hopepraylove

How has acceptance played a part in your recovery (I am asking this from an alanon/narnon perspective, but all responses are welcomed) What tool did you use to get into acceptance? Steps? Prayer? Meetings? What finally helped you allow to let go of the addict/alcoholic and let them a) hit their bottom 2) do things on their own 3) leave, etc.

I'm having a difficult time with my NC/Detaching right now. I'm working my third step in my recovery, and have a hard time with "let go and let god."

Eauchiche

Speaking personally, I question how much I have "moved on." From what I have read on these pages, the only real closure people seem to have is if their alcoholic unfortunately dies.

I know I will be working my program for the rest of my life.

searching peace

Acceptance of my husbands alcoholism came when I came on here and read I didn't cause, cannot control it and cannot cure it. I had to let him walk his path and I had to walk my own. But I never tried to control my husbands drinking. I only tried to understand it. But my situation was more about abuse of me and my children and as I just learned his personality disorder. I did keep saying the three C's in my head and it helped. Also the saying "not my monkey, not my circus" helped as well.

FeelingGreat

I found 'I can't control other people's behaviour, but I can control my reaction to it' helpful in times of real stress.

happybeingme

I went no contact with my mom a year ago and the first month was horrible. I started obsessing over her. It drove me nuts. I was constantly telling myself " do not call. Do not call. " I have never had such a feeling before in my life. But, through sheer willpower slowly so slowly after that first month it started getting better. Now I almost never think of her.

Letting go was hard but I had to be honest with myself, my attempts with her hadn't worked, would never work, and if I kept trying all it would do is kill my spirit. So, while the pain, sorrow, and mourning I went through in processing this truth was hard I know in the long run that mess of emotions was much less to go through then the lifetime of heartbreak I would face if I kept her in my life. A year later I still have sad moments but the peace and calm I feel overall is much greater and I am so glad I did it.

firebolt

Coming here changed everything for me.

1 - I was blindsided to read that I have a problem. I didn't believe it at first. I thought I was pretty dang great and sooo together. lol. "Codependant" was a label that I thought seemed so far away from who I am. After turning my obsession from XABF's drinking to this site, and reading here like a maniac, it started to register that I was blind to this part of me. I stumbled on this good checklist the other day, and even now after reading it, part of me is still like oh wow - I REALLY AM codependant! haha. Codependency Symptoms, Signs and Symptoms of Codependency by Darlene Lancer, MFT

2 - Once I realized I had a problem, I vowed to make MY issue the most important thing in my life to change rather than his.

3 - Detatchment - admittedly I was and am not good at the 'with love part' - I think for me, the only way I can do it with love is to not be in the same vicinity as the qualifier for long periods of time. I simply do not have the patience to deal with someone drunk a good portion of the time. I do not WANT to be around it. Detatchment for me came when I was so focused on myself that I realized nothing about hanging out with a drunk was good for me, fun for me, or fulfilling for me in any way. Maybe this will change when I am not around it in day to day life. Maybe not.

These 3 things led me to acceptance, but not without XABFs help. Once I valued him as an adult and a human being doing his best in life like all of us, it was very easy to accept that he is living it the way he wants to. I don't want him to change how I live mine, and he deserves the same from me.

FireSprite

I guess it depends on what you mean by acceptance, or in which way. I have had to accept many things in the course of recovery, not all of them belonging to RAH's issues.

Accepting things in others is a bit easier for me, I think, than showing acceptance to Self. When I really saw my lack of control in life it was impossible NOT to accept people for what they are. It became more about me setting boundaries at that point - I couldn't change or control but I could stop it from spilling over onto me.

OTOH, forgiving myself is so much harder because I don't have that "lack of control" to hide behind in that scenario & I found I was often holding myself accountable to vague, blurry standards in my mind.... unrealistic or outdated things I never verbalized to myself or laid down as Law, but that still tormented me internally.

Realizations that time was going to pass one way or another - who & where did I want to be when the future-me paused to reflect over these years. I saw that I couldn't control his actions or change his mindset but I could stop it from letting it degrade me as a person.... because I'd been slowly turning into someone I didn't know or like & I wanted to like my future self & be proud of the example I was setting for DD.