XAH offering a ticket to ride the crazy train
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 15
XAH offering a ticket to ride the crazy train
I posted several weeks ago about my breakup with my ABF. Although I had my own emotional ups and downs since then, I've been working very hard to live a positive life and move on without the drama that he brought to the scene. It has been a great summer and I've experienced so much because I forced myself to do things I wouldn't have otherwise. While I still thought of him often, I felt more and more detached from him. Instead of feeling overwhelmed and sad, I felt forgiveness for him and hope that he might someday become happy in his own life.
I hadn't heard from him at all until a couple of weeks ago, when I noticed a text message from an unknown number. It was my ex, accusing me of working with the mother of his children to "sabotage his family" and take his kids away. I didn't respond for a few days (and should have continued to not respond to his bunk), but finally asked him what was going on when he starting threatening to sue me for defamation of character?! (Huh? Wouldn't a person actually have to have said character to somehow defame it? But anyway...)
He refused to answer my phone call to discuss whatever supposed issue he has, but instead hides behind threatening text messages. He reminds me that he kept every text message I ever sent him. What he plans to do with them? I have no idea. Logic is clearly not a factor here.
He is convinced his kids' mom and I have some sort of secret pact to destroy him. Although she and I did have brief contact shortly after the breakup, we have had nothing since and are in no way connected. I know absolutely nothing about where he is in life or what is going on, but he has convinced himself that I personally have destroyed his life. He cannot respond to reason or fact or even tell me specifically what lies he thinks I'm spreading, but instead continues to call me a liar and a freak and "borderline psychotic" for the things that he accuses me of doing.
It is truly baffling to me that someone is completely unable to take a shred of responsibility for their own life. It's also baffling that he thinks I would somehow have any pull to be remotely pulling the strings in his custody battle (as if I hide in the corner of the courtroom, whispering terrible things about him to the judge) OR that I would have the desire or energy to concern myself with his legal situation.
I asked him bluntly if he was drinking when I started receiving another series of angry, blaming messages late one evening. He quickly responded that the last day that he had a drink just happened to be the last day that I saw him. Never mind the ridiculousness of how ironic it is that he who could not deal with normal, everyday life without drinking, suddenly chose sobriety when faced with yet another shattered relationship in his life. Why would he think that I even care when the last time he supposedly had a drink was? He has this attitude of "gotcha!" about everything, as if he's just a few steps ahead of the rest of the world. And, if this is him sober, he seems remarkably similar to the severe alcoholic I knew a few short months ago!
He accuses me of doing so much damage to his family. The same family that he destroyed with his alcoholism. He sees absolutely no fault of his own in any of situations and places the blame completely on me at this point.
While we were together, these accusations would've hurt me so deeply. I would've been so sad that he didn't trust me enough or didn't do enough to help him, or whatever. Now, I feel mostly sadness for him, mixed in with some irritation and annoyance. It's sad to see someone fall deeper and deeper into addiction and whatever other mental illness he is likely suffering from, with little to no hope of recovery. It's sad to see someone mess up again and again. It's sad to know he damaged not only the life of my son and me, but completely obliterated his children's family, yet still sees no responsibility in it. It's sad that he has literally no friends left, other than his mom. It's sad that he could have the opportunity to greatly improve every problem in his life by admitting to having a problem, but he just won't.
But you know what's NOT sad? The fact that his problems are not my problems anymore! What a relief that is! Sure, it has kind of shaken me to be accused of destroying a father's relationship with his children, but the rational part of my brain kicks in and realizes there is absolutely no truth to his accusations.
I'm proud of myself for recognizing his self-pitying, victim act for what it is. I'm not 100% there yet, but I have come so far in becoming healthy and loving myself, and I will not let myself get derailed by crazy talk.
I hadn't heard from him at all until a couple of weeks ago, when I noticed a text message from an unknown number. It was my ex, accusing me of working with the mother of his children to "sabotage his family" and take his kids away. I didn't respond for a few days (and should have continued to not respond to his bunk), but finally asked him what was going on when he starting threatening to sue me for defamation of character?! (Huh? Wouldn't a person actually have to have said character to somehow defame it? But anyway...)
He refused to answer my phone call to discuss whatever supposed issue he has, but instead hides behind threatening text messages. He reminds me that he kept every text message I ever sent him. What he plans to do with them? I have no idea. Logic is clearly not a factor here.
He is convinced his kids' mom and I have some sort of secret pact to destroy him. Although she and I did have brief contact shortly after the breakup, we have had nothing since and are in no way connected. I know absolutely nothing about where he is in life or what is going on, but he has convinced himself that I personally have destroyed his life. He cannot respond to reason or fact or even tell me specifically what lies he thinks I'm spreading, but instead continues to call me a liar and a freak and "borderline psychotic" for the things that he accuses me of doing.
It is truly baffling to me that someone is completely unable to take a shred of responsibility for their own life. It's also baffling that he thinks I would somehow have any pull to be remotely pulling the strings in his custody battle (as if I hide in the corner of the courtroom, whispering terrible things about him to the judge) OR that I would have the desire or energy to concern myself with his legal situation.
I asked him bluntly if he was drinking when I started receiving another series of angry, blaming messages late one evening. He quickly responded that the last day that he had a drink just happened to be the last day that I saw him. Never mind the ridiculousness of how ironic it is that he who could not deal with normal, everyday life without drinking, suddenly chose sobriety when faced with yet another shattered relationship in his life. Why would he think that I even care when the last time he supposedly had a drink was? He has this attitude of "gotcha!" about everything, as if he's just a few steps ahead of the rest of the world. And, if this is him sober, he seems remarkably similar to the severe alcoholic I knew a few short months ago!
He accuses me of doing so much damage to his family. The same family that he destroyed with his alcoholism. He sees absolutely no fault of his own in any of situations and places the blame completely on me at this point.
While we were together, these accusations would've hurt me so deeply. I would've been so sad that he didn't trust me enough or didn't do enough to help him, or whatever. Now, I feel mostly sadness for him, mixed in with some irritation and annoyance. It's sad to see someone fall deeper and deeper into addiction and whatever other mental illness he is likely suffering from, with little to no hope of recovery. It's sad to see someone mess up again and again. It's sad to know he damaged not only the life of my son and me, but completely obliterated his children's family, yet still sees no responsibility in it. It's sad that he has literally no friends left, other than his mom. It's sad that he could have the opportunity to greatly improve every problem in his life by admitting to having a problem, but he just won't.
But you know what's NOT sad? The fact that his problems are not my problems anymore! What a relief that is! Sure, it has kind of shaken me to be accused of destroying a father's relationship with his children, but the rational part of my brain kicks in and realizes there is absolutely no truth to his accusations.
I'm proud of myself for recognizing his self-pitying, victim act for what it is. I'm not 100% there yet, but I have come so far in becoming healthy and loving myself, and I will not let myself get derailed by crazy talk.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Am I right in thinking that although you initially ignored his texts, you decided to respond when he threatened to sue you? That text was clearly designed to frighten you into responding. Legal action was never on the cards, it was just a ruse to get you back into an argument with him.
You don't need to continue this battle unless you wish to do so.
You don't need to continue this battle unless you wish to do so.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I have found toxic people thrive on chaos because it allows them to externalize all of their anger.
When we refuse to engage they are left with themselves which is the last place they want to be
When we refuse to engage they are left with themselves which is the last place they want to be
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good for you, and I suggest that you let him know if he continues to contact you with accusations and threats that you will be forced to file a complaint against him for harassment. And then DO it, if he keeps it up--as well as looking into the possibility of a protective order. His obsession with this could be a danger sign.
Broken Heart of Gold
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Forgive me, bubbleguppies (what time is it? It's time for lunch! What time is it? It's time for lunch!)...but your post got me laughing. Not because the actual situation is humorous, more so because I can't believe the things they come up with!
Sounds like crap my axbf would pull. I fully agree with the comment about trying to engage you in an argument - it's his messed up little way of "testing the waters" with you to see where he stands and if you don't take the bait, he's just going to come up with crazier crap. You know though that alcoholics loooove playing the blame game so that they don't have to accept responsibility. Good for you for passing up the ride on the crazy train!
Sounds like crap my axbf would pull. I fully agree with the comment about trying to engage you in an argument - it's his messed up little way of "testing the waters" with you to see where he stands and if you don't take the bait, he's just going to come up with crazier crap. You know though that alcoholics loooove playing the blame game so that they don't have to accept responsibility. Good for you for passing up the ride on the crazy train!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
He sounds just like my ex and his immediate family-threats of lawsuits, restraining orders, ruining me...the lost goes on and on. Why? Because I dare tell the truth. Yawn. Please keep yourself safe....he's just trying to get you roped back into crazy town. His town. Blessings to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
He'll shoot himself in the foot if you just bow out of this. If it gets personally threatening, then you have the right to take legal action.
It's almost laughable. Actually some of his responses truly are kinda funny, after a little distance from the conversation. My kindergartner has more logical responses when I tell him he can't have a cookie than this grown ass man does when he isn't getting his way.
Historically shooting himself in the foot is his MO, so I'm sure you are right.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I agree you are doing much better and I also agree that his suing you threat text message was how he manipulated you into playing his game and watching his show.
And rather than have a front row seat to his next act, block that unknown #.
No matter how much you try and convince yourself that his text messages don’t really bother you – they do. And now you have a choice – continue receiving the chaos and get further sucked in or block him #.
And rather than have a front row seat to his next act, block that unknown #.
No matter how much you try and convince yourself that his text messages don’t really bother you – they do. And now you have a choice – continue receiving the chaos and get further sucked in or block him #.
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