emilynghiem

Dear AD: I wish you could see how much further you are along, than people like him who deny and project blame on others like he does.

I hope you start to see what an advantage you have, being able to distinguish what is your problem from what is his. Given the depth of your hurting and mixed feelings, even in your confusion you have more clarity than people who are too scared to see what they are doing to themselves. I hope you give yourself credit and take courage in how well you are managing and aware, compared to people whose emotions blind them. This takes a good level of maturity and courage to admit you have bitter feelings and to see where they're coming from. You will heal a lot faster than people who can't see this much.

To speed things up, I found one sticking point that could help you to loosen up:

Happiness is not a limited commodity that if one person has more than the other person gets less. if you are suffering from an injury, whether a broken bone or a broken heart, it is part of the natural process to feel pain to let you know it isn't healed yet. That is not a judgment on you or someone else if they aren't feeling pain and you are. Your process is to help you, and they have their own process.

If he is in denial, and that's why he shows no pain, that's worse than going through the steps to heal that may be painful, but at least you aren't in denial and suppressing the process. So in this case it is natural for you to feel pain, it is part of the healing and recovery, and if his problems are unnatural that's his problem not yours.

I would not recommend trying to compare his happiness with yours, when you are in totally different stages that are unrelated. That really isn't fair to you, and I hope you see that you are still better off, even if you consciously suffer pain and he has no clue. One minister I heard gave a sermon that it was better to be Socrates dissatisfied, than a pig satisfied; where a pig wallowing in mud and being happy not needing or knowing more was on one level, but a highly consciously minded person, aware of greater issues and priorities in life, and thereby suffering from knowing things should be better and aren't where they are supposed to be, is still better off even if not at peace.

[as for the sentence after that, where he is blaming you for his faults. that's projection. that's his problem not yours. If someone blames me for the car wreck they caused, that doesn't mean I caused it, that means they are so afraid to face consequences, their defensive reaction is to point the finger at someone else. this should not be a reflection on you. it's maddening but if you can forgive it, then the debt will be in your favor, and it will pay itself back to you in a positive way. If you respond with equal negativity then it boomerangs on you in the negative. So I would recommend trying to forgive it first, before you try to correct anything. it's his problem, and he needs to correct that. this is one of the most annoying things about the alcohol addictions, this denial and projection. I had one friend do that, just so I would recognize what it is, and learn to watch out for that. Can't stand it either, but it's part of the problem and defense they put up. I can sympathize, but sorry I can't change when people do this weird thing. One of my post-A friends still blames me, then thinks highly of himself for forgiving me for things I never did. so annoying, oh well!!]

kayleezen

Thanks Jezzebelle, it's nice to hear your perspective. The he doesn't love you, you can do better is so useless when you are in love and violently confused by someone's actions. .
THANKS

ad0117

I was doing much better lately...not contacting the ex and stopped looking at social media. Then last night, I found out from a mutual friend that he posted he is moving to Florida at the end of October with the girl he's been living with since May/June. Remember that they just met in April, too! I am a wreck over this. To top it all off, I found out this morning that they're also planning on getting married. My heart is breaking all over again and I'm not sure how to do this. I can't believe it! It's like watching a train wreck that you want so badly to stop, but can't do anything about it. Everything I've been fearing for the last few months is now coming true. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

Thomas45

It would be helpful to ask your mutual friend to refrain from updating you on your ex's activities. Having people tell you what he's doing is akin to ripping the scab off a cut - it won't fully heal until it is just left alone.

Big warning signs right here. Believe it or not, you may actually be getting the better end of the deal here. They've been together what, 5 months now and they're already making wedding plans? At a best case scenario, this is classic addict behavior. At a worst case scenario, this is classic sociopath behavior and you may have unintentionally dodged a REALLY big bullet. Either way, I can tell you that it is Extremely Unlikely (with capital letters) that everything will work out for them. Odds are they're aimed for some really nasty times ahead.

I know this flow chart may seem like it's oversimplifying things, but there is wisdom in it:

ad0117

Thank you, Thomas. I feel better after reading your post. I know I need to let him go and let him fall on his own. I've already done everything I could, but he can only help himself. Right now, he's not even trying. He's just living off some strange new girl who was dumb enough to take him in after just a few weeks of dating. And he's continuing to run away from real life, not taking responsibility for anything he's done or anyone he's hurt. Maybe you are right. Maybe I did dodge a bullet. Maybe I should be glad he's not my problem. But, I still love him and it breaks my heart to see our relationship end so badly if this is really it. I want to remember him as the kind, sensitive, loving man he was with me. I don't want to look back on us and only remember how much I'm hurting right now. I truly hope I can see the reasoning for all this someday and think about him without feeling so much pain. Being with him were some of the happiest times of my life. I miss that more than ever.

ad0117

A little update...
A few weeks ago, I decided to show up at the apartment where my ex was living with his new girlfriend. When I found out he was moving, I knew I had to see him before he left. I guess I was looking for answers or some kind of closure. Most people would advise me to stay away, but I just had to see him. It could be the last time.

He was a completely different person. He gained about 40 pounds in just a couple months and looked awful. He showed no emotion, his eyes were blank. You'd never know that we had any history together at all from his actions. He couldn't give me any reason or explanation for what happened. I'd ask him questions and he kept saying he didn't know. It was all so strange.

The biggest surprise was that he was wearing a wedding ring! When I asked if they were already married, he told me yes. I thought he was lying because that just seemed too weird. I found out for sure last week that he was definitely lying. He was more honest with me when he was drinking than he's been sober...if he really even is sober now.

I should hate him for what he did to me. Sometimes I get so angry at him, but I really hate the girl. I wish it didn't have to get so ugly. I wish we could still talk. Now he's someone I don't even know anymore, a stranger who used to share all his secrets with me. I was the best thing that's ever happened to him and he ran away. He can't run forever. You can change your zip code, but your past will still find you. Maybe sometimes love really isn't enough. I loved him more than I've loved anyone and I couldn't make him stay.

happybeingme

No. Unfortunately love isn't enough. If it was no one would ever become alcoholic or an addict. He also has mental illness. Bipolar is a really tricky illness that needs therapy, medication and constant care.

As hard as it is you need to let him go. It is obvious he has moved on with his life and he has no place for you anymore. I am sorry.

Thomas45

I don't want to challenge your right to your feelings, but that other girl might not have any idea that you were ever in the picture in the first place. She isn't the one who betrayed your trust, he is. If he isn't able to be honest with you, do you really think he would be 100% honest with this new girl? He doesn't sound like the kind of man who values honesty.

The silver lining in this cloud is that you got the opportunity to see the darker side of your ex before your lives became financially and maritally entwined. This is your chance for a clean break and a fresh start at a healthier life. To quote redatlanta, the guy is a schmuck. He's engaging in self destructive behaviors. He doesn't value personal honesty. He doesn't value his own health. He's a grown adult and has the right to choose to live this way, but that being said, if he isn't able to place any value in HIMSELF, I don't think he's capable of truly appreciating anybody else's feelings except when their feelings benefit him in some way.

Sometimes the world removes people from your life for a good reason, as painful as it may be. Your last post simply reaffirms my belief that you really did dodge a bullet.

fluffyflea

You keep saying he said you were his best friend.

That's not a way to treat a best friend.

You are being treated abysmally.

ad0117

Thank you, Thomas. The girl actually does know about me. She claims to know all about his issues with bipolar and alcoholism and that he was fresh out of rehab when they met. She also claims to know about the letter he wrote me just weeks before they started dating...the letter where he said he still loved me and wanted to make things right. He also kept her a secret from his parents until right before they moved to Florida. These should be red flags to her and makes me so angry. Yes, he is the one who betrayed me, but she is not helping his situation. Of course, it's not my business anymore, but my wish for him is to be well and happy. He isn't either of those things - it's all pretend - and it makes me so sad for him. I'm sure he has lied to her about all kinds of things and she is believing it all.