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My friend, my AH's relapse started when our now-5 year old son was a baby. I had the same feelings you did for the first couple of years. As my AH struggled in other areas, he remained a great father. But as the years have gone by, he is less and less engaged with our son. He loses his temper much more easily. I can no longer use his "good heart" as an excuse.
I hope that your husband is able to right his own ship before it's too late.
I hope that your husband is able to right his own ship before it's too late.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Nyina.....I don't think you are in Complete denial....you know there is a problem, and you are worried about how it is affecting your behavior and about the effect on the children. You are worried about it enough that you have come to us for help(good for you)....and you have had discussions with him about it. And, I applaud you for not just "running away" when we have given you the straight truth about this disease.
I also think you are pretty much like the general population when it comes to knowing about this disease. Don't feel bad---I am in the medical field myself and I can tell you that unless a person has had a need to know---like having to deal with it in their personal life or by special education---much of what they think about alcoholism is myth and old wive's tales. That incudes many doctors and therapists---unless they have had specialized education and training. Now, medical doctors are good with the physical symptoms--once they have progressed far enough to recognize.
***I do think it is important to note that the rules about relationships that we l earned growing up---are turnened topsy-turvey by addictions. Alcoholism can, bit by bit, take over a persons thinking, judgements, moral behavior, and health.
I think, rather than in denial--- you are very uninformed and very, very afraid at this point. Not surprising, though. This is not surprising and nothing to be ashamed of. The majority of the people on this forum , I suspect, would tell you that they were like you at some point in their experience.
I'll bet that you are terrified that you might lose your marriage .....or the white picket fence dreams that you have dreamed of. No one could blame you.
But, if alcoholism is allowed to continue it's natural course....it will eat at the family from the inside and turn the relationship into something that you don't recognize.
People have poured their stories out to you....because I think that we see you at the point where you can take actions to spare you, your children, and, possibly your husband the pain and grief that so many of us have lived through.
for example, you called your husband in the "early stage of alcoholism".....from what you have told us, I believe that it is further progressed than that.
Now--you have a precious window of time...and the chance to get really educated about this disease and learn about yourself as well. You can prepare yourself for what may come down the pike. You can form a support system for yourself...with the guidence of others who understand (more than just words) and care.
Please...Please...keep reading and keep posting here. I say to start really educating yourself.... Read everything you can. Become an "expert" on what you need to know about what you are dealing with.
Start with the "stickies"--the threads that are at the top of the forum page. They will give you a "boot camp" education on alcoholism.
Get and read "Co-dependent No More"....it is a classic reading in these parts. I think you will appreciate that book very much.
Start going to alanon...and, just sit and listen. Just for you....it will help you cope.
Continue to read other peoples stories, here....there are literally thousands of real l ife stories of other people's experiences.....these are not novels..lol! They are real life.
You are not the first person to be in this situation....and please know that you are not alone! You are among frifends, here.
sincerely.
dandylion
I also think you are pretty much like the general population when it comes to knowing about this disease. Don't feel bad---I am in the medical field myself and I can tell you that unless a person has had a need to know---like having to deal with it in their personal life or by special education---much of what they think about alcoholism is myth and old wive's tales. That incudes many doctors and therapists---unless they have had specialized education and training. Now, medical doctors are good with the physical symptoms--once they have progressed far enough to recognize.
***I do think it is important to note that the rules about relationships that we l earned growing up---are turnened topsy-turvey by addictions. Alcoholism can, bit by bit, take over a persons thinking, judgements, moral behavior, and health.
I think, rather than in denial--- you are very uninformed and very, very afraid at this point. Not surprising, though. This is not surprising and nothing to be ashamed of. The majority of the people on this forum , I suspect, would tell you that they were like you at some point in their experience.
I'll bet that you are terrified that you might lose your marriage .....or the white picket fence dreams that you have dreamed of. No one could blame you.
But, if alcoholism is allowed to continue it's natural course....it will eat at the family from the inside and turn the relationship into something that you don't recognize.
People have poured their stories out to you....because I think that we see you at the point where you can take actions to spare you, your children, and, possibly your husband the pain and grief that so many of us have lived through.
for example, you called your husband in the "early stage of alcoholism".....from what you have told us, I believe that it is further progressed than that.
Now--you have a precious window of time...and the chance to get really educated about this disease and learn about yourself as well. You can prepare yourself for what may come down the pike. You can form a support system for yourself...with the guidence of others who understand (more than just words) and care.
Please...Please...keep reading and keep posting here. I say to start really educating yourself.... Read everything you can. Become an "expert" on what you need to know about what you are dealing with.
Start with the "stickies"--the threads that are at the top of the forum page. They will give you a "boot camp" education on alcoholism.
Get and read "Co-dependent No More"....it is a classic reading in these parts. I think you will appreciate that book very much.
Start going to alanon...and, just sit and listen. Just for you....it will help you cope.
Continue to read other peoples stories, here....there are literally thousands of real l ife stories of other people's experiences.....these are not novels..lol! They are real life.
You are not the first person to be in this situation....and please know that you are not alone! You are among frifends, here.
sincerely.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Nyina.....I don't think you are in Complete denial....you know there is a problem, and you are worried about how it is affecting your behavior and about the effect on the children. You are worried about it enough that you have come to us for help(good for you)....and you have had discussions with him about it. And, I applaud you for not just "running away" when we have given you the straight truth about this disease.
I also think you are pretty much like the general population when it comes to knowing about this disease. Don't feel bad---I am in the medical field myself and I can tell you that unless a person has had a need to know---like having to deal with it in their personal life or by special education---much of what they think about alcoholism is myth and old wive's tales. That incudes many doctors and therapists---unless they have had specialized education and training. Now, medical doctors are good with the physical symptoms--once they have progressed far enough to recognize.
***I do think it is important to note that the rules about relationships that we l earned growing up---are turnened topsy-turvey by addictions. Alcoholism can, bit by bit, take over a persons thinking, judgements, moral behavior, and health.
I think, rather than in denial--- you are very uninformed and very, very afraid at this point. Not surprising, though. This is not surprising and nothing to be ashamed of. The majority of the people on this forum , I suspect, would tell you that they were like you at some point in their experience.
I'll bet that you are terrified that you might lose your marriage .....or the white picket fence dreams that you have dreamed of. No one could blame you.
But, if alcoholism is allowed to continue it's natural course....it will eat at the family from the inside and turn the relationship into something that you don't recognize.
People have poured their stories out to you....because I think that we see you at the point where you can take actions to spare you, your children, and, possibly your husband the pain and grief that so many of us have lived through.
for example, you called your husband in the "early stage of alcoholism".....from what you have told us, I believe that it is further progressed than that.
Now--you have a precious window of time...and the chance to get really educated about this disease and learn about yourself as well. You can prepare yourself for what may come down the pike. You can form a support system for yourself...with the guidence of others who understand (more than just words) and care.
Please...Please...keep reading and keep posting here. I say to start really educating yourself.... Read everything you can. Become an "expert" on what you need to know about what you are dealing with.
Start with the "stickies"--the threads that are at the top of the forum page. They will give you a "boot camp" education on alcoholism.
Get and read "Co-dependent No More"....it is a classic reading in these parts. I think you will appreciate that book very much.
Start going to alanon...and, just sit and listen. Just for you....it will help you cope.
Continue to read other peoples stories, here....there are literally thousands of real l ife stories of other people's experiences.....these are not novels..lol! They are real life.
You are not the first person to be in this situation....and please know that you are not alone! You are among frifends, here.
sincerely.
dandylion
I also think you are pretty much like the general population when it comes to knowing about this disease. Don't feel bad---I am in the medical field myself and I can tell you that unless a person has had a need to know---like having to deal with it in their personal life or by special education---much of what they think about alcoholism is myth and old wive's tales. That incudes many doctors and therapists---unless they have had specialized education and training. Now, medical doctors are good with the physical symptoms--once they have progressed far enough to recognize.
***I do think it is important to note that the rules about relationships that we l earned growing up---are turnened topsy-turvey by addictions. Alcoholism can, bit by bit, take over a persons thinking, judgements, moral behavior, and health.
I think, rather than in denial--- you are very uninformed and very, very afraid at this point. Not surprising, though. This is not surprising and nothing to be ashamed of. The majority of the people on this forum , I suspect, would tell you that they were like you at some point in their experience.
I'll bet that you are terrified that you might lose your marriage .....or the white picket fence dreams that you have dreamed of. No one could blame you.
But, if alcoholism is allowed to continue it's natural course....it will eat at the family from the inside and turn the relationship into something that you don't recognize.
People have poured their stories out to you....because I think that we see you at the point where you can take actions to spare you, your children, and, possibly your husband the pain and grief that so many of us have lived through.
for example, you called your husband in the "early stage of alcoholism".....from what you have told us, I believe that it is further progressed than that.
Now--you have a precious window of time...and the chance to get really educated about this disease and learn about yourself as well. You can prepare yourself for what may come down the pike. You can form a support system for yourself...with the guidence of others who understand (more than just words) and care.
Please...Please...keep reading and keep posting here. I say to start really educating yourself.... Read everything you can. Become an "expert" on what you need to know about what you are dealing with.
Start with the "stickies"--the threads that are at the top of the forum page. They will give you a "boot camp" education on alcoholism.
Get and read "Co-dependent No More"....it is a classic reading in these parts. I think you will appreciate that book very much.
Start going to alanon...and, just sit and listen. Just for you....it will help you cope.
Continue to read other peoples stories, here....there are literally thousands of real l ife stories of other people's experiences.....these are not novels..lol! They are real life.
You are not the first person to be in this situation....and please know that you are not alone! You are among frifends, here.
sincerely.
dandylion
I attended an al anon meeting and did find it very helpful. In fact I came back feeling more positive than I have done in ages. However I can't regularly attend due to the timing of the meeting and having no childcare. I've also looked at craft/smart recovery and avrt/rational recovery. I'm trying to evaluate my boundaries but just don't know where to start. I feel so lost! This is a whole new world to me and one I am not enjoying.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am not sure of your faith walk, but you may try Celebrate Recovery which is a lot like Alanon however with a faith background. I say this b/c they saved me during a dark time, and they normally provide childcare, most of the time it's free.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I am not sure of your faith walk, but you may try Celebrate Recovery which is a lot like Alanon however with a faith background. I say this b/c they saved me during a dark time, and they normally provide childcare, most of the time it's free.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nyinabo.....believe me we all understand how difficult this time is for you. You are showing courage by facing reality--as painful and frightening as it is for you---rather than burying your head in the sand. Your whole family...including your husband will, ultimately, be better off for it.
It won't always feel this way....
Just keep facing forward...one day at a time...one baby step at a time....You ARE going to be o.k.
dandylion
dandylion
It won't always feel this way....
Just keep facing forward...one day at a time...one baby step at a time....You ARE going to be o.k.
dandylion
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 13
You sound like me, 2 years ago. You've recognised that he's an alcoholic though, whereas I was in denial for another 2 years until recently.
My ah has recently left me and our 2 boys (6&4) He reached rock bottom and has given up on our family but apparently is going to AA etc.
I wish I had acted before it got to this stage. Life was awful. He would start drinking at 3/4 pm on weekends and be too drunk to be any use with the children at bedtime etc. Weekdays he was drinking when he got in from work. Any quality time with him went as he was passed out on the sofa as soon as the kids were asleep. It's not just the drinking that escalates, its other things, alcoholic behaviour. Like blaming me for everything, not taking responsibility for mistakes, being actively cruel. This is not the good man I loved and married. He slowly disappeared.
Since he left, I haven't exactly coped. But the kids, they're great! They are far more settled, going to sleep better, not fighting so much, just more relaxed. The whole house is calmer. Alcoholism isnt like other marital issues that can be worked through. I'm sorry that this has happened as, like me and other spouses of an ah/w, you didn't choose it and certainly don't deserve it. It's not fair, but trying to carry on as normal doesn't work.
He needs to stop, now. Get him to read some of the stories on here. He needs a kick up the arse before he goes any further down this road. Big hugs, I know how you're feeling right now xx
My ah has recently left me and our 2 boys (6&4) He reached rock bottom and has given up on our family but apparently is going to AA etc.
I wish I had acted before it got to this stage. Life was awful. He would start drinking at 3/4 pm on weekends and be too drunk to be any use with the children at bedtime etc. Weekdays he was drinking when he got in from work. Any quality time with him went as he was passed out on the sofa as soon as the kids were asleep. It's not just the drinking that escalates, its other things, alcoholic behaviour. Like blaming me for everything, not taking responsibility for mistakes, being actively cruel. This is not the good man I loved and married. He slowly disappeared.
Since he left, I haven't exactly coped. But the kids, they're great! They are far more settled, going to sleep better, not fighting so much, just more relaxed. The whole house is calmer. Alcoholism isnt like other marital issues that can be worked through. I'm sorry that this has happened as, like me and other spouses of an ah/w, you didn't choose it and certainly don't deserve it. It's not fair, but trying to carry on as normal doesn't work.
He needs to stop, now. Get him to read some of the stories on here. He needs a kick up the arse before he goes any further down this road. Big hugs, I know how you're feeling right now xx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by emzyp
You sound like me, 2 years ago. You've recognised that he's an alcoholic though, whereas I was in denial for another 2 years until recently.
My ah has recently left me and our 2 boys (6&4) He reached rock bottom and has given up on our family but apparently is going to AA etc.
I wish I had acted before it got to this stage. Life was awful. He would start drinking at 3/4 pm on weekends and be too drunk to be any use with the children at bedtime etc. Weekdays he was drinking when he got in from work. Any quality time with him went as he was passed out on the sofa as soon as the kids were asleep. It's not just the drinking that escalates, its other things, alcoholic behaviour. Like blaming me for everything, not taking responsibility for mistakes, being actively cruel. This is not the good man I loved and married. He slowly disappeared.
Since he left, I haven't exactly coped. But the kids, they're great! They are far more settled, going to sleep better, not fighting so much, just more relaxed. The whole house is calmer. Alcoholism isnt like other marital issues that can be worked through. I'm sorry that this has happened as, like me and other spouses of an ah/w, you didn't choose it and certainly don't deserve it. It's not fair, but trying to carry on as normal doesn't work.
He needs to stop, now. Get him to read some of the stories on here. He needs a kick up the arse before he goes any further down this road. Big hugs, I know how you're feeling right now xx
My ah has recently left me and our 2 boys (6&4) He reached rock bottom and has given up on our family but apparently is going to AA etc.
I wish I had acted before it got to this stage. Life was awful. He would start drinking at 3/4 pm on weekends and be too drunk to be any use with the children at bedtime etc. Weekdays he was drinking when he got in from work. Any quality time with him went as he was passed out on the sofa as soon as the kids were asleep. It's not just the drinking that escalates, its other things, alcoholic behaviour. Like blaming me for everything, not taking responsibility for mistakes, being actively cruel. This is not the good man I loved and married. He slowly disappeared.
Since he left, I haven't exactly coped. But the kids, they're great! They are far more settled, going to sleep better, not fighting so much, just more relaxed. The whole house is calmer. Alcoholism isnt like other marital issues that can be worked through. I'm sorry that this has happened as, like me and other spouses of an ah/w, you didn't choose it and certainly don't deserve it. It's not fair, but trying to carry on as normal doesn't work.
He needs to stop, now. Get him to read some of the stories on here. He needs a kick up the arse before he goes any further down this road. Big hugs, I know how you're feeling right now xx
I just asked him to read through the stages of alcoholism with me and the effects of alcoholism on children/adult children. He laughed and asked me what reaction I was looking for. I told him that tonight is his last night of drinking. From tomorrow if there is any more drinking at all, in the house or out, then he no longer has a place in our family. I told him I would help him if he wanted and that I believe he can do it as I know how much he loves our children. He took it seriously. I think it was a real shock for him.
God give me the strength to follow through.
I have a plan in place for if he does drink. I will pack him a bag and drive him to his mum's house. I have no plan for after that. I feel terrified but strangely victorious. I know it was the right thing to do.
Thank you all for your advice. Please pray for my family.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Can you legally remove him from your home? Have you talked with a lawyer?
If he's on the deed/lease, chances are you can't, if he chooses not to go. And even if the deed/lease is in your name only, in many places you would have to file formal eviction proceedings if he chooses not to go.
I'd be very surprised if he were able to quit for good on the basis of an ultimatum thrown at him, so maybe you want to consult a legal professional about your rights/obligations if he doesn't stay quit.
If he's on the deed/lease, chances are you can't, if he chooses not to go. And even if the deed/lease is in your name only, in many places you would have to file formal eviction proceedings if he chooses not to go.
I'd be very surprised if he were able to quit for good on the basis of an ultimatum thrown at him, so maybe you want to consult a legal professional about your rights/obligations if he doesn't stay quit.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Can you legally remove him from your home? Have you talked with a lawyer? If he's on the deed/lease, chances are you can't, if he chooses not to go. And even if the deed/lease is in your name only, in many places you would have to file formal eviction proceedings if he chooses not to go. I'd be very surprised if he were able to quit for good on the basis of an ultimatum thrown at him, so maybe you want to consult a legal professional about your rights/obligations if he doesn't stay quit.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 13
It's not the ultimatum that'll change him. It's seeing that his wife is in so much distress that she has been lead to give it to him. He is in early stages, I think, so it might do the trick. Along with the other things needed to stay sober.
Well done, if anything its given you a sense of power over your situation. If he won't leave, tell him if you have to leave you will and then he will be displacing his children, its obvious he loves them so won't see that happen.
Well done, if anything its given you a sense of power over your situation. If he won't leave, tell him if you have to leave you will and then he will be displacing his children, its obvious he loves them so won't see that happen.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Nyinabo
I've just come in from work (it's 9pm here) and my husband is reading to our children in bed. He's sober, he struggles with reading
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Can you legally remove him from your home? Have you talked with a lawyer?
If he's on the deed/lease, chances are you can't, if he chooses not to go. And even if the deed/lease is in your name only, in many places you would have to file formal eviction proceedings if he chooses not to go.
I'd be very surprised if he were able to quit for good on the basis of an ultimatum thrown at him, so maybe you want to consult a legal professional about your rights/obligations if he doesn't stay quit.
If he's on the deed/lease, chances are you can't, if he chooses not to go. And even if the deed/lease is in your name only, in many places you would have to file formal eviction proceedings if he chooses not to go.
I'd be very surprised if he were able to quit for good on the basis of an ultimatum thrown at him, so maybe you want to consult a legal professional about your rights/obligations if he doesn't stay quit.
The reason I plan to take him to his mum's if he drinks is because I think she will support me and not let him do anything stupid. You never know though, I guess it could all change when the s**t hits the fan.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Well, if you can't afford a lawyer, it would be a good idea to research the landlord/tenant laws where you live. Even if his mom is on your "side," SHE can't force him to leave, either. You're both equally powerless to control his drinking.
See how things play out, but given that you have presented him with an ultimatum, it would be smart to figure out how you would enforce it, if it comes to that. Empty threats only show that you don't mean what you say.
See how things play out, but given that you have presented him with an ultimatum, it would be smart to figure out how you would enforce it, if it comes to that. Empty threats only show that you don't mean what you say.
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If (or probably when) it comes time to pack his bag, I hope he leaves willingly. I'm so glad you're out being active in finding support for YOU. He is the only one that can get his drinking crap figured out. Once he's out, and missing his family, I pray it's HIS rock bottom and he chooses to get help and get into a recovery program of his own. Stay strong!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Nyinabo, you've had great input from other posters. I'm still quite new and this is only my second post so I applaud you for getting stuck in and getting some great advice!
I spent the first 12 years of my life living with an alcoholic. I didn't know he was an alcoholic until age 26 I saw on his death certificate that the health problems he'd had for years were actually due to alcoholism, and were what killed him at 57 years old. I was a newly married 26 year old whose dad had just died, he'd been too ill to walk me up the aisle, and died so young .
I knew he drank a lot, he was always at the pub, yet never appeared to be drunk. I hadn't a clue he'd been an alcoholic.
This was nearly 30 years ago and it wasn't much talked about then, plus we didn't have the resources we do now for learning more about alcoholism and its effects on the alcoholic and his/her family and friends.
My dad wasn't a bad man, but he was an alcoholic. As a child in that house, I felt the need to be perfect (mentioned by another poster too), I felt inadequate, I knew things were not right at home even though they never had rows, and I knew that my mum was utterly miserable.
My mum left him when I was 12, we moved on to a much better life, but the damage was already done.
Point is, kids do know when something isn't right at home, they do pick up on it and for so many (all?) of us children of alcoholics the effects on us are long term. Apparently there's a greater chance for adult children of alcoholics to go on to marry an alcoholic, I did just that (and when I find the courage to post about, I'll eventually have my own thread!).
I hope that your ultimatum will work, for your sake and your children. It often takes something else though, at least in my experience. They usually have to hit absolute rock bottom and decide for themselves that they want to stop drinking.
However, he's possibly at such an early point in this that your ultimatum will be enough. I do hope so.
Sending very best wishes to you. I've found this site so helpful to read and learn, I hope you do too.
I spent the first 12 years of my life living with an alcoholic. I didn't know he was an alcoholic until age 26 I saw on his death certificate that the health problems he'd had for years were actually due to alcoholism, and were what killed him at 57 years old. I was a newly married 26 year old whose dad had just died, he'd been too ill to walk me up the aisle, and died so young .
I knew he drank a lot, he was always at the pub, yet never appeared to be drunk. I hadn't a clue he'd been an alcoholic.
This was nearly 30 years ago and it wasn't much talked about then, plus we didn't have the resources we do now for learning more about alcoholism and its effects on the alcoholic and his/her family and friends.
My dad wasn't a bad man, but he was an alcoholic. As a child in that house, I felt the need to be perfect (mentioned by another poster too), I felt inadequate, I knew things were not right at home even though they never had rows, and I knew that my mum was utterly miserable.
My mum left him when I was 12, we moved on to a much better life, but the damage was already done.
Point is, kids do know when something isn't right at home, they do pick up on it and for so many (all?) of us children of alcoholics the effects on us are long term. Apparently there's a greater chance for adult children of alcoholics to go on to marry an alcoholic, I did just that (and when I find the courage to post about, I'll eventually have my own thread!).
I hope that your ultimatum will work, for your sake and your children. It often takes something else though, at least in my experience. They usually have to hit absolute rock bottom and decide for themselves that they want to stop drinking.
However, he's possibly at such an early point in this that your ultimatum will be enough. I do hope so.
Sending very best wishes to you. I've found this site so helpful to read and learn, I hope you do too.
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Nyinabo.....be aware that he may go into with drawl symptoms within a few hours.
Withdrawl without medical attention can be very dangerous---in addition to being agonizing for the alcoholic.
A doctor can give him medication to get him through.....or take him to an ER where they can treat him, also, and, maybe admit him until he is out of the woods.
I know you want him to quit....but I am sure that you wouldn't want him to suffer needlessly....or go into DTs or withdrawl seizures, etc.
dandylion
Withdrawl without medical attention can be very dangerous---in addition to being agonizing for the alcoholic.
A doctor can give him medication to get him through.....or take him to an ER where they can treat him, also, and, maybe admit him until he is out of the woods.
I know you want him to quit....but I am sure that you wouldn't want him to suffer needlessly....or go into DTs or withdrawl seizures, etc.
dandylion
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