Have I made no progress
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 42
Have I made no progress
It has been over a year since I last posted and two years since I promised myself I was not going to let my AH's insanity affect me. We separated 3 years ago, got back together, and separated again 9 months ago for what I promised myself was the last time. I packed everything up and moved 3000 miles away. Divorce papers have not been filed. I can't file where I currently live until I have lived here six months. He can file in his state but won't despite saying he hates me and is divorcing me.
Today I randomly decided to check his Facebook and saw that he has added "In a relationship" to his status. I am beyond furious and I'm not really sure why. Maybe I'm jealous because he never had married as his status when we were together. I don't really care about Facebook and think it is kind of silly for a 46 year old man to be declaring a new girlfriend on Facebook. The woman just changed her status as well and wrote a post about how lucky she is to have finally met a real man and how he is such a gift from God. Oh please. More like a woman's worst nightmare. I bet she doesn't know that he is still married, he is a raging alcoholic with 6 DUI's , he was arrested just last month, he has outstanding warrants in 2 states, we are deeply in debt because of his reckless spending, and he is also physically and emotionally abusive as well as a serial cheater. Not only is he declared his love on Facebook he has also friended all her family and is posting messages to everyone like he is part of the family already. We were together for 13 years and he never was that chummy with my family. His new girlfriend also has 2 young children that he appears to already be playing daddy to. This makes me angry and really disgusted with this woman as well . I can't stand women who put there children at risk like this. She obviously knows nothing about my husband. I doubt if she knows he is married. And a quick Google search of his name brings up the 3 times he as been arrested for domestic violence as well as his many DUI's and outstanding warrants. Doubt she even went to the trouble to check if the man she is bringing into her kids life is dangerous.
I also feel really disrespected by him. He cheated on me many, many times while we were still together but this still hurts. Yes we are definitely over but the divorce papers have not even been filed and I think it's wrong of him to be so open about his new love. If he is so ready to move on he should have filed the divorce papers. Mostly I am just really angry with myself. I should just laugh off this off and feel sorry for the woman who has no idea what a monster she is getting involved with. But instead I'm back on here angry and writing long rambling posts. I thought I was beyond over being this upset about anything he did but here I am again. I know this relationship with this new woman is going to end badly as soon as he starts showing the real him. But the sick part of me is also questioning whether he has suddenly stopped drinking, and by some miracle become a good a partner even though I know that can't be true because be called me just 3 weeks ago screaming in a drunken rage. I think I am still affecting by all his years of him putting me down and telling me I was the problem in the marriage and now I'm questioning if I truly was. I can't believe I am still letting him get to me and make me feel crazy.
Today I randomly decided to check his Facebook and saw that he has added "In a relationship" to his status. I am beyond furious and I'm not really sure why. Maybe I'm jealous because he never had married as his status when we were together. I don't really care about Facebook and think it is kind of silly for a 46 year old man to be declaring a new girlfriend on Facebook. The woman just changed her status as well and wrote a post about how lucky she is to have finally met a real man and how he is such a gift from God. Oh please. More like a woman's worst nightmare. I bet she doesn't know that he is still married, he is a raging alcoholic with 6 DUI's , he was arrested just last month, he has outstanding warrants in 2 states, we are deeply in debt because of his reckless spending, and he is also physically and emotionally abusive as well as a serial cheater. Not only is he declared his love on Facebook he has also friended all her family and is posting messages to everyone like he is part of the family already. We were together for 13 years and he never was that chummy with my family. His new girlfriend also has 2 young children that he appears to already be playing daddy to. This makes me angry and really disgusted with this woman as well . I can't stand women who put there children at risk like this. She obviously knows nothing about my husband. I doubt if she knows he is married. And a quick Google search of his name brings up the 3 times he as been arrested for domestic violence as well as his many DUI's and outstanding warrants. Doubt she even went to the trouble to check if the man she is bringing into her kids life is dangerous.
I also feel really disrespected by him. He cheated on me many, many times while we were still together but this still hurts. Yes we are definitely over but the divorce papers have not even been filed and I think it's wrong of him to be so open about his new love. If he is so ready to move on he should have filed the divorce papers. Mostly I am just really angry with myself. I should just laugh off this off and feel sorry for the woman who has no idea what a monster she is getting involved with. But instead I'm back on here angry and writing long rambling posts. I thought I was beyond over being this upset about anything he did but here I am again. I know this relationship with this new woman is going to end badly as soon as he starts showing the real him. But the sick part of me is also questioning whether he has suddenly stopped drinking, and by some miracle become a good a partner even though I know that can't be true because be called me just 3 weeks ago screaming in a drunken rage. I think I am still affecting by all his years of him putting me down and telling me I was the problem in the marriage and now I'm questioning if I truly was. I can't believe I am still letting him get to me and make me feel crazy.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Honey, it's perfectly natural to be upset when a former partner moves on, even if we would never go back to them. Seeing his FB posts is reviving all sorts of feelings, once again natural, but you don't have to indulge in them.
Why not write out how you feel, then write the corresponding rational reaction?
Like - I'm jealous that he's including her family. Response - He's in the early part of the relationship, trying to impress her family. They'll soon find out more about him, and meanwhile it's not my concern.
I suggest you block them both on FB, no matter how curious you are about him and her. It may be hard at first, but it will lift huge weight off your shoulders.
Why not write out how you feel, then write the corresponding rational reaction?
Like - I'm jealous that he's including her family. Response - He's in the early part of the relationship, trying to impress her family. They'll soon find out more about him, and meanwhile it's not my concern.
I suggest you block them both on FB, no matter how curious you are about him and her. It may be hard at first, but it will lift huge weight off your shoulders.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by newme2013 
Today I randomly decided to check his Facebook and saw that he has added "In a relationship" to his status. I am beyond furious and I'm not really sure why.
The question you need to ask yourself is "what is your purpose in checking up on him?" Expecting that your ex WON'T be trying to live within the confines of what he calls "happiness" when you're separated only brings negative feelings upon yourself. Hoping for the validation that his life is still a trainwreck and that you're justified in remaining separated doesn't bring gratification, it brings suffering because that means you are wishing pain or misfortune upon another, and that means that you are pained.
Following up on the life progress of an ex, especially one where the relationship was broken with hard feelings, is a kind of fixation which is a form of self-inflicted suffering. I know, I'm guilty of that myself. Sometimes we get so accustomed to the suffering that we felt during our relationships with our ex A's that we intentionally seek it out even when we know that it isn't healthy for us. I find it helps to step back and ask myself, "Will doing this help me rebuild my self respect and sense of self worth?" And if the answer is no, I don't do whatever it was that I was thinking about doing.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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newme......I like FeelingGreat's idea of writing the "corresponding rational thoughts" when you start doubting yourself.
I think that helps to form new pathways in your brain and decreases your negative self talk.
I can understand your feelings. You are still processing all the hurt and pain that you suffered with this man. Last lived with him 9months ago.....? While you have m ade lots of progress....you are still in the healing process...
So smart of you to put lots of distance......
dandylion
I think that helps to form new pathways in your brain and decreases your negative self talk.
I can understand your feelings. You are still processing all the hurt and pain that you suffered with this man. Last lived with him 9months ago.....? While you have m ade lots of progress....you are still in the healing process...
So smart of you to put lots of distance......
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Sorry to hear what you're going through.
Just a reminder that we can support you more if you share with us regularly and join in with our community. We're pleased you're back after a year away but of course, there's not much we offer if you don't tell us what's going on.
Just a reminder that we can support you more if you share with us regularly and join in with our community. We're pleased you're back after a year away but of course, there's not much we offer if you don't tell us what's going on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Ehhhhh. You know FB is a PR machine right? I think its very curious your ex's page is open to you to see (ding,ding, ding any bells going off)? Trust he wants you to see that, pushing your buttons, and it has WORKED! If he is SOOOOOO interested in moving on from you he would have filed for divorce already.
Any who as to the woman, you are making judgements about her that aren't fair. You don't know what she knows, or what he has told (lied about) to her. Thankfully, its right at her fingertips. When the sh!t starts going haywire and not making sense trust she will take a looksie.
Sounds like there was never much respect from his end in your relationship anyway. You live 3,000 miles away, that he is dating is not that surprising. The marriage is over. You are just lacking the paper saying so in the eyes of the court.
He hasn't changed dear - not one bit. He has found a new codie is all. Hope he shows his ass to her sooner rather than later.
Any who as to the woman, you are making judgements about her that aren't fair. You don't know what she knows, or what he has told (lied about) to her. Thankfully, its right at her fingertips. When the sh!t starts going haywire and not making sense trust she will take a looksie.
Sounds like there was never much respect from his end in your relationship anyway. You live 3,000 miles away, that he is dating is not that surprising. The marriage is over. You are just lacking the paper saying so in the eyes of the court.
He hasn't changed dear - not one bit. He has found a new codie is all. Hope he shows his ass to her sooner rather than later.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi Newme.
Glad you made it back! My cousin calls Facebook, Fakebook. Keep that in mind. I think you should probably block him.
As for his new girl, Red is right. Poor thing probably doesn't know what she's gotten herself into. I'm sure she will find out soon enough!
Keep the focus on you. You don't deserve the aggravation.
Be well...
Glad you made it back! My cousin calls Facebook, Fakebook. Keep that in mind. I think you should probably block him.
As for his new girl, Red is right. Poor thing probably doesn't know what she's gotten herself into. I'm sure she will find out soon enough!
Keep the focus on you. You don't deserve the aggravation.
Be well...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd block his FB page.
And is there some reason you can't file in your old state? That's what I did. I moved 2,000 miles back to the East Coast when I left my second husband. I was in no rush to file for divorce until he started talking about moving to Mozambique, where his sister lives. The thought of trying to litigate a divorce with someone in another country freaked me out, so I filed quick in the state we had been living in.
If you haven't already done so, I really suggest you consult with a lawyer to find out how you can proceed.
And is there some reason you can't file in your old state? That's what I did. I moved 2,000 miles back to the East Coast when I left my second husband. I was in no rush to file for divorce until he started talking about moving to Mozambique, where his sister lives. The thought of trying to litigate a divorce with someone in another country freaked me out, so I filed quick in the state we had been living in.
If you haven't already done so, I really suggest you consult with a lawyer to find out how you can proceed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 42
I really can't afford a lawyer. Thanks to my stbxah we are deeply, deeply in debt. Of course he has not paid a penny on any of our debt. I'm really trying to pay our bills and repair my credit. I'm left with this mess he created while he moves on to this new wonderful relationship without a care in the world. According to the research I've done and the person I talked to at the court house I can't file the divorce papers in our old state now that I've moved. He has to do it and he's perfectly content to stay married and carry on with this new woman.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 42
[QUOTE=redatlanta;5526393]Ehhhhh. You know FB is
Any who as to the woman, you are making judgements about her that aren't fair. You don't know what she knows, or what he has told (lied about) to her. Thankfully, its right at her fingertips. When the sh!t starts going haywire and not making sense trust she will take a looksie.
I have no doubt he has lied to her about everything. I'm not judging her for falling for his act. What bothers me about this woman is that she has two young daughters that according to her Facebook she introduced to him within a week of meeting him. I question the judgement of any woman who so quickly gets her kids involved with a virtual stranger. And it only takes minutes to find someones legal records online. A 5 minute internet search would have shown her arrests for domestic violence, his 6 DUI's, and the fact that he is married. It is just plain bad parenting to not spend a few minutes googling someone before involving her kids.
Any who as to the woman, you are making judgements about her that aren't fair. You don't know what she knows, or what he has told (lied about) to her. Thankfully, its right at her fingertips. When the sh!t starts going haywire and not making sense trust she will take a looksie.
I have no doubt he has lied to her about everything. I'm not judging her for falling for his act. What bothers me about this woman is that she has two young daughters that according to her Facebook she introduced to him within a week of meeting him. I question the judgement of any woman who so quickly gets her kids involved with a virtual stranger. And it only takes minutes to find someones legal records online. A 5 minute internet search would have shown her arrests for domestic violence, his 6 DUI's, and the fact that he is married. It is just plain bad parenting to not spend a few minutes googling someone before involving her kids.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
[B][B][B]I have no doubt he has lied to her about everything. I'm not judging her for falling for his act. What bothers me about this woman is that she has two young daughters that according to her Facebook she introduced to him within a week of meeting him. I question the judgement of any woman who so quickly gets her kids involved with a virtual stranger. And it only takes minutes to find someones legal records online. A 5 minute internet search would have shown her arrests for domestic violence, his 6 DUI's, and the fact that he is married. It is just plain bad parenting to not spend a few minutes googling someone before involving her kids.
Why are you bothered by this? You don't know her. Maybe she has a record too, maybe she has a record worse than your ex. Who knows, who cares. Unfortunately bad parents are born daily.
As we say here, stay on your side of the street. Block the FB page. His life is a mess YOU KNOW THIS. He isn't doing great, he just found a fool to distract things for a while.
Why are you bothered by this? You don't know her. Maybe she has a record too, maybe she has a record worse than your ex. Who knows, who cares. Unfortunately bad parents are born daily.
As we say here, stay on your side of the street. Block the FB page. His life is a mess YOU KNOW THIS. He isn't doing great, he just found a fool to distract things for a while.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I wouldn't be in a position to give you legal advice, but it could well be that he's racking up more debt back there that YOU could be responsible for as long as you're married.
Even if you don't have money to hire a lawyer to represent you in a divorce, I think it would be money well-spent to at least get some legal advice about how to protect your interests in the meantime, and how you can most easily extricate yourself.
I know you have debt, but do you own property together? Do you have disputes about property or debt that would HAVE to be resolved by the court? Even if the court decided part of the debt was his, could you trust him to pay it? The creditor isn't bound by what the court decides, and if the debt is in both of your names, they can go after you anyway.
I also believe, though I'm not certain about this, that even if the court in your state has the power to dissolve the marriage, they may not be able to order him to do anything if he doesn't agree to submit to the jurisdiction of the court.
I handled my own divorce in my former state, and did everything by mail (though I did have to pay a process server to serve him, which you would probably have to do wherever you filed).
I think some legal advice would be very helpful in getting this going before you get any deeper in the hole.
Even if you don't have money to hire a lawyer to represent you in a divorce, I think it would be money well-spent to at least get some legal advice about how to protect your interests in the meantime, and how you can most easily extricate yourself.
I know you have debt, but do you own property together? Do you have disputes about property or debt that would HAVE to be resolved by the court? Even if the court decided part of the debt was his, could you trust him to pay it? The creditor isn't bound by what the court decides, and if the debt is in both of your names, they can go after you anyway.
I also believe, though I'm not certain about this, that even if the court in your state has the power to dissolve the marriage, they may not be able to order him to do anything if he doesn't agree to submit to the jurisdiction of the court.
I handled my own divorce in my former state, and did everything by mail (though I did have to pay a process server to serve him, which you would probably have to do wherever you filed).
I think some legal advice would be very helpful in getting this going before you get any deeper in the hole.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by redatlanta
[B][B][B][B]I
Why are you bothered by this? You don't know her. Maybe she has a record too, maybe she has a record worse than your ex. Who knows, who cares. Unfortunately bad parents are born daily.
As we say here, stay on your side of the street. Block the FB page. His life is a mess YOU KNOW THIS. He isn't doing great, he just found a fool to distract things for a while.
Why are you bothered by this? You don't know her. Maybe she has a record too, maybe she has a record worse than your ex. Who knows, who cares. Unfortunately bad parents are born daily.
As we say here, stay on your side of the street. Block the FB page. His life is a mess YOU KNOW THIS. He isn't doing great, he just found a fool to distract things for a while.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi New
I agree with Lexie on the debt. I am quite sure that you will be responsible for half of any debt accured as long as you are and stay married. Please try to get yourself some legal counsel as soon as you are able so he is not racking up what you are trying so hard to pay down.
As far as his new girl is concerned, unfortunate as it may be there is nothing you can do about that.
I agree with Lexie on the debt. I am quite sure that you will be responsible for half of any debt accured as long as you are and stay married. Please try to get yourself some legal counsel as soon as you are able so he is not racking up what you are trying so hard to pay down.
As far as his new girl is concerned, unfortunate as it may be there is nothing you can do about that.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
NM- READ!!!!!!
I bet she doesn't know that he is still married,
he is a raging alcoholic with 6 DUI's ,
he was arrested just last month,
he has outstanding warrants in 2 states,
we are deeply in debt because of his reckless spending,
and he is also physically and emotionally abusive
as well as a serial cheater.
3 times he as been arrested for domestic violence
called me just 3 weeks ago screaming in a drunken rage.
Count your blessings he is not with you and he is no longer your responsibility. I would file asap so anything he does going further is HIS responsibility as you could be paying big time for what he has been doing. Hurry!!!!
I bet she doesn't know that he is still married,
he is a raging alcoholic with 6 DUI's ,
he was arrested just last month,
he has outstanding warrants in 2 states,
we are deeply in debt because of his reckless spending,
and he is also physically and emotionally abusive
as well as a serial cheater.
3 times he as been arrested for domestic violence
called me just 3 weeks ago screaming in a drunken rage.
Count your blessings he is not with you and he is no longer your responsibility. I would file asap so anything he does going further is HIS responsibility as you could be paying big time for what he has been doing. Hurry!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by newme2013
It has been over a year since I last posted and two years since I promised myself I was not going to let my AH's insanity affect me. We separated 3 years ago, got back together, and separated again 9 months ago for what I promised myself was the last time. I packed everything up and moved 3000 miles away. Divorce papers have not been filed. I can't file where I currently live until I have lived here six months. He can file in his state but won't despite saying he hates me and is divorcing me.
Today I randomly decided to check his Facebook and saw that he has added "In a relationship" to his status. I am beyond furious and I'm not really sure why. Maybe I'm jealous because he never had married as his status when we were together. I don't really care about Facebook and think it is kind of silly for a 46 year old man to be declaring a new girlfriend on Facebook. The woman just changed her status as well and wrote a post about how lucky she is to have finally met a real man and how he is such a gift from God. Oh please. More like a woman's worst nightmare. I bet she doesn't know that he is still married, he is a raging alcoholic with 6 DUI's , he was arrested just last month, he has outstanding warrants in 2 states, we are deeply in debt because of his reckless spending, and he is also physically and emotionally abusive as well as a serial cheater. Not only is he declared his love on Facebook he has also friended all her family and is posting messages to everyone like he is part of the family already. We were together for 13 years and he never was that chummy with my family. His new girlfriend also has 2 young children that he appears to already be playing daddy to. This makes me angry and really disgusted with this woman as well . I can't stand women who put there children at risk like this. She obviously knows nothing about my husband. I doubt if she knows he is married. And a quick Google search of his name brings up the 3 times he as been arrested for domestic violence as well as his many DUI's and outstanding warrants. Doubt she even went to the trouble to check if the man she is bringing into her kids life is dangerous.
I also feel really disrespected by him. He cheated on me many, many times while we were still together but this still hurts. Yes we are definitely over but the divorce papers have not even been filed and I think it's wrong of him to be so open about his new love. If he is so ready to move on he should have filed the divorce papers. Mostly I am just really angry with myself. I should just laugh off this off and feel sorry for the woman who has no idea what a monster she is getting involved with. But instead I'm back on here angry and writing long rambling posts. I thought I was beyond over being this upset about anything he did but here I am again. I know this relationship with this new woman is going to end badly as soon as he starts showing the real him. But the sick part of me is also questioning whether he has suddenly stopped drinking, and by some miracle become a good a partner even though I know that can't be true because be called me just 3 weeks ago screaming in a drunken rage. I think I am still affecting by all his years of him putting me down and telling me I was the problem in the marriage and now I'm questioning if I truly was. I can't believe I am still letting him get to me and make me feel crazy.
Today I randomly decided to check his Facebook and saw that he has added "In a relationship" to his status. I am beyond furious and I'm not really sure why. Maybe I'm jealous because he never had married as his status when we were together. I don't really care about Facebook and think it is kind of silly for a 46 year old man to be declaring a new girlfriend on Facebook. The woman just changed her status as well and wrote a post about how lucky she is to have finally met a real man and how he is such a gift from God. Oh please. More like a woman's worst nightmare. I bet she doesn't know that he is still married, he is a raging alcoholic with 6 DUI's , he was arrested just last month, he has outstanding warrants in 2 states, we are deeply in debt because of his reckless spending, and he is also physically and emotionally abusive as well as a serial cheater. Not only is he declared his love on Facebook he has also friended all her family and is posting messages to everyone like he is part of the family already. We were together for 13 years and he never was that chummy with my family. His new girlfriend also has 2 young children that he appears to already be playing daddy to. This makes me angry and really disgusted with this woman as well . I can't stand women who put there children at risk like this. She obviously knows nothing about my husband. I doubt if she knows he is married. And a quick Google search of his name brings up the 3 times he as been arrested for domestic violence as well as his many DUI's and outstanding warrants. Doubt she even went to the trouble to check if the man she is bringing into her kids life is dangerous.
I also feel really disrespected by him. He cheated on me many, many times while we were still together but this still hurts. Yes we are definitely over but the divorce papers have not even been filed and I think it's wrong of him to be so open about his new love. If he is so ready to move on he should have filed the divorce papers. Mostly I am just really angry with myself. I should just laugh off this off and feel sorry for the woman who has no idea what a monster she is getting involved with. But instead I'm back on here angry and writing long rambling posts. I thought I was beyond over being this upset about anything he did but here I am again. I know this relationship with this new woman is going to end badly as soon as he starts showing the real him. But the sick part of me is also questioning whether he has suddenly stopped drinking, and by some miracle become a good a partner even though I know that can't be true because be called me just 3 weeks ago screaming in a drunken rage. I think I am still affecting by all his years of him putting me down and telling me I was the problem in the marriage and now I'm questioning if I truly was. I can't believe I am still letting him get to me and make me feel crazy.
Of course you are still going to feel the effects if you are left with baggage to still clean out of the closets he left behind. So clean them out, be done with it, and good riddance!
Look forward to a happy healthy space to fill with YOUR dreams, positive thoughts and future, and not any leftover mess from him that doesn't belong in your space.
He also deserves to be happy and so does his new friends and partners. Be glad for them, not upset or that drags you down. There is not a scarcity on happiness, where the more happy they are that means you have to be miserable or vice versa. EVERYONE can be happy and that makes it better all around.
The more you wish well for others, that positive energy attracts better people for you as well. So focus on circulating positive thoughts and energy, and you will find your life feels better. I'd get all that old garbage out of your space, and don't harbor any thoughts, ideas or feelings that drag you down as negative.
You deserve better and don't need to waste a single bit of energy or space on old things from the past, when the future has much brighter nicer things in store for you. It's like ditching the old furniture and clothes, and going shopping for what you really want. Treat your mind and memories the same way, clean up shop and fill your space with what makes you happy in life.
Take care and good riddance! Go celebrate!
You deserve that, for all you've gone through.
Yours truly, Emily
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