Soulful

He has cocaine issues. I am not sure how he found it in him, but for the first time in... Ever, he came clean.
He told me he has been doing coke for 2 years now, and lately every weekend. When he binges he loses control of how much he does and that's how it escalates. It confirmed my biggest fear, because all the signs were there.
He said he knows he has a problem and he wants to work on it for himself, because he sees it is ruining his health and his life. He told me it was hard for him to confess because he knew how much I hate coke, but it's not my fault, he chose to do it. He said he will work on himself and to give him space to do so.
I appreciate his honesty, and it is refreshing to see him owning it for the first time, but super hard for me to hear it.
Super hard for me to know my instincts were right, that all my nightmares were right... That I knew all along, but chose to ignore it.
Today was a tough day for sure and I have no friggin clue what the next step is.

maia1234

That is great that he admitted it, there is another part, of doing something about it. What is his plan? It is not your issue and he would be better off telling you on how he can kick his habit. Will he find a rehab?

He has opened a Pandora's box. Now let him work it. You finding stuff and doing stuff for him will not make him accountable for "his" problem.

The next step is sit back and see how he handles it. Hugs my friend, let him be accountable.

dandylion

soulful....in reality, nothing has changed. He is addicted. The situation is still the same. Your path is still the same. What he needs to help himself...if he is motivated to...is still the same.
This isn't really new news...as you already "knew" it and have been just to scared to admit it.

He needs to be doing his "confessions" to the people in Narcotics Anonymous or AA.....or, both. There is where it will matter.
I am suspicious that this "confession" has been triggered because he senses that you are pulling away from the situation. He may know that throwing himself at your feet will get you back on board and keep you roped in.......I'm speculating...but it is classic behavior....

That is on his side of the street. It is his to deal with...because you can't. And, you can't help him, either. (you probably believe that you can...lol).

I just wrote you a l ong post on your other thread. Please read it and think about it.

Don't panic....things are no different now that they were last night....

dandylion

AnvilheadII

admitting to a problem IS where it starts.....but there can be quite a gap between Admission - Awareness - Acceptance and most importantly ACTION.

and he probably has not and will not tell you the WHOLE story....coke can make folks do some crazy chit.....

there is nothing for YOU to do here - this is the time to stand back and WATCH what he does. not listen to what he says. words are not actions. does he have a PLAN to get off coke? he's been using pretty heavy and the stuff does not just let go. his whole life has been geared around it. every weekend if not more often. probably more often.

Soulful

He says attending the meetings depressed him, and usually that triggers him to do even more (he supposedly attended some). He said he wants to work hard and not go casino and make better choices. He didn't elaborate much, he just kept saying to give him space to do what he needs to do, because he wants to do it now. I am not sure what that even means.
His plan is vague, but I think giving him space is a good place to start, because I know he needs a place where he feels safe to work through his issues, and stay positive. Yes, reality sucks, but I rather him not go to a meeting feeling forced to do it for me, I want him to find his own solutions to his own problems.
So in a way, space is the right answer, because space is what I also need as well.

dandylion

Soulful.....Yes....the more space the better. Do you know how to do that?

About his attitude about the meetings....that is just crap. Yes, I said "crap"....lol.
PLEASE go to the "stickies" at the top of this forum page. Go to the one titled: "Classic Readings". Then...go to the article titled "10 ways to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".

When an addict is hurting enough to want to do it for themselves...they will do anything to help themselves. They stop arguing and making excuses and start doing.
He is going to do what he is going to do. You have no control of that. It all comes from within him. The question is, as always, is ---what are you going to do?"

dandylion

Soulful

As much as I would love for him to really seek help, he did tell me one truth, he said it needs to come from him.
Breaking the cycle is in his control, but so is mine. I too have options and I need to be brave enough to not just talk about them, but do. Do them when I don't feel like doing. Study when my mind is not there, just keep plugging away.

I want to do some things for myself first, to make it more "real" and stick to it, like someone mentioned, break the journey into small steps.
I will be returning my rings to him and ask for a separation, although he might not take it seriously since I am not technically leaving the house. It's more symbolic to me, really.
I want to tell him how much he hurt me, eventhough he already knows. I want to acknowledge his honesty and request for space, as I want the same.
Ironically, tomorrow marks my first year since I moved to Mexico and I want it to be my Day 1. Day 1 of working towards MY healing.
I read that sticky and he is full of crap. So full of it, he doesn't even know it, but my job is to release my pain, so I can heal.

I think I cried for 4 straight hours today. Deep down inside I felt a sense of ownership, but not because I made him do coke, but because I closed my eyes and chose to be passive.

dandylion

Soulful....good for you. Crying is nature's way of leting the negative energy flow out of your body.
I can appreciate your sadness.

I believe that I remember your saying that there are lots of meetings in your location.
Can you get to one soon (while you are still on a roll)?
LOL...crying is verrry accepted, there. They will all understand what you are feeling....

dandylion

Soulful

I will attend a meeting tomorrow at 5:00pm.

I also noticed there are online meetings, so I registered to one as well, I believe they are holding one every Wednesday evening.

You said there is more to his story. I believe there is. There were many instances where I reached out to his family members, and he would say he saw the light.
Not sure how today's light is any different than the others other than telling me he actually has a problem with cocaine.