Show love or pull away??
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
Show love or pull away??
I have lived with my 30yo ABF for 4 years, one year of which he was sober. He was forced to do a court ordered program for a year that required regular alcohol tests to keep or send them to jail to "think about it". He changed his life around so much in a year and I saw his light coming back as he neared the end. His life, attitude and outlook had changed.
Then he thought he could handle being a "social drinker". As expected by me, he QUICKLY fell right back in to drinking a 30 pack of miller lite every single day. By the time he gets home from work (he has a landscaping business) he is what I would consider completely drunk, to him, it's maybe a buzz. Then that's when it's really on. He drinks 15 beers in a few hours and starts calling me names, accusing me of who knows what, stomping around, throwing my things (always MY things) acting like a complete jerk. All because I refuse to have anything to do with him if he has been drinking. No sex, no cuddling, no happy go lucky BS. he doesn't think I should make my mark in the sand so to speak and believes that because I refuse to have anything to do with him, I must be cheating, etc.
Last week I gave him an eviction notice. I own my home, I pay ALL the bills and he contributes ZERO to the household in any way. I am basically the only one that has any responsibilities. My eviction notice stated that he would be allowed to stay if he entered into a program, stopped drinking and stayed that way. He got hammered that night (no surprise).
But my question is.... I hear so many ways to go about detachment. Do I shower him with love and affection?? Do I push him away and refuse to be talked down to and walked all over?? I've told him many times he needs to get back in AA and I would help him get the help he needs - if he chose that. I don't want him to stay, he's escalating, but I also don't want him to kill himself (not that a 30pk a day isn't slowly killing him). Opinions?? Run like hell??
Then he thought he could handle being a "social drinker". As expected by me, he QUICKLY fell right back in to drinking a 30 pack of miller lite every single day. By the time he gets home from work (he has a landscaping business) he is what I would consider completely drunk, to him, it's maybe a buzz. Then that's when it's really on. He drinks 15 beers in a few hours and starts calling me names, accusing me of who knows what, stomping around, throwing my things (always MY things) acting like a complete jerk. All because I refuse to have anything to do with him if he has been drinking. No sex, no cuddling, no happy go lucky BS. he doesn't think I should make my mark in the sand so to speak and believes that because I refuse to have anything to do with him, I must be cheating, etc.
Last week I gave him an eviction notice. I own my home, I pay ALL the bills and he contributes ZERO to the household in any way. I am basically the only one that has any responsibilities. My eviction notice stated that he would be allowed to stay if he entered into a program, stopped drinking and stayed that way. He got hammered that night (no surprise).
But my question is.... I hear so many ways to go about detachment. Do I shower him with love and affection?? Do I push him away and refuse to be talked down to and walked all over?? I've told him many times he needs to get back in AA and I would help him get the help he needs - if he chose that. I don't want him to stay, he's escalating, but I also don't want him to kill himself (not that a 30pk a day isn't slowly killing him). Opinions?? Run like hell??
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Hi JAD, for someone in a stressful and abusive situation you sound like a level-headed and smart woman. As it stands right now, yes evicting him is the only option that makes sense. It's not just the alcohol, although it's depriving you of a decent grown-up relationship, but also the abuse which only just stops short of physical, and the lack of respect in contributing toward the bills or in any other way.
I'm very money oriented (not in a gold digger way, but in believing in good money management), and the money and housework situation would be a deal breaker for me right up, without the rest thrown in.
I know you mean well putting the rehab clause into the eviction notice, but even if he took you up on it, it would probably be a short-lived break. He's shown you that he can only stay away from the beer if absolutely forced, and then he returns. He hasn't got to the point where he's worked out that the alcohol is ruining his life and he has to fix that. As a sober A I can tell you it's often a long time before we really believe deeply that we have to stop drinking. Before that we may try but it becomes too hard.
At the moment you're enabling the worst behaviour possible for him. He drinks, has a place to stay, doesn't have any restriction or even have to be respectful. Probably his best hope is to have to deal with the consequences of his drinking without you as a safety net. He may get worse, but that his choice, not yours, and his best hope is to be forced to act like an adult.
Yes, run like hell, and find someone worthy of you.
I'm very money oriented (not in a gold digger way, but in believing in good money management), and the money and housework situation would be a deal breaker for me right up, without the rest thrown in.
I know you mean well putting the rehab clause into the eviction notice, but even if he took you up on it, it would probably be a short-lived break. He's shown you that he can only stay away from the beer if absolutely forced, and then he returns. He hasn't got to the point where he's worked out that the alcohol is ruining his life and he has to fix that. As a sober A I can tell you it's often a long time before we really believe deeply that we have to stop drinking. Before that we may try but it becomes too hard.
At the moment you're enabling the worst behaviour possible for him. He drinks, has a place to stay, doesn't have any restriction or even have to be respectful. Probably his best hope is to have to deal with the consequences of his drinking without you as a safety net. He may get worse, but that his choice, not yours, and his best hope is to be forced to act like an adult.
Yes, run like hell, and find someone worthy of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
Thank you for your kind words. I know that I enable him by allowing him to stay here. I have analyzed my actions in every way possible to stop enabling him. Stopping shy of kicking him out. His mother is the most kind woman and biggest enabler I have ever met, so he expects to be treated that way I suppose.
I guess I needed validation in my actions by getting it all off my chest. I feel like I'm abandoning him but I am doing myself no good service by staying. I suppose I put a clause in there to make it seem to him as though I'd help him and to acknowledge that the reason I'm done solely falls on his drinking problem.
But thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot right now.
I guess I needed validation in my actions by getting it all off my chest. I feel like I'm abandoning him but I am doing myself no good service by staying. I suppose I put a clause in there to make it seem to him as though I'd help him and to acknowledge that the reason I'm done solely falls on his drinking problem.
But thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot right now.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I'd stick to the eviction. If he gets his life together you can always let him move back. Right now he is abusing and taking advantage of you. You have the power to put a stop to it.
Stay firm. Don't send mixed messages- showering him with love, etc. If you really want to detach, get a big countdown clock, set it for 30 days or whatever and put it in a prominent location in your home. OK, I was kidding about that last part.
Sending someone an eviction notice seems pretty detached to me.
I know you're hoping it will wake him up and be a catalyst for change and that you won't actually have to enforce it, but you need to prepare yourself to do it, otherwise he will know that your boundaries mean nothing. I had big hopes when I gave my ex an ultimatum. It didn't work out the way I was hoping it would. But enforcing my boundary of not living in a home with active alcoholism set me free for something better.
Whatever he chooses is not a reflection of you or your worth. You deserve to be treated with respect in your own home, and your home should be a refuge of peace and serenity. Take care and keep posting.
Stay firm. Don't send mixed messages- showering him with love, etc. If you really want to detach, get a big countdown clock, set it for 30 days or whatever and put it in a prominent location in your home. OK, I was kidding about that last part.
Sending someone an eviction notice seems pretty detached to me.
I know you're hoping it will wake him up and be a catalyst for change and that you won't actually have to enforce it, but you need to prepare yourself to do it, otherwise he will know that your boundaries mean nothing. I had big hopes when I gave my ex an ultimatum. It didn't work out the way I was hoping it would. But enforcing my boundary of not living in a home with active alcoholism set me free for something better.
Whatever he chooses is not a reflection of you or your worth. You deserve to be treated with respect in your own home, and your home should be a refuge of peace and serenity. Take care and keep posting.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I wouldn't offer him the kind of "deal" you're offering (stay if he gets into a program). He's already DONE that, remember? The court-ordered program? What makes you think the "JustAnotherDay program" would be any more effective?
You started the eviction, I suggest you follow through with it. When and IF he has stayed sober ON HIS OWN, for a year, maybe you can consider revisiting the relationship. Right now it sounds as if you are getting zero out of it (unless you count verbal abuse and having your stuff thrown around).
You started the eviction, I suggest you follow through with it. When and IF he has stayed sober ON HIS OWN, for a year, maybe you can consider revisiting the relationship. Right now it sounds as if you are getting zero out of it (unless you count verbal abuse and having your stuff thrown around).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
Agreed.
He won't take the "deal" anyway, it'd mean he'd be held responsible for something haha
I always hear, "if they stay sober a year..." I mean, I wouldn't promise I would be here in a year. I would never want to tell him I'd wait for him. But honestly, why would I? I've already waited 4. How do people go about that sort of commitment??
He won't take the "deal" anyway, it'd mean he'd be held responsible for something haha
I always hear, "if they stay sober a year..." I mean, I wouldn't promise I would be here in a year. I would never want to tell him I'd wait for him. But honestly, why would I? I've already waited 4. How do people go about that sort of commitment??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
I have prepared to follow through this time!!!! I have reached my own bottom and won't let myself give another false ultimatum. It's now or never. I deserve to be able respect myself enough.
I am trying so hard. It's just so hard when you've been beaten down for so long. I don't see how people do this for decades!
I am trying so hard. It's just so hard when you've been beaten down for so long. I don't see how people do this for decades!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
JustAnotherDay.....you seem like a really nice person...lol.....and, good for you!
You probably learned all the same rules that most all of us learned while we were growing up....about how to treat other people in relationships....about how to be nurturing and kind...generous, trusting and l oyal, forgiving and tolerant....and so forth. I believe that those qualities are good and rewarded in normal give and take relationships with fairly healthy people.
Here is the stickey wicket---when addiction enters the relationship...eventually all these "rules" are turned topsy-turvey!! Who knew?? Nobody tells us that.
That is why I hope you stick around and learn everything you can about alcoholism and how it affects everyone around the alcoholic. Even if he does exit the house....you still need to know these things. I suggest that you get the book: "CoDependent No More" and begin reading it right away. It is practically a classic around here...and it is a good read. You will probably recognize yourself over and over....
You have a great window of opportunity, right now. Sometimes we m ake our most important strides during times of conflict and pain. (who knew?).
Believe me--all of us know how difficult it is to do what y ou have to do.
Can you imagine how hard it is to do the same for one of your own children?
I did....and I can tell you that it is one of the hardest things I have had to do.
Like you, I had reached the point where there wasn't any other choice. I had to do it for him and for me.
It was the best thing that I did. I can also tell you that I cried enough tears to fill the Atlantic Ocean.
Just know that if you were to let him stay...you are harming him and damaging yourself. Keep telling yourself that over and over....and over.
Please keep hanging around....you will need the support of people who understand....
dandylion
You probably learned all the same rules that most all of us learned while we were growing up....about how to treat other people in relationships....about how to be nurturing and kind...generous, trusting and l oyal, forgiving and tolerant....and so forth. I believe that those qualities are good and rewarded in normal give and take relationships with fairly healthy people.
Here is the stickey wicket---when addiction enters the relationship...eventually all these "rules" are turned topsy-turvey!! Who knew?? Nobody tells us that.
That is why I hope you stick around and learn everything you can about alcoholism and how it affects everyone around the alcoholic. Even if he does exit the house....you still need to know these things. I suggest that you get the book: "CoDependent No More" and begin reading it right away. It is practically a classic around here...and it is a good read. You will probably recognize yourself over and over....
You have a great window of opportunity, right now. Sometimes we m ake our most important strides during times of conflict and pain. (who knew?).
Believe me--all of us know how difficult it is to do what y ou have to do.
Can you imagine how hard it is to do the same for one of your own children?
I did....and I can tell you that it is one of the hardest things I have had to do.
Like you, I had reached the point where there wasn't any other choice. I had to do it for him and for me.
It was the best thing that I did. I can also tell you that I cried enough tears to fill the Atlantic Ocean.
Just know that if you were to let him stay...you are harming him and damaging yourself. Keep telling yourself that over and over....and over.
Please keep hanging around....you will need the support of people who understand....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
Thank you for your encouraging reply dandelion. I can only imagine how hard this must be with a child, the father of your children or a parent. In that way it makes me lucky I suppose.
I know I will feel broken and torn apart but I'm the WORST at taking the blame and feeling it in my soul. "If I had only done..." Is on repeat. Sigh.
I know I will feel broken and torn apart but I'm the WORST at taking the blame and feeling it in my soul. "If I had only done..." Is on repeat. Sigh.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't have to leave ANY doors open ("If you've been sober for a year"). You can simply say that you don't want to live this way, and it's time to say goodbye.
People break up ALL THE TIME over stuff like basic incompatibility--one person's a slob and the other can't stand it, they hate each other's friends, etc. IOW, things far more trivial than what's going on in your relationship. I know it can feel like you are "abandoning" him, but he KNOWS there is help out there and he's choosing not to accept it. So who is abandoning whom?
Trust me, if there were something you could do that would help him, we'd tell you (and heck, we'd be doing it ourselves). The cold, hard, truth is that this is who he is right now, and you are helping neither one of you by allowing it to continue this way.
People break up ALL THE TIME over stuff like basic incompatibility--one person's a slob and the other can't stand it, they hate each other's friends, etc. IOW, things far more trivial than what's going on in your relationship. I know it can feel like you are "abandoning" him, but he KNOWS there is help out there and he's choosing not to accept it. So who is abandoning whom?
Trust me, if there were something you could do that would help him, we'd tell you (and heck, we'd be doing it ourselves). The cold, hard, truth is that this is who he is right now, and you are helping neither one of you by allowing it to continue this way.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by JustAnotherDay 
Agreed.
He won't take the "deal" anyway, it'd mean he'd be held responsible for something haha
He won't take the "deal" anyway, it'd mean he'd be held responsible for something haha
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I know I will feel broken and torn apart but I'm the WORST at taking the blame and feeling it in my soul. "If I had only done..." Is on repeat. Sigh.
you need to start changing that internal dialogue NOW.....instead of decide that is already the outcome. you are not RESPONSIBLE for him, for the choices HE makes, for how HE chooses to conduct his life. you saw one "good" year when he was under court order and then three when he was left to his own devices. see him as a full grown ADULT and let him have his life back, in full, so you can have YOUR life back, in full.
you need to start changing that internal dialogue NOW.....instead of decide that is already the outcome. you are not RESPONSIBLE for him, for the choices HE makes, for how HE chooses to conduct his life. you saw one "good" year when he was under court order and then three when he was left to his own devices. see him as a full grown ADULT and let him have his life back, in full, so you can have YOUR life back, in full.
Broken Heart of Gold
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Yup, run like hell!
Imagine your life without being accused of xyz. Screw the eviction notice & tell him to get the eff out. You are worth soooo much more than that! I know I'm not doing a good job of sugar coating...but life with an alcoholic is not kittens and rainbows!!!
You have no ties to him, which puts you in an awesome situation to get him out of your life and your head - free yourself up to meet someone worthy of your awesomeness
much easier said than done - it's not your typical "breakup", so come often & poke around & post. I find sharing & asking to be beneficial in reducing the cravings for the axbf. You've got this!!! Hugs & prayers sent your way.
Imagine your life without being accused of xyz. Screw the eviction notice & tell him to get the eff out. You are worth soooo much more than that! I know I'm not doing a good job of sugar coating...but life with an alcoholic is not kittens and rainbows!!!
You have no ties to him, which puts you in an awesome situation to get him out of your life and your head - free yourself up to meet someone worthy of your awesomeness
much easier said than done - it's not your typical "breakup", so come often & poke around & post. I find sharing & asking to be beneficial in reducing the cravings for the axbf. You've got this!!! Hugs & prayers sent your way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
Def easier said than done!!! I have asked him many times over the last few months to move out. We argue everyday, if I'm all the things he calls me, you'd think he would WANT to leave. But why would he?! He's got it made! So I had to resort to the legal route. Unfortunately.
And yes! I am glad I got some responses, makes me feel a little less nutzo!!!
And yes! I am glad I got some responses, makes me feel a little less nutzo!!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
JustAnotherDay.....you are not being criticized for taking the legal route. You are doing what you have to do. Good for you.
Trust me....trust me....everyone reading this thread KNOWS that it is easier said than done!! We have all been there...in one way or another with our own alcoholics. We remember what it is like ( ugh!).
I applaud you for taking definite action with some (potential) teeth in it!
You are doing what you h ave to do.....
dandylion
Trust me....trust me....everyone reading this thread KNOWS that it is easier said than done!! We have all been there...in one way or another with our own alcoholics. We remember what it is like ( ugh!).
I applaud you for taking definite action with some (potential) teeth in it!
You are doing what you h ave to do.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I remember when mine got busted for his affair and I tried kicking him out. He said it was his house and he wasn't going any where. He slept in our basement for 8 months, till the kids left for college and then he took one of there bed rooms. We all so understand what you are dealing with. It really isn't that easy to get rid of an active A. Hugs my friend, life does get better once they are out of your home.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
JustAnotherDay:
take it from someone who has been married and dealing with spouses addiction for over 9 years, and with 4 kids:
Run.
Don't look back.
Don't slow down.
Don't listen to his pleas/promises/lies/whatever.
Just put more distance between you and him, and soon those his voice will fade from your ability to hear.
If you're not married, and I swear to you on this: it NEVER GETS BETTER WHEN THE RING GOES ON THE FINGER.
You can't fix what isn't yours to fix, and as you didn't break it, it's not yours to even consider it.
Just go.
And as for thoughts of all the time you've 'invested' in the relationship?
Trust me when I tell you this:
the best return you can now get for everything you put into that relationship is to just dump it. 'No more losses' in that stock.
No more loss of sleep, loss of security, loss of trust, loss of concentration or focus on what's important to you(job, family, friends, hobbies, etc), loss of your life.
No more losses. That's your epitaph for that relationship.
Then, make a solemn promise to yourself: don't ever do it again.
If I sound harsh, I'm not that sorry about it.
Its what I should've did years ago...
PEACE!
take it from someone who has been married and dealing with spouses addiction for over 9 years, and with 4 kids:
Run.
Don't look back.
Don't slow down.
Don't listen to his pleas/promises/lies/whatever.
Just put more distance between you and him, and soon those his voice will fade from your ability to hear.
If you're not married, and I swear to you on this: it NEVER GETS BETTER WHEN THE RING GOES ON THE FINGER.
You can't fix what isn't yours to fix, and as you didn't break it, it's not yours to even consider it.
Just go.
And as for thoughts of all the time you've 'invested' in the relationship?
Trust me when I tell you this:
the best return you can now get for everything you put into that relationship is to just dump it. 'No more losses' in that stock.
No more loss of sleep, loss of security, loss of trust, loss of concentration or focus on what's important to you(job, family, friends, hobbies, etc), loss of your life.
No more losses. That's your epitaph for that relationship.
Then, make a solemn promise to yourself: don't ever do it again.
If I sound harsh, I'm not that sorry about it.
Its what I should've did years ago...
PEACE!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
I appreciate blunt honesty. I, myself, am that way and am glad to hear it. Im trying to tell myself that. I never want to be with someone who even looks at alcohol again. I hate it. Deep in my soul hate.
Its hard to realize that it would never work out. And that that time is wasted time. But Id hate to waste more right?! Who says if he gets sober now that in another year he wont fall off the wagon and do this **** again for another year???
:Sigh:
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Serve another eviction notice with no strings attached, just get him the hell out of there. And yes, as sad as it may be, run away...quickly.
I am sorry. I know it hurts. However, you deserve a real future, not one like this.
I am sorry. I know it hurts. However, you deserve a real future, not one like this.
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