safety. Whether you "feel unsafe" or not, you are living with someone who uses physical violence to control you. An advocate can help you look at the seriousness of your individual situation and help you plan for your own safety. Talking with an advocate is completely confidential--they won't insist that you call the police or do anything you aren't ready to do.
Please don't even consider having a baby until this man has been solidly sober for a good long time and has addressed his abuse issues. Abuse, like alcoholism, progresses over time, and living in an abusive home is horrible for children.
I've worked in the DV field for a very long time. I know how difficult it is to face the realities. For your own safety and well-being, though, it's important to acknowledge what is happening and to take steps for your own protection.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
such a joyful relationship in the last year, thanks entirely due to his continued dedication to sobriety
really? didn't he relapse BEFORE this? maybe go back and read your posts from earlier this year.....it hasn't all been sober bliss. didn't he ditch you before a trip? the discovery of suspicious drugs?
the part of your statement that is most troubling is that you say how you felt has been ENTIRELY due to HIS sobriety. as long as we place our well being in the hands of another, our life will be a constant series of upheavals.
really? didn't he relapse BEFORE this? maybe go back and read your posts from earlier this year.....it hasn't all been sober bliss. didn't he ditch you before a trip? the discovery of suspicious drugs?
the part of your statement that is most troubling is that you say how you felt has been ENTIRELY due to HIS sobriety. as long as we place our well being in the hands of another, our life will be a constant series of upheavals.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Reading and reading...learning & digesting = education = healing and easier to remove the "good memories of exabf" out of my life. I'm seeing that it (booze & drugs) really are the loves of the addicts. I feel very sorry for my exabf, but I see clearly that while the addicts in our lives think or rotate around their addictions- we must redirect ourselves to focus on our joy, our peace, our love of life. Love is a difficult thing, boy do I get it. But in the same breath; we aren't dealing with a person but rather a substance or liquid. We have to pull ourselves together & formulate a strong path to being happy & healthy for ourselves. I'm seeing more & more that an addict doesn't love them-self, let alone us who at one point loved them. Layers of healing are being exposed to me, I pray that all will receive their healing & redirection to happiness too. May we all feel self love & appreciate our lives and not just the addict in our lives. Hope they get better but value you too. You matter too. Thank the Lord above for SR and all the wonderful people out here!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
I find your list very interesting, Jeni, and think it's a great way to keep yourself moving forward. I suspect many here can relate to much of what you wrote. I wonder, now that you've had a chance to mull it over, what you think of the things you wrote.
I noticed that many of the points on your list could be summed up by saying "I don't want to deal with this reality".
I don't blame you. Denial was my happy place for a long time. But when the walls of that denial came crashing down (which eventually they always do) I was left standing with a huge mess to clean up, and very few tool with which to do so.
Whatever choice we make regarding our qualifiers, we would be wise to always consider ourselves first. Physically, emotionally, and financially. Those loved ones that you're embarrassed to tell may well be your support system in the future. That financial security that you're counting on may well be a lot less secure than you realize. That sobriety that he takes so seriously may be an illusion.
I don't know, and neither do you. Whether or not you report him, whether or not you stay with him, you would be wise to prepare for the possibility that you may have to go it alone. Addiction, at it's core, is unreliable, and those of us who love addicts need to learn to rely on ourselves. Denial can be a bigger enemy than addiction.
I noticed that many of the points on your list could be summed up by saying "I don't want to deal with this reality".
I don't blame you. Denial was my happy place for a long time. But when the walls of that denial came crashing down (which eventually they always do) I was left standing with a huge mess to clean up, and very few tool with which to do so.
Whatever choice we make regarding our qualifiers, we would be wise to always consider ourselves first. Physically, emotionally, and financially. Those loved ones that you're embarrassed to tell may well be your support system in the future. That financial security that you're counting on may well be a lot less secure than you realize. That sobriety that he takes so seriously may be an illusion.
I don't know, and neither do you. Whether or not you report him, whether or not you stay with him, you would be wise to prepare for the possibility that you may have to go it alone. Addiction, at it's core, is unreliable, and those of us who love addicts need to learn to rely on ourselves. Denial can be a bigger enemy than addiction.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
So much in SeriousKarma's post rings true for me, JB. I struggled for 6 years, wanting to believe that things were getting better. I took his word for things I should have checked out for myself, I accepted things that I knew didn't make sense. I thought he was "serious about his sobriety" too, just like your A. I really didn't want to upset the apple cart and have to work on myself, have to figure out how to move forward on my own. I didn't look for help for myself, didn't think I needed it, didn't have a lot of information about alcoholism, didn't know I needed it.
Finally, after yet another incident of lying, a member here posted this: "I've learned, thanks to living with XAH, that if something is REALLY CONFUSING and makes absolutely no sense (and especially when this confusion happens to work in someone's favor), I probably don't have the whole story, or a real story at all."
That really struck me, and my reply was "YES. Yes, yes, yes. Absolutely my experience w/my A. I was told so many times that it simply wasn't*necessary*for me to understand things; I just needed to*accept*them. This would be true if we were talking about why someone at work did a certain thing, but it was brought out as an explanation as to why the checkbook didn't balance. Faith and willful ignorance are two different things, in my book. The truth should be simple, even if not easy. Honesty shouldn't require a complicated explanation."
Her post really opened a door for me--maybe reading our words will help to open one for you, too.
Finally, after yet another incident of lying, a member here posted this: "I've learned, thanks to living with XAH, that if something is REALLY CONFUSING and makes absolutely no sense (and especially when this confusion happens to work in someone's favor), I probably don't have the whole story, or a real story at all."
That really struck me, and my reply was "YES. Yes, yes, yes. Absolutely my experience w/my A. I was told so many times that it simply wasn't*necessary*for me to understand things; I just needed to*accept*them. This would be true if we were talking about why someone at work did a certain thing, but it was brought out as an explanation as to why the checkbook didn't balance. Faith and willful ignorance are two different things, in my book. The truth should be simple, even if not easy. Honesty shouldn't require a complicated explanation."
Her post really opened a door for me--maybe reading our words will help to open one for you, too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It sounds as if you believe that if you persevere you'll get the relationship and happy life you want. Not if you're with an alcoholic, even one in recovery who keeps relapsing. Have you tried Alanon? I found that my denial and rationalization kept me doing the same thing and expecting different results. God bless.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
[QUOTE=Jenibean87;5544812]I didn't call the cops because:
I didn't want to send him back to jail
Scared of losing financial security and my home
Scared of losing the life we were building together (currently trying for a baby--that's how much things have changed for the better)
I don't want the failure/"I told you so" response from loved ones
I'm embarrassed
I don't want to make a big deal, in case it's not
I don't want to make a permanent decision if it's not a permanent problem
I know he was drunk (relapsed last night)
I know how serious he is about his sobriety; this was a mistake
Leaving won't "show him" or make him change
Now that things are calm, I don't feel unsafe. Just sad.
I lost my temper and escalated things first.
He will fight back against accusations
I just want to pretend this never happened.
This has happened twice before, both during black outs, over the course of 6 years. It is not a habitual thing--and when he is sober, this would NEVER happen. Even when he is drunk, I never feel unsafe or like this is a possibility.
--------------------------------------------
Just want you to know that I have felt the same way. Also wanted to add one more into that for me.
I had already called 911, we have already gone to court, if I call them again, he might lose his job "this time".
The first ten years of my marriage was relatively peaceful. We lived with my mom, because my dad just died and she couldn't afford the bills. My ex had no problem with this, he liked my family better then this. A lot of red flags during this time, but, hey, this was my second marriage, and I guess I was doing things all the wrong way. Yes, most of the physical stuff, which I didn't think was physical, (drinking beer out of bottles, then throwing the bottles onto the floor in front of me, breaking them) was when he was drinking. But wow, there was so much more. I think at that time since I thought it was all me and that I was being a selfish little brat, I was always apologizing for walking away from me, each time that he put me down for doing things wrong. And wow, what a b!tch I was to lock myself in my room and cry, or go for a walk around the block, just to cool off a bit, and to regroup. When did I get so b!tchy, I was never like this before!!!!
First time that he physically touched me, well, I guess that was my fault. He was drinking all day, I tried to stay outside. I came in, he was watching a baseball game. I stood in front of the TV so that he would stop ignoring me, and would talk to me, I didn't want to fight, I hate fighting. He got up, pushed me to the floor, then kicked me in the ribs. Then he just went upstairs to go to sleep. Never really apologized for that one. See his family was coming for the weekend the next day. He pretended to everyone, that we were doing just fine, while I sleep on the bathroom floor at night, just so I wouldn't have to sleep with him.
Next time, he wasn't talking to me for about a week, just when he did say something he was just raging at me. I, at this time was educating myself about abuse. See the verbal abuse, and emotional abuse happened when he was drinking, and when he wasn't drinking.
So, he told me that he wanted to apologize to me, but wanted to do it in his own way. He wanted me to come into "his room", the (living room), (see, I usually had the den, he had the living room. Wanted me to watch a football game with him. Okaay !!! I tried. He had me jumping up all night long, get this, get that for him. Game wasn't even over, and he says he is going to sleep. Well............. where is my apology???? So after 2 minutes, I go upstairs to ask him, where is my apology. He grabbed me by the neck, choked me a little, (had black and blues on neck), then threw me to the floor, and went to sleep.
I can go on and on about the next time, and the next time. I don't think I have to.
See, the emotional abuse, and verbal abuse was so bad, that sometimes I did welcome the physical abuse, because then he would sometimes start the "honeymoon period". You know, when they try to be good just to hoover you back in and to calm you down, so that you don't press charges.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I didn't want to send him back to jail
Scared of losing financial security and my home
Scared of losing the life we were building together (currently trying for a baby--that's how much things have changed for the better)
I don't want the failure/"I told you so" response from loved ones
I'm embarrassed
I don't want to make a big deal, in case it's not
I don't want to make a permanent decision if it's not a permanent problem
I know he was drunk (relapsed last night)
I know how serious he is about his sobriety; this was a mistake
Leaving won't "show him" or make him change
Now that things are calm, I don't feel unsafe. Just sad.
I lost my temper and escalated things first.
He will fight back against accusations
I just want to pretend this never happened.
This has happened twice before, both during black outs, over the course of 6 years. It is not a habitual thing--and when he is sober, this would NEVER happen. Even when he is drunk, I never feel unsafe or like this is a possibility.
--------------------------------------------
Just want you to know that I have felt the same way. Also wanted to add one more into that for me.
I had already called 911, we have already gone to court, if I call them again, he might lose his job "this time".
The first ten years of my marriage was relatively peaceful. We lived with my mom, because my dad just died and she couldn't afford the bills. My ex had no problem with this, he liked my family better then this. A lot of red flags during this time, but, hey, this was my second marriage, and I guess I was doing things all the wrong way. Yes, most of the physical stuff, which I didn't think was physical, (drinking beer out of bottles, then throwing the bottles onto the floor in front of me, breaking them) was when he was drinking. But wow, there was so much more. I think at that time since I thought it was all me and that I was being a selfish little brat, I was always apologizing for walking away from me, each time that he put me down for doing things wrong. And wow, what a b!tch I was to lock myself in my room and cry, or go for a walk around the block, just to cool off a bit, and to regroup. When did I get so b!tchy, I was never like this before!!!!
First time that he physically touched me, well, I guess that was my fault. He was drinking all day, I tried to stay outside. I came in, he was watching a baseball game. I stood in front of the TV so that he would stop ignoring me, and would talk to me, I didn't want to fight, I hate fighting. He got up, pushed me to the floor, then kicked me in the ribs. Then he just went upstairs to go to sleep. Never really apologized for that one. See his family was coming for the weekend the next day. He pretended to everyone, that we were doing just fine, while I sleep on the bathroom floor at night, just so I wouldn't have to sleep with him.
Next time, he wasn't talking to me for about a week, just when he did say something he was just raging at me. I, at this time was educating myself about abuse. See the verbal abuse, and emotional abuse happened when he was drinking, and when he wasn't drinking.
So, he told me that he wanted to apologize to me, but wanted to do it in his own way. He wanted me to come into "his room", the (living room), (see, I usually had the den, he had the living room. Wanted me to watch a football game with him. Okaay !!! I tried. He had me jumping up all night long, get this, get that for him. Game wasn't even over, and he says he is going to sleep. Well............. where is my apology???? So after 2 minutes, I go upstairs to ask him, where is my apology. He grabbed me by the neck, choked me a little, (had black and blues on neck), then threw me to the floor, and went to sleep.
I can go on and on about the next time, and the next time. I don't think I have to.
See, the emotional abuse, and verbal abuse was so bad, that sometimes I did welcome the physical abuse, because then he would sometimes start the "honeymoon period". You know, when they try to be good just to hoover you back in and to calm you down, so that you don't press charges.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
It's not that I don't have a plan B. I do.
In the last few months, I have been setting aside larger amounts of money in my private bank account... I don't have a specific plan for the money, or really a specific fear that I would really need it, but I know that I felt better seeing the money in my name and knowing I have freedom, if I want it. That, in addition to meeting lawyers to draft a cohabitation agreement to protect myself and ensure that I am not homeless/carless/cut off/our future children will be provided for if things go sour. (As happy as I was, I know that life with someone in recovery can change at any minute. Case in point...)
In addition, I completed the first level of training for a job I hope to one day have. I've worked on things regarding codependency issues (i.e. lying for him, pour out bottles, living in fear of his relapse). I have worked through resentment issues regarding him--and myself. I've re-created a social life out here with new friends and confidants who I can rely upon, and have been working to strengthen the bonds with loved ones back home who I let slide out of my life. And, for those picking apart words, while I believe that much of my happiness has come from so many consistent months of sobriety (the relapses were 1-2 day events, not marathons, before returning to AA) in which the house was peaceful, our relationship could be nurtured, and I could feel automatic relief from the insanity that used to dominate daily, I do believe that the changes I have made within myself allow me to bring into my life and accept more joy than I have had in many years.
I wasn't posting to have my rationalizations picked apart--I know what I would say to any friend who came to me with this list. I was posting to put it out there that this is the real-time thoughts of what I went through. The real fears. The "why". It doesn't matter if the logic isn't sound. It's what I was feeling. And I didn't want to forget it. And to anyone else who has ever felt these things, maybe they will not feel so alone and stupid for not picking up the phone and calling for help.
Also, FWIW, I did take pictures of bruises, scratches, and ripped clothing. It's nothing appalling, but I documented it anyway, just in case. I am not seriously injured, for those concerned.
In the last few months, I have been setting aside larger amounts of money in my private bank account... I don't have a specific plan for the money, or really a specific fear that I would really need it, but I know that I felt better seeing the money in my name and knowing I have freedom, if I want it. That, in addition to meeting lawyers to draft a cohabitation agreement to protect myself and ensure that I am not homeless/carless/cut off/our future children will be provided for if things go sour. (As happy as I was, I know that life with someone in recovery can change at any minute. Case in point...)
In addition, I completed the first level of training for a job I hope to one day have. I've worked on things regarding codependency issues (i.e. lying for him, pour out bottles, living in fear of his relapse). I have worked through resentment issues regarding him--and myself. I've re-created a social life out here with new friends and confidants who I can rely upon, and have been working to strengthen the bonds with loved ones back home who I let slide out of my life. And, for those picking apart words, while I believe that much of my happiness has come from so many consistent months of sobriety (the relapses were 1-2 day events, not marathons, before returning to AA) in which the house was peaceful, our relationship could be nurtured, and I could feel automatic relief from the insanity that used to dominate daily, I do believe that the changes I have made within myself allow me to bring into my life and accept more joy than I have had in many years.
I wasn't posting to have my rationalizations picked apart--I know what I would say to any friend who came to me with this list. I was posting to put it out there that this is the real-time thoughts of what I went through. The real fears. The "why". It doesn't matter if the logic isn't sound. It's what I was feeling. And I didn't want to forget it. And to anyone else who has ever felt these things, maybe they will not feel so alone and stupid for not picking up the phone and calling for help.
Also, FWIW, I did take pictures of bruises, scratches, and ripped clothing. It's nothing appalling, but I documented it anyway, just in case. I am not seriously injured, for those concerned.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Jenibean,
I didn't write what I wrote to make you feel bad. Hey, I stayed 25 years. If truth be told, I wrote what I wrote, so that you will never feel alone. I really have no judgement, and no agenda.
I think sometimes we need to separate things though. What is alcoholic behavior, and what is abusive behavior. The two, don't always go together.
Just wanted you to know that you can always feel Ok about coming here to post.
Just here for you,
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
I didn't write what I wrote to make you feel bad. Hey, I stayed 25 years. If truth be told, I wrote what I wrote, so that you will never feel alone. I really have no judgement, and no agenda.
I think sometimes we need to separate things though. What is alcoholic behavior, and what is abusive behavior. The two, don't always go together.
Just wanted you to know that you can always feel Ok about coming here to post.
Just here for you,
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 19
Your list was just what I needed today. New member last night because of the same things/reason except haven't experienced a relapse. Just the lying of where he's been and with who.
I was the world's greatest enabler years ago with a previous relationship and learned about codependency. Got the counseling and got to a whole new place. Somehow, over the past couple of years, I slipped back to my old ways.
Sounds like you are where I want to be soon.
Keep up the good work and your eyes open. And thank you for the list. I do know where you are coming from. 
I was the world's greatest enabler years ago with a previous relationship and learned about codependency. Got the counseling and got to a whole new place. Somehow, over the past couple of years, I slipped back to my old ways.
Sounds like you are where I want to be soon.
Keep up the good work and your eyes open. And thank you for the list. I do know where you are coming from. Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I did take pictures of bruises, scratches, and ripped clothing. It's nothing appalling, but I documented it anyway, just in case. I am not seriously injured, for those concerned.
but sweets, that should NEVER happen. an argument with your partner should not result in bodily injury and torn garments. EVER. and yet you throw this bit in as afterthought.....not really a big deal.
that is the ONLY deal. that is the PRICE you pay with this guy. someone who will HURT you.
but sweets, that should NEVER happen. an argument with your partner should not result in bodily injury and torn garments. EVER. and yet you throw this bit in as afterthought.....not really a big deal.
that is the ONLY deal. that is the PRICE you pay with this guy. someone who will HURT you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi guys,
I wanted to start a new thread, but was unfamiliar in doing so - so please excuse me for adding this post to this thread. I hope no one is mad at me but I've been racking my brains out thinking I should write the exabf a letter since September is a rough month for him emotionally. Well--- I went through some old texts (I know I should have deleted them a long time ago) but regardless - there is something good here I need to share. I realize everything i wanted to write to him/ well.... I've already written it to him, and you know what he didn't have it in his heart to respond to me then - so, I just had a realization that if he didn't respond when we were in contact - he wouldn't give a damn if I wriotechim now- or even respond now. I think I just had a huge breakthrough, it's over, it's been over, i hurt & im choked up - but after taking a deep breath just now, I realize that it wasn't that great of a relationship once his alcoholism, drug abuse & mental illness (manic depression) showed itself. I'm gonna try to say goodbye To SR now, I don't want to enable myself if that makes any sense- I feel I've beat a dead horse in myself. But I know I've received great help, support & kindness from SR & the wonderful friends out here. I feel if I keep talking about it, I'll linger more on it. I love you guys, I'm always praying for you. God bless all on SR. I just really feel I hit my bottom right now & I want to move on & up. I gave him (exabf ) all I could, I wrote my heart out to him when there was contact, he didn't even respond. I'm done. I'll love you guys.
Always, Bernadette777 God bless.
I wanted to start a new thread, but was unfamiliar in doing so - so please excuse me for adding this post to this thread. I hope no one is mad at me but I've been racking my brains out thinking I should write the exabf a letter since September is a rough month for him emotionally. Well--- I went through some old texts (I know I should have deleted them a long time ago) but regardless - there is something good here I need to share. I realize everything i wanted to write to him/ well.... I've already written it to him, and you know what he didn't have it in his heart to respond to me then - so, I just had a realization that if he didn't respond when we were in contact - he wouldn't give a damn if I wriotechim now- or even respond now. I think I just had a huge breakthrough, it's over, it's been over, i hurt & im choked up - but after taking a deep breath just now, I realize that it wasn't that great of a relationship once his alcoholism, drug abuse & mental illness (manic depression) showed itself. I'm gonna try to say goodbye To SR now, I don't want to enable myself if that makes any sense- I feel I've beat a dead horse in myself. But I know I've received great help, support & kindness from SR & the wonderful friends out here. I feel if I keep talking about it, I'll linger more on it. I love you guys, I'm always praying for you. God bless all on SR. I just really feel I hit my bottom right now & I want to move on & up. I gave him (exabf ) all I could, I wrote my heart out to him when there was contact, he didn't even respond. I'm done. I'll love you guys.
Always, Bernadette777 God bless.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, either. Was I trying to make you feel a little bit scared? Probably--because I think there is something to be scared about. I do think you're seriously minimizing what he did. It IS a big deal.
I'm glad you're working on some financial security for yourself, but there are many ways, other than financial ones, of becoming trapped. And what we tell ourselves about our experiences can be one of the biggest.
I'm glad you weren't seriously injured. But you were scared and you were abused. And you don't know what might happen next time. We care what happens to you.
I'm glad you're working on some financial security for yourself, but there are many ways, other than financial ones, of becoming trapped. And what we tell ourselves about our experiences can be one of the biggest.
I'm glad you weren't seriously injured. But you were scared and you were abused. And you don't know what might happen next time. We care what happens to you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Jenibean87
Also, FWIW, I did take pictures of bruises, scratches, and ripped clothing. It's nothing appalling, but I documented it anyway, just in case. I am not seriously injured, for those concerned.
Your words above are chilling, because I wonder what a physical attack has done to your mental well-being. Please be ready for a delayed reaction, and talk to someone non-judgemental about it. All the best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
There's no question in my mind, Jeni, that you've got a good head on your shoulders. It's definitely screwed on tighter than mine was (or is for that matter).
You've set my mind at ease with the concerns I mentioned in my previous post, but there is one issue that I didn't mention which I think is extremely hard to prepare for. I'm not sure what others call it. I'll just call it the "changing of our norm".
I wrote a thread a while back talking about one Christmas when my XAH ran around the house (before blessedly passing out) drunkenly waving a machete above his head, while he cracked stupid jokes. At the time, although I was concerned, I wasn't nearly as concerned as I should have been. By that time I was used to him screwing up holidays. My norm had changed, and I wasn't able to see clearly see the volatility of his actions. He was very very drunk and was waving around a very very sharp object. In hindsight I should have gotten myself and daughter the h*ll out of there. This forum is full of posts where people mention a shift in there own perspective over time, and how they grow to accept the unacceptable.
You do have a good head on your shoulders, and you obviously appreciate the importance of being prepared. So, please try and prepare for the changing of your norm as well. I'm not exactly sure how, but I would think coming here and sharing on SR is probably a good way to hedge against it. Of course that means you may have to sometimes hear responses that you don't really like, but you seem like someone who's more than able to see that they're coming from a place of loving concern. Stay safe, hon.
You've set my mind at ease with the concerns I mentioned in my previous post, but there is one issue that I didn't mention which I think is extremely hard to prepare for. I'm not sure what others call it. I'll just call it the "changing of our norm".
I wrote a thread a while back talking about one Christmas when my XAH ran around the house (before blessedly passing out) drunkenly waving a machete above his head, while he cracked stupid jokes. At the time, although I was concerned, I wasn't nearly as concerned as I should have been. By that time I was used to him screwing up holidays. My norm had changed, and I wasn't able to see clearly see the volatility of his actions. He was very very drunk and was waving around a very very sharp object. In hindsight I should have gotten myself and daughter the h*ll out of there. This forum is full of posts where people mention a shift in there own perspective over time, and how they grow to accept the unacceptable.
You do have a good head on your shoulders, and you obviously appreciate the importance of being prepared. So, please try and prepare for the changing of your norm as well. I'm not exactly sure how, but I would think coming here and sharing on SR is probably a good way to hedge against it. Of course that means you may have to sometimes hear responses that you don't really like, but you seem like someone who's more than able to see that they're coming from a place of loving concern. Stay safe, hon.
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