absofsteel26

Hello there, I'm new to the board! I've been married to my alcoholic husband for 1 year now but we have been together almost 5 years.
As I read through these posts, I feel a sense of hope that there are SO many other people out there who understand my situation. I am thankful that I am now finally feeling as if I am not alone.
Here is my situation and the question I am facing. I am 7 months pregnant with our first child together. I work in the healthcare field and work a lot of evening shifts. When my husband drinks.....he tends to fall asleep and can not be woken. I have come home on at least 3 occasions to food burning in the oven and a legitimate fear that he may someday start the house on fire.
I am terrified to leave our baby in his care while I am at work. The problem is....we need the money. I am only working part time as it is and for the few days a week I am working, I can't afford to pay for childcare while I am at work. I am attending school as well in hopes of getting a better paying job within a few years. I have tried talking to my husband about my fears but also know that piling more guilt on him has the opposite effect of my hope. I will be attending my first al-anon meeting tomorrow but need to start getting a plan in place on how I am going to deal with this particular issue.
My husband is an amazing father and has 2 children with his first wife, and we have them 50% of the time . So far they have been rather ignorant of their dad's issue but I know it is only a matter of time. I know I can't protect them from the truth of this issue but I HAVE to protect them from the physical harm it could cause if he were to blackout when I am not home.
Also, he is hiding alcohol from me in the house and garage. I know he feels shame and this is his way to cover it up but I don't know the best way to confront this issue. I hate being lied to and I am scared because his old habit of drinking 3 beers at night has turned into sneaking into the basement and drinking whiskey. I feel like if I confront it again, it will only cause it to get worse.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

D122y

I am an alcoholic father. I drank for the first 12 years of my son's life. My wife works the mid shift and I would be in care of my son while wasted.

My wife prayed for me, yelled at me. Nothing worked until I was ready to get sober.

I suggest you get a camera system installed. You can monitor these from your phone. If you see a problem, call a friend, the fire department, or the cops.

An external fire alarm (outside the house) would wake the neibors if there were a fire.

ADT would also be an option for fires. Hire a baby sitter to drop in for a short time each day to check on things. This would keep the cost down and make sure everything is fine.

I sense you love your husband. You are right terrible things could happen.

Hope this helps.

LexieCat

I don't think leaving your husband in charge of children of any age is a responsible thing to do. The other kids' mom should know what is going on. I'd let her know--I'd sure want to know if my kids were being neglected by their drunk father so I could make sure any visitation was supervised.

And having cameras, a security service, or a "drop in" babysitter are not good solutions, either. It's not fair to expect a babysitter to deal with an unreliable drunk.

Could you maybe trade off childcare with another mom in your area, or even someone at work who works a different shift? I would worry about protecting your child rather than worrying about "piling guilt" on your husband. If he feels guilty, that's because he SHOULD feel guilty. You don't have to berate him, but you should make it clear you cannot trust him to be responsible for the kids.

AnvilheadII

would you hire a babysitter if you KNEW she drank while watching your kids??? do NOT let him be in charge of tending children - i agree that the other mom DESERVES to know, even if that means ole Superdad loses time with his kids. he's pissing that time away as it is....you will have to get creative and find other child care arrangements for your coming baby. because what could happen with the current option could be tragic.

absofsteel26

He is never left alone with his other 2 children . My schedule was set up so that I was home the nights he had them. Now we will have our child 100% of the time and that was where my dilemma comes in. My child will always be my first priority as his 2 children have been.
Not to be rude, but you have no idea of the situation with the other children's mom and or the fact as if having them be with her would be a better option.
Everything I have read in regards to dealing with an alcoholic and all the interactions I have had with my husband since realizing his problem....tell you to be careful how you approach. That's all I meant. I will not put any children at risk as they are number 1. However, I can guarantee my husband is dealing with a lot of shame and guilt and is beating himself up. My heart breaks for his struggle and I know he can't stay the victim and has to make a choice to come out of this.....we are working in it. I appreciate the first response from someone with practical advice. I am also going to try and make sure there is coverage for the nights I have to work. I was just looking for guidance and not really for someone to make me think my husband is a loser who doesn't deserve to be around his kids. As that is the furthest thing from the case. Let Him who is without sin cast the first stone.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome to the board! Please know, a lot of people here have witnessed children go through some awful things, and are scared of that happening. It does sound like an alarming situation. It's not out of meanness that they would get hurt, I am sure. However, not being able to be woken up could lead to scary things happening, as you well know.

I like the idea of maybe finding someone to trade with for sitting. That has worked for me in the past. I tried to do it myself with my kids, and it was hard. There came I time I had to suck up my pride and ask for help from other people, and that was OK.

I would say that you are right. He is likely dealing with shame and guilt, and many times that creates the circle of chaos b/c they then self medicate in reaction to that. Please take good care of yourself and the kids. My X usto do the same, drink a couple beers then hide whiskey in the car, in the garage, once I found it buried outside in some dirt LOL. Eventually for my own sanity I had to stop looking.

Many hugs to you. There are loads of people who have been just where you are here at SR and will give you very good support. You are not alone, keep posting!

LexieCat

Nobody here was suggesting his drinking is a "sin"--I'm a sober alcoholic, myself, so trust me, I'm not judging him for being alcoholic, but we ARE responsible for our actions, drunk or sober. And as between protecting kids or making him "feel bad" it's a no-brainer.

I still say the other kids' mom has a right to know. Even if you are there to protect them from physical harm, if he's passed out or drunk much of the time they are there, it's harmful to them. She has a right to know, just as you would if it were your child.

We are all talking from experience with this disease. You asked for feedback, and you will get our honest opinions--not unkindly, but frankly.

And as far as your husband's "shame and guilt" go, those are terrific motivators for getting sober. I never heard of an alcoholic who was feeling good about him/herself going to the trouble of getting sober. I'm not for a minute suggesting you go out of your way to make him feel like crap, but if he does feel like crap because his life IS crap, you aren't doing him any favors by making it look better than it is.

absofsteel26

I understand this. As I stated in in my first post, I am new to the site.....I will be attending my 1st al-anon meeting tomorrow. That probably signals to you where I am at myself....I am terrified. I'm a year into marriage and realizing that I am not married to someone who struggles with alcohol but is a full blown addict. I am feeling blessed that I have the tools and knowledge to accept that I need to get my own life figured out outside of his addiction and am choosing not to live in denial of the situation pretty early on.
I am not looking for people to feed me lies and tell me everything will all be roses. I did however, come here for support from people who understand what it's like to be married to an addict. I see from numerous of your posts Lexicat that you are a to the point person. I get it. Today I need compassion, today I need encouragment.....I need guidance and truth as well and do agree that it has been spoken in this thread. What I don't need is some one calling my husband "superdad" in and sarcastic tone or telling me that he should feel guilty. I agree....he should.... I agree that him feeling shame is a good sign as it at least signifies that he is not indifferent to his problem.
I have seen addiction in all forms all what it can do to a family. I will protect my kids. Addiction sucks as I am sure everyone here agrees. My husband doesn't drink while the kids are awake....he waits until they go to bed. He has never been verbally,physically or emotionally abusive to me because of alcohol. His kids have no idea. Could that change in the future....absolutely. Do I need to start working on a back up plan for myself and children.....absolutely. I am not living with my head in the sand. I will sacrifice EVERYTHING for my children ( my own on the way and the 2 from his previous marriage). I do however....love my husband, KNOW he is a good dad and know that at least at this point....he hates his addiction. We are working on it.
I am taking it one day at a time.

Thanks for all the advice. I will take what works and leave what doesn't. I would just remind that unless you know a whole situation....be careful not to add personal judgements of someone's character.

ladyscribbler

A few years ago, I was in a similar position as you. When I was 7 months pregnant he cut his hand open so badly that he needed almost 30 stitches to close it. He was too drunk to call 911 himself and would have bled to death if he hadn't wandered into the bedroom and woken me up. The day after we brought our son home from the hospital my ex passed out drunk in the kitchen with his head in the dog's water dish. I've lived everything you're describing- almost burning the house down trying to cook, passing out while I was at work (I worked 5-8 on week nights). I was so lucky nothing truly horrible happened. There were a few close calls. Like once when he forgot to shut the baby gate before he passed out on the couch and I came home to find our son had crawled to the top of the concrete steps down to the basement and was just sitting there.
Of course I didn't have the strength or sense to leave. I wanted him to just get sober so that everything could be all right. It's hard to even share those things, I still feel so much shame for endangering my child. I was extremely lucky not to have lost him, either through death or injury, or intervention by child welfare.
I felt trapped, but the truth was, I just didn't like my options. So I focused all my energy on "solutions" that revolved around making my ex get sober. I finally left, five years later than I should have, and the only thing that changed was his alcoholism, abuse and neglectful, dangerous behavior getting progressively worse.
I thought we were different. Our situation, our love was so special. We survived a war together. No way alcohol was going to beat us. I couldn't have been more wrong.
I'm not sitting in judgement. I've been you. That's why I have to swallow my shame right now and speak my piece. Please keep an open mind about what you hear on this board. If something makes you feel defensive or angry, it's probably hitting closer to home than you'd like to admit. Build a support system. This might sound nuts, but can you reach out to his other children's mother? She was in your situation, twice actually. I know you're feeling protective of your husband, but he is a grown man making his own choices. There's no perfect way to approach him that guarantees the outcome you want. Believe me, I tried it all. He is still drinking.

Refiner

This sentence you wrote stood out to me:

"Well, thiI can guarantee my husband is dealing with a lot of shame and guilt and is beating himself up. My heart breaks for his struggle and I know he can't stay the victim and has to make a choice to come out of this.....we are working in it."

The fact that you have not only joined this site for support for YOU but have also made the decision to go to al anon is a HUGE kudos! Your statement "we are working on it" concerned me, bc as you know, only he can choose not to stay the victim and has to make a choice to come out of it. And the same is to be said of you. I give you many high fives to make actual steps towards SOMETHING and pray that he will begin to do the same.

ladyscribbler

Yes, thank you refiner. I meant to mention this in my novel of a post. I didn't start Alanon until after I left him. It was bad enough that I had to leave our son with him to go to work, I really couldn't justify leaving him any other time, not even for a trip to the grocery store. I had to work because we needed the money, though most of our financial woes were the result of him spending up to a third of our income every month on drinking.
Alanon helped me a lot. I hope you have a good meeting tomorrow. I hated my first meeting, but I found one that was a good fit my second meeting. Take care, and check out the stickies at the top of the forum home page. I was really ignorant about alcoholism and those threads provide an excellent, if rather sad, education. Friends and Family of Substance Abusers also has some really good ones.

BoxinRotz

I just want you to know that these alcoholics are their own victims. They can stop when They are ready. I would never leave Pappy in charge of our granddaughter. He can play with her all he wants but I'm her primary when she's here for 3-4 days. Heck, some days I don't trust that he's fed n cared for the dogs. But the baby.... Never would I expect him to,be capable of dealing with her.

LexieCat

Believe me, I know where you're coming from. I was in two marriages to alcoholics before my own drinking crept up on me later in life. One almost died and is still drinking himself to death, the other has been continuously sober for 35 years. Nothing *I* did made any difference in what THEY did. Going to Al-Anon, OTOH, helped me clear my head so I could look at things realistically and make good decisions for myself.

Keep reading and posting here, and keep an open mind. As ladyscribbler noted, some of the things that are most uncomfortable to hear are the ones we most need to hear.

Let me ask you something, though, what is it that makes you think he's ready to quit drinking? He may well be, but what makes you THINK he is? I'm asking, because part of the whole alcoholism deal is a lot of lying and manipulation to protect the addiction. You can encourage him to get help, but you can't do it FOR him. At some point if he is going to get sober he needs to drag his sorry butt to a doctor, a rehab, or an AA meeting (or all of the above). HE has to get humble and realize this is a desperate situation. People can and do die of this disease every day. One of our members lost her husband just a few days ago. It is fatal, and it is progressive. And it is hell on family members--especially children, who have no choice in the matter.