hopeful4

So, as many of you know, I have ongoing issues with my X. He continues to drink around my children, I continue to remove them from that situation when it happens, which is ALOT. I don't have the funds to take him to court right now, and I have a text from him saying they don't have to come over if they don't want to. The last time they were there I had to go get them on Friday night b/c he was drunk. It's in our divorce decree that he not drink around them. I figure if he wants to take me to court, he can. Until then, I just document, document, document.

Here is the kicker. He now wants them to come over this weekend. I sent him his text saying they don't have to come if they don't want to. His response, that he has a court order that they will come during certain times. Well, it also says lots more, but it's all pretty much out the window for now.

So they are also supposto go one night during the week, which would be tonight. He started a new job on 12 hour shifts, so it has not even come up. Well, tonight he is off, as well as tomorrow. I am really scared he is going to call and demand to have the kids tonight. Normally I would take them and see how it goes, pick them up if he is drinking. However, they really do not want to go and I am not sure how to handle it if he demands to see them. Do I just ignore him? Tell him no? I don't know.

All the arguing has worn me down as of late, and I am trying not to have any contact w/him at all right now.

I absolutely HATE that he still has the power to create worry and anxiety in my life through our children. Ugh.

Thoughts people??

Pia

Hopeful4 I am sorry you constantly keep having to go through this.

I'm not involved with kids with my AH situation but I was wondering can you not respond to his text messages and see if he shows up?

Do you have it documented that he said if the kids don't want to go they do not have to?

Katchie

Oh my goodness, I'm SO very sorry you're dealing with this!! I know its heart wrenching and will wear you out physically and mentally. I'm sending you prayers. I wish I had some advice, but I've not been put in this situation -- yet. I know great advice is coming, until then, you have prayers going up.

If its in your divorce decree that he not drink around the kids and it's obvious he is, isn't that a legal document enough to stand on should authorities get involved?

FindingMe2

Hopeful, take some time to talk to God about it. He never fails us! Only He can give us a peace beyond our understanding. He will guide you, so let him!!

Keeping you, your girls and their father in my prayers.!

FindingMe2

P.s. He may try calling the police but they will tell him it's a civil matter.

hopeful4

Well, that's what I am thinking about doing Radiant. The normal routine would be that I would take them to him when I get off of work (I don't like him driving my kids). If he thinks they are coming, eventually he will text me.

I have a text message from him written about a week and a half ago that they don't have to come if they don't want to. My fear is that in the future he may show up at my little DD's school and get her. B.C. we have joint custody, I don't know that they could stop him, except our decree does say the days he gets her does not start until 6pm.

FireSprite

I'd call his bluff. I'd tell him NO, the children do not want to go & as per your text on xxxx date, they have your permission to skip visitation at will.

Yep, I realize we have a written custody agreement doofus, and I also realize that the most important thing here is the CHILDREN.... the children who, after calling for me to pick them up xxxx number of times because YOU violated their visitation order by drinking & the children who are tired of being victimized by your poor decisions, have requested to not visit you at this time following YOUR offer to allow them the freedom of this decision.

If he gets cocky & says he'll call the police I'd reply, OK, I'll be happy to show them my documentation along with the text from you granting them permission to skip visitation. I'm sure the girls would be more than happy to explain why they are refusing to visit their father. Do you want to put them through THAT?

If he keeps pushing I'd tell him I'd be happy to revisit the terms of our agreement in court if you want to push that far - with all the documentation of the ways & number of times you've broken the agreement & the fact that you've only just made your FIRST child support payment, I'm sure it'll work in my favor. Bring. It. On. (we all know he doesn't have the funds/ability to pursue this in court either)

I'd bark louder than him Hopeful, he's trying to bully you AND the girls with all of this. It sounds like he's spiraling into the next stage of his progression & he's becoming more unpredictable. (((((hugs)))))

hopeful4

Thank you FS. That is absolutely what I am going to do. My only concern about doing this is him showing up at school. I am friends w/ all the school staff and principal. I believe I am going to take my divorce decree in and explain what is going on and see if they can hold her there and call me if he would show up. I work less than 10 mins away from her school and can always drop what I am doing and go should I need to.

That's my only fear in really standing up to him. His fiancé is really weird b/c she won't stick up for him during times he is drinking and gets really mad if he drinks around the girls. HOWEVER...she is very firm in that she thinks he should have rights to see them when he is not drinking. As if he should just get to pick and choose. Ugh...it drives me nuts.

He voluntarily put in our divorce decree he cannot drink around our kids. However, I have been told my many people, including my own attorney, that if he had fought that a judge would have thrown it out. So I do not want him to try to modify that at any time.

It's a sticky situation for sure. Ugh.....

FireSprite

At DD's school I was happy to hear that parents may fill out a special form at the front office for these situations & as long as you supply a copy of that part of the decree that states "not until 6pm", they will not allow the child to leave the premises with the "wrong" parent. Do they have anything like that at your school?

hopeful4

I am going to find out! She goes to a private school so sometimes you have to ask for stuff like that. I will find out today and get my decree copied and ready!

Thank You!!!!

marie1960

So he wants them overnight?

Could dropping them off at a restaurant for a bite to eat, or ice cream be an option for a visit? Are there any other options for a non overnight visit? the park, a movie?

Certainly if he truly wants to see his children, the word compromise, and work together should be in his vocabulary?

i would hate to see you end up in front of the judge being accused of "not promoting a healthy relationship" (which is a total crock)

hopeful4

I had thought about that too. Just see if they would go eat dinner with him or something of that nature, but not stay over.

As of yet I don't even know that he thinks they will come tonight. However, if he does think that, and I just don't show....that is when there will be ensuing drama like no other.

knowthetriggers

**slow breath**, insert Serenity Prayer, more deep, slow breaths....

tight, tight hugs!!!!

hopeful4

Well, my eldest just asked me if she could stay w/her friend tonight and go to the scrimmage at school and prayer group in the morning, so it's a done deal...they are not going. I have not heard anything as of yet from him, we will see......

LexieCat

Hang in there, sweetie. You're doing great. The kids don't want to go, so I would just let them stay away.

Let him threaten and bluster. You just work on keeping your cool no matter what.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, but you are handling it just fine. I don't mean it is easy, but you are doing the right things.

hopeful4

Thank you Lexie. I really appreciate that. I still have not heard anything from him, not have the kids, so I am just hoping we won't.

He was off today, so he is likely already in a drunken stupor!

redatlanta

I hope you are documenting the times that you have had to pick them up. I would also document the times he is supposed to have them - like tonight - that he skips as well.

Sorry for all this I can imagine it is a lot of anxiety!

hopeful4

Oh red....I have been documenting for years, no worries there. It gets tiresome, but I never stop!

XXX

Liveitwell

Hopeful-both of my girls schools have copies of our decree for just that reason. I had to take that measure for their safety....you should too. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this continually...it is what it is when we have kids with an A! I know!!! Peace and love to you, friend.

Mango blast

Good luck!!

One of my Ala-pals hired a PI on the advice of her lawyer. That took the kids out of the middle and had neutral documentation of dad's behavior/drinking when he has custody.

PI said "that was easy!"