Why do you really stay?

Old 09-02-2004, 06:24 PM
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I didn't stay. Or rather, he didn't stay. But we kept trying again. Why did I keep trying again? Because he's a part of me. Because we belong like my toes belong with my foot. Because it's very hard to let go of the idea of your feet having toes if you've had toes. After all a foot works better with toes if they're healthy toes. And a foot even works better with sore toes than it does with absent toes. When the toes are broken however, they can paralyze a foot. But I hate the idea of amputation. Couldn't we see if those toes could heal? Couldn't we wait? Won't we know if it's gangrene in time to save the foot? Because if it's not, it would just be a shame.

Hope.
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Old 09-02-2004, 06:27 PM
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I stayed because of all the reasons listed here. I stayed because I loved him from the first time I saw him. I stayed because I knew the loving, considerate, supportive man who was my best friend before I knew the addict. I stayed because I believe in my marriage vows "for better or worse in sickness and in health". I stayed because of hope. I kept hoping the man who was my best friend would come back. In the end my staying didn't make any difference. When things reached the point of being dangerous for my kids and myself and I had to tell him to leave until he got some help. He left and decided another woman who supported his addiction was more important than his family. My staying made no difference at all.

But silly me I have still not lost the Hope.
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Old 09-02-2004, 06:50 PM
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It's not silly....it's.....beautiful and noble!
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Old 09-02-2004, 06:57 PM
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I wish that the answer to that question, for me, could be answered so easily. I know fear plays a part, but I think in my situation there is so much more than that. My wife is an SA I am the codependant A. Everything I hear from everybody around me is RUN SCREAMING but yet I stay. I feel like what Splendra said was pretty close to the truth. Is this truly as good as it gets. I quess I would agree with others that say hope is what keeps them around. Hope that one day things will change, that one day things will be better, one day that we'll be able to look back and have a good laugh about all the heartache and misery that was caused. Hope? I think this was one of the better Posts I have read, because I feel like no matter why you come to this site, that this post can and will minister to us all. Thank you.

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Old 09-02-2004, 08:17 PM
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.."why was he staying with me?"
Oh yeah there is that too...before I decided to leave for a couple of years now I have felt the only reason he wanted me to stay and he stayed is because of our son. ONe time after visiting my parents where he was up all night pucking in their house...we fought and he said fine thats it we're done...he changed his mind and said that he could not stand to be away from our son....That was 2 1/2 years ago....I guess that has always been in the back of my head.

The other reason I thought he stayed was to keep this image of what we are...without my son and I he might be exposed....right now he is respected and looked up to...the life of the party per say.....and our home was the perfect image of what dreams are....until you walked through that door ...it was a big fake.....

I still think those are the truth....but what I know is I can not make things perfect enough for him to stop so I need to find my own happiness.

thanks for listening.
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Old 09-02-2004, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Magichappens
Hey skyleh,
Welcome. We have all had to "hit bottom" to realize that we are powerless over alcoholism and addiction. Stick around. There are some great people here who are dealing with the effects of alcoholism on them and their families. You don't have to go through it alone. I am glad that you joined us. Hugs, Magic
Thanks Magic...I don't think I have ever been so open in my life...exposed so much of myself as I have in the past few months...it still feels weird and i am still afraid I will be rejected...but now I don't let that fear stop my from doing what I want and what I believe in...What I know to be right...I am ready to be Me again...instead of D's wife I am gong to be me again.
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Old 09-02-2004, 09:49 PM
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I like JT's idea of being married "one day at a time"! I stay for the same reasons as everyone else; hope, fear, love. There are days when I want and plan to leave, but I stay because most days I am content with my situation. I too think of my vows - in sickness and in health. I think of all the good times. I think of all the good times yet to come!

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Old 09-02-2004, 11:26 PM
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I am new at working on my recovery of being an enabler. This is hard for me since I haven't been honest with myself often. I stay with him because of hope, I'm a perpetual optimist, I stay out of fear that I will be alone, I stay because he is a good provider financialy, I stay because we have had our few good times. Not great, but good. I stay because my daughter who is Bipolar and 15 is just now stable and I don't want to disrupt her life anymore than what she has been through.

I also stay for another reason, one I feel embaressed about...I stay because I PITY HIM, I'M AFRAID HE WILL NOT MAKE IT WITHOUT ME BECAUSE he has been so emotionally dependant on me and I have enabled him to be so. Also, I left him once 13 years ago and he could hardly function and I am fearful for his well being. Gosh, it feels good to be completely honest with someone. I really do pity him and feel sorry for him. Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-03-2004, 06:18 AM
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I remember telling my H, before alcohol became such a big part of lives, "What would you do without me?" We would laugh about it and he would say "You're right. I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for you."

The point is, I was proud of that. I was proud that someone else depended on me so much and that I such control over everything. I was proud that I was the "good" one who solved all the problems and he was the "needy" one who couldn't function without me. This was a guarantee that he'd never leave me.

I realized that was not a healthy way to feel. There are no guarantees. My role in other people's lives is to encourage them to fly - not keep them under my wing.

I often wonder how much my "taking care" of him contributed to the fact that he feels unable to live his own life and make his own choices now.
L
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Old 09-03-2004, 06:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Lorelai
The point is, I was proud of that. I was proud that someone else depended on me so much and that I such control over everything. I was proud that I was the "good" one who solved all the problems and he was the "needy" one who couldn't function without me. This was a guarantee that he'd never leave me.
I resemble that comment.

Not only was I proud of it, I was relieved b/c I wanted the guarantee that he wouldn't leave, and I thought that's what made me a valuable partner - being such a supportive, strong wife. I never considered or realized that it was much better and much healthier to be in a relationship where two people weren't so needy and dependent on the other person...
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Old 09-03-2004, 07:56 AM
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I have divorced and remarried the same A. I have asked myself many times why I let him come back. One thing is that I feel sorry for him and the other is fear of starting over again and living alone for the rest of my life. I also keep hoping that one day he will decide to get help. But here lately my hope is running out, his drinking is getting worse. What I don't understand is why he blames me for his drinking binges... he tells me when he is drunk that he is not happy with me and I tell him he can leave anytime drunk or sober. The day after a binge, he is usually very remorseful and I am the best thing around. I feel like its a game to him, but one thing is I don't want to participate.... I guess I am getting tired and bored.....
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Old 09-03-2004, 08:36 AM
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I stay because I fell in love with him the first time I ever saw him. I cannot help who I fell in love with. He is kind, caring and gentle. He give me strength where I have none and I give him his.

I thank God everyday for his 1 year of sobriety and for our continuing recovery. Why I stay, I am simply very much in love with him.

Through his disease, it has made me realize my own disease of co-dependency. Perhaps we needed each other to discovery our issues.
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Old 09-03-2004, 08:47 AM
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Originally Posted by ASpouse
Through his disease, it has made me realize my own disease of co-dependency.
This may not be why I stay, but it's certainly why I will never regret having my husband in my life. His disease led me to my own ecovery, after years of floundering, being unhappy, and not loving myself but not knowing why.
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Old 09-03-2004, 10:01 AM
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Wow what a post. Today I stay because the good out weighs the bad. Some days that is not true. I stay because we have been honest with each other - completely honest - and I have never had that with anyone else. Because he thinks I am beautiful, smart, and he desires me(this after 22yrs). Because he is the father of my children - he was there for their birth and everything in between. Because he makes me laugh - at myself. Because he wraps me in that big bear hug and I feel cared for and safe. Because he is passionate about life.

Why does he stay? I think for all the asme reasons. It was sobering for me the first time I realized that he too thought seriously about leaving me. I think we are both doing it one day at a time.

I do think there is hope. Our relationship is better than two years ago. Less fighting, less bitterness - thanks to Alanon. So I do have hope. And yes, I too have a respect for my marriage commitment. This has been great. thanks
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Old 09-03-2004, 10:34 AM
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Today I was feeling very frightened, since I have not been to Al-anon meetings yet to get evern more support for my enabling. However, reading the post this morning has helped me so much. I have such a long, long way to go..I tried, or rather I did remain calm when my husband told me today that after his knee surgery he was not going to any #$%^$# PT for his knee. I was worried and concerned for him, because he is in the martial arts, however, for the first time in our married life (22 years). I did not push, threaten, coerce, bribe, beg or belittle him for not taking charge of his own wellness. I feel very empty and frightened. I feel like I'm not being a good wife, I simply said you might not get full mobility of your leg if you don't have PT. I said, however, it's up to you. He did not tell me to call for him to back out. Which is good because I was not going to come to his rescue to back out. However, right now I don't know whats right and wrong. I feel like I'm not a good wife for pushing him to go to PT. I did however, mention I thought it was in his best interest and then didn't say more. Oh my gosh right now I feel so bad as a wife.

Lorilai's post about feeling proud and that "what would the H do without her" really hit home for me. Up until a few days ago I would say that all the time. Also, I would say no one else would put up with you. I know I degraded him and belittled him. I made him relay on me and like she said I was proud that he did. What a sick proud I was and am. Geez...I'm frightened! What would I do it I had not find this site. I know I'm not alone.

All of these post are keeping me going toward recovery, but it seems unnatural and uncomfortable right now. I really need to find a local Al-anon meeting.
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Old 09-03-2004, 10:35 AM
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sounds like most of us are having the same feelings. hope! i guess that's really my feelings too and finally learning about myself and recovery - whew - whoda thunk it!
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Old 09-03-2004, 12:58 PM
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WILDFLOWER...HI
You did exactally the right thing, to not push, leave it to him.
I know it is hard to change old ways, so extremely hard. In my personal opinion I feel deep down men need to feel in controll. You gave him a gift, it probably boasted his self esteem that you left the decesion up to him. ( Just for instance wouldn't I feel wonderfull if mine said, to me, "you know best about that" even if I didn't know BEANS it would feel good to hear it. (probly never happen with an A) Nice dream anyway.
Just a thought Hopeing the VERY BEST for YOU BOTH clancy46
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Old 09-03-2004, 03:51 PM
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Clany46,
Wow, you put a new spin on that for me. After 53 years of living I never stopped to think how someone would feel if I said "You know best about that". Your support means so much. Yes, I will add that to my new way of thinking. Thanks
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Old 09-11-2004, 09:35 AM
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When you ask why I stay....

I have to say that I stay because I love this man. I love him like God meant for every man and woman to be in love. The first time we kissed it was a simple kiss but there was something scary, something that almost brought tears to both of our eyes, literally. I never believed in soul mate maybe it's a silly childish word but God wants me to be with this man. I truly believe that. I truly believe that we were meant to be. It sounds a bit funny but our love is so pure, so deep, and so passionate down to they way we catch each other looking at the other one from accross the room. He is my safe place. He is a long lost part of me that I looked for forever. That feeling of magical love that you always hoped and dreamed about but felt like in the "real" world there is no such thing. I truly belive that as many times as I have tried to leave or kick him out. It used to be every week end. That, that something that kept letting him back in wasn't my chioce, but a much higher being. That someone else was in control of my life. I don't kick him out anymore. I try not to fight anymore. Lately I have tried to understand what I am really supposed to be doing. My mother gave me the best advice. ( she loves him to death and some how Encourages me to stay by his side like I vowed to do) ( neither of my parents drink or have ever really drank at all) She told me to stop trying to CONTROL him. Let him make his mistakes, Let him dissapoint himself, Let him make his own choices and he will see on his own what he truly wants. Try to act like I don't care what he does and plan my own things to do alone. HE WILL COME AROUND. I stay because I love this man. I am supposed to be here. Maybe God is teaching me something through this. Maybe this was the only way I would have ever seen that" I" needed to change. We are all here for a reason. We all have lessons to be taught. I believe we have to stay or go by only what is in our hearts that is the true path.
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Old 09-11-2004, 05:09 PM
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I don't "pity" my husband at all.
I feel pretty angry right now.
I recently had a "vision"
that if our (me and my husband's...
relationship was the earth,
then every time he drinks he is
like a big corporate entity dumping
gasoline on all the trees and igniting
them!
Which, in a way, IS what he's doing
because he is killing what I love.
(Which of course is him...)
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