dandylion

HisSecretLife....until you can actually get in to see a doctor, perhaps one of the baby steps that you can take is to focus on some physical activity (besides running after kids) in each day. I realize that when one is depressed, just getting out of bed can seem daunting....but--perhaps it can be done in increments.
exercise is well known to be one of the best things to mobilize depression.
Remember....it is not feeling good before action---it is action before feeling good....lol.

dandylion

longbeachone

I was so moved by your story. I could feel how stuck you find yourself, and I totally get how your anger is spreading to everyone and everything around you. Well, first things first. Start taking care of you. When the plane is going down, they always say put the oxygen mask on yourself first...if you pass out, you can't help your kids. Get thee to a Doctor. You sound like you have all of the symptoms of classic depression (for good reason). Pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps never works, so perhaps it's time for some medical support, and it's definitely time for counseling. Next, find an Alanon meeting. You will find others going through exactly what you're experiencing, and that's important. I'm.not going to tell you to toss this guy out, but I will say this: You and your children are precious. If he can't see this, it's his loss. Work on yourself, be good to your kids, and stop letting the actions of such a selfish man make you feel less than you are.

InfoSponge

Boy, the anger.. I do remember. Not to say I somehow magically avoid getting angry anymore, because I do get angry. What I'm talking about is boiling rage, disappointment, confusion, abyssmal loneliness, and the desperate need for an outlet, any outlet. More like lava trying to find a way out from beneath a smoking volcano. When I caught lava seeping out towards the kids, that was a wake up call for me. I have sought peace and discipline successfully through meditation and yoga for many years, before A became a problem with him, and still anger was slipping past my radar. I have come a long way since then, yet I recognized the need to find a place like this one, and plan to go to Alanon in the next week or two. Progress is progress, but with something like this there's no such thing as too much. The more you learn, the more safe places you find for yourself, the better atmosphere you build for yourself and your children, things can only get better for you in that sense. I must tell you that finding this place has been a godsend for me, and it can be for you too. I'm no longer alone. No one can make him do anything except for himself. Take care of you and your needs. Things will be clearer for you once you do.

hexx

HSL-It does seem like you are on the right track to getting better--just knowing that you are not ok and that the situation is not ok is a step in the right direction. It may not seem like it, but it is.

I understand the seething hatred and resentment. The unfairness of it all. Being a single parent while your partner walks around like a ghost in the house is frustrating as he**. All of the anger that you feel towards him seeps out into everything that you do, including interacting with your children. I have been there (and I still feel that way sometimes). I can tell you, though, it does get easier. My stbxah didn't work for the past several years, so I have been the sole bread winner. This left him plenty of time to clean the house, care for our children, etc. Instead, he worked on keeping the couch from moving too far away from the tv and making sure his vodka always stocked.

We aren't together anymore (he is in jail for domestic violence) and I found once he was removed from the equation my depression lessened greatly. My kids and I have lived more life in the past couple of months then we did in the past several years while he was here. Don't get me wrong, there are still moments where I feel as if I wish someone would just swoop in and be super nanny for me so I could have some down time, but the moments are fewer and fewer as time passes.

I'm not saying you should leave him (that is a decision only you can make), but taking the time to work on yourself, finding a way to recapture your happiness, will make a world of difference for you and your children.

Keep posting, even if it is just to rant and vent. We have all been there.

Hugs to you and your children. You can do this!

HisSecretLife

Wow, you guys are amazing already. Each and everyone of you have given me some very helpful advice.

I am wholly encouraged by all your responses and I feel completely ready to dig my way out of this rut, whatever way that will be accomplished, first things first, help myself so that I can be the strong, loving mother my kids need, and that I need to be for myself.

HisSecretLife

Thank you all

I am literally blown away by the warm welcome

maia1234

We are always here for you. Just reach out my friend, we all get it!!

Autumnlover19

HisSecretLife,
I feel your pain and rage. I am going through a similar situation but I am an alcoholic too, who struggles and has periods of sobriety but is surrounded by alcohol day in and day out by my ABF who never attempts to stop drinking.
I am angry all the time too. We have an infant and a new house and I pay for everything. And I clean and cook. He is currently sitting on the couch watching TV while I care for our infant and clean. This is after a major fight in which he said terrible things. I asked him to leave and he refused. So now I am going to leave for the day with our son while he naps on my couch/watches my TV, and drinks beer, in my house. The anger I feel right now has actually turned into a sense of calmness as I plan how to leave this situation or make it better. Your post really struck a chord with me today. Thank you for sharing. You are not alone.