The Dance We Do...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
I agree with Refiner--she's playing you and you need to serve her eviction papers if she isn't out in a week.
There are rentals open right now in a college town but they fill up and then she will sing a sad song.
Get her out and change the locks. Tell her no alcohol or alcohol consumption will be allowed in your house after Sept 1,
so she had better get hopping to find a place to keep her habit intact.
That ought to shake the lead out.
There are rentals open right now in a college town but they fill up and then she will sing a sad song.
Get her out and change the locks. Tell her no alcohol or alcohol consumption will be allowed in your house after Sept 1,
so she had better get hopping to find a place to keep her habit intact.
That ought to shake the lead out.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just one other thought--is it feasible for YOU to leave? I mean, I understand the reasoning/feeling that the person with the PROBLEM should leave, but who is suffering more? When I left my second husband (who had renewed a lease we couldn't afford, without my permission), I packed up and moved to my own little apartment. I left him one month's rent and told him to figure it out.
Technically, you could be on the hook for the rent until the lease is up--depending on how your lease is worded and who is on it, you could be jointly and severally liable for the rent (i.e., if she doesn't pay a thing you could be liable for the whole thing). But depending on how much time is left on the lease it might be worth considering.
Technically, you could be on the hook for the rent until the lease is up--depending on how your lease is worded and who is on it, you could be jointly and severally liable for the rent (i.e., if she doesn't pay a thing you could be liable for the whole thing). But depending on how much time is left on the lease it might be worth considering.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Ugg - the love note. They know that's what we're looking for - don't they!
Actions - not words TG. People can SAY anything. It is what we do that matters.
Mine says I love you, I miss you too - while he comes up for air from his drink.
(((HUGS)))
Actions - not words TG. People can SAY anything. It is what we do that matters.
Mine says I love you, I miss you too - while he comes up for air from his drink.
(((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
TG- She just doesn't know what to do. She knows she is losing you. She is sooooo confused and wants everything to stay the same. You are dealing with an Alcoholic and they are not sane. Here are comments from F & F the A side....
"When I was drinking I would say anything I thought might-in any Universe-get me what I wanted. Something I probably wouldn't want a short time later.
I never stopped loving my family, but the thought of living without alcohol was so overwhelmingly terrifying I was willing to put my relationship with them at risk to keep drinking. That fear was absolutely irrational, but absolutely real."
You have to remember this. It feels good that she is saying that she loves you and I am sure she does. But she loves Alcohol more, there is 3 of you in this relationship. "there was an unwelcome third party deeply entrenched in our relationship...alcohol. And it wasn't leaving, no matter how much I wished it would."
The best thing is to give her a day she needs to be out by. You told her she needs to leave but never followed up on when. She knows that, and that is why she is not following through because MAYBE if she is a "good" girl she can stay.
Here is a few more quotes I kept:
A complete lack of healthy coping skills is, I believe, the biggest reason my AH drinks.
I had ZERO trust and 100% hope in the XA - but HOPE IS NOT A PLAN.
The alcoholic has no compassion, just self pity.
He will easily destroy the lives of those he 'loves' to feed his addiction. It comes before family.
The only promise an alcoholic can keep consistently is that they will drink, regardless.
You have 2 options, contribute and support this women with her addiction, and watch her eventually kill herself or walk away and pray that she seeks help for herself. This is a one man adventure.
Hugs, there is still more to come. Stick with us TG!! As much as it hurts it is for the best of both of you. Just maybe she will seek sobriety.
"When I was drinking I would say anything I thought might-in any Universe-get me what I wanted. Something I probably wouldn't want a short time later.
I never stopped loving my family, but the thought of living without alcohol was so overwhelmingly terrifying I was willing to put my relationship with them at risk to keep drinking. That fear was absolutely irrational, but absolutely real."
You have to remember this. It feels good that she is saying that she loves you and I am sure she does. But she loves Alcohol more, there is 3 of you in this relationship. "there was an unwelcome third party deeply entrenched in our relationship...alcohol. And it wasn't leaving, no matter how much I wished it would."
The best thing is to give her a day she needs to be out by. You told her she needs to leave but never followed up on when. She knows that, and that is why she is not following through because MAYBE if she is a "good" girl she can stay.
Here is a few more quotes I kept:
A complete lack of healthy coping skills is, I believe, the biggest reason my AH drinks.
I had ZERO trust and 100% hope in the XA - but HOPE IS NOT A PLAN.
The alcoholic has no compassion, just self pity.
He will easily destroy the lives of those he 'loves' to feed his addiction. It comes before family.
The only promise an alcoholic can keep consistently is that they will drink, regardless.
You have 2 options, contribute and support this women with her addiction, and watch her eventually kill herself or walk away and pray that she seeks help for herself. This is a one man adventure.
Hugs, there is still more to come. Stick with us TG!! As much as it hurts it is for the best of both of you. Just maybe she will seek sobriety.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
I think Try owns the house Lex--he pays all the expenses as well.
So she's the one who needs to leave. . .
So she's the one who needs to leave. . .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
It's funny/sad how there's always a pattern here and basically it's the same.
Also, this is the same dance from 4 years ago, just something I put in the past and hoped to never do again.
For those worried that she is squatting, don't worry -- She'll go. She's sad about something (maybe having to leave, maybe losing me, maybe both) but she knows there's no other choice. Two more apartment showings tonight. And she is going to them. She moved out last time without ever trying to change. Yes she got sad like this and the final goodbye was heartbreaking for the both of us, but she knows it's the alcohol or the highway and the highway looks way better than losing the booze.
She cried in front of me tonight. Yes it breaks my heart but no it doesn't change my resolve so don't worry. I sat with her a moment and told her I got her note but I have no idea what else to say. She said that I wanted this to happen (the break up) through her tears and I let her know it was not the outcome I wanted...but she was unhappy, I was unhappy...and nothing is changing if she stays. She agreed. She's fine now, short sad spell, then back to the drinking which has been going on all day and is continuing into the evening (yes, she even had a can during her crying spell).
I hate seeing the tears flow down her face. I hate this part. I love her but there's no path forward for us with alcohol and I know it's the only crutch she knows how to walk with. She's not ready to stop. I hope she can break this someday.
Also, this is the same dance from 4 years ago, just something I put in the past and hoped to never do again.
For those worried that she is squatting, don't worry -- She'll go. She's sad about something (maybe having to leave, maybe losing me, maybe both) but she knows there's no other choice. Two more apartment showings tonight. And she is going to them. She moved out last time without ever trying to change. Yes she got sad like this and the final goodbye was heartbreaking for the both of us, but she knows it's the alcohol or the highway and the highway looks way better than losing the booze.
She cried in front of me tonight. Yes it breaks my heart but no it doesn't change my resolve so don't worry. I sat with her a moment and told her I got her note but I have no idea what else to say. She said that I wanted this to happen (the break up) through her tears and I let her know it was not the outcome I wanted...but she was unhappy, I was unhappy...and nothing is changing if she stays. She agreed. She's fine now, short sad spell, then back to the drinking which has been going on all day and is continuing into the evening (yes, she even had a can during her crying spell).
I hate seeing the tears flow down her face. I hate this part. I love her but there's no path forward for us with alcohol and I know it's the only crutch she knows how to walk with. She's not ready to stop. I hope she can break this someday.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Its is so sad. My X came in my room 2 nights before we divorced. Asked if he could spend the night. We hugged and cried all night long. It's not that we don't love each other. Its that they can not comprehend living without alcohol and that is what we ask of them. It is worth giving up everything in their life for it. Us non addicts can never comprehend the hold that it has on them, I have given up trying to understand.
The thing is, that I wasted 34 years of my life trying to comprehend his erratic behavior. You are smart enough to remove yourself and not waste 1/2 your life trying to "change" them. I wish I found SR 25, 20 or even 15 years ago. Boy would my life have been different. I know this is so painful, but just think where you would be in 5, 10 or 15 years from now. The pain would hurt worse.
Stay strong and maybe she found a place tonight. You can start to rebuild TryGuy and find that fun person he use to be before this crazy mess you got into. Hugs and keep taking baby steps!!
The thing is, that I wasted 34 years of my life trying to comprehend his erratic behavior. You are smart enough to remove yourself and not waste 1/2 your life trying to "change" them. I wish I found SR 25, 20 or even 15 years ago. Boy would my life have been different. I know this is so painful, but just think where you would be in 5, 10 or 15 years from now. The pain would hurt worse.
Stay strong and maybe she found a place tonight. You can start to rebuild TryGuy and find that fun person he use to be before this crazy mess you got into. Hugs and keep taking baby steps!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
I sure have gained such a wonderful group of followers in this thread. I thank you all and thank the forces that brought me to this fantastic place. I have a nice support system of family and friends, but having a group who truly can understand the situation, means more than words. My friends and family can sympathize, but not comprehend, the lengths of what my life has been over the course of this relationship.
Maia, so sad to hear your story and I can imagine we are on the same road, or at least, the same mood. The house mood has shifted to one of being somber. It's very strange. The electricity of the heated arguments and tension is gone. It's been replaced with sadness and sort of a realization that this is really happening...for the both of us.
I know she is sad, but her drinking has increased even more to coincide with the sadness. Exactly not what you hope but what makes sense given the situation, and definitely what makes sense for her in her state. I've stopped commenting, judging, engaging, and when there is drinking taking place, I've left the area. She found new drinking partners tonight - Went drinking with her boss and new coworkers after work today. Add it to the list, another group to drink with before going home to drink with herself.
Much like what happened with you and your X, I love her, and I think she loves me too (though am not delusional enough to also fathom she may be crying more for the loss of the comfort and living situation than me personally). Still, I also like you must give up trying to understand why she would not only not even try to leave the drink behind, but increase the drinking in the sight of the loss of what the drinking has caused. It's one of the great mysteries of life I guess, how this whole condition works.
I hope everyone is doing well tonight...thoughts of care, concern, and thankfulness going out to all my SR friends this evening.
Maia, so sad to hear your story and I can imagine we are on the same road, or at least, the same mood. The house mood has shifted to one of being somber. It's very strange. The electricity of the heated arguments and tension is gone. It's been replaced with sadness and sort of a realization that this is really happening...for the both of us.
I know she is sad, but her drinking has increased even more to coincide with the sadness. Exactly not what you hope but what makes sense given the situation, and definitely what makes sense for her in her state. I've stopped commenting, judging, engaging, and when there is drinking taking place, I've left the area. She found new drinking partners tonight - Went drinking with her boss and new coworkers after work today. Add it to the list, another group to drink with before going home to drink with herself.
Much like what happened with you and your X, I love her, and I think she loves me too (though am not delusional enough to also fathom she may be crying more for the loss of the comfort and living situation than me personally). Still, I also like you must give up trying to understand why she would not only not even try to leave the drink behind, but increase the drinking in the sight of the loss of what the drinking has caused. It's one of the great mysteries of life I guess, how this whole condition works.
I hope everyone is doing well tonight...thoughts of care, concern, and thankfulness going out to all my SR friends this evening.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TryGuy......She must have written the "love n ote" when she was drunk.
You are hurting more than she is about this move. She has the alcohol which blurs any pain on her side.
You are doing the feeling for both of you. She is doing the feeling for herself.
You are n ot being mean or unfeeling. She will never ...NEVER....reach recovery under your roof.
You just gotta do what you know you gotta do.
You are hurting more than she is about this move. She has the alcohol which blurs any pain on her side.
You are doing the feeling for both of you. She is doing the feeling for herself.
You are n ot being mean or unfeeling. She will never ...NEVER....reach recovery under your roof.
You just gotta do what you know you gotta do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
The house mood has shifted to one of being somber. It's very strange. The electricity of the heated arguments and tension is gone. It's been replaced with sadness and sort of a realization that this is really happening...for the both of us.
I know she is sad, but her drinking has increased even more to coincide with the sadness. Exactly not what you hope but what makes sense given the situation, and definitely what makes sense for her in her state. I've stopped commenting, judging, engaging, and when there is drinking taking place, I've left the area. She found new drinking partners tonight - Went drinking with her boss and new coworkers after work today. Add it to the list, another group to drink with before going home to drink with herself.
I know she is sad, but her drinking has increased even more to coincide with the sadness. Exactly not what you hope but what makes sense given the situation, and definitely what makes sense for her in her state. I've stopped commenting, judging, engaging, and when there is drinking taking place, I've left the area. She found new drinking partners tonight - Went drinking with her boss and new coworkers after work today. Add it to the list, another group to drink with before going home to drink with herself.
That's ok - this is not for you and I and so many others here. I know it's somber and sad right now - the sooner she's out, the sooner it ends for you. For them, I just feel sad they are stuck in the cycle. What a horrible disease.
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