hexx

Haven't posted in a bit but wanted to share.

So, AH had his twice weekly phone call with DD last night. The past month the calls have been upbeat and filled with words about looking to the future, making the family whole again (not happening), blah, blah, blah. He was really sounding like a sober, remorseful person who was finally understanding the devastation that he caused. Last night, my DD was playing a video game and was kind of tired and distracted during the call. He says to her "If the video game is more important then me I can get off of the phone" (I listen to all of their calls on speaker phone). My DD was so upset that she handed me the phone and just started crying. I calmed her down and she was able to finish the call ok. I get that she was distracted and kind of only half listening, but I totally caught the subtle manipulation in his words. She is only 7 and takes everything at face value. It was a great reminder to me on why I am doing this...why I am sticking to not getting back together with him.

Oh, and at the recommendation of many wise people on here, I picked up Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I feel like I am getting whiplash from nodding to myself at almost every single page. It is really helping me realize just how bad things were and how text book abusive my AH is.

Liveitwell

I've also read "why does he do that" and it was eye opening to say the least. Sorry your little one had to go through that. My ex is the same way...disgusts me. No regard to anyone else but little king him. It is abuse. Take care if yourself and your little one-praise God you are not going back!

Soulful

I am going through this now... And reading this gives me hope that one day I will ride the storm and be "on the other side". The much calmer and peaceful side.
Thank you for sharing.

hexx

Soulful-It has been hard but it is so much better now that we are not together. When things are tough on my own, I just remember that what I went through was so much worse. I thought I would never be free from what he did to us...that every day was going to be his special blend of abuse and alcohol. Finally things got so bad there was no choice but to call 911 and end the constant terror. There is light at the end of the tunnel...I promise.

Fourourgirls-I am disgusted as well. The way that he treats/treated her makes my blood boil. Now that he is in jail my DS has also begun sharing just how abusive he was to him as well.

And it really is little king him, isn't it.

You hit the nail on the head...the book is an eye opener. It has really helped me understand his tactics and see through the smoke screen that he tries to put up. I am starting to mentally catalog the abuse that took place separate from the drunken days and nights. I know once I get over the traumatic bonding things will be even easier.

amy55

I found that when I was "in" my relationship, my mind just kept going over and over, what can I do better, how can I word things differently, I had all of the what if's that you could possibly have. After I got out, it took me awhile for this to stop. But it does stop, and then you can see things more clearly.

I remember, I kept a journal, when I was still "In", I saw what I had written more differently, then once my mind started to function more normally.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

hexx

Thanks Amy! The self doubt is one of the hardest parts of the healing process for me right now. I was so trained to constantly revise my thinking and my actions to avoid a fight (and more drinking on his part) that I find I am needing to retrain my brain.

There has been more than one occasion (today included) where I am out with the kids and think "Crap, I need to get home or he is going to be mad" and then I remember that I don't have to worry about that anymore. That I can come and go as I please. It is the most amazing feeling of relief.

LexieCat

Sounds like you're doing well, hexx. Yeah, Lundy Bancroft is pretty awesome. He's also got a book called, "When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse." Might be another good read for you.

BlackSabbath

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Thank you for posting this!!! I'm having a tough time today and my head needed a reminder. My 2 year old and I used to meet up with my mom & grandma for lunch every Sunday. When I was with my ex, I could never leave the house if his other kids were there (I was in charge of 6 kids, meals, laundry, cleaning while he did whatever he wanted including sleeping all day!) and no matter where I went I had to justify being gone "for so long".

I was tempted to write him an email today because our son wanted to talk to him on the phone (poor little dude hasn't seen his dad or talked to him in 3 months), but you just reminded me why that is such a horrible idea. I love coming & going as I please! That was always a problem with my ex. But isn't doing your own thing also a part of a normal, healthy relationship?

Hugs & prayers sent your way! I call Bancroft's book "The Bible" when I speak to my DV counsellor

hexx

BlackSabbath--I'm glad that you stuck to your guns. Freedom to live your life is an amazing thing. I completely understand that "gone too long" feeling. I hated it!

My counselor was pretty happy that I was reading the book, it has been more than helpful in dealing with this.

hexx

LexieCat--Thanks! I did see that and almost got it. That will be next paydays purchase.