FindingMe2

My STBXAH has been clean and sober for a few months now. I hear a humble man full of regrets. When I tell him how much he hurt and disappointed me, he says "you know that wasn't me, that's not who I am. Sweetheart, my brain was very sick . Please try to understand and forgive me".

While I really have no anger any more and I really have come to accept what is..is, and what was...was, I still would never get back with him. I would never take that gamble again. The trust is gone!!

I have worked hard to rebuild my life and although I still have a long ways to go, I can say with a 100% certainly, I am loving my independence. Everything I feared was just fear. When I stopped giving into my fears, and trusted God, my life started to move forward.

But here is the problem, he has no one anymore and it really makes me sad. When he pleads for another chance, to make amends, I can never say NO! I always give him false hope. I say when you get your life back together, we can talk about it then. But I know this is not what I want.
How awful of me!! Yet part of me believes his reasons for being such a jerk. I feel like it wasn't truly him, it was just the illness of addiction. Way to hold him accountable, huh??

What is wrong with me? Secretly, I don't think he will stay sober so I won't have to address it later. I will be off the hook. But why did I put myself there to begin with?

So many questions, so few answers. Please feel free to weigh in. I really need some feedback, thank you.

CodeJob

Good morning FindingMe2,

Saying No is a tough thing because you are stating a boundary or a need about you. It is a bit advanced work to say no. It might feel 'wrong' to put your own needs and emotions first in your consideration.

But you could say to him, 'I need to be clear with you that my trust in our relationship is too eroded to continue.' There is no 'no' in that sentence. But then you need to back it up with your actions. You need to let him go and truly move into your new life rather than keep him on the sidelines.

His sobriety is not your responsibility.

SparkleKitty

Look at it this way, by holding off on being clear and telling him no you are keeping him hooked into the fantasy of a reunion. Until you let go he will not be able to find someone else, if that is what he wants to do. And part of you will remain hooked into the past as well.

LexieCat

It's very possible to forgive someone and allow them to make amends and still not want to continue the relationship. Two different animals.

If there's nothing he can do that WOULD repair the damage, you can tell him thanks, but I don't want anything from you. You can wish him well and go your own way. If he's working his program, what's important is the sincere offer of amends, not that the other person accept them.

He has people in his program and will continue to make many other new good friends if he stays on his path. That's his journey. But it isn't fair for you to allow him to continue to hope to have a future with you if that isn't what you want.

So be kind, but be honest.

hopeful4

There comes a time that the trust is completely gone and nothing is going to get that trust back, and that is OK. You are moving on with your life and finding happiness. Staying with him out of guilt or obligation would only be holding him back. He has to find his own way now, that is part of recovery. He needs to gain the trust of those around him. That may mean meeting new people he does not have a past with. That's ok too.

Set him free and let him choose his own path.

XXX

FireSprite

I agree that it's kinder to be honest & not lead him on with false hope.

Remember that you are ALLOWED to change your mind! Just because you said/felt something early on in this process doesn't mean that you are stuck with it forever. Just as he will "change" in the process of working an honest recovery, so will you.

Cutting myself some slack & accepting change in myself was one of the best things I have done for Me because it truly translates to accepting myself.

FindingMe2

Thank you all for giving me some well needed words of wisdom,

We currently live 1500 miles apart so there has been no physical contact. I have told him several times that I am happy with my new life. He keeps pleading with me for just a chance. Maybe there is still a part of me that feels obligated and responsible for his sobriety? Something I need to think about and address!

Thank you!!

LexieCat

I think a big part of the reason I married my first husband was because I felt "responsible" for his sobriety (35 years later he's still sober, BTW). It really wasn't fair to either one of us. He's a great guy (we're still good friends) and have great kids, but I think we both might have been better off if I'd been completely honest with both of us.