Juno

Hello everyone.

I just registered this morning, and I'm finding all sorts of geat information! Very helpful!

Being new, I posted a message (which I've pasted below) in the Newcomers area. I hope to get some feedback about what I can do about my current situation and what can I do to ensure I do not make the same mistake/choice in the future.
There HAS to be something about me...why have I chosen 2 men, back-to-back, who turn out to have problems with alcohol?
I have not had to deal with this issue until recently. I met my last boyfriend in 2000, when I was 33, and did not realize he had a problem until 2 months after we moved in together. And now, in 2004, my next boyfriend turns out with the same problem?? Thankfully, I do not live with him.
It's got to be something with my personality, right?

Anyway, here' is my message that I posted earlier.
I hope you all can offer some suggestions. I'm really at a loss...

Thank you!

>>
I've found myself, for the second time in 3 years, in a relationship with, what I believe, an alcoholic, or at best, someone who abuses alcohol.
I left my last boyfriend (whom I lived with for 18 months) because of his drinking. He knew very well that he had a problem, but would not deal with it. It took his doctor confronting him after a blood test for him to acknowledge this issue (and even apologized to me for his behavior a year after I left him).

Now, I'm in a relationship (7 months) with someone who, in all appearances, seems highly responsible and successful, but has a tendency to drink way too much. While visiting him, I’ve often heard him opening 2 beers back to back…but this is always done while he thinks I’m unaware of what he’s doing; while I’m in the bathroom or upstairs. And, I’ve often seen/heard him consume 3 cans of beer within 30 minutes. I KNOW this is not normal behavior, but I’m not a confrontational person, which is the reason I stayed in the other relationship for 18 months when I should have left after 2. I do not want to repeat that mistake, but I have no clue how to approach this issue with my new boyfriend in a delicate way. Or, should I even worry about being delicate?? I don’t want to tiptoe around the issue and let this go on for months before I lose my temper and “dump� him in a blazing furry. I know I need to say something. Any suggestions?

Sable

Dear Juno,

The only advice I have for you is try going to an Alanon meeting.

Speak with others who have endured the same things as you.

As an Alanon member and a Co-Dependent, I can say with complete sincererity that I am a "text book" case of a friend or family member affected by someone elses drinking. How I've dealt with situations as yours in the past is very different on how I deal with them today!

Good Luck
Sable

Lorelai

Juno -
They say that wherever you go, you take yourself with you. I think it's very insightful of you to look to yourself for your solutions instead of blaming the problems on another person.

I have found that, by working on myself and my issues, I am much better at making choices that are good for me. Alanon and these boards can help you work on yourself too.

I'm glad you're here & hope you stick around and post and read. Lots of good information and lots of wonderful people.
L

Juno

Thank you Sable and Loreai.

How do I find local Al-Anon meetings in my area?
Is there a web site that lists meetings?

Thanks again!

sweeks

This link might help: http://home.gwi.net/maineldc/

Or you can try: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Juno

Thank you, sweeks.

I looked at the al-anon site and was surprised to see there are meetings every day!

Question: the Beginner meetings and the "regular" meetings...what's the difference besides the obvious? Should I only look for the Beginner? Or, am I able to attend the others? I ask only because of the days/times/locations. If it doesn't work with my schedule, I may have to look into other areas.

Thanks again for your help!
I LOVE this place! You're all so helpful.

TinyVoice

What are you going to confront him about? Are you going to ask: Do you have an alcohol problem?? You already know he does. I see no reason why it shouldn't be discussed. Such as he ever been in rehab or gone to AA. Or if he perceives he has a problem, etc. But my SO was so in denial and always refused to discuss his drinking.

Hmmmm....I do not have as much experience as the other women on here. But you are dating. I recently just decided that I chose not to deal with alcoholism. So I am alone again. And now working on me...addressing many issues that keep cropping up in my relationships. But I couldn't work on me and be involved with an alcoholic in denial at the same time.

Juno

Hi TinyVoice.

I agree with you completely.

The more I think about it, the more I'm kicking myself. I'm not going to waste my time trying to figure out whether he has a problem (disease?) or not, or if an argument is due to him being under the influence.

It bothers me, and that's enough to warrant a discussion.

When you say "working on me," what does that mean? Are you attending Al-Anon meetings? Or, are you involved in something else? I believe I am 50% responsible...I just need to figure out what I need to do to make sure this doesn't happen again. Is it possible?

cwohio

i think beginners meetings have an "orientation" type thing for newcomers. i just went to the first one i found close to me - you can go to different ones - see which you like. glad you are going!

cwohio