Pia

to stay gone is I never felt save with my AH. And what I mean by that is I never felt he would try and protect me. I always had a weird feeling when going out in public. I don't know why I ignored that feeling.

Lilro

It's funny, the things we feel but tend to ignore. I think space apart gives us time to reflect back and think "what??"

Wisconsin

((HUGS)) Radiant.

One of the things that led me to leave my first husband, who was NOT an A, was my realization that every hour of the day, every day of the week, he would side with his parents over me, no matter what. And I was just not cool with that.

With my AH, he is a very confrontational person...I have no doubt that if he needed to, he would defend me, my daughters, and our son. But being willing to protect PHYSICALLY is also not enough for me.

Funny how hard it seems to be to find someone who will have your back physically and emotionally...

Liveitwell

I felt safe with my then husband-he was very strong and capable. I knew he would protect me/us. However, when he was drunk and angry I was sometimes the target...so I was not safe any longer. Or when drunk it made the situation so much worse and scarier that he no longer made me felt safe bc I was afraid of him. Sad. There was so much good in him/us and knowing he would go after someone if they tried to hurt me, it was a good thing. Of course that didn't extend to emotional or verbal abuse/attacks. While separated he actually requested his entire family to come up with things about me to use in court all the while telling me to stop talking badly (truthfully) about his family. You can see where his loyalties always were. Anyway, my two cents

Tansy

I never felt safe. I doubt I ever will again.

Kboys

Hmm..
Similar to the other posters, I've always felt safe with AH physically, I know he would defend me and the kids from harm. One of the things I always have respected and appreciated about him is his alertness / awareness of surroundings, and his ability to think quickly and not panic.... of course, not so much when he's stupid drunk...
Funny though, the only person I've ever actually needed physical protection from is him...

I used to also feel safe emotionally with him, which was one of the things that made me fall in love so quickly with him.

But that feeling is long gone, sadly.

Liveitwell

^^^^ this!!!! Exactly the way I feel.

Pia

I didn't know at the time but he was lying and talking bad about me to his family. They would say hurtful things I would hear about. He comes from a family of drugs/alcohol on both sides they should of known he was lying that all they do.
I now recall today some of the times he allowed all the nippy ugly things just bc I wouldn't drink or do drugs and he did nothing. He is 36 years old but looks and acts like a 15 year old now. Gosh I can't believe how many arguments we would have and he would denie everything.
Gosh I was chaotic for sure.

Liveitwell

So was I!!! ^^^ I was a crazy anxious loon for a while...I did t know up from down with all the lies he told me. My ex also played me against his family. I never once told him he had to choose, or insinuated that. But his family sure as hell did. (He comes from very alcoholic dysfunctional family as well). Oh well-his problem, not mine anymore. Thank God!

Pia

" Oh well-his problem, not mine anymore." I love this , I say this too. ha ha.

Liveitwell

Well, let's just call a spade a spade. My ex let his mom and sister say and do whatever they wanted to me-no matter how disgusting, evil or just plain mean. He said they were allowed to bc they were his family. And of course the icing on the cake, him: I can't say anything to them-they're my mom and sister-what am I supposed to do?! Hmmm, guess I missed that memo when he gave me that ring on our wedding day. Lies, demons and addictions: ingredients in killing a marriage.

I stopped feeling safe with him years ago.

Pia

Goodness I think were related lol.
I went through the exact same thing. And if they said to come visit them he would jump every single weekend. IF I said anything he would say " that is why my family says you are trying to keep me away from them" WTH

I'm glad he is gone, I am writing my recipe for a new future.

Pia

You know when I was telling him to leave . He wasn't crying asking for forgiveness etc. His response was "So you don't want to go to the coast with my family." All I could do at that point was laugh because his priority is so screwed up.

Liveitwell

I too have had many laughs-in a very sad way. Sometines I find myself laughing at things that are not funny at all-but it's all I can do when faced with crazy! These guys are just messed up kids-latched on to the boob afraid to grow up. Woe is me...I can't diss appoint my mother. Bleh. I wish I had a counter for how many times I told my then AH: grow up, you're scaring me and honey, you need some help. And then I got made fun of for being scared. God removed him from our lives with purpose-I dare not question Him.

Wisconsin

I have found that in some ways, it actually gets easier the worse they get. They more ridiculous and absurd the statements, the easier it is to just shake your head and walk away.

hexx

Wisconsin -- I felt that same way! It was like, "oh look, it's this rant again" or some of the things were just so absurd that you know they were full of it. I could almost, verbatim, tell what he was going to say or do next because it was always the same. After awhile, all of the name calling just doesn't hurt anymore and the words became easier to ignore. That was actually when I knew I was done...when I stopped caring what he said about me (the increasing physical attacks just kind of sealed the deal).

Pia

Goodness I thought the same thing. Wow how close experiences are.