Feeling weak
 

Hey guys, I've been talking to stbxah today, he asked for an update on DS and his options following his exam results, which weren't great. He got his results nearly 2 weeks ago! Anyway I updated him and we talked a bit more about DS. He said about taking him for dinner on wed night and I said that would be great as I've an appointment on wed nights. He came back with offering to take him for dinner every wed night to help me out!! So I pushed my luck and asked him to take him for dinner sat and Sunday as I will be out all day both days and he said yes!

I'm floored he's never offered to help me out even when he knew about my counselling or when I was at university!!

He then said he had bought me cigarettes from his holidays and I didn't owe him any money and wished me a happy birthday for Friday. At the end of the text he put xo!!! Now I didn't add xo in my reply but I really wanted to.

Talking to him and him being nice and offering to help out and supportive was nice and made me hope he was off the drink. I know I know I've no evidence to think that! While we were talking I was reading through my draft cross petition for the divorce and felt guilty about putting everything on paper and proceeding with the divorce.

I realised I still love him and obsessing over the old friend and blaming myself for it going wrong was a distraction from dealing and acknowledging my feelings over stbxah and the end of my marriage. I also realised that while I still love him I know we are over and I won't try to convince him to get help so he could come home. There is no going back for us.

I need to stay in reality and not go back to living in a fantasy.

OH man. My first knee jerk reaction is this is a trap. Run the other direction. He has proven himself to be a very unstable person, and I would only believe he is not over the course of a very long time. I would also not count on him being there for when I need to make plans, as alcoholics are notorious about being unreliable, as we all know.

Just don't put too much stock into this. You are 100% right, you need to stay healthy and in the past he has not helped with that.

I say this with kindness b/c I know how hard this is for you.

Sending lots of love and many hugs! XXX

Its so hard. I am moving out from XABF this week and through the weekend.

He keeps giving me glimmers that he's becoming aware of how his drinking is a problem. It might be a show to try and get me to change my mind, he might really be realizing - who knows. A couple years ago, I could have made up a huge scenario where he was doing 90 in 90 and coming home the wonderful healthy person I knew he COULD be - but all based on a just couple little quips from him. That's my sickness. I hope him the best on his journey, but I have had enough. He isn't that - and he shows me he doesn't want to be that, today.

(((HUGS))) Glad you can step back and see it for what it is. I have a feeling I'll be trying to do that alot in the coming weeks too. We'll keep eachother strong!

I know hopeful thank you and your right about everything and I wouldn't rely on him for my appointments I've them organised so I can sort dinner then go.

My fantasy thinking had me running away thinking he'd been in some rehab unit and not on a boys holiday. I know letting my brain run wild!!

Thanks firebolt. Sending you ((((hugs)))) and lots of love and strength for the coming days, weeks and months ahead. Your incredibly strong!!

When my ex-husband offered to take the kids out to dinner and have them for a few hours on Wednesday nights my first hopeful thoughts were that he’s changing and really wants to be a good dad. NOPE turns out his attorney told him that if he agreed to take the kids on Wednesday nights for a few hours his child support payments would become lower.

atalose.....what an a$$.

I swear, nothing surprises me anymore.

I am so sorry for all of us that have to watch our children suffer due to selfish people like that. I hope that they step up and do the right thing at some point. Ugh.

again, nothing but WORDS.....

Butterfly, don't let some free cigs and an offer to have a few dinners with your son throw you off! Having a few dinners with his son is really the least he can do as a parent. You have done a lot of hard work to move on. He is throwing you a couple scraps to see if he can still reel you in, that's all. Don't let this make you forget all you've survived with him.

Timing of your cross-petition seems pretty suspect Butterfly.

He knows you will be filing and is trying to soften you up.

Bingo.

Hey, if he's being cooperative right now, enjoy the break it gives you. Just don't go reading into it more than there is.

Its nice he is helping but I agree. Timing too coincidental. Move forward if he has changed lets see how he is in a year.

Yep he is textbook. Don't fall for it.

Butterfly, Hugs my friend.

It feels good when he is "normal" and kind to you. You got him on a good day. Enjoy the help and kindness, but don't look for anything more. He isn't capable of it, you know that!!

Yeah, my stbxah is super nice too. I ignore it because I have no idea if he is staying sober or not and I don't want to go down the road of "is he sober or is he not" way of thinking ever again. I'm done with those types of all consuming thoughts -- DONE. This is one of many reasons im divorcing, which should be finalized in the next couple of weeks. I don't want to spend precious energy worrying and wondering.
Does your husband and mine have hidden motives? Possibly, but my X's way of taking care of our kids has always been to buy them; he doesn't seem to know any other way to communicate as a parent, if you want to call that parenting.
Just stay sharp. If you have kept a journal, reread your posts and remember why your doing what you're doing, or reread your posts here at SR.
hugs!

Well done on asking him to do more, and well-done him for taking on extra responsibility. The fact that you're not at each other's throats is probably because you're not together, with the conflict about drinking.

You know he can press your buttons, so try to keep contact at a minimum.

How's it going with your daughter?

Thank you everyone.

Hawkeye I never thought about timing and that my cross petition will be lodged soon!

When talking about DS last night and his results he said DS was hoping he'd scrap through as he always has but didn't and he's scared, I have a good idea how that feels. He will be feeling a failure and seeking solace in what he knows he's good at. If he doesn't sort himself out it won't be long before he doesn't find solace in them??

I didn't ask what he meant but I think it was an attempt to hook me in and ask him what he means. I kept the conversation about DS.

Again your right they're only words and it is the least he can do spending some more time with DS!

Feelinggreat it's going well, she's doing all her own chores, washing, cooking and dishes. She much more pleasant to live with and she has even cooked dinner one night for DS when I got held up at work and cleaned the bathroom the other day!! I'm hoping it lasts lol.

So had a few more conversations with stbxah about DS and trying to encourage him to think about his future and return to education.

Here's the thing I've noticed he's dictating how things will be should DS not return to education, he has to apply for 3 jobs every day and if he doesn't the house wifi will be turned off and his x box will be taken off him how he's not going to lie about on his a$$ everyday etc. then tonight after DS had been for dinner and he had spoken to him about his options it was all if he returns to education we can't make the same mistakes we made last year. When I asked what he meant he said well he admitted he didn't revise for his exams so we have to make sure that when he goes to his room he does his coursework and revises and how we must put on a united front!!!

Now while I agree that DS can't lie about on his a$$ everyday and either he goes back to education or gets a job I hated feeling that I was being told how I would manage things in my home and this united front stuff part of me thought he was trying to blame me for DS not doing aswell in his exams as he could have as I wasn't making sure he was doing the work and revising. I did the best I could I encouraged him helped him devise a revision timetable and he told me he was revising!!!!

Another part of me things are you being serious we won't make the same mistakes, where have you been, it hasn't been you here at home trying to manage everything, no you've cleared off to drink, you hardly see the kids certainly wasn't here to support in his revision or to support him the day he got his results, no you were off in the sun drinking, looking after you as always!!!!

Maybe I'm overreacting, sorry for the rant. It's amazing how a few text conversations with this man have me doubting myself and feeling that I let my DS down!!

Butterfly, you just listed everything you did and the big fat nothing your ex did to help your son. How can you feel responsible? It makes no sense. If your son is living with you you get to make the rules not the ex. Tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. Jeez.

As a mum of two adult children I will say you need to sit your son down and tell him what your expectations are. Time for him to find a job and start paying his fair share.

Here's my take on it. The one who has to enforce the rules gets to make the rules. I didn't approve of every single thing about how my ex and his wife raised our kids. Stepmom was into bribery--paying them to pick up their clothes, etc. But you know what? It was THEIR house, and THEY got to establish the routine there. I'd occasionally voice an opinion (in a nice and respectful way), but ultimately it was their call because it was their house. My kids knew that *I* wasn't going to pay them for picking up their stuff. I nicely told them that when they were at my house, MY rules applied.

If I were you, B, I'd just make neutral, non-committal noises when he talks and do what you think is appropriate.

Thanks happy and Lexie, that's how I feel it's my home my kids live with me not him and I will decide what goes on here not him.

I've spoken to my son and have made him aware that if he doesn't want to go to college and continue his education then it will be full time work no lying about playing x box all day. I'm trying to be gentle but also being clear about my expectations. He didn't do as well in his exams as he wanted and didn't get back into school to finishe his last year, he's pretty devastated he did however get enough to finish the same exams at college but can only take 2 instead of 3 but that's better than nothing or he could do something completely different!!

Lexie I didn't agree with him but didn't get into a debate about it, he just kept saying we are a United front?????

I'm taking DS to college this week so hopefully we will find something that interests him!!

At the end of the day I can support and encourage DS to revise but I can't physically force him!

Remember, this is the same guy currently campaigning for Father of the Year. He's trying to look good on paper.

Don't waste your breath arguing with him or hurting your head about his statements. Save your arguments for court. Make notes about what the history is with his "united front" as you were struggling alone. HE isn't the one you need to convince.

Actually I think your reaction was pretty healthy. You recognised that STBXAH was shifting blame, and that annoyed you. You've also kept in mind that he checked out of the DS's life in many ways, and doesn't recognise the burden he put on you or the day-today realities of living with DS.

I can't see the Butterfly of a year ago being so aware or healthy. Pat yourself on the back, you've come a long way.

Thanks Lexie and Feelinggreat.

If he wants to live in this wee world where he tells himself that he's this great father he can go right ahead!!

I told him last night that I did the best I could, a year ago I would have went into full on rant about how he walked out left me to deal with everything, wasn't there to support the kids blah blah but I didn't what's the point that's up to him to realise and work on if he wants to.

It's funny I think when I said I had done the best I could I wanted him to say it wasn't my fault and although he did, I didn't need him to, I didn't need him to reassure me it wasn't ,y fault I was already working through that myself, validating myself. Could I have done more with DS probably I could have stood over him every night , removed his x box behaved like a prison guard as stbxah would want but you know at some point DS has to take some responsibility, he's 17.

Yeah, there's only so much you can do when they're that age. To be fair to DS, 17 is often a difficult time, and the break-up wouldn't have helped either. I suppose the test is how he behaves now he has the results. Does it motivate him to do better, or would it be more suitable for him to get a job and maybe study part time later on?
My SIL 'forced' her son back to uni when he wasn't motivated and it was a waste of time.

He's very disappointed and has lost all motivation although he has admitted that he didn't put in the effort. The problem is he is the type of young lad who always done well with little work he always passed his exams although would have done better if he had put in a bit of effort. This is a real knock to his confidence although I think a difficult lesson for him in that if you really want something you have to work for it!!

No the separation didn't help and. I know this He did so well in his exams after the split however this was the accumulation of 2 years of work. I know he has struggled this year with the split. Suppose it had to impact on him in some way at some time.

I would prefer for him to stay in education, there's no jobs out there but I don't want him to just go to college to do something for the sake of it. Whatever he wants to do I will support him but now is the time for him to make choices and accept the consequences of his choices and all I can do is be there for him if it doesn't work out or it might. Time for me to let go and not control. Aghhhhhh scary lol ah well another step in my recovery!!!!

Boy oh boy! Someone sure sounds healthy and rational. Good for you butterfly. I found switching gears as a parent to a role that was more supportive and less direct control very hard. You really are doing well.

Butterfly.......do you think he is academically oriented? I know that you work with adolescents....so you must have some good observations as to his basic temprament and make up.
Some kids are (academically oriented) and some are just not--in spite of good intelligence.
I know that your system of education in the UK is not the same as here in the states.
Do you all have trade schools there....where one learns specific trades?
Does he like to be active and on the move? Does he get bored easily?
Do you have access to any vocational counseling for him?
(lots of questions, lol).

dandylion