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Old 08-16-2015, 03:22 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Liz he sounds like a genuine great guy, go with it and enjoy your time with him. I get your anxieties when your apart but try and focus on his actions. I think, and I could be wrong, but what your feeling may be normal relationship dilemmas and insecurities and just because your feeling this way doesn't mean your being codie crazy!!!!

I would speak to him about the on line dating profile, this wouldn't make me feel too comfortable.

(((((Tight hugs)))))
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Old 08-16-2015, 03:52 PM
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And, so, I stop trusting my gut because it feels like my intuition is being torn between my codependent crazy side and the side of me that says, "Relax, more will be revealed. Take it one day a time and just enjoy what is good and what is really working well for right now.
This is big progress! I've learned not to trust "the voices", the codependent tape that runs in my head. I also double-check my thinking with a sponsor, who will point it out when I'm projecting or have expectations. It's a process and it gets easier over time. You've come a very long way! Keep doing what you're doing. One day at a time is so important in keeping the focus in now.
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Old 08-16-2015, 04:19 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
I think it is time to put yourself back in the center of your life.

Focus on what you need, who you are, how you feel.

You get to be what you want and need to be for yourself whether or not there is a man in your life.

Get your own center, plant your feet firmly where you need to be, and just enjoy this great guy, take it as it comes. You are future tripping big time, and right now there is caring and healing to be done in this relationship as it exists at this moment.

ShootingStar1
^^^this. Progress, not perfection.

Finding my core values and letting myself walk in those is a journey of discovery. Some days painful, some joyous.

So many details about him, the relationship, etc. Now how about what you're doing for yourself? I mean this in a very gentle way, to round out the conversation and get a bit of focus on other areas of your life. Maybe that can also help in sone way
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Old 08-16-2015, 04:26 PM
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And please find out about his mother ;-)
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Old 08-16-2015, 05:52 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
And please find out about his mother ;-)
LOL! His mother passed away 2 years ago. He had a great relationship with his parents. He said his mother was one of the most positive people he ever had in his life. He is the youngest of 5 children and he has a good relationship with all of them except the oldest brother who seems to have isolated himself from the family recently.

As to what I'm doing for myself. I told him that my friends and my kid come first.....and that's a fact! I have often turned down dates with him because I already had plans with a friend. My recovery and meetings come before dates, as well. I turned down Friday night dates often because I need to be at my meetings and he understands and is aware of why I go to meetings and what I get out of them.

I just got a pedicure and met a friend there for a while and tonight I have a scheduled call with my sponsor. I talk daily to at least 2-3 good Al Anon friends who help me stay grounded.

I am working on my resume and still part time homeschooling my son. I go to church and, honestly, I stay so dang busy that I wonder how I ever find time to date now that I think about it. Sometimes I will drop my son off at a friends house, go to dinner with new guy and hang out at his place for a movie, and then go pick up my son and spend quality time with him, too.

Somehow I'm keeping it all balanced! Reading all of that, I have to admit that I'm amazed. I even did a Vegas girls trip last month and I regularly stay in touch with my tennis mom friends, too. Went to dinner with a tennis mom last week after work, as well.

I'm also reworking my steps in Al Anon; going back to step 1 with my sponsor and working through Paths to Recovery. Boyfriend believes that I should start writing more and is encouraging me to start writing a book (go figure) on my experiences with alcoholism and recovery. I recently just started a blog to get my feet wet at trying my hand at writing again.

Soooo, yep, I am always taking care of me. I just like to pick apart my relationship with a fine tooth comb...you know.....just for kicks, lol.
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Old 08-16-2015, 06:09 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Hey Liz, we're just looking out for you! You've GOT this! Seriously!
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Old 08-17-2015, 10:16 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
As to what I'm doing for myself. I told him that my friends and my kid come first.....and that's a fact! I have often turned down dates with him because I already had plans with a friend. My recovery and meetings come before dates, as well. I turned down Friday night dates often because I need to be at my meetings and he understands and is aware of why I go to meetings and what I get out of them.

I just got a pedicure and met a friend there for a while and tonight I have a scheduled call with my sponsor. I talk daily to at least 2-3 good Al Anon friends who help me stay grounded.

I am working on my resume and still part time homeschooling my son. I go to church and, honestly, I stay so dang busy that I wonder how I ever find time to date now that I think about it. Sometimes I will drop my son off at a friends house, go to dinner with new guy and hang out at his place for a movie, and then go pick up my son and spend quality time with him, too.

Somehow I'm keeping it all balanced! Reading all of that, I have to admit that I'm amazed. I even did a Vegas girls trip last month and I regularly stay in touch with my tennis mom friends, too. Went to dinner with a tennis mom last week after work, as well.

I'm also reworking my steps in Al Anon; going back to step 1 with my sponsor and working through Paths to Recovery. Boyfriend believes that I should start writing more and is encouraging me to start writing a book (go figure) on my experiences with alcoholism and recovery. I recently just started a blog to get my feet wet at trying my hand at writing again.

Soooo, yep, I am always taking care of me. I just like to pick apart my relationship with a fine tooth comb...you know.....just for kicks, lol.
Liz-

I am glad someone commented above about asking about you and keeping it on you.

I am pretty exhausted reading all that you are "doing" right now in addition to a new relationship which is bringing up old stuff.

Sometimes to try and not "look" or "feel" I overdo stuff. I am under the false premise that if I am doing I won't have time to listen to the stuff going on (and I have an excuse if some emotion comes up).

I think my question is are you "doing" too much and not letting yourself be? Not letting yourself rest in all the deep change that has happened for you over the last number of months? For me this is a sign of my behavior with codependency, and keeps me from that deep relationship with self.
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Old 08-17-2015, 03:58 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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How long have you been dating this guy?

All sounds normal to me. BTW I have an email account that has 21k messages LOL.

There is exception here though I agree with refiner. The dating website is odd to me - not that its up but that he keeps checking it.

You sound committed and uninterested in dating others. One can be exclusive with someone and not commit to marriage or engagement just being exclusive. Address it with him if you think its been long enough to wonder why he is still on it (and you must since you brought it up) I always thought that saying one was exclusively sexual with someone, but not exclusively dating to be odd. Why give the milk without buying the cow? No, not talking about a marriage or engagement. Seems you have one foot in and one foot out when you don't commit to exclusively seeing each other and commit to exclusive sexually.
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Old 08-18-2015, 09:36 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Well, here's my 25 cents, fwiw:

You're not 13 years old. There's no reason to accept guessing and playing games in relationships unless you want that. If you're wondering what he feels, what he wants, why he still has an online dating profile, etc -- why don't you ask him? Why don't you ask him if he sees you as an exclusive dating couple, or if you're just one woman he's sort of test-driving?

I know I'm about as romantic as a pile of firewood, but to me, the things you mention (dating site still active; wife's pictures still on FB, not asking you to be his girlfriend) are things I couldn't live with. I'd want to know. Life's too short to go around wondering when you're perfectly able to communicate clearly.
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Old 08-19-2015, 08:06 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Well, here's my 25 cents, fwiw:

You're not 13 years old. There's no reason to accept guessing and playing games in relationships unless you want that. If you're wondering what he feels, what he wants, why he still has an online dating profile, etc -- why don't you ask him? Why don't you ask him if he sees you as an exclusive dating couple, or if you're just one woman he's sort of test-driving?

I know I'm about as romantic as a pile of firewood, but to me, the things you mention (dating site still active; wife's pictures still on FB, not asking you to be his girlfriend) are things I couldn't live with. I'd want to know. Life's too short to go around wondering when you're perfectly able to communicate clearly.
Yeah, I'm not a romantic person either, LOL. I don't mind the wife's pictures thing honestly. I know a lot of people who keep up old albums because they don't manage their FB stuff and don't take the time to download pics or whatever.

As for the girlfriend labeling thing and the website, yeah that's an issue and I know I need to address it with him. I almost brought it up last night but we were having a good time and joking around for some reason more than usual and I felt the topic was a bit too serious for where we were at last night.

He has his kids again for the next 5 days so my sponsor and I are going to sit down and actually do some role playing on conversations and how I can bring it up with him while being honest and true to myself.

Oh, and what I neglected to reveal about the dating website stuff: I came about the information that he has his profile up through my own subversive measures. I created a fake profile and was able to view his latest activity. Most of the time it would say, 'active within 3 days or 5 days' but sometimes it would say, 'active within 24 hours'. So, I knew he wasn't checking it every single day but still......then I realized that I was being a subversive codependent freak spying on him and had some program friends hold me accountable and I deleted my fake profile 2 weeks ago. I haven't checked since no matter how hard it's been because I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to tell someone that I was spying on them.......that's NOT healthy. So, I've thrown caution to the wind and I feel much better just letting it go. He's going to have to decide when and if he is going to cancel or remove that account. I know he's not dating anyone else because we spend every free night he has together.

All in all, he's a good man albeit sometimes boring. We get along well and have fun and right now, I'm ok with that. I'd like to know more about where I stand with him and that's why I'll use my sponsor to help me walk through it and bring it up when the timing is right. I don't think he's going anywhere right now and I have no plans to search elsewhere either. So, for now, I need to just remember that I'm coming out of a 20 year marriage and I know that he's nervous about that having been there himself. I honestly believe that he's been treading lightly with me so I don't get scared off and run away....which I am tempted to do at times, not because of him but because of my own fears and the fact that I haven't spent much time as a 'single' person. I may decide soon that I want to date again...who knows? And, I think he may have that thought in the back of his mind, too. But, I won't know until I ask him and I need to get over that fear and just do it.
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Old 08-19-2015, 08:42 AM
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He sounds like a really great guy. I am so happy about that for you!

Look at his actions, and then judge who he is. Look at how he treats you and others. That is how you should judge his character.

I would say to just enjoy yourself!

I am also going to say something here. In my FB profile I still have photos of my X on a couple of trips we went on w. our kids and family. I have not taken them down for a couple of reasons. As he said, I don't have those pics anywhere else, so if I delete them, they are just gone. I want those for my kids. I should take the time to go print them off, but honestly, it's just never been a priority. I use FB as a storage tool for lots of photos. Secondly, I don't want my kids to think I am trying to forget that time in our life. Those trips were a lovely time, and something I will remember fondly and I want them to do the same.

I cannot stand their father now, but that does not negate the good times we did have.

Just my .02 my friend!
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Old 08-19-2015, 09:06 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Liz, given this story about your fake profile and checking of his profile, it sounds like there is part of you that is genuinely concerned about why his profile is active. I agree with Lilliamy that the healthy, adult way to work through this concern is just simply to ask him. I'm guessing it might be an after-effect of your relationship with AXH that you feel you can't address problems and ask to have your needs met openly and honestly. And it might be easier to work through the ambivalence you're feeling about whether you even want to be committed to the relationship once this fear of yours has been addressed.
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Old 08-19-2015, 05:15 PM
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Hey, Liz, I'd say just cool on it. If it this relationship is good now, and it is from what you say, and it's growing, and it is from what you say, and he's focused on you and not spending time on anyone else, then it's good.

To push it with him, introduces some pressure that he may not be ready for, and when you do it, you may find that you aren't ready for it either.

He gets to take all the time he needs to make a more serious, defined choice to be with you. And you get the same.

Maybe he's not checking out others on dating sites. Maybe he is, and it is part of how he reassures himself that he wants to be with you. I think that is still his business, not yours. The guy I am seeing, being quite a gentleman, sent a very kind "no thank you" email to women who approached him before his subscription to the site ended.

Take more time for yourself, and explore more deeply why you are having this anxiety. I think it is more about you than him. And probably it is better if you go a much longer distance to figure yourself out on your own rather than trying to use this new and budding relationship as a sounding board to figure out what you can figure out on your own without confusing him.

Still a lot of sorting out to do from a 20 year marriage, and part of what I am hearing in your posts is that you seem too focused on someone else, what he's doing, what he's thinking. For me, it has taken 3 years to be solid enough with myself (after a 20 year marriage that I let keep me emotionally hostage to what my former husband was doing, thinking, wanting) to begin a new relationship where we let each other be ourselves as we need. You have moved quickly from a confining confusing and disturbing marriage where he was the center without taking time totally on your own. I think it will be helpful for you, even as you enjoy this new guy thoroughly, to carve out a space of your own to handle your own issues outside of this relationship.

There was a lot of feeling in me of being abandoned, even though I was the one who had to leave, and fear that I wouldn't be wanted again, that I wasn't okay enough for anyone ever. That can lead to wanting to control and hold on to the next relationship because of fear. That's future tripping, and past tripping, and I think we have to just sort it out and then let go in order to live in the moment of the new and healthy relationship.

The freedom of letting go and letting happen what ever needs to happen is, for me, part of the joy. It's scary, but it's real, and to me, that's the heart of joining two people's lives.

Take care, and enjoy,

ShootingStar1
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Old 08-19-2015, 08:01 PM
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Shooting star! I love you! Have I ever told you that?

You know what's funny? I actually was leaving the whole dating website thing alone and it wasn't bothering me for a long time. You know when it started bothering me? When I brought it up to friends, and they got all ticked about it and called it disrespectful and pointed out all the things he may (or may not) be doing online, etc. It got into my head and I found myself obsessing about it.

If I don't bring it up to my friends, the whole thing is like a fleeting thought to me. I completely agree with what you are saying. I jumped into a relationship, totally against my better judgement, but here I am and I have found a relatively normal man who I really like and am attracted to and who apparently feels the same about me. There's no reason for me to put pressure on him because, really, I'm not sure where I AM AT YET. I am obviously still recovering from my divorce and my past hurts. Thank God I am working my program and have a great sponsor who tells me exactly what you have said here. I am not about to end this relationship just because of my insecurities and codependent thought patterns, not yet anyway because I want to be fair to him and because I am not feeling like it's run it's course. I plan on just taking it slow and letting it fold organically. No pressure. Now, if I could just learn to sit and enjoy living 'just for today', I'd be happy, right, LOL?

Oh, and a quick followup: he told me, back when we were about 8 weeks into our dating, that when women send him a request on the website he tells them 'no thank you' and that he is seeing someone and that he appreciates their interest. And, at the time, I was doing the same but my account expired earlier than his and I chose to not renew.
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