I moved out... Are we on a "break"?
 

My ABf and I have been fighting so much recently. I've noticed more and more that his mental health is declining and he's just absolutely numb. We've talked about things here and there but it's never cordial - it always ends with him getting embarrassed/ashamed/angry. It has been building up so much lately that one day I just lashed out on him. I told him everything he did or didn't do for me, how his behaviour was affecting me, so on and so forth. So now he thinks that I'm unhappy (which I suppose I am) but then he goes on to list all of the things he has done for me that should have made me realize was his way of telling me he loves me. This made me feel horribly guilty. He also said that I wasn't cooking for him anymore (one of the ways I showed him I cared) and he was right... I had no motivation to cook anymore. Of course, more guilt.

One of of talks last Tuesday involved him getting up and screaming, "A psychiatrist is like a mechanic. They HAVE to find something wrong or they aren't doing their job. I'm tired of everyone telling me what's wrong. Nothing is wrong with me. Do I want to go? **** NO! The only reason why I go to the ******* doctor is because y'all motherfuckers told me to!!!"

HUGE red flag, right? He stormed out of the house, but returned 20 minutes later (usually he leaves for 2-3 hours). I went to sleep in the extra bedroom but he came in and told me to sleep in our room and later on in the night he even tried to cuddle with me. Of course this made me feel "good" because it is not often that he realizes his mistakes or is the first person to give in, regardless of whose fault it is.

But... I didn't give in. Yes, I got up to go sleep in our bed, but I did not let him cuddle. I was hurt and honestly shocked that he felt that way. This made him angry and he ignored me for the entire next day. The whole guilt trip thing.

So I tried to calmly talk to him the next day and he was open to it. He told me that I need to move on and that he doesn't want to drag me into his mess. He admitted that he was numb and didn't know if he could love anybody right now. Sexually, he said he is not "into me" right now, but he is still able to get it up and we have had sex.

I know, I know. He needs to focus on getting better without the pressures of a relationship. I took all of my stuff this time (usually I leave just to cool off), but I am just wondering where we are? Or... I guess, how do I just NOT CARE? I know he needs to get better, but I'm just so focused on what's going to happen in the future.

I guess it is important to mention that he has a psycho ex-gf who has been waiting for us to break up for her to swoop in. I guess I'm worried about her catching wind of our "break" and, well, you know... Him going back to her.

Sigh... I don't know anymore.

maybe you could focus on YOU and start to look into why you would want to hang on to such an unfulfilling and unhappy relationship?

imignoni, I think you should just let ABF and XGF get back together and count yourself lucky that you dodged the flying debris!

There is nothing in what you've posted that would make me think he is in any way looking to get sober. In fact, he's told you that in exactly those words, right? And until that happens, you can continue to expect more selfish, dishonest, disrespectful treatment from him.

I see you're new to the forum, and I hope you've gotten a chance to read around here. There are any number of posts that echo yours, so you know you're not alone in trying to find a way forward. Did you take a look at the stickies at the top of the page? This might be a good one to start with:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Alanon is also a great resource for education and face-to-face support. You might check into them, or else Celebrate Recovery, which some folks prefer.

You can't save him, and you can't save the relationship all by yourself, but you surely can save yourself. You're in the right place to get help w/that. Keep on reading, keep on posting. Gradually you'll start to see your path. Wishing you strength and clarity.

He's not ready to give up drinking. If he's only going to doctors/AA/whatever because he feels that he's being forced to go, it's not going to do a lick of good because he's not going to be receptive to their advice. That's about as effective as forcing a democrat to attend republican conventions in the hope that they'll switch sides (or vice versa, not implying that democrats are akin to addicts!).

You can't force someone to change their ways if they aren't ready and willing to change. All you can do is decide what you are willing to put up with in the name of personal happiness. Do the :scoregood moments make the relationship worth sticking through the :scorebad moments, or are the bad times a dealbreaker that you've told yourself in the past you wouldn't stick around for?

Ultimately, the best advice I've heard is that if you can't accept someone in their entirety as they are right now, then it is time to move on rather than expect that person to change their ways just for you.

I go through moments of clarity when I KNOW - not just deep down, but on the surface - that things will get better for me if we remain apart and that this is what needs to happen. But they are so fleeting... it comes and goes within the flash of a few seconds, then I'm right back where I was. Depressed and lonely and absolutely missing him.

How do I hold on to those moments without feeling like I'm just sitting here trying to convince myself?

I think you do it, as the saying goes, "One day at a time..." Or sometimes it's more like an hour at a time, or even a minute.

The more of those moments you hold onto, the more they add up. And as those moments add up, you start to get perspective--things start to look a LOT different when you're not up close and personal w/the craziness.

I just came across a Program saying today that I'd not heard before: "Play the tape all the way thru." If you go back to him, sure, you feel the wonderful warm-and-fuzzies, but what next? How does the tape end? B/c you already know how it ends, right?

I always find this thread uplifting; it might be helpful for you now too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html