Should i contact him?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
AH should be in detox now and if you know that address I would send what your son has drawn and written to his father to that institution along with a self addressed stamped envelope to your son.
Send a cover letter letting him know that his son is thinking of him and to please send a short note reassuring him that he is loved.
My children are adults now but I always made sure that their father was a part of their lives despite his addiction and shortcomings. Knowing that they were loved and not abandoned by him was very important to me. Now that they are adults they have very little contact with him and do not have a lot of respect for him but they know he always loved them (I took care of them and put them through college and dad was not somebody they could have ever relied on for anything).
Finding the balance between manipulating AH to remember to reinforce his love to his child and what is a normal response can be challenging. However, he will be feeling awful in rehab as he detoxes and understandable that he wouldn't be up to thinking clearly about his child. A gentle reminder and a sas envelope for a very brief note is an appropriate and thoughtful response in my opinion.
Its a tiny thing but will be helpful for your child. I am an ACOA and my dad was always emotionally unavailable and cruel and I know how hard that is on a child... I made sure my kids never felt that loss with their own dad.
You can't develop a pattern of "helping" dad remember his child but this is a stressful time for him and I would give myself a pass for this small thing...
Fellow posters can chime in on their thoughts on taking this action just this one time...
Send a cover letter letting him know that his son is thinking of him and to please send a short note reassuring him that he is loved.
My children are adults now but I always made sure that their father was a part of their lives despite his addiction and shortcomings. Knowing that they were loved and not abandoned by him was very important to me. Now that they are adults they have very little contact with him and do not have a lot of respect for him but they know he always loved them (I took care of them and put them through college and dad was not somebody they could have ever relied on for anything).
Finding the balance between manipulating AH to remember to reinforce his love to his child and what is a normal response can be challenging. However, he will be feeling awful in rehab as he detoxes and understandable that he wouldn't be up to thinking clearly about his child. A gentle reminder and a sas envelope for a very brief note is an appropriate and thoughtful response in my opinion.
Its a tiny thing but will be helpful for your child. I am an ACOA and my dad was always emotionally unavailable and cruel and I know how hard that is on a child... I made sure my kids never felt that loss with their own dad.
You can't develop a pattern of "helping" dad remember his child but this is a stressful time for him and I would give myself a pass for this small thing...
Fellow posters can chime in on their thoughts on taking this action just this one time...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Update....
Ah actually rang tonight. We had a brief conversation - he stopped drinking wed, he asked to speak to ds so I asked ds and he said he did want to speak to him.
It was a short conversation / how's school type of thing until ds spoke his mind and I'm glad he did. Had seemed far more relaxed tonight. He asked ah where he'd been, where he was and told him that he felt sad and angry at ah. Ah apologised, told him he would try his best to get better, that none of this was anyone's fault but his own and told ds that he'd always love him.
I think that was ok.
Ah actually rang tonight. We had a brief conversation - he stopped drinking wed, he asked to speak to ds so I asked ds and he said he did want to speak to him.
It was a short conversation / how's school type of thing until ds spoke his mind and I'm glad he did. Had seemed far more relaxed tonight. He asked ah where he'd been, where he was and told him that he felt sad and angry at ah. Ah apologised, told him he would try his best to get better, that none of this was anyone's fault but his own and told ds that he'd always love him.
I think that was ok.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Happy for your son. And so much better that you didn't have to "arrange" it.
So dad's message is one that you can repeat to him. "As your dad said, this is not your fault, and it's something he has to deal with on his own." From his own lips. It's something you can fall back on when his behavior as a dad doesn't measure up to your son's needs.
Hugs!
So dad's message is one that you can repeat to him. "As your dad said, this is not your fault, and it's something he has to deal with on his own." From his own lips. It's something you can fall back on when his behavior as a dad doesn't measure up to your son's needs.
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by jarp 
AH has been gone 8 days now. DS6 has not asked about him and said he doesn't want to talk about him.
Tonight he opened up and said he's feeling sad and misses Daddy. Understandable. Before rehab a year ago AH was pretty absent, but after rehab he's been the house husband and has been around all the time - looking after the kids whilst I worked. So he's had AH around A LOT.
I acknowledged his feelings and validated him. I asked if he'd like to draw him a picture or 'write' him a letter and we'd send it to him. He asked about speaking to him.
AH has contacted me once, briefly on prompting from his sister, to ask about our insurance for detox. He did ask how DS was....but he'd been drinking.
Apparently he's going into detox tomorrow. For 7-10 days, but there is a 2-3 week wait list after that for rehab. He will be staying with his sister in those weeks as he is not coming back here.
Ive been fine not talking to him...and I am better for not talking to him, I know if I do I will weaken in my resolve to not be in a relationship with AH, and to keep him away from our home.
Can I ask for advice? After a couple of days in detox, do you think I should call so DS can talk to him? If he answers the phone...
I don't want contact with him. But I'll need to. I want to facilitate, if possible, a relationship but know that I cant force AH to do the 'right thing' (i.e. have some contact with him when sober) by his son, nor can I manipulate him into it.
Should I text him and ask if DS can call? I'm angry so want to make sure I don't convey this through sarcasm...i.e. tempted to say "I know you are busy but you have a six year old boy who badly miss you, when you find time in your schedule to remember him could you give him a call". I WON'T I PROMISE....but I want to....
Or am I better to wait for him to contact DS and just help DS as much as I can...help him write a letter or something else?
Tonight he opened up and said he's feeling sad and misses Daddy. Understandable. Before rehab a year ago AH was pretty absent, but after rehab he's been the house husband and has been around all the time - looking after the kids whilst I worked. So he's had AH around A LOT.
I acknowledged his feelings and validated him. I asked if he'd like to draw him a picture or 'write' him a letter and we'd send it to him. He asked about speaking to him.
AH has contacted me once, briefly on prompting from his sister, to ask about our insurance for detox. He did ask how DS was....but he'd been drinking.
Apparently he's going into detox tomorrow. For 7-10 days, but there is a 2-3 week wait list after that for rehab. He will be staying with his sister in those weeks as he is not coming back here.
Ive been fine not talking to him...and I am better for not talking to him, I know if I do I will weaken in my resolve to not be in a relationship with AH, and to keep him away from our home.
Can I ask for advice? After a couple of days in detox, do you think I should call so DS can talk to him? If he answers the phone...
I don't want contact with him. But I'll need to. I want to facilitate, if possible, a relationship but know that I cant force AH to do the 'right thing' (i.e. have some contact with him when sober) by his son, nor can I manipulate him into it.
Should I text him and ask if DS can call? I'm angry so want to make sure I don't convey this through sarcasm...i.e. tempted to say "I know you are busy but you have a six year old boy who badly miss you, when you find time in your schedule to remember him could you give him a call". I WON'T I PROMISE....but I want to....
Or am I better to wait for him to contact DS and just help DS as much as I can...help him write a letter or something else?
If it helps YOU take steps to forgive and correct something so you can move forward, fine. It can't be about him because that's his mess to deal with.
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