Detaching is Tough, But Necessary!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
TG, in your earlier posts you said she was out having sex with other people, and I guess for me that would be a deal breaker in terms of supporting her in my home.
Sorry if I got that wrong, but that was the reason I was strongly suggesting you get her out and soon. You also need to be checked for STDs if you even suspect that may have happened, whatever she's done in the last few weeks.
Sorry if I got that wrong, but that was the reason I was strongly suggesting you get her out and soon. You also need to be checked for STDs if you even suspect that may have happened, whatever she's done in the last few weeks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
jjj - Thanks and I totally agree. What amazes me is that it seems like a lot of As do not go easily. It's weird because they will behave in a way that is totally against the relationship...unfair, inappropriate, negative, basically repel you away from them....and act as if they are completely enraged at you -- Then when you say "go ahead and leave then, I'm done!" they change their tune and suddenly want to stay?
It's just sort of baffling to me. If it's so horrible here, and life is so terrible and they are tired of having their drinking questioned...why stay?
Hawkeye - Just saw your reply as well.
My over-active imagination probably imagined another guy in the picture...I have no reason to believe that is happening or at least no evidence. Yes, she was staying somewhere at night fairly frequently for some time here and there, but it could just as easily been with the female drinking buddies in town. Just very non-typical for her so it set up red flags. We have had fights over her drinking for years and years, but only the past month or so did she suddenly start not coming back until the next morning a few times a week here and there. Our brains then just imagine it however we want. Is it possible? Sure? Did it happen? No idea.
However I have learned that it is very difficult to trust anything she says these days.
It's just sort of baffling to me. If it's so horrible here, and life is so terrible and they are tired of having their drinking questioned...why stay?
Hawkeye - Just saw your reply as well.
My over-active imagination probably imagined another guy in the picture...I have no reason to believe that is happening or at least no evidence. Yes, she was staying somewhere at night fairly frequently for some time here and there, but it could just as easily been with the female drinking buddies in town. Just very non-typical for her so it set up red flags. We have had fights over her drinking for years and years, but only the past month or so did she suddenly start not coming back until the next morning a few times a week here and there. Our brains then just imagine it however we want. Is it possible? Sure? Did it happen? No idea.
However I have learned that it is very difficult to trust anything she says these days.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's not so baffling why she stays, it's because she CAN. She knows if she acts like a good girl for a while you will continue to be "patient" until the next blowout and the next demand that she leave, after which she will be a "good girl" while you continue to be patient...
If you're done, you need to get her out of there. Or this will go on for another god-knows-how-long. I have a feeling she can keep it up longer than you can stand it.
If you're done, you need to get her out of there. Or this will go on for another god-knows-how-long. I have a feeling she can keep it up longer than you can stand it.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
TG- I have to say I made my XAH life a living hell for years and years!!! I told him daily what a loser, alcoholic jerk he was. This was way before I found SR and my way back to alanon. I had no idea how to deal with a selfish alcoholic who was doing what ever he wanted. One weekend I told him he couldn't go away. The next morning I was leaving for work and saw that he had packed his car (after I went to bed) and was heading out of town for the weekend and wasn't even going to tell me. (I would have left me also, the way I was acting)
I was very sick the last few years of living with him. I hated myself, who I had become, what I was doing, I did everything wrong. Not until I calmed down, got my head on straight could I grasp what I needed to do. So only at that time did I know what I had to do. That's again why alanon doesn't want you to make any decision early in the program. Because by the time you walk in those doors, you are usually a little crazy.
So time frame really doesn't matter on how long. It is really when you are strong enough to do the things you feel you need to do. Not what I say, they say, your "mom" says. Its what you feel in your gut!! That is when you can fully execute your plan. You have to be "ready" Hugs TG, you have made such progress over the last few weeks, you get stronger everyday!!
I was very sick the last few years of living with him. I hated myself, who I had become, what I was doing, I did everything wrong. Not until I calmed down, got my head on straight could I grasp what I needed to do. So only at that time did I know what I had to do. That's again why alanon doesn't want you to make any decision early in the program. Because by the time you walk in those doors, you are usually a little crazy.
So time frame really doesn't matter on how long. It is really when you are strong enough to do the things you feel you need to do. Not what I say, they say, your "mom" says. Its what you feel in your gut!! That is when you can fully execute your plan. You have to be "ready" Hugs TG, you have made such progress over the last few weeks, you get stronger everyday!!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 104
Try: You will tell her to leave when your really ready to let go of the potential of her getting better. I am going through this myself although I don't live with my A. Am attempting to be done with my A bc I can't take the chaos anymore. But that's just me but I get it. Its the what if's that will mind f*** and play with you if you let them. What if he gets sober and returns back to how he was when we first met then I broke up with him for no reason. But you know what tryguy they won't be like they were in the beginning bc it's gonna take maybe years for there brains to recovery and I personally just can't take the pain and suffering that will come with the madness of them recovering. ((((((Hugs )))))) to you my friend I know what your going through right now.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
If it's so horrible here, and life is so terrible and they are tired of having their drinking questioned...why stay?
Might ask the same of you, because its not pleasant for you either, so why do you let her stay?
Its really not that horrible for her you get that don't you? She does what she wants, and then throws you a dog biscuit here and there if she crosses the line. Straight up - she has no plans on leaving. And you have no plans on making her leave. You could very easily be that person a year, 3 or 5 years from now on here still in the same place except worse as the alcohol progresses.
I think often times its return on investment that keeps people in A relationships - after 9 years - that's a long time and a lot of energy for no ROI. There is always the thought that if its ended then the A gets sober, becomes the person we wished they would be, then ends up with someone else. Or, the guilt that if its ended they will spiral and end up in a bad place. Both are codependent thinking.
Might ask the same of you, because its not pleasant for you either, so why do you let her stay?
Its really not that horrible for her you get that don't you? She does what she wants, and then throws you a dog biscuit here and there if she crosses the line. Straight up - she has no plans on leaving. And you have no plans on making her leave. You could very easily be that person a year, 3 or 5 years from now on here still in the same place except worse as the alcohol progresses.
I think often times its return on investment that keeps people in A relationships - after 9 years - that's a long time and a lot of energy for no ROI. There is always the thought that if its ended then the A gets sober, becomes the person we wished they would be, then ends up with someone else. Or, the guilt that if its ended they will spiral and end up in a bad place. Both are codependent thinking.
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