The Dance We Do...
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Places like this forum restore my faith in humanity. So many nice wonderful helpful people here. Thank you all so much!
BiminiBlue - Sadly I believe this is her exact M.O. and she can pull it off. She's attractive and I suspect she'll have no issues finding dates or a long term partner if she wants a new caretaker. I have to let go of those ideas, just as I did the last time we split. I am not in a position where I can take care of her anymore in this state so I'm not the one for her. I've tried to do it for 9 years, and it's gotten us nowhere closer,
She would likely much prefer to have another guy to pay her way and take care of her, and if that's already started, I can't imagine a guy who wants to spend the night with a girl still living with her long term boyfriend (and lying about who she's with) is of great moral fiber. Not a great way to re-start your life.
Maia, Minime, Hopeful - I'm not sure I need to go down the legal actions of eviction just yet, but I will at least look into my options. I changed the locks last time and the police were called and I had to let her in. As soon as we determined this was ending, she immediately told me that she has rights to be here and can't be kicked out. I actually honestly think she's looking to get out ASAP (think tonight will be the 4th place she looks at). I haven't seen her put this much energy into anything in a long time so she's at least serious about finding a new home. And with the dog in tow comes more limited options. She'll find it soon I bet. She's working full time now so is also busy, but also can afford to pay for it so she'll at least not be on the street.
Minime I agree and will do my best to completely stay out of the way as much as possible. Right now this is pretty much a place for her to occasionally sleep and shower, and for her dog to live, not much more than that, and I've accepted that. I do wish she'd be out full time but my guess is that she can't leave the dog with the new guy and she wants to see her occasionally so this is where it will stay. At least it looks so far like the new guy isn't moving her in directly which could have happened and she'd accept I'm sure (I speculate still without any direct evidence but don't have any interest in looking into it further as it doesn't change anything).
I also want to say I love this:
I appreciate at least knowing that a lot of this is just symptomatic and not personal. I love her very much and to see her trying to deliberately hurt and change in the face of losing this living situation and having to start over, is sad, to see that person I love treating me this way in our final days. Like a stranger. But I understand why that must be so. And yes, I will be doing what I can to avoid her routine as much as I can, have been doing pretty well at that overall actually (just a brief encounter once or twice a day, not too bad).
BiminiBlue - Sadly I believe this is her exact M.O. and she can pull it off. She's attractive and I suspect she'll have no issues finding dates or a long term partner if she wants a new caretaker. I have to let go of those ideas, just as I did the last time we split. I am not in a position where I can take care of her anymore in this state so I'm not the one for her. I've tried to do it for 9 years, and it's gotten us nowhere closer,
She would likely much prefer to have another guy to pay her way and take care of her, and if that's already started, I can't imagine a guy who wants to spend the night with a girl still living with her long term boyfriend (and lying about who she's with) is of great moral fiber. Not a great way to re-start your life.
Maia, Minime, Hopeful - I'm not sure I need to go down the legal actions of eviction just yet, but I will at least look into my options. I changed the locks last time and the police were called and I had to let her in. As soon as we determined this was ending, she immediately told me that she has rights to be here and can't be kicked out. I actually honestly think she's looking to get out ASAP (think tonight will be the 4th place she looks at). I haven't seen her put this much energy into anything in a long time so she's at least serious about finding a new home. And with the dog in tow comes more limited options. She'll find it soon I bet. She's working full time now so is also busy, but also can afford to pay for it so she'll at least not be on the street.
Minime I agree and will do my best to completely stay out of the way as much as possible. Right now this is pretty much a place for her to occasionally sleep and shower, and for her dog to live, not much more than that, and I've accepted that. I do wish she'd be out full time but my guess is that she can't leave the dog with the new guy and she wants to see her occasionally so this is where it will stay. At least it looks so far like the new guy isn't moving her in directly which could have happened and she'd accept I'm sure (I speculate still without any direct evidence but don't have any interest in looking into it further as it doesn't change anything).
I also want to say I love this:
She'll probably keep throwing little punches like this - after all, you're upsetting the balance in her own life. She now has to go look for someone else to be her caretaker so she can continue her destructive behavior, unabated. So, try your best not to engage and to take it personally. Regardless of anything you feel in the coming months, you are simply an innocent bystander of someone else's disease, and you're just taking the steps to protect yourself from the fallout from it.
It may even be helpful for you to create a new routine for your own free time. It will help keep your mind of of the current situation, and keep you from engaging in her daily antics. It will give you a little distance and space to clear your mind and keep your peace, as well. Concentrate on your own daily habits and routines that allow you to separate yourself from this relationship, and help strengthen the boundaries you're creating. You can't help the person she's chosen to become, but you can help yourself forge a healthy pathway out of this situation.
It may even be helpful for you to create a new routine for your own free time. It will help keep your mind of of the current situation, and keep you from engaging in her daily antics. It will give you a little distance and space to clear your mind and keep your peace, as well. Concentrate on your own daily habits and routines that allow you to separate yourself from this relationship, and help strengthen the boundaries you're creating. You can't help the person she's chosen to become, but you can help yourself forge a healthy pathway out of this situation.
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TryGuy........thinking about how you "can't imagine" any guy willing to spend the night with a woman who is still living with her long-term boyfriend. (being of low moral fiber).
My friend, maybe YOU don't think like that.....but that happens all the time--and not necessarily with those who are amoral...
Both men and women can pull this move off rather "sucessfully"
The attractive and fetching person spots a vulnerable party. Then begins the maneuver to cater to that person's ego needs while describing their current partner as lacking in important ways. "My boyfriend is soo controlling and selfish...."I am trying to find a way to break it off. I feel so happy and comfortable when I am with YOU."
"My soon to be ex is really crazy...I've tried to hold it together, but I just can't take it any longer. I would l ike to find someone who has it all together, like YOU."
"We have just grown apart.......I feel soo alive when I'm with YOU."
It is amazing how those lines "open the gates" for someone who hears what they want to hear. And, it seems to assuage the guilt...if they think that the person is exiting an already defunct relationship.
Not that this changes anything for you....but....I just thought that I would "enlighten" you...LOL!
I know how hard this period of time is for you. It won't be forever, though.
dandylion
My friend, maybe YOU don't think like that.....but that happens all the time--and not necessarily with those who are amoral...
Both men and women can pull this move off rather "sucessfully"
The attractive and fetching person spots a vulnerable party. Then begins the maneuver to cater to that person's ego needs while describing their current partner as lacking in important ways. "My boyfriend is soo controlling and selfish...."I am trying to find a way to break it off. I feel so happy and comfortable when I am with YOU."
"My soon to be ex is really crazy...I've tried to hold it together, but I just can't take it any longer. I would l ike to find someone who has it all together, like YOU."
"We have just grown apart.......I feel soo alive when I'm with YOU."
It is amazing how those lines "open the gates" for someone who hears what they want to hear. And, it seems to assuage the guilt...if they think that the person is exiting an already defunct relationship.
Not that this changes anything for you....but....I just thought that I would "enlighten" you...LOL!
I know how hard this period of time is for you. It won't be forever, though.
dandylion
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Indeed, the world has all types. Heck, it's what makes the world go round.
Doing OK for a Friday night. Decided to have a brief conversation about business and it went fine. Given your suggestions, I asked her if she had found an apartment yet. She was very open and honest about it but I could also hear frustration in her voice. She is having trouble finding a place that would take her dog and also be affordable and is learning about all the extra expenses such as utilities, etc. She asked me what date I wanted her out by. I told her I'll let her know soon (need to figure this out for myself and schedule if you can believe that, I have some busy weekends coming up). And when she moves, I at least want to be nearby.
I also decided to ask her about staying where she's been staying instead of coming home randomly to dress, shower and leave. She apparently has been staying with her enabler girlfriend (the one who helped bring back the drunk party days), who lives with her father. Her father is out of town so she's staying there. She took the dog with her tonight in an effort to see if the 2 dogs will get along. If they do, they are going to look into getting a place together to save on expenses. A drunkpartment!
So, she is honestly on the hunt and just having a little trouble facing the reality of the expense. The home I/we had built is brand new and beautiful. I've been covering every expense. I do almost all of the cooking and cleaning. Yet, threaten the drinking, and NONE of that matters. Pretty remarkable stuff, eh? Powerful. And even in the face of all this, not a hint of a suggestion she's reconsidering her lifestyle. Nope. Gotta have that booze. The process continues.
Anyway, that's where we find our hero tonight. She and the dog over with the girlfriend, and I'm here having had a good workout, dinner, fresh shower, and I think I'll take in a movie or catch up on a little TV.
The house is going to be empty and lonely, but I'll have guests come in on the weekends when I can to keep me from reaching hermit status, perhaps consider a pet of my own eventually if I am not looking to run around and travel a lot, and next...who knows?
The saga continues. Hoping the 2 dogs get along and she and her girlfriend can find a nice apartment to share and party in.
Doing OK for a Friday night. Decided to have a brief conversation about business and it went fine. Given your suggestions, I asked her if she had found an apartment yet. She was very open and honest about it but I could also hear frustration in her voice. She is having trouble finding a place that would take her dog and also be affordable and is learning about all the extra expenses such as utilities, etc. She asked me what date I wanted her out by. I told her I'll let her know soon (need to figure this out for myself and schedule if you can believe that, I have some busy weekends coming up). And when she moves, I at least want to be nearby.
I also decided to ask her about staying where she's been staying instead of coming home randomly to dress, shower and leave. She apparently has been staying with her enabler girlfriend (the one who helped bring back the drunk party days), who lives with her father. Her father is out of town so she's staying there. She took the dog with her tonight in an effort to see if the 2 dogs will get along. If they do, they are going to look into getting a place together to save on expenses. A drunkpartment!
So, she is honestly on the hunt and just having a little trouble facing the reality of the expense. The home I/we had built is brand new and beautiful. I've been covering every expense. I do almost all of the cooking and cleaning. Yet, threaten the drinking, and NONE of that matters. Pretty remarkable stuff, eh? Powerful. And even in the face of all this, not a hint of a suggestion she's reconsidering her lifestyle. Nope. Gotta have that booze. The process continues.
Anyway, that's where we find our hero tonight. She and the dog over with the girlfriend, and I'm here having had a good workout, dinner, fresh shower, and I think I'll take in a movie or catch up on a little TV.
The house is going to be empty and lonely, but I'll have guests come in on the weekends when I can to keep me from reaching hermit status, perhaps consider a pet of my own eventually if I am not looking to run around and travel a lot, and next...who knows?
The saga continues. Hoping the 2 dogs get along and she and her girlfriend can find a nice apartment to share and party in.
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I know that feeling of "but I took such good care of them, why would they leave?!" What I realized, with my last AXBF at least, was that the very fact that he allowed me to support him in the first place was a reflection of his addiction and his entitled attitude. One thing I've had to do in the aftermath of that relationship is think harder about the red flags that I missed with him. His previous girlfriend had supported him, too. I really should have seen that he was looking for another enabler. In the future I hope to focus on men who have a healthy sense of independence and self-motivation, and wouldn't want to be supported.
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I'd keep the dog. I love her and she loves me. Maybe even a bit more than GF.
GF loves the dog more than most other things in her life. Most. She'd never give her up. One of the few joys in her life and she'll need her more than ever now.
GF loves the dog more than most other things in her life. Most. She'd never give her up. One of the few joys in her life and she'll need her more than ever now.
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TG- I find it ironic that the "friend" lives with Dad. How funny is that, we have another A that is not responsible and has an enabler. (A's spend a lot of money on alcohol, hard to want to waste that money on rent)They both deserve each other. I would love to be a fly on that wall on who does what, as both will do nothing, Just like Refiner said, I feel for the dog.
She knows that you love her and don't want her to leave. You will need to revisit the date you want her out. She has to know you mean business. The old saying" if she leaves and sobers up, good for you. If she leaves and doesn't sober up good for you." There is always that chance that she sees what she lost and gave up, for her alcohol addiction. ( I can almost guarantee you two will re-visit this conversation and she will try "moderating" her drinking for "you".
You can offer to keep the dog "temporarily" till she can find a place that takes dogs. This way she does now that she has blown it. My X proceeded to leave me every night and weekend to go and party for 1 1/2 years prior to the divorce. 2 Nights before the divorce, (after 34 years together) says "are you sure we are doing the right thing" REALLY?? 3 bouts in marriage counseling, my own counseling, mediation, and now he is realizing that I am following through with my threats???? I don't think he thought I would EVER follow through!!! Best thing I ever did for ME!!!!!
Here is another saying I read on SR "This is not a healthy adult female you're dealing with. It's "His Majesty the Child" as Bill Wilson said in the AA big book. Also known as the King Baby. Basically the mindset of a toddler (me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, I want, I want, I want) trapped in a grown women's body." In their mind it is always about them. That is another byproduct of their addiction and until they get help, grow up and work a program, it will never change.
Hugs my friend, put a smile on your face and act like this isn't killing you!!! More will transpire, don't cave in!!!
She knows that you love her and don't want her to leave. You will need to revisit the date you want her out. She has to know you mean business. The old saying" if she leaves and sobers up, good for you. If she leaves and doesn't sober up good for you." There is always that chance that she sees what she lost and gave up, for her alcohol addiction. ( I can almost guarantee you two will re-visit this conversation and she will try "moderating" her drinking for "you".
You can offer to keep the dog "temporarily" till she can find a place that takes dogs. This way she does now that she has blown it. My X proceeded to leave me every night and weekend to go and party for 1 1/2 years prior to the divorce. 2 Nights before the divorce, (after 34 years together) says "are you sure we are doing the right thing" REALLY?? 3 bouts in marriage counseling, my own counseling, mediation, and now he is realizing that I am following through with my threats???? I don't think he thought I would EVER follow through!!! Best thing I ever did for ME!!!!!
Here is another saying I read on SR "This is not a healthy adult female you're dealing with. It's "His Majesty the Child" as Bill Wilson said in the AA big book. Also known as the King Baby. Basically the mindset of a toddler (me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, I want, I want, I want) trapped in a grown women's body." In their mind it is always about them. That is another byproduct of their addiction and until they get help, grow up and work a program, it will never change.
Hugs my friend, put a smile on your face and act like this isn't killing you!!! More will transpire, don't cave in!!!
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She and her little partying friend just may be forced to grow up if they truly DO move in together. Party Friend has had her Daddy for her soft cushies, your XA has had you. They are finding out that there's actually a LOT of responsibility (mainly FINANCIAL) in playing house with their little doggies. They will find out how much $ it takes to turn on a lamp, run a shower, flush a toilet, and to stay warm or keep cool. Something they've probably always taken for granted. They'll find their little crappy apartment is not quite as comfortable as the nice comfy houses grownups live in. Then comes the actual chore and expense of grocery shopping. Then someone needs to actually cook the stuff. And then there's the washing of clothes (probably at a laundromat) and scrubbing their own toilets. With her attitude I'm sure she's one to always keep that unlimited data plan, impeccable nails, and just right highlights in her hair. I sure hope there's enough love for her dog that she gets her yearly shots and a decent brand of dog food.
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This is and has always been her life -- Clinically depressed, numb the pain with alcohol or whatever else changes things for a while. Sleep when you can't.
Yes, her new friend was a tipping point and definitely took an already off-balance situation and made it dire. She was her new party buddy and escape when the home drinking was starting to increase and I wasn't having it.
As maia says, more is transpiring, but I am strong and having no problems today. She arrived home at some point today with the dog (I was out doing yard work) and slept most of the afternoon. Woke up this evening and found me in the house, asked me my evening plans and if I minded if she stayed here as she had none. I said no problem. She said she would be drinking because "she is very depressed" but she would stay out of my way.
DON'T WORRY I know what's happening here. No problem and nothing is changing. I do feel bad for her as I can see now that so much of what I have been reading is true. This condition is progressing, she's seeing the effects, and she's using the booze to medicate as always. Such a terrible thing.
I will say though, we share a fridge, after all, and I'm done counting or monitoring drinks, but now the beer is a 30 pack. Previously it had been 12 packs. It's escalating and I feel so sorry for her.
Don't worry, everyone -- Yes this is my home and I didn't plan to leave tonight, no plans, and there's plenty of space (it's a fairly large place). I'll be on the lower level tonight and can pretty much isolate myself the rest of the evening (I got what I need from the fridge for the night and moved it downstairs). No plans to count drinks, check on her, engage in conversation or an argument, etc. I'll be alone tonight. We remain living in separate areas of the house.
Thanks so m uch for all your support. Maia and Refiner you seem to know the game very well, of how it is played now, and how life is later, and I agree with you completely.
I surprisingly feel ok, I'm very sad for her because I know this is something that is controlling her, but I also know very well now that there is not a thing I can do about it. I can't thank you all enough for your support through this.
Yes, her new friend was a tipping point and definitely took an already off-balance situation and made it dire. She was her new party buddy and escape when the home drinking was starting to increase and I wasn't having it.
As maia says, more is transpiring, but I am strong and having no problems today. She arrived home at some point today with the dog (I was out doing yard work) and slept most of the afternoon. Woke up this evening and found me in the house, asked me my evening plans and if I minded if she stayed here as she had none. I said no problem. She said she would be drinking because "she is very depressed" but she would stay out of my way.
DON'T WORRY I know what's happening here. No problem and nothing is changing. I do feel bad for her as I can see now that so much of what I have been reading is true. This condition is progressing, she's seeing the effects, and she's using the booze to medicate as always. Such a terrible thing.
I will say though, we share a fridge, after all, and I'm done counting or monitoring drinks, but now the beer is a 30 pack. Previously it had been 12 packs. It's escalating and I feel so sorry for her.
Don't worry, everyone -- Yes this is my home and I didn't plan to leave tonight, no plans, and there's plenty of space (it's a fairly large place). I'll be on the lower level tonight and can pretty much isolate myself the rest of the evening (I got what I need from the fridge for the night and moved it downstairs). No plans to count drinks, check on her, engage in conversation or an argument, etc. I'll be alone tonight. We remain living in separate areas of the house.
Thanks so m uch for all your support. Maia and Refiner you seem to know the game very well, of how it is played now, and how life is later, and I agree with you completely.
I surprisingly feel ok, I'm very sad for her because I know this is something that is controlling her, but I also know very well now that there is not a thing I can do about it. I can't thank you all enough for your support through this.
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Yep TG, not sure what year my A moved to the 30 pack, of cheap beer. I don't remember him leaving Budweiser for the cheap crxp. I guess I was minding my own biz and not watching. Yea!!! Also in the beer fridge we had back up in the vegie drawers, ALWAYS. Never in our house were we ever out of beer, or for that matter, he always had/has a cooler on ice in car for his day trips canoeing.
Once again, she partied all night and slept all day, welcome to the life of an alcoholic. At least now she has a roof over her head. Who knows what next month will bring.
GF is comprehending what she is losing, a good guy, a beautiful stable home, security, now she has to move, lots of work. She is very, very depressed and will keep drinking. She knows that you mean business and your head is on straight. No more fighting and you going crazy, that she has to leave and go drink with friends. She sees's something has changed with "you".
I hope she doesn't reach out to "talk" tonight. Remember, when she is drunk you are speaking 2 different languages. Don't engage as she will never remember anything anyway, so don't waste your time. Only talk when she is sober. She is well aware of what she needs to do, grow up, sober up and work a program. That's it in a nut shell, she knows it and there is no reason to reiterate it. Especially moderating it. Go on the A forum and search moderation.... Doesn't work for an A.
Hugs my friend and enjoy your evening!!
I
Once again, she partied all night and slept all day, welcome to the life of an alcoholic. At least now she has a roof over her head. Who knows what next month will bring.
GF is comprehending what she is losing, a good guy, a beautiful stable home, security, now she has to move, lots of work. She is very, very depressed and will keep drinking. She knows that you mean business and your head is on straight. No more fighting and you going crazy, that she has to leave and go drink with friends. She sees's something has changed with "you".
I hope she doesn't reach out to "talk" tonight. Remember, when she is drunk you are speaking 2 different languages. Don't engage as she will never remember anything anyway, so don't waste your time. Only talk when she is sober. She is well aware of what she needs to do, grow up, sober up and work a program. That's it in a nut shell, she knows it and there is no reason to reiterate it. Especially moderating it. Go on the A forum and search moderation.... Doesn't work for an A.
Hugs my friend and enjoy your evening!!
I
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Such a weird day today.
All was actually fine last night. No conversation or attempt at any, she drank whatever she drank, passed out, woke up early today and has been getting on with her day around the house. No conflict, everything polite. No attempts at any conversation about our relationship or anything else. Even more odd, no drinking (and that's with a ton of beer in the fridge). A couple weeks ago, before this all came to a head, on a day she didn't have to work, she'd have been drinking pretty much steady all day lounging around. She hasn't touched the stuff today. It's just so WEIRD!
It's sort of flashing me back to the last time we split up, 4 years ago. I remember how it was a struggle for her to get so much in order to move and start over. I remember thinking, I wonder why she hasn't even TRIED to have a conversation with me about anything relating to trying to stay...at all! And she never did. Out she was. I have never known someone so strong-willed and at the same time stubborn when faced with any sort of admission of a flaw or issue. She would rather do anything else. It's remarkable.
The dynamic here is fine and unlike what others fear, if it follows what happened last time (and this is all giving me flashbacks at how similar), she will pack and move out with no issue or problem as soon as she's found her new home, and it will probably be pretty soon (next 1-2 weeks I'd say). Same thing as last time. She will show no emotion, no attempts to stay or change, and out the door and out my life she will go.
Since all of this started gearing up, and the drinking levels increased, not one single time has she even expressed a slight bit of interest in stopping, changing, or even moderating. It has always been she is a grown up, and I am controlling. There has never, ever been any desire expressed or attempt to control the drinking or an admission it might be too much.
I know many speculate she'll be back, but there's no need to speculate or care right now, I'm currently just focused on getting through this phase. I have to admit it's a really weird one. To have her drinking last night but no noise, carrying on, no fights...and be away from it all, and then have her not drinking today as she usually would be...it's so weird how practically everything about the dynamic has changed. It's like she's changing too, though not for the better really, just...changing?
All was actually fine last night. No conversation or attempt at any, she drank whatever she drank, passed out, woke up early today and has been getting on with her day around the house. No conflict, everything polite. No attempts at any conversation about our relationship or anything else. Even more odd, no drinking (and that's with a ton of beer in the fridge). A couple weeks ago, before this all came to a head, on a day she didn't have to work, she'd have been drinking pretty much steady all day lounging around. She hasn't touched the stuff today. It's just so WEIRD!
It's sort of flashing me back to the last time we split up, 4 years ago. I remember how it was a struggle for her to get so much in order to move and start over. I remember thinking, I wonder why she hasn't even TRIED to have a conversation with me about anything relating to trying to stay...at all! And she never did. Out she was. I have never known someone so strong-willed and at the same time stubborn when faced with any sort of admission of a flaw or issue. She would rather do anything else. It's remarkable.
The dynamic here is fine and unlike what others fear, if it follows what happened last time (and this is all giving me flashbacks at how similar), she will pack and move out with no issue or problem as soon as she's found her new home, and it will probably be pretty soon (next 1-2 weeks I'd say). Same thing as last time. She will show no emotion, no attempts to stay or change, and out the door and out my life she will go.
Since all of this started gearing up, and the drinking levels increased, not one single time has she even expressed a slight bit of interest in stopping, changing, or even moderating. It has always been she is a grown up, and I am controlling. There has never, ever been any desire expressed or attempt to control the drinking or an admission it might be too much.
I know many speculate she'll be back, but there's no need to speculate or care right now, I'm currently just focused on getting through this phase. I have to admit it's a really weird one. To have her drinking last night but no noise, carrying on, no fights...and be away from it all, and then have her not drinking today as she usually would be...it's so weird how practically everything about the dynamic has changed. It's like she's changing too, though not for the better really, just...changing?
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Doubt it. If I had to guess, she's trying to "prove" something by having a refrigerator full of beer and not drinking one. My guess is this will be pointed out to you at some point, as support for a claim she doesn't have a problem--other than you. In short, I don't think it means a thing.
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I'm with Lexie. In her mind she has no problem so she is in a way shoving your face in the fact she's NOT drinking. I guess just be glad she's not putting up a hissy fit. In her mind, she's probably just going thru that "dance" you speak of and thinks she'll just go thru these motions of moving out for awhile, rinse, repeat, and move back in. Sad.
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Thanks for the replies -- You're always there for me. 
I'm doing okay, admittedly it's hard but I would be a robot if it wasn't.
It's hard seeing her keep herself together, looking better than she has in a long time (I realize this could be a jealousy thing and of course the next guy could be in the picture which would explain her mood and willingness to exit, as well). It's hard to see her in an upbeat mood. It's hard to see her in a sad mood. It seems to change by the day. One day she's depressed. Another day she's chipper and happy. She's doing our laundry today. Not just hers. Mine too. Regardless...doesn't matter to me since she is still drinking...
Which has started for the day again btw.
Again, no big deal, every cracked beer reminds me of why we are here and doing what we are doing. Even if she "moderates" one day that doesn't mean the next will be the same, and as a person who is fortunate enough to be able to moderate, I still know better than making every day of the week (except the really bad hangover days) a drinking day. Just not good for ya even if you don't have a problem!
I certainly know enough to know I never want to go through this again, with her or anyone. She I think knows that too. There's nothing to talk about if alcohol, even in moderation, is off the table. I've learned it's all or nothing with her and we both know she's nowhere near ready for "nothing". I will be her silent cheerleader from afar and hope for happiness and good health for her.
I'm doing okay, admittedly it's hard but I would be a robot if it wasn't.
It's hard seeing her keep herself together, looking better than she has in a long time (I realize this could be a jealousy thing and of course the next guy could be in the picture which would explain her mood and willingness to exit, as well). It's hard to see her in an upbeat mood. It's hard to see her in a sad mood. It seems to change by the day. One day she's depressed. Another day she's chipper and happy. She's doing our laundry today. Not just hers. Mine too. Regardless...doesn't matter to me since she is still drinking...
Which has started for the day again btw.
Again, no big deal, every cracked beer reminds me of why we are here and doing what we are doing. Even if she "moderates" one day that doesn't mean the next will be the same, and as a person who is fortunate enough to be able to moderate, I still know better than making every day of the week (except the really bad hangover days) a drinking day. Just not good for ya even if you don't have a problem!
I certainly know enough to know I never want to go through this again, with her or anyone. She I think knows that too. There's nothing to talk about if alcohol, even in moderation, is off the table. I've learned it's all or nothing with her and we both know she's nowhere near ready for "nothing". I will be her silent cheerleader from afar and hope for happiness and good health for her.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
Until she's gone though, this will be tough. Another night she just disappeared. Same story for the last 10 days, staying with friends, won't be out late, then home early the next morning.
I realize classic other guy pattern, don't care...but especially don't want her using this place as a hotel if she's got spots to shack up.
Reasonable for me to tell her to pack up and stay where ever she has been until she has a new place then come back for her dog and stuff? Or am I just feeding into the drama and more fun to argue?
Trying to detach but getting irritated at her behavior now.
I realize classic other guy pattern, don't care...but especially don't want her using this place as a hotel if she's got spots to shack up.
Reasonable for me to tell her to pack up and stay where ever she has been until she has a new place then come back for her dog and stuff? Or am I just feeding into the drama and more fun to argue?
Trying to detach but getting irritated at her behavior now.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
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You may need to set up boundaries for your own sake. And her not staying there and using it as a hotel as you said may be the first boundary. Make sure when you set boundaries they are for your sake and not to try to control someone else's behavior.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Well, do you have any way to MAKE her leave? You might need to check with a lawyer on that one. Even if the lease/deed is in your name alone you might need to go through formal eviction proceedings.
I'd find out what my rights are before making unenforceable ultimatums.
I'd find out what my rights are before making unenforceable ultimatums.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Didn't you have a hard time kicking her out last time? Changed the locks, police were called, and you were forced to let her back in? Honestly I think she's pushing your buttons and baiting you at this point knowing you can't kick her out. No more Mr Nice Guy! She's being facetious "I won't be out late tee hee" knowing she's shacking up somewhere. Why can't she go to one of those weekly rent hotels instead of using your hotel for free? It's almost the end of the month, I'd tell her she needs to be out by then and if she doesn't have an apt by then she can go to a weekly place and you'll keep the dog/stuff until she signs a lease somewhere. She's PLAYING you!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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I appreciate the good advice here as always.
Obviously the less stressful thing for ME is just for her to go quietly. I guess I should be thankful for the nights she is not here, there is peace. It is her legal residence after all, I just get a little irritated when she obviously has one or more places to lay her head overnight but still occasionally comes here when she needs to. I shouldn't expect her to do the right thing, but the right thing in that case (you've got somewhere else to crash) is to crash there, look for a new place to live, come home when it's time to pack.
She did come home at some point last night (I was already asleep, trying to get to bed earlier). Didn't hear her. But the next phase has started - There was a note of love and apology (for wrecking the relationship) waiting for me on the table this morning.
Obviously the less stressful thing for ME is just for her to go quietly. I guess I should be thankful for the nights she is not here, there is peace. It is her legal residence after all, I just get a little irritated when she obviously has one or more places to lay her head overnight but still occasionally comes here when she needs to. I shouldn't expect her to do the right thing, but the right thing in that case (you've got somewhere else to crash) is to crash there, look for a new place to live, come home when it's time to pack.
She did come home at some point last night (I was already asleep, trying to get to bed earlier). Didn't hear her. But the next phase has started - There was a note of love and apology (for wrecking the relationship) waiting for me on the table this morning.
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