ck1983

I want to share my story of how alcoholism took my little brother at 28 years old. He died this spring from a ruptured pancreas due to chronic alcoholism, which he hid from us for years. My brother was never the most eager kid, bounced between cooking jobs for a couple years as a teen before he moved back to the farm to help with our alcoholic father who is 80 and has dementia. I lived about 5 hours away and was married with 2 small children and tried to make it back every month or so. I was pretty much the patriarch of the family and dealt with most issues and was a bit tough on my brother to get out and do a little more with his life. He never had a girl friend or did he go out, he played a lot of online games and most of his friends were online. He stayed out on the farm for 8 years and during that time, I spent 2 whole summers out there and many trips throughout. Never once did my wife or me see him drunk, he rarely even had a drink around us. Out in the farm community alcoholism is pretty common and he wouldve been the last person you would expect to be one. Once my father told me that my brother was drinking a case of spiced rum every couple weeks, but I chalked it up to his dementia. I still spoke to my brother about it but he denied it and said dad was confused. I never seen the signs as i always got him up for work at 8 or 9 in the morning when i was out and never smelt alcohol on him. I knew he drank but had no idea how much, I was always more concerned for my 80 year old alcoholic father. This last year and a bit I was going through a divorce and I didnt have much time to make it out much, I only made it up about 4 times due to taking care of my personal issues. My brother called me and asked me to come up in april and i made a trip up with my 2 kids by myself, my brother seemed fine other than a stomach ache which he was taking tums for. We had a fun visit and he played with my kids and I never noticed anything out of the ordinary. three days later i just walked in the door from work and i got a phone call from our farm neighbour who told me something had happened. I was fully expecting it to be my dad, but it turned out my dad found my brother dead in the shower. I raced up that night and had to take charge of everything, i didnt know what to think, i thought he might of killed himself. I went through his stuff looking for an indication of it but there was nothing. It took a week for the coroner to get back that he died from a ruptured pancreas due to chronic alcoholism. This has plagued me for months now that I was too busy with my own personal issues to notice the severity of problem he had, i was his big brother and i wasnt there to help him.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, ck. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother; alcoholism is such a devastating condition with far-reaching effects and consequences.

Thank you for sharing your story; I hope you find peace. Please know that you did nothing wrong.

This is a wonderful site for understanding and support. I am glad that you found us.

Bird615

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your brother appears to not have wanted you to know, and even if you did, you may not have been able to do anything anyway, especially if he was hiding it from you.

I think that often when a tragedy such as this happens, those left behind are left wondering if there was anything they could have done differently to prevent it.

Please try to be gentle with yourself in this. We do what we can with the information/resources that we have at the time.

FeelingGreat

ck, what a tragedy. It's awful when people are taken by alcoholism without the chance to recover.
Your brother obviously had his reasons for hiding it from you, and you have to respect that. His situation on the farm looking after your father was ideal for secret drinking, or else you would have worked it out earlier.
Ultimately you must respect his choice, and try to resist blaming yourself as you have enough on your plate with the divorce.

happybeingme

I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story

emme99

So sorry for your loss.

NestWasEmpty

Very sorry for your lose ck Welcome to SR maybe you can read some other posts & threads to find some Peace . You said your father was an alcoholic , I suspect you may have or know someone that tried to help him stop too ? You'll find that the only one that can help an alcoholic want to stop is their self . They have to be willing . You did confront him about the rum , he brushed it off . So he didn't want the help .
It was beyond your control , for no one can really control what others do

CodeJob

Hello CK,

Welcome to SR though I am deeply sorry to hear your brother has died from alcoholism. You mention your father is an A too. Have you ever looked into how alcoholism impacts the family? It takes work to disrupt this disease that can destroy families.

Please look into the Laundry List. You might find that your brother's path was his to change. What about your own path?

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Mango blast

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Welcome to SR. There is much information here, for when/if you're looking for that. It's okay to take baby steps, go slowly and be gentle with yourself and your family. Alcoholism is a baffling, cunning and counter-intuitive disease that affects all of us within the family.

Your brother was ill. He was not a bad person. He died very young from his illness. lt's as much a disease as cancer or diabetes, yet it doesn't garner the same sympathies or understanding from most people. We get it. We understand. We care.

Do you have an in-person support system for yourself? You are important, too. You matter.

InfoSponge

Ck.. What a terrible shock. I'm so sorry for your loss. ((Huuuugs))

ck1983

Thanks for all the responses. It helps to get it out, I have been alone through most of this. I do not feel comfortable talking with my guy friends about this and my families response to all this has put up a big wall between us. The day I found out the cause of death I felt sick to the stomach what alcohol did to my brother, I couldnt imagine drinking. But for the next 2 weeks at the farm my siblings and extended family just got together and drank. Seemed like life was normal for them having a good time socializing, while I had to plan the whole funeral and write obit pretty much on my own. My father took it pretty hard and forgot a few times that he had died, it seen the pain in his eyes when I told him why he died. And then he kept forgetting and asking and I had to explain over and over to him, and of course everyone else asks too, I told some the full story it was so hard explaining to people that my little brother drank himself to death, and I felt like failure as a big brother. My dad took it real hard and turned to the bottle. I took the drinks right out of his hand at 8am but 10 min later I would find him in the basment or shop drinking from a stash. I have resigned myself to the fact that there is no changing him at his age, I can do my best when I am out there but when I have a family to take care of and when i leave he will start right back up. he had always been a functional alcoholic, working as a superintendent on a construction projects til his mid 60's. But now the dementia coupled with the alcohol is hard to watch, I try my best to stop it when I am around but I would have to handcuff him down to make sure he wont drink. I have prepared myself that Deep down I have some resentment towards him because I kow he provided all the liquor, but I dont think he knew what he was doing as he lived like that. I dont understand how my dad could be a chronic alcoholic and smoke all his life and still be going at 80 years old, yet my little 28 brother who you never seen drink dies from it. Things just dont make sense sometimes.

Sasha4

I am so sorry.
I would take comfort that he wanted you and the kids to visit.
He was not hiding himself away.

Sometimes it takes time to understand things and why they happened.
There is a huge stigma admitting a drink problem.
No-one wants to be an alcoholic.
Nobody likes admitting it.

Some people are just more susceptible to alcohol and the damage it does.
That's perhaps the most logical answer to the difference between your dad and brother.



It sounds like he enjoyed spending time with you and if I were you, I would take comfort from that.
Try remind yourself of the good times you all had.

I wish you the best xxxx