FireSprite

I'm tossing this idea around for my mom for Christmas. She's stalled & backsliding in her own therapy/recovery & she has just so, so far to go yet.

I know this isn't MINE to fix, but in some of my recent Brene Brown readings (sick of hearing me talk about her yet?? ) I know that her message on overcoming shame is critical to people like my mom & I started toying with the idea of getting her most relevant books on audio CD for mom to listen to while she works on her crafting projects.


I may or may not do that, but it got me wondering: If you were building a recovery toolkit for another Codie, what would it contain?

FireSprite

I wouldn't care ~except~ it brings her Codie side out in a big way & while my sister & I *can* shorten contact & detach, that's not a long-term solution. She lashes out & latches onto us & spirals into self-pity. Mom has relatively no one else - a few friends that are great for socializing & enabling her but no one that will hold her accountable in any way. She's been pushing her healing aside for about a year now - like she figured that simply by way of naming her damage, it would heal & fade.... but, it doesn't. Especially since she was still having a lot of contact with people that kept triggering her about her abusers - other siblings, my grandmother, etc. Her relationship with G'ma is toxic at best. It turns into nightmares that attack her when vulnerable in sleep & leave her in a FOG for days - literally, days of mental & physical fog.

When this spiral started in early July, I tried to talk to her about finding resources, therapy, etc & she nearly bit my head off, immediately crying victim. Her emotional damage is so bad, so deep & it has physically crippled her with so many minor problems that she is literally handicapped even though she isn't even 60 yet. And honestly, I got mad. I've tried countless times to reach her - given her more suggestions & ideas & actual TOOLS that she just accepts, acts interested in & then ignores & forgets.

I know it's not our job to put this much effort into it but remember that my mom's damage is due to extreme sexual abuse at the hands of 3 brothers, starting at age 4 & going more than a decade. I know this falls under the heading of "crossing to her side of the street" but IMO her needs are so very different & her damage & shame & repressed emotions trump that thought. My sister went so far as to offer to pay for therapy since money is an enormous obstacle for mom, and she means it when she says she'd rather work a 2nd job that watch her sit by & willingly suffer.

Truth is I've been irritated as hell that she keeps spurning the guidance she's offered & I'm starting to see her as preferring to stay in the victim mentality.... she doesn't WANT to heal because she defines herself by her damage right now. Half of me sees the shattered little girl inside & the other half sees a grown woman capable of reaching for more.... since I don't know enough about SA, I don't know what reasonable expectations are around this. Does she NEED someone to push her to heal?

Our last conversation (about 2 wks ago) ended with me telling her that I was having a hard time empathizing with her choice to stay in victim mode - that if *I* have to be strong enough to do my healing on my own, why doesn't she? Definitely not my most mature moment.

biminiblue

"Mom, I can see you're struggling at the moment but it's really difficult for me to be around you like this. When you're ready to get into the solution, I'll be here for you."

biminiblue

I've talked about this before on F&F - I had to pull way back from my damaged/martyr/victim mom. I am an only child, so it was tough for me but it had to be done. I couldn't be her sounding board for her unresolved pain. It wasn't my place, it damaged our relationship, and it was hers to solve. I don't know if she ever really solved it, she had a lot of anger about her upbringing and things that happened - but it was literally let go or drown for me. I only have so much emotional energy for anyone, even my mother.

Wisconsin

Big hugs, FS. My mom passed away back in 2012, shortly after she turned 63. Like your mom, my mom's emotional issues left her with MANY physical ailments that ultimately left her bedridden for years. And while I loved her very much, and know that she always did the best she could for us with the emotional tools available to her, there were things about her that were so toxic, I ended up moving away from her in 2006 as a way to give myself some peace. Over the years I did try to give her some things that I thought might be helpful with some of her issues, but shocker...nothing ever helped, because she did not want to change. She wanted to live in the martyr role, particularly once she felt her physical condition had deteriorated to a certain point that there was no longer any hope.

I wish I had suggestions for particularly helpful books, etc., but I think those things are so highly individualized and personal. Plus, I wouldn't even begin to know where to start with someone coping with the kind of sexual abuse trauma your mother has in her personal history. Maybe choose a couple of books related to her favorite crafting mediums, and some crafting supplies (or gift certificate). Perhaps toss in a copy of The Road Less Traveled and/or The Wounded Heart. ((HUGS))

happybeingme

I don't think the source of the abuse, neglect, etc matters. The person really has to want to get better. There are a million free sources out there for your mom all she has to do is pick up a phone. I have a cousin who was the victim of incest at the hands of her dad. She got help on her own. Here is how I see it. You giving her a recovery toolkit isn't just a message of " I think you aren't working on things" but also " I think you should do it my way." She is your mom not your child. Treat her that way.

FireSprite

That pretty much sums it up. I've been dealing with FOO/mom issues the last few months too, so when her recovery started failing at the same time I had been withdrawing she immediately wanted to know "what my problem" was & started a lot of passive-aggressive head games & triangulation with me & sis. This keeps her from focusing on herself, lets her get lost in her assumptions. She basically poked an angry bear when I was trying my best to keep some distance until I worked through more.... even *I* didn't know what I was feeling, but I wasn't at a point to think or care about anything except MY emotional needs.

My radar went off immediately & I brought sis into the issues, cutting off the triangulation that mom creates, but complains about. (It's all good until she feels excluded & EVERYTHING makes her feel excluded.)

I'm probably more agitated because since then, I've stalled completely in my progress. Hmmmm..... I see the hole; I'm projecting a bit.... I need to work on not triggering into my oldest child-ACoA role simply because she is struggling..... I gotta get back on track without needing her to get there first.

THAT's what's triggering here -

FireSprite

Exactly what I told her too, thanks.

And - I think you originally suggested that I read "Mothers Who Can't Love"? I read it & it touched on a lot of what I needed to read & sent me looking for more resources written about the long term effects of untreated abuse like this.

Sorry guys, guess I should have posted this in the ACoA forum!

LifeRecovery

Firesprite-

My mom's wounding and behavior is pretty different from yours.

I am also in the midst of working on my mom "stuff" after many years of avoiding it.

In the past when I have considered a gift for my mom that might be leaning in the direction of recovery work I have consider physical treatment modalities like massage/Rolfing/Trager etc gift certificates. My body worker tells me all the time that sometimes this is the only way that people can release to allow themselves to start the work.

I have not done it yet for my mom, but I have considered it. It is not as up front as offering therapy, but can help to ground, release etc. I don't have any experence with sexual abuse though and I don't know if it might be appropriate for that.

I just want to normalize that I have felt very stagnant in my own recovery this year because working on my mom "stuff" is a big deal. It is an older piece and it is a piece that was formative for me. My lovely therapist reminds me all the time there is a reason it was so deep underneath for me.....and with buried stuff (that for me is changing my whole foundation/structure) it is important to take it slow. I sometimes see my recovery only in terms of growth and change....but I need to have the support in place first and this is what she thinks I am doing. I of course think I am languishing.

biminiblue

It could be posted in any dysfunctional forum anywhere.

I'd like to gently point out that by you getting together with your sister and discussing your mom, that too is triangulating.

We all fall short. None of us heal completely - and none of us can know another's pain fully. If a relationship I have is causing me pain, the only choices I really have are telling the person how I feel and setting boundaries around specific behaviors that are distressing to me, and when/if they fail to respect those boundaries, detach from them with an explanation.

I had to do this multiple times with my mother - and I lived 3000 miles away from her, on purpose. I figured she was an adult. If she chose to act like one, we could have a relationship. If she didn't, I could leave or hang up the phone. It took some time - years. She eventually stopped attempting to offload her pain onto me.

FireSprite

Wisconsin - it helps to know my mom isn't the only one like this...... I marvel at her physical manifestations of her emotional pain. It's HARD to watch!! Martyring definitely fits, although she would never see it that way. I will look into those books!

Life - I've done that stuff too. She can't have massages because her bones are literally too brittle - my sis is a massage therapist & would help her for free. I have given her GC for foot massages/reflexology treatments, but she won't tell them to adjust the pressure & it ends up hurting instead of helping. I've taken her for reiki a ton of times & she's gone many times with her friends on her own, but even my reiki practitioner has noticed - she doesn't want the healing. OR - she wants it but isn't willing to work for it.

I get what you are saying. Here's what happens - mom acts/reacts a certain way with me.... like tone, pass-agress comments, etc. but not with sis at all. So while I am very aware there is an issue, sis blissfully continues on unknowing.

This time, I called sis & explained what was starting to happen & then she called mom. We tell her that we've talked about it & bring it right back to her instead of volleying it back & forth to each other like we used to. We plan to sit down with mom soon & discuss this dynamic when we're all in the same place at the same time - it's been hard because sis works nights & is a single mom with 2 kids, our schedules rarely coincide for us to spend actual F2F time together.

I am starting to see that I struggle MUCH harder with my mom than my RAH - my role as caretaker in my FOO is so ingrained that I fall back into it without even realizing it.

FireSprite

I HAVE cut contact with her in the past - in my earliest part of recovery she was completely toxic & was still suppressing her damage. I HAD to for my own sanity & to protect DD.

I think I've hesitated on it this time around because she's divorced & alone & therefore, in my eyes, needier & more fragile than before.

Call the Codie Police on me already......

biminiblue

It is really difficult to navigate, you'll be okay.

AnvilheadII

maybe it's time to stop trying to FIX mom and just let her be? it sounds as if you want to give her this "Recovery Toolkit" not as a true GIFT to HER, but as a way to fix mom so it's easier for YOU to deal with her.

how she treats YOU really has no bearing on how she treats anyone else....even your sister. you KNOW what your mom is like, you know you've had to distance yourself in the past, you know she is resistant to therapy. why can't that just be ok?

Wisconsin

I can understand why this is such a tough one for you, FS. My own mother's internalization of her issues is absolutely what killed her at a young age. It is why my children do not have their grandmother around now.

And while it is not different from alcoholism in the sense that she has to want to get better before she will get better, it IS different when the harm causing these issues was so horrible and occurred when your mother was a child, through absolutely no fault of her own.

The fact that you are obviously so self aware about how and why this is triggering you, is the most important thing.

FireSprite

No - she's hurting & driving herself further down the rabbit hole. I really AM coming from a point of wanting her to be healthy for her own sake. I had every expectation of handling *my* crap on my own & it had no bearing on how I treat her now or what I think of her. I was very able to push what I'm dealing with aside because who she was then is a very different person than who she is now. Things changed because here I am working my recovery double-time to beat my eating disorders & FOO issues & instead of working her own she created a lot of assumptions & put inserted herself into my business.

The kit was a thought toward giving her tools, fully expecting that she may ignore it altogether & never see the value, but that I would have tried what *I* knew as best I could. Sharing info I'm aware of..... I'm not attaching myself to a result.

Because she projects it onto me, like a garbage truck backing up & just dumping crap everywhere..... and she ALWAYS has. Since I was a very, very, very small child I absorbed her pain, discomfort & fear. I was RAISED to feel it as intimately as my own - if not MORE SO because I was conditioned to put her needs ahead of my own.

Cutting contact last time was easy - she was aggressive & angry & it was easy to justify. It doesn't feel the same at all when she's weepy & victimized & weak. It never occurred to me that it would even be necessary or a solution worth pursuing in this situation until it came up in this thread.

I'm back to baby steps anvil, only just seeing these parts of this for the first time. I may wear a cape in my recovery with RAH & DD but these are my first tender baby steps in addressing all of this.

Butterfly

Firesprite my mum is the same she constantly uses me as her sounding board even when I am going through some very difficult issues. She was never emotionally available for me always telling me she should never have had me always made me feel that I wasn't good enough compared to my older brothers.

Her marriage to my dad was not a good one and they argued constantly, and when they did she wouldn't speak to me. She left constantly and I never knew where she was or what I had done wrong.

Since I had my daughter she has used me as her sounding board complaining about my dad, that I don't contact her enough and if I didn't she would again fall out with me. I would spend the next few weeks feeling guilty and trying to make it ok! I tried to detach from her for about a year or so but stbxah pressured me into re establishing contact as she was contacting him constantly wondering what she had done wrong and was she not a good mother, how she had always put us kids first and on and on. He didn't want to deal with her.

She had her issues, had depression and spent a period of time in a psychiatric unit when I was a toddler.

I recently bought a book healing the shame that binds you, the emotionally absent mother, a guide to self healing and getting the love you missed and recovery of your inner child. I'm hoping to heal the shame I feel and all the issues I've developed over the years.

((((Hugs)))) firesprite it's so difficult dealing with FOO stuff and others have said you can't force others to look at their behaviour and take responsibility for it, your only responsible for yourself. My CBT told me once if I can't detach completely that I should try to just do what is necessary as in go down say hello show my face but not allow her to monopolise me with her issues that she refuses to address! Easier said than done I know.

FireSprite

I appreciate that Butterfly, I will look into that book as well. I feel like I'm about hip-deep, trying to walk through thick mud.

You really might get a lot out of the work Brene Brown has done regarding shame & vulnerability. She studied women exclusively for years & what I've read so far just inspires me to read more. She's got some great online videos too.

And you're RIGHT ON about the inner child stuff! I made the connection this week that part of what is triggering me is that as DD ages & hits milestones, my inner child reacts. She just started middle school this year & that's when things REALLY ramped up in my FOO - Dad was arrested & ended up serving a yr in federal prison for dealing drugs. The shame was overwhelming for this fat kid, especially at a time when social inadequacy is heightened & we're struggling through early puberty to fit in with or stand out from our peers. I'm glad you brought this up, I'm going to do a lot of thinking on this over the weekend.

Butterfly

I'm really interested in the inner child stuff although struggle with listening to her and talking to her. I don't know what I'm meant to be listening too. I'm hoping that the more I read about it the more I will understand.

I will check out the Beene brown stuff aswell thank you.

LexieCat

You know, FireSprite, your mom isn't so different from an alcoholic who keeps drinking. Alcoholics didn't ask to be alcoholics any more than your mom asked to be abused and to succumb to the trauma of it. But there's only so much ANY of us can do to help someone else in these circumstances. Do you really think that giving her the "gift" (which I know is a product of your love for her) will make a difference?

You can leave the door open and tell her that any time she wants to work on building a happier life that you have a lot of information that might help--all she needs to do is to ask.

I'm sorry--it's very painful to see loved ones go through so much suffering, whatever the cause.