Why do you really stay?
 

I have discovered through my years of trying to keep my marriage together that the reason I really stayed was "hope".
I could say it was for the kids, I could say it was because I loved him, I could come up with as many excuses for staying as my AH could come up with for drinking.
But in reality, for me - it all came down to "hope".

What about you? Why do you really stay?

I stayed out of fear. Fear of being alone for the rest of my life. Fear that this was as good as it would get. FEar that leaving him might be a huge mistake... if I let him go and then missed him...I couldnt' get him back. Fear that I could not handle a house, kids, dogs, job, cars, etc. without a man. Fear that my kids would grow up without a man in the house. That we weren't a "real" family any more. Fear that if I couldn't amke this work, then my life's main dream would never come to be. Fear that I would never have good sex again.

The reason I stayed with my ex-husband for 17 years was hope. I kept hoping he would change. FInally at 44, I realize people don't change THAT much.

I can relate to that feeling. I remember always having this incredible fear of ending the relationship only to discover that it was a huge mistake and that I'd have to live with the regret for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I'm not really good at making big decisions and so I tend to not make them if I can avoid it. I remember thinking that if I left though, that my AH would get his act together and become the person that I knew he could be and that some other woman would get the better part of him and I'd be left with nothing.
I also felt those fears that you mentioned as well. Fear is huge!!!!!!

We have had a lot of good years, and even good times after that. I trust God has a plan. Addiction is a horrible thing, but there are worse things. And yes, I always have hope. Magic

I had a good job, no childern, I was free to leave any time.
I stayed because I loved the sound of his voice. Loved to hear him laugh.
My hubby was a controlled A. But he got on a bar stool and there he stayed till closing time. Not every night, but too many. Fun loving happy drunk.
I stayed because I loved him and my HOPE was that I made him happy. Other men were dull I felt. I worried about him meeting someone in the bar, I worried he would have an accident driving drunk. I was born worrying.
clancy 46

Fear Iwill regret it and he will not come back sm
 

and the kids will be upset. Hope he will change since he did once before. Love him and think about the wedding vows of for in sickness or health. :dunno

wow
 

Seems we all are staying for the same reasons. I am also so afraid of everything you all have said. I also have been holding out hope. 10 years of hope. When you love someone so much, it is very hard to walk away.

My husband was in a bad accident 4 weeks ago. Now comes all the grief from his DUI. All the expense, all the embarassment for ME. I feel SO violated and I did not do anything wrong. We are getting TONS of letters from lawyers, and alot say DUI stuff right on the envelope for all to see. He went to his evaluation today and was labeled HIGH RISK. Now MY insurance will be so high because of HIM. All of this affects ME and I feel so angry.

I had hit bottom when this happened and had him leave. It killed me, I lost 18 lbs in 3 weeks, it felt as if I had died inside. He called and cried and swore he would never do this again, bla bla bla.

I let him come back because I was hurting so much. I made a list of ground rules. He is supposed to go to meetings. Well he hasn't done it. I asked him to leave today, he THEN said he will go to meetings, etc. It takes me to threaten him, for him to do anything. He is supposed to go for HIM, not me.

I am so lost, I don't know what to do anymore.

:Thinkingo

:titanic

I stay for all of the previous reasons mentioned
 

Love, fear, hope...all of them. And shame. Shame in being divorced. Shame in putting up with it all for as long as I have.
My husband checked into rehab on August 2nd. He stayed for 15 days. Those were the most relaxing 2 weeks I have had in years. There was no worry about him spending our money, wrecking his car, being in jail, being dead, etc. Today was his 30 day sobriety and he went to a fantasy football draft with some "old buddies." Buddies who promised to help him be strong and not drink b/c they were so proud of him. He drank. I am so upset. We have a 3 month old baby and a 5 year old. A 5 year old that wasn't in the least bit upset while his daddy was gone b/c it was so peaceful. He drank and didn't even admit that it was wrong. And he lied to me and to his sponsor about it. He only admitted it to me after I busted him with an itemized ticket from the place. I new it before then. I could tell by the sound in his voice on the cell phone. I new if for SURE when he walked in the door. Where do I go now? What do I do? It would be one thing if he were to say that he messed up and actually feel remorse, but he feels none. He lied to me even after I busted him. It would be one thing if he ordered a beer, drank a little of it, and then realized he was wrong. But he didn't. He drank 5 beers and a shot. I am so lost.

My main reasons for staying was fear of failure. Failing to have a good marriage and family. As long as I kept it all hidden, I didn't have to face it and therefore I didn't fail. I guess letting everyone else find out and the shame is a big part too. I also happen to love my husband and have faith that I made the right decision. Jalacola, I feel for you right now. It was almost 4 years ago that my husband had his last DUI. (3rd one since I met him 19 years ago) This is when he started AA. I had also threatened to leave (as I had many times). This time I had saved money for a mortgage and he knew that I was either going to build a house with him or leave. I am thankful that he chose AA. If your hubby continues to follow the program maybe the 5 beers and a shot could be considered a slip? I don't know. He may be so filled with guilt and that is the reason for not telling you??? Again I don't know. Right now, my insurance is coming due again. And yes it is still high because of his DUI. This is the last year and then it comes off his record. I have to think of this because every year, even though he is not drinking and in the program, I still get very angry that he has caused us so much money. It is really hard to let it go when it cost so much. But I still try. I guess I still have this hope and faith thing going. Hang in there.

I feel like I have a bad case of the stupids and that is the only reason I let him stay....

i too echo all of the reasons above, but some days i ask myself that question and i really don't have an answer. i'm new to the recovery game so maybe if i ask myself that question in 6 months it will be different or i won't have those days when i don't have an answer.

i long to work to a point in recovery that many at this site have achieved. i shall persevere!!

cwohio

I have stayed because I felt sorry for him and felt guilty about leaving. Also, there wasn't any "me" anymore. I was just as wrapped up in his addiction as he was.

The bigger light bulb went off when I started to consider why he stayed with me.

Obviously, he wasn't staying because he wanted a close, caring relationship. He wasn't staying for sex. He wasn't staying because he wanted someone to share his life and his feelings with. Once I figured out why he was staying with me, things became a lot clearer.
L

all of the above........and self esteem issues thinking I cant do any better......

Wow Lorelai, that really gives me something to think about. I wonder why he stays with me...

I stay b/c of hope. I used to stay out of fear of being alone, but I no longer have that fear. I used to stay b/c my mom stayed with my dad and I figured that's what a wife is supposed to do. I no longer have those delusions.

Basically, I'm just staying married a day at a time. I guess I haven't hit my bottom yet...

Up until a few months ago I was only staying for financial reasons and had planned to get a job and leave next year when my youngest child is in school. Now I am staying because my husband is going to AA and is finally willing to face his problem (I've been working on my problems for the last few years in counseling and al-anon) and is willing to work on our marriage. This is the first time that he has EVER admitted to being an alcoholic. He used to refuse to set foot in an AA meeting or a counselor's office, but now has changed his tune. I am hopeful and supportive. But regardless of what happens, I am still getting a job next year so I am not trapped in the same situation again (we had agreed that I would be a stay-at-home mom, but when your married to an alcoholic, things just don't seem to work out quite the way you agreed upon in the beginning). He was almost killed in a car accident in late spring because of his drinking, so I hope that that was a wake up call. But if he returns to his old way of life, I'll have to take the kids and leave because I really don't want to see (or want my kids to see) my husband rot away or die on the highway because of his drinking.

blondie - glad to hear your situation has improved - good luck to you and your family in your recoveries!

cwohio

I stayed because I always thought if I could just make everything in our lives perfect he would not want to drink or smoke pot anymore because everything was perfect and we had our happy lives. "Perfect" isn't even possible. But I sure tried...this last year i kind of relaxed that and just let things fall where they may...he did his thing...I did mine which as mostly stay home with my son and the dogs. I took care of everything and he played. Until he almost brought a woman home to my bed.....after a very drunk night.

I reflected and found that he had been happier ...doing his own thing...drinking and smoking more..playing out all the time and i was miserable and alone. I am leaving...now he is "sad" drinking and smoking even more...I just gave him another excuse...but its not my fault and nothing I can do about it because he doesn't feel he has a problem....and I can only help myself.

Hey skyleh,
Welcome. We have all had to "hit bottom" to realize that we are powerless over alcoholism and addiction. Stick around. There are some great people here who are dealing with the effects of alcoholism on them and their families. You don't have to go through it alone. I am glad that you joined us. Hugs, Magic

I stay because there is more good than bad. Now mind you I have been at this a while and when things were awful all I could see was awful and my instinct was to run. Somewhere deep down tho I knew I would be taking me with me. You see I was already divorced once from one alcoholic...what would stop me from getting together with another one? So I stayed and went to Al Anon.

After a time I got that same flash that Lorelai got..."why was he staying with me?" I had been horrible! So I stayed some more, went to Al Anon some more and worked on me some more. Someone at a meeting said that I could be married "one day at a time" and I got another flash! I didn't have to decide today and I could change my mind tomorrow if I wanted. That took the pressure of having to make a decision off. So I am still here, still married and still recovering.

So I guess I stay because, for me, the good outweighs the bad...one day at a time. If it didn't I wouldn't be here.

Hugs,
JT

I realized one day that I stayed in this relationship to punish myself for not being a better mother, daughter, friend, wife. The pain of the relationship kept me from having to look within myself, from acknowledging my own shortcomings, and from forgiving and accepting myself for the wonderful (not perfect) person that I am. But I don't want to play the victim anymore. I want to celebrate my life and the lessons I have learned.

I don't know if I will stay in this relationship forever or not. It has been part of my journey. I feel thankful and blessed because of the people who have been in my life. Maybe the role that my AH has played in my life is over and I will be able to move on to the level. Maybe he will be here for sometime to come and we can grow together to fulfill our purpose on life. Waiting for the answers....listening to my inner voice, my HP...your will be done, not mine.