A Revelation: for pete's sake

Old 09-03-2015, 10:45 PM
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A Revelation: for pete's sake

So, I had been obsessing over my new guy (not an addict or A) and I know I was getting out of control. We'll be at 5 months next week and it's crazy for me to say that I've been out of my married home life for nearly 9 months now!

Anyway, I was making time for meditation and really focusing on prayer. It was at the point where I would just bawl, cry it out, and release so much pent up emotional energy and feeling. It always felt so good to just let it go and turn it over to God so that he can carry me and my burdens for me.

I realized that I was putting so much angst into whether he would call, or text, or make plans to see me or whatever....obsess obsess obsess.....

I turned it all over. I wrote it all out and as I wrote I realized that I was looking to a man for future financial stability.

Here's my revelations, after I meditated and prayed and journaled and talked to my sponsor and my friends:

1:I realized that I was so desperate to 'nail down a guy' that I was hyper focused on it working out.

2: I realized that I have such deep financial fears that I, once again, felt that the sooner I pin down a man, the sooner I may be able to relax about my financial situation.

3: I realized that I was placing too much importance on labels instead of just enjoying 'what is'

4: With 1-3 being said, I then realized that there is no guarantee that he (or any other guy) wouldn't leave me at the altar (or anywhere else along the way...or that I wouldn't be forced to leave on my end either) and I'd still be on my own, working my crappy hourly job, and struggling to pay my bills.

5: I also realized that people can leave this earth permanently and that there are no guarantees. In other words, I can die tomorrow or so could the guy I'm dating.....morbid thought, but it made me realize that I still can't rely on a man for financial security. I had a friend who was a homeschooling mom, hadn't worked for 16 years, and her husband died from a car accident from a diabetic incident (he wasn't taking his medication). Anyway, she had a small insurance policy to hold her over but she had to grieve and raise 3 kids on her own, get on her feet, go back to school to become a nurse, and start a new career. 4 years later, her life looks very different but she's happy.

So, boyfriend hasn't called or texted all day today after we just spent 4 days straight together and.....get this.....I wasn't freaking out. I'm starting to understand him more and I'm starting to relax and know that he just isn't a communicator and that it has nothing to do with how he does or doesn't feel about me. Now....if I can keep up this attitude for the next 5-6 days....we'll see.....but I am starting to figure things out and I'm starting to learn that there are no guarantees. I really just want to enjoy him or whoever is in my life at the time.

I have to stop looking at men like they're a prize to be won over. I need to start seeing myself as THE prize that they have to win.

And, to follow it all up: he did text me today to say good morning and then to ask me about a couch he was thinking of purchasing, wanting my opinion. He then texted me later to see if I wanted to spend time with him and his kids this weekend and then he surprised me by actually calling me before he went to bed. Go figure, the man is finally stepping up and I hope it's because I had the courage to ask him last week to do so, to meet my needs for more communication, and because I did it with no intent to manipulate but to only express my needs and ask him to possibly oblige.

I will always be in recovery. Life is good today.
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Old 09-04-2015, 02:26 AM
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lizatola....I get what you are saying. I think you have made a couple of good self revelations.

One thing that you said just jumped out at me. You said that he "just isn't a communicator".....and, "that doesn't say anything about how he does or doesn't feel about you". Well, that m ay well be true. BUT, I think it does say something about how you may or m ay not feel about HIM.
Think about it this much do you really, really want to be with a non-communicator type person? For the rest of eternity. If you basically need a communicator in your personal life...and, I think you do--from reading your posts for a few years, much of your need are you willing to "stuff down" forever.
Communication is a big, big deal in relationships. How many millions of times do we hear this. How come most every marriage counselors l eads off with the need for "communication"?
I remember you writing over and over about the l ack of communication in your marriage.
Now, it is possible that because you have thonked him--he will pull it together for a period of time because h e wants to bring you over to his side for his own personal needs....but, if he is "just not a communicator", deep down...I dare say that it will fade out. He is what he is. You can't change him.

You have been out of your marriage for less than a year...and dating him for less than half a year. Everyone is still on their "best behavior"....wearing their red Sunday shoes. It is, still, very much in the "look and see" period of the relationship. Anything that is a real issue, now....will become a big issue later.
A relationship that meets your genuine, legitimate needs will leave you feeling more at peace and stronger...leaving you to become more of your own potential.
Not...anxious and wondering and plotting and "obsessing".

In other words, I am saying: "Don't settle".....just to feel more "secure".
You don't need to and you don't have to.

When you first met said---"I am just going to enjoy the company...see how it goes...I'm not looking for a relationship or to get married".
LOL! I have the feeling that you may be decorating your future nest with him in your mind. (because that is what most of us women do).

I can remember posting to you that you ought to give about 18mo. to 2yrs. to see the true nature of your relationship together...especially, given your tendency to fit square pegs into round holes.

In this dating have to be willing to throw back the fish if it is too small (doesn't fit your needs).

Sorry for this "come to Jesus" talk. I am not trying to rain on your parade or to be critical of either one of you. That is not my intention.
I just want you to keep your eyes wide open....and, don't EVER settle.


***you can get any man you want.....
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Old 09-04-2015, 03:24 AM
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Congratulations Liz! Your revelation is exactly what I've tried saying several times here. That YOU ARE the prize and if another comes along and chooses to enjoy life with you, then BONUS! Always be self-sufficient and happy by yourself and NEVER depend on a man to "make you whole" or you will be disappointed every time.
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Old 09-04-2015, 06:49 AM
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I just want to point out that as hard as all this learning may feel; to me you are right where you need to be for the next leg of your journey.
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Old 09-04-2015, 07:04 AM
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I was always looking for people places and things to make me happy. I chased this illusion for most of my life.

What I found happiness is an inside job with people places and things are the icing on the cake.

First and foremost I have to be happy with me
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Old 09-04-2015, 10:25 AM
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Very wise post Liz! Keep doing the tough work for you! It makes you glow like you've had a facial!
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Old 09-04-2015, 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by CodeJob View Post
Very wise post Liz! Keep doing the tough work for you! It makes you glow like you've had a facial!
LOL! I hope it really does. I'm trying honestly, really just trying to be honest with myself and to learn how to NOT settle but also to be able to see that I still have to look at myself and know that I'm still needy and have some issues to work through regarding my own insecurities.

This relationship may fizzle tomorrow, but I will be able to take a lot of things about myself from having been in it. Or, it might last and be a long term relationship....only my Higher Power really knows but I do believe that people come into our lives for a reason and I'm happy that this man is here with me today because he's actually a lot of fun and I enjoy his company when we're together.
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:44 AM
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Dear Liza
Thanks for sharing.
Is deciding to be alone an option for you? I know this is a scary prospect.
Why not consider it for a year? It would give your energy to focusing on your recovery.
Keep coming back!
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