Gracey

My AH worked OT lastnight.........when he came home......I asked him if Carol had come in yet or if he had heard something if she is coming back....I have asked him this question periodically.......and it was always no........Well lastnight it was yes......Carol had come in either or Monday or Tuesday and she is coming back from maternity leave......she has been off on Family Act Leave since my husband told me about the affair........When my husband told me, I called Carol and told her she either tells her husband or I will......so she did.....while I was on the phone.......

One day before she went on leave her husband came up to the job where both of them work and confronted my husband.....(nothing physical) but it was quite embarrasing for my husband and Carol......Because now the whole job new about there affair........Well she couldnt handle staying at the job so she went on Maternity/Family act leave.......and has been gone from my H place of work since about a week after d-day......

I just so happen to ask my husband yesterday if he had heard anything.......when I asked him he was honest.......when he said she is coming back.......and was in on Monday or Tuesday..........my heart just dropped......My husband said she probably wont be coming back.....and that she will get a transfer out of that place and go somewhere else......(I guess he was wrong)...

I have been able to handle him working there, because I had some comfort in her not being there....I had a flood of emotions come over me.......lastnight.....of course my husband asked me what was wrong now........I told him, he did nothing........these are feelings that i have to deal with.......and I told him that I am upset with the news he told me......I was having bad thoughts in my head lastnight......(if he had something to do with this women when she was 6 months pregnant with her husbands child......what is he going to think of her now) he once described her as a little girl........what does she look like now that she popped that baby out......

I know dont go there...........I know give this to God..........I also know that no matter where he goes if he is going to cheat on me again........it is out of my control........I have so many feelings right now.......I dont want to look at him......I dont want to touch him.....or talk to him........I hate him for everything he has ever done to me..........for some reason I am still there and I have to trust in God for what plans are ahead for me........I know you all know how hard this is...........

Magichappens

((Gracie))
This isn't an easy thing to handle. Your husband can't fix it. You are going to have to find the healing and peace. How you do that? Keep reaching out to the people who are your support. There are books that help process the betrayal and hurt and fears. It will take time to get through this, and you have all the time and support you need here. Get active in this. Look for healing. You can't let this fester like an unattended wound. If it's possible, find a meeting, seek some counselling (for you). Take care of yourself. The only one you can fix is you. Hugs, Magic

cwohio

gracey - yes, i agree with magic. it sounds like you need to get some support (counseling) regarding this as it seems like it is eating you up.

i cannot imagine what it feels like but my thoughts and prayers are with you!

cwohio

Gracey

I feel like I want time alone this weekend.........I want to go to my parents with my kids......I dont want him to go..........he would never let me........go by myself.......I know this........and I know it was just cause a arguement......I know he wont understand........I am after four months just suppose to his how hard he is trying.....since he quit drinking (he says for me).....he is trying to change to show me how much he loves me.......he is going to church faithfully every Sunday and Wednesday.......he was baptized........he says he is trying to show me in action how much he wants this relationship to work..........he says everyday it is a huge struggle to not drink.......and to try and change.......to me he is still selfish, inconsiderate and insensitive to what I am going through...........and everything is about him.............I need to accept that this is what it is going to be as long as I am with him.......and find serenity, and happiness within myself........he will think me going away is some sort of punisment that I am giving him..........he wont respect that I need space.......I have choices and my choice is to be without him this long weekend.........I know he wont understand............and out of guilt for his feelings............I again will sacrifice what I want...........for him.......and I dont want to.......I also fear his reaction to even suggest that I want some space.........

I know get off my self pitty kick and do something about it......right.......I am sorry everyone.......I am always so up and down.........this is just like my friends that i use to have.........they probably grew so tired of listening to my crap...........knew how volunerable that i always am........and finally said enough.........I dont blame them..........or anyone for not wanting to hear all my drama all the time............drama that I am learning that I am creating myself........

I just dont fit in many places.........maybe not even here..........I am taught to give it to God........but I am having a hard time getting past............trust.......If you have never trusted anyone in your life..........not your parents, or siblings, or husband......how do you find trust in anything............Is it just there.....does it just hit you one day..........do I have to hit bottom..........is this not bottom for me.........My tolerance for bad must be one of my biggest strenghts and protectors......

sweeks

Oh gracey! Of course you fit here. We are all in this together! If you want the long weekend to yourself take it. I sure would. Good luck whatever you decide.

Magichappens

I am praying for some courage to come your way Gracie. Taking care of yourself is not going to end his world. In the long run it will improve it. But he can't think that far, or be that open minded.
To find trust, you have to take a risk. Then you have to sit still until it plays out. Businesses take calculated risks. That is kind of what we do here and in Al-Anon. We weigh the pros and cons. We know that others here have tried things and gotten results. We know that they care about us and will be there to support us. We know that not every thing we try will work. We know that if we don't try something it is sure not to work. We know that if we change, there is going to be an adjustment period, where all involved have to deal with our change. Getting through that period is not easy. The hard part comes in letting everybody pitch their fit and try to pull us back. If we get through that, and get the rewards of our new change, we begin to build trust. We don't have to start with the earth shattering changes, but we do have to start somewhere. I had to consciously decide, "I'm going to do this come h*ll or high water, and see what happens."
I am praying for some courage for you. I know what it is like to have fear rule your life. Start small if you want, but start. The sooner you start, the sooner you will gain trust, in yourself, in the people that support you, in God. Hugs, Magic

cwohio

gracey - we are not tired of your posts - you need to talk about it somewhere and it sounds like you have no other outlet. it would be great if you could see a counselor or attend a meeting.

hugs to you and keep posting! cwohio

bjmt

gracey,getting over your AHs affair..would be hard. Some times turning it over to God requires more then just us telling ourselves to do this. We need outside help to get past all the hurt,pain and lack of trust we have in some one or something. God wants us to help ourselves and he will help us to to find the peace and contentment we want in our lives. Please..go to AlAnon meetings or find a professional to talk to..before this destroys you and your family. Would hate to see you have a nervous breakdown.
Will keep you in prayers. Please keep posting and coming. People here really do care!!!

Lorelai

Gracey (it's weird typing a different name) -
You said it all. "He won't understand." "I'll feel guilty." "again I will sacrifice".

You can't do anything about him not understanding - that's all up to him.
You can not feel guilty - you have to believe that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
You don't have to sacrifice - it's your choice.

L

redrose0729

Gracie
My sister once gave me a book to read its title was " Healing the hurts we don't deserve" the main jist of it was looking at the person who wronged you as week and needy and little by little the way you look at that person will change and your heart will heal

Gracey

You know how I said he didnt know when she was coming back.........well come to find out she allready worked a half day the day before yesterday and a full day yesterday..........so when I had the disussion wednesday evening and he told me he didnt know when she was coming back............he lied to me.........she was at work that very day...........and he didnt tell me.......he just told me she was coming back and didnt know when........and I talked to him yesterday to find out if he had heard anything yesterday of when she was coming back for sure and asked him if she was there today (which was yesterday) he said she was there and worked a full day.....and he worked OT again............

When I found out she was there.........and she had been there the day before............I flipped........I told my husband I cant handle this anymore.......I told him it is not you its me...........I cant do it.........I am not that strong to go to work everyday.......knowing that you are working with this person........I told him that my heart is broke......and I am scared........I told him to leave.........I told him that I need time, I need space............the things is it was different this time.........he didnt say anything back to me, he let say what I had to say.........he didnt yell back........he just said that he was sorry for hurting me that bad.........and that he Loves me............he is trying to change.........back to the not drinking and going to church thing..........but what struck me the most was when he said to me ............no matter what I do, not drinking......going to church.....its not going to matter you are still not happy............

I feel betrayed and lied to all over again, because he didnt tell me she was already back........how can you heal.......he slept in Bree's room lastnight in her bed..........he slept like a baby.........I was the last one to go to bed, the only one that had to get up for work.........and i couldnt sleep lastnight....I kept tossing and turning and thinking about this whole situation........

So what is this all a big joke and I am the cause and the center of it........do you know how hard it was too control myself yesterday..........how hard it was to admit to him........that what i am going through today had nothing to do with you, Its me and I dont know what I can handle.......

Lorelai

Sweetie -
He's probably always going to blame you for the way things are because that's what he's going to do. There is nothing you can do about that.

I realized that I don't need my H's permission to feel the way I feel. He's not going to validate my feelings. That's not in his best interest.

What you are going through does have something to do with him - he cheated on you, he lies to you and he's not willing to do the work necessary to try to repair the damage.

BUT - the way you are going to work through this problem has nothing to do with him. He's proven that you can't depend on him to help you fix it. You have to do that yourself.
L