Sexuality... A bit OT.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Sexuality... A bit OT.
I consider many of you as valuable friends. So I wanted an honest opinion on this.
I am 21, I have never had sex. The only guy (so far) I ever thought of making love with was exabf. I didn't, but we did made out a couple of times and I feel guilty/remorseful about this.
I want to clarify that I'm not a virgin for religious reasons, even tho I believe in the 5 precepts of Buddhism.
I haven't had sex because I want to do it with someone I feel safe with; both sexually and emotionally. I see sex as some type of special bond that I don't want to make with someone that might be disloyal, might me lying about himself to me, or might be just trying to mark me down as a conquest.
I loved exab. And I felt loved, for a little while. But... The trust with him was eventually (rapidly? ) lost. So I tried to make it work before I gave in on that sense.
My question is... well, he did told me that he wanted to marry me and have kids and that he never felt that with any of his exes (they were all addicts or stuff like that). I really believed on those words. He knew I needed to be sure of us, because I told him I needed to trust him fully. Did I make a mistake in any of this? Perhaps he thought I would eventually gave in?
And, what if all guys dump me for not having sex with them? I don't want someone to "love" me for sex...
I am 21, I have never had sex. The only guy (so far) I ever thought of making love with was exabf. I didn't, but we did made out a couple of times and I feel guilty/remorseful about this.
I want to clarify that I'm not a virgin for religious reasons, even tho I believe in the 5 precepts of Buddhism.
I haven't had sex because I want to do it with someone I feel safe with; both sexually and emotionally. I see sex as some type of special bond that I don't want to make with someone that might be disloyal, might me lying about himself to me, or might be just trying to mark me down as a conquest.
I loved exab. And I felt loved, for a little while. But... The trust with him was eventually (rapidly? ) lost. So I tried to make it work before I gave in on that sense.
My question is... well, he did told me that he wanted to marry me and have kids and that he never felt that with any of his exes (they were all addicts or stuff like that). I really believed on those words. He knew I needed to be sure of us, because I told him I needed to trust him fully. Did I make a mistake in any of this? Perhaps he thought I would eventually gave in?
And, what if all guys dump me for not having sex with them? I don't want someone to "love" me for sex...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think your ex was a highly manipulative jerk, who was telling you what he knew you wanted to hear.
Believe me, he isn't representative of men in general. There are guys like that besides him, and not all of them are alcoholics.
You just have to take your time, and see how men really treat you. Not just their words, but whether they are interested in you, what you think, your goals. Do they put you first--at least some of the time? (Sometimes you should be putting them first--the point is, it should be give and take, not one person giving and the other taking all the time.)
I think as long as you go slow, you will get to know someone well enough to be able to trust him when it comes to making the decision whether to have an intimate relationship with him.
Don't get me wrong--most guys DO want sex, and if a relationship progresses for a long time without prospect of sex, many of them--even the good guys--will eventually lose patience. But most of the good guys will be willing to wait until you feel safe and comfortable.
Believe me, he isn't representative of men in general. There are guys like that besides him, and not all of them are alcoholics.
You just have to take your time, and see how men really treat you. Not just their words, but whether they are interested in you, what you think, your goals. Do they put you first--at least some of the time? (Sometimes you should be putting them first--the point is, it should be give and take, not one person giving and the other taking all the time.)
I think as long as you go slow, you will get to know someone well enough to be able to trust him when it comes to making the decision whether to have an intimate relationship with him.
Don't get me wrong--most guys DO want sex, and if a relationship progresses for a long time without prospect of sex, many of them--even the good guys--will eventually lose patience. But most of the good guys will be willing to wait until you feel safe and comfortable.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Timetoheal.......I've gotta say that I agree with Lexie's assesment..
LOL...I think it is fair to say that we are two ladies who are a good bit your senior and we have both been around the block a time or two in the dealings with men.
So he said he wanted to get married and have children.....honey, young, horney guys will tell you ANYTHING they think you want to hear if they want sex.
Words are cheap. The only way to know the difference is to watch their actions over a period of time and in many different circumstances.
There are a lot of men in this world ----about one and one half billion. There will be someone who is compatable with what you want. You are still very young and no where near ready for a lifetime committment.
You are getting your education and developing yourself as a person. That should come first for any young woman.
This guy has become a stone who is dragging you down. His actions did not match his words.
I know that you father has been abusive and that you have feelings of guilt around your own sexual behavior, self esteem and relationships. This is certainly something that can be worked on in individual therapy.
Now would be the time to do this....
YES, you did the right thing. When you find that a guy isn't compatable with what you want....drop him. He is not the guy for you.
Any guy that is right for you will wait until you are comfortable.
dandylion
LOL...I think it is fair to say that we are two ladies who are a good bit your senior and we have both been around the block a time or two in the dealings with men.
So he said he wanted to get married and have children.....honey, young, horney guys will tell you ANYTHING they think you want to hear if they want sex.
Words are cheap. The only way to know the difference is to watch their actions over a period of time and in many different circumstances.
There are a lot of men in this world ----about one and one half billion. There will be someone who is compatable with what you want. You are still very young and no where near ready for a lifetime committment.
You are getting your education and developing yourself as a person. That should come first for any young woman.
This guy has become a stone who is dragging you down. His actions did not match his words.
I know that you father has been abusive and that you have feelings of guilt around your own sexual behavior, self esteem and relationships. This is certainly something that can be worked on in individual therapy.
Now would be the time to do this....
YES, you did the right thing. When you find that a guy isn't compatable with what you want....drop him. He is not the guy for you.
Any guy that is right for you will wait until you are comfortable.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Well, but he was 25 when we first met, and now he is 27, he isn't that young, is he?
As for the marriage and Kids stuff, he said it one day while we were walking down the street... I mean, he didn't say it while kissing or something... Or am I just too naive? Am I still lying to myself about him?
As for the rest, I guess that someone who respects me and respects himself will not pressure me and deny it, he would be upfront about what he wants from me and he would be honest and caring... I just feel a bit skeptical about finding someone who has everything I want in a person...
But... yes, my main goal isn't to find a guy. My main goal is college. My career. Being happy. Staying balanced... believing in myself...
As for the marriage and Kids stuff, he said it one day while we were walking down the street... I mean, he didn't say it while kissing or something... Or am I just too naive? Am I still lying to myself about him?
As for the rest, I guess that someone who respects me and respects himself will not pressure me and deny it, he would be upfront about what he wants from me and he would be honest and caring... I just feel a bit skeptical about finding someone who has everything I want in a person...
But... yes, my main goal isn't to find a guy. My main goal is college. My career. Being happy. Staying balanced... believing in myself...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Look, there is never any guarantee that the man you choose won't hurt you. You can have the best judgment in the world and still get hurt. That's one of the risks of life, and love in general.
Getting hurt doesn't mean you're worthless or stupid. The thing is, your ex knew enough of what would sound good to you to keep stringing you along, and his plan was for you to trust him enough to let him have his way. This sort of thing happens to almost every woman if she dates enough.
And if you HAD slept with him, it wouldn't have been the end of the world, either. The majority of women these days don't marry or have a lifetime relationship with the first man they have sex with. I know you want it to be "special" and I hope that it is for you, but you aren't "damaged goods" if someone breaks up with you after you thought he was special.
Be careful, but don't be afraid to live, either. Give yourself some time to process what's been going on in your life, but you don't have to be afraid to go out and meet someone nice.
Getting hurt doesn't mean you're worthless or stupid. The thing is, your ex knew enough of what would sound good to you to keep stringing you along, and his plan was for you to trust him enough to let him have his way. This sort of thing happens to almost every woman if she dates enough.
And if you HAD slept with him, it wouldn't have been the end of the world, either. The majority of women these days don't marry or have a lifetime relationship with the first man they have sex with. I know you want it to be "special" and I hope that it is for you, but you aren't "damaged goods" if someone breaks up with you after you thought he was special.
Be careful, but don't be afraid to live, either. Give yourself some time to process what's been going on in your life, but you don't have to be afraid to go out and meet someone nice.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Timetoheal.....well, "young" and "old" are relative terms. In terms of what you are talking about (sex)....yes, 25 and 27 is young for a man's sexual development. A majority of men at that age where procreation is a strong biologic urge---see the world through a thick testosterone filter. It is their own psychological and social development that determines how they manage these biologically rooted urges.
And, yes, I think you are somewhat naieve, in the matter of male behaviors.
Men aren't going to just blurt out---"I want sex".....but, most all of them do want it.
A mature male will adjust to the needs and realities of the relationship and the cultural norms....and self regulate his biologic urges accordingly.
Look---he may have had a thought that he would like marriage and children ---but, that didn't mean that he was prepared for it....
I think you have a lot of issues tied into this. I think that the demise of this one relationship has brought to the surface many of your other insecurities and fears.
Perhaps, these---fear of abandonment, fears of not being "good enough", a strong need to protect yourself from ever being hurt again, maybe you think that this attention from him was the best that it could ever get--and, you will never have that again, ect, ect.....
You may think that just because this "hurt" for more than a minute....that it was the wrong decision.
It was the right decision. The entire forum agrees that it was the right decision.
Trust that you made the right decision on this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You ARE young.....and, as life goes on, we learn to trust ourselves by the experience of living.
If you continue to torture yourself as much as you seem to....you really do need to be in a support group of other peers and to work on these issues in a therapeutic situation......It is not normal for a young woman to be so tortured by self-conflict.
I am saying these things as an older woman who has seen a lot of life---and, I want to help you.
I hope you are listening.....
dandylion
And, yes, I think you are somewhat naieve, in the matter of male behaviors.
Men aren't going to just blurt out---"I want sex".....but, most all of them do want it.
A mature male will adjust to the needs and realities of the relationship and the cultural norms....and self regulate his biologic urges accordingly.
Look---he may have had a thought that he would like marriage and children ---but, that didn't mean that he was prepared for it....
I think you have a lot of issues tied into this. I think that the demise of this one relationship has brought to the surface many of your other insecurities and fears.
Perhaps, these---fear of abandonment, fears of not being "good enough", a strong need to protect yourself from ever being hurt again, maybe you think that this attention from him was the best that it could ever get--and, you will never have that again, ect, ect.....
You may think that just because this "hurt" for more than a minute....that it was the wrong decision.
It was the right decision. The entire forum agrees that it was the right decision.
Trust that you made the right decision on this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You ARE young.....and, as life goes on, we learn to trust ourselves by the experience of living.
If you continue to torture yourself as much as you seem to....you really do need to be in a support group of other peers and to work on these issues in a therapeutic situation......It is not normal for a young woman to be so tortured by self-conflict.
I am saying these things as an older woman who has seen a lot of life---and, I want to help you.
I hope you are listening.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I just want to chime in that the right guy will respect your decision about sex. He'll support it, and stay right by your side til you are dang good and ready. Hell, he may even share the same idea.
He won't try and bargain all the time, he won't try and sweet talk while dragging you to the bedroom, he won't be always trying and get you in the mood, and he won't come up with a bunch of excuses to why it needs to happen.
Don't compromise how you feel on that for anyone! This is a really really great part of you and someone will love you for it. Promise!
He won't try and bargain all the time, he won't try and sweet talk while dragging you to the bedroom, he won't be always trying and get you in the mood, and he won't come up with a bunch of excuses to why it needs to happen.
Don't compromise how you feel on that for anyone! This is a really really great part of you and someone will love you for it. Promise!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by dandylion 
I think you have a lot of issues tied into this. I think that the demise of this one relationship has brought to the surface many of your other insecurities and fears.
Perhaps, these---fear of abandonment, fears of not being "good enough", a strong need to protect yourself from ever being hurt again, maybe you think that this attention from him was the best that it could ever get--and, you will never have that again, ect, ect.....
You may think that just because this "hurt" for more than a minute....that it was the wrong decision.
It was the right decision. The entire forum agrees that it was the right decision.
Trust that you made the right decision on this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perhaps, these---fear of abandonment, fears of not being "good enough", a strong need to protect yourself from ever being hurt again, maybe you think that this attention from him was the best that it could ever get--and, you will never have that again, ect, ect.....
You may think that just because this "hurt" for more than a minute....that it was the wrong decision.
It was the right decision. The entire forum agrees that it was the right decision.
Trust that you made the right decision on this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks everyone for your support. As I was reading all of your comments, I cried. Specially on this part (the one I quoted above this).
Yes. I not only see his "attention" as the best, I see him (somehow, sometimes still, but not all the time like before) as the only man I would love that way. That scares me.
Seeing how easy it was for him to threw me away, yes, it hurt.
And yes, I am hurt because of my father's abandonment. I mean, he has always been here at home, but he never really was present, I think many of you know what I'm trying to say, and you know it well.
I haven't dated anyone not because I want to wait for my ex or anything... I haven't dated anyone because I feel inadequate. I feel as if everything I do is wrong; and yes, I feel like no one deserves (not at least a good/strong/intelligent man) to be with a girl who sees herself as someone who isn't capable and valuable. So I want to fix myself before I go into anything.
I am too hard on myself and I know it, but it is just the way I am, I guess. I am already on therapy, and it is truly helping. I have been able to look myself in the eyes and recognise who I am, what my issues are and why is that I need to work on them... But, I guess, well, I lost the point of what I was trying to explain in here, sorry, lol, I'm all over the place.
Thank you!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I am sooo pleased that you are engaged in therapy. It is the best thing you can do for yourself!
I am also glad to hear that you see the wisdom in getting your own "ducks in a row" before getting into another serious relationship.
The more together and healthier you are (emotionally)...the more likely that you will be attracted to quality guys and that they will be drawn to you. (you will see...lol).
Trust me...when you, in the future, are involved with the right kind of guy...you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in this ex!!!!!!!
dandylion
I am also glad to hear that you see the wisdom in getting your own "ducks in a row" before getting into another serious relationship.
The more together and healthier you are (emotionally)...the more likely that you will be attracted to quality guys and that they will be drawn to you. (you will see...lol).
Trust me...when you, in the future, are involved with the right kind of guy...you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in this ex!!!!!!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
It takes so much courage to look in the mirror at yourself, decide you want to make changes, and then make them, or seek help in making them as you are doing.
Congratulations to you on all your accomplishments, I know you are going to have a wonderful successful life just seeing how your attitude has been in what has to be one of the most difficult times in your life.
Sorry you are going through this.
Congratulations to you on all your accomplishments, I know you are going to have a wonderful successful life just seeing how your attitude has been in what has to be one of the most difficult times in your life.
Sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by TryGuy
It takes so much courage to look in the mirror at yourself, decide you want to make changes, and then make them, or seek help in making them as you are doing.
TimetoHeal, I have tremendous respect for how you conducted yourself. You made the right decision, which shows that you CAN trust yourself and your instincts. Keep on that path.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Timetoheal, and pleased to "meet" you 
I will put in my .02 as a guy.
No.
That's the short answer
I would say good riddance to all those guys.
Here's how I see your situation. You have the self-respect to stick to your needs and beliefs _in spite_ of getting all that presure from the guy you love. That is _awesome_. There is nothing more attractive than a strong woman who can stand up for herself.
Any guy who fails to respect your wishes in something as important as sex is not worth keeping around. A relationship is all about respect. Total respect, not 50% respect, not sometimes respect. 100% respect 100% of the time.
Absolutely yes. Anything less is just animal behavior. Any man that fail to support you in that is just another animal.
You are correct. A relationship has to last almost 100 years, against all the hardships and heartaches that the world will throw at you. If a guy starts out by dis-respecting you _now_, how is he ever going to be of any use to you over the next 100 years?
Oh wow, a woman with brains _and_ guts. You rock.
Depends on where you look, and who you set out to attract. From what you have posted it seems to me like you are doing just fine in keeping away the "garbage" guys. Keep doing what you're doing and the decent guys will start coming around.
When I was your age I met a woman that was much like you. And yes, she laid down the law, nothing physical until after the marriage, and 3 years of living together before she would even answer my marriage proposal. She did not want to hear any promises, she wanted to see proof before she trusted me. I totally fell for her. Like I said, there is nothing in the world as attractive as a strong woman, what is sometimes called a "black belt al-anon"
Yes, we did get married and had a fantastic relationship.
Mike
I will put in my .02 as a guy.
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12
... Did I make a mistake in any of this?...
That's the short answer
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12
... what if all guys dump me for not having sex with them? ...
Here's how I see your situation. You have the self-respect to stick to your needs and beliefs _in spite_ of getting all that presure from the guy you love. That is _awesome_. There is nothing more attractive than a strong woman who can stand up for herself.
Any guy who fails to respect your wishes in something as important as sex is not worth keeping around. A relationship is all about respect. Total respect, not 50% respect, not sometimes respect. 100% respect 100% of the time.
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12
... I see sex as some type of special bond...
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12
... I guess that someone who respects me and respects himself will not pressure me and deny it,...
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12
... my main goal isn't to find a guy. My main goal is college. My career. ...
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12
... I just feel a bit skeptical about finding someone who has everything I want in a person....
When I was your age I met a woman that was much like you. And yes, she laid down the law, nothing physical until after the marriage, and 3 years of living together before she would even answer my marriage proposal. She did not want to hear any promises, she wanted to see proof before she trusted me. I totally fell for her. Like I said, there is nothing in the world as attractive as a strong woman, what is sometimes called a "black belt al-anon"
Yes, we did get married and had a fantastic relationship.
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Thanks everyone : -) your words had a real positive effect on me. I am grateful to you, for your patience and advice. I can say that I am definitely more motivated than ever to keep on working on all those issues, and on respecting myself for who I am.
This forum has been of great support of one of the hardest experiences in my life (so far, it is the hardest).
College has been going great. Family and people around me have noticed that I'm no longer sad. I try my best at college and everything I do, and at the sane time, doing my best is helping me to rebuild my self esteem.
I still need a lot of thinking/work to do about all of this, but thanks... Lexie, Dandy, TryGuy, firebolt, Wisconsin and DesertEyes, everyone on the forum, thanks! :-)))))
This forum has been of great support of one of the hardest experiences in my life (so far, it is the hardest).
College has been going great. Family and people around me have noticed that I'm no longer sad. I try my best at college and everything I do, and at the sane time, doing my best is helping me to rebuild my self esteem.
I still need a lot of thinking/work to do about all of this, but thanks... Lexie, Dandy, TryGuy, firebolt, Wisconsin and DesertEyes, everyone on the forum, thanks! :-)))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Another 2 cents from another guy... I guess that makes us almost a quarter per dozen... used to be a dime but with inflation and all...
Lexie is wise and articulate as usual and I'd listen to her.
There are some guys for whom sex is the objective and others for whom sex is a manifestation of their objective - true intimacy and acceptance but there is no denying the fact that most men want sex... and so do most women.
BUT... if you are honest and sincere and a guy dumps you because he does not want to wait then frankly I hate to do this to the single guys but maybe more women should say that even if it isn't true. Weed out the ones who don't want to wait.
I've been in that situation as a guy a few times in my life. It wasn't on purpose but the four times I can think of where I was told "I'm not going to have sex until I know the time is right" my response once as to honestly tell the girl not to have sex with me - I wasn't in love with her. The other three times my response was "I don't want you to regret a thing so please DON'T say yes until you really mean it". I think most of the ladies here can guess what the identical response was in all three cases but that wasn't my intent. Ask the guy again in a day when all clothes are on and pulses are at normal rate before believing him. Even when we mean well, if I'm being honest (damn you step program, damn you for making me be honest) when a guy is aroused he tends to be very persuasive and our conscience does not function at 100%.
You'll know when the time is right for you. I've seldom heard a woman say "Damn I regret telling that guy no!"
Lexie is wise and articulate as usual and I'd listen to her.
There are some guys for whom sex is the objective and others for whom sex is a manifestation of their objective - true intimacy and acceptance but there is no denying the fact that most men want sex... and so do most women.
BUT... if you are honest and sincere and a guy dumps you because he does not want to wait then frankly I hate to do this to the single guys but maybe more women should say that even if it isn't true. Weed out the ones who don't want to wait.
I've been in that situation as a guy a few times in my life. It wasn't on purpose but the four times I can think of where I was told "I'm not going to have sex until I know the time is right" my response once as to honestly tell the girl not to have sex with me - I wasn't in love with her. The other three times my response was "I don't want you to regret a thing so please DON'T say yes until you really mean it". I think most of the ladies here can guess what the identical response was in all three cases but that wasn't my intent. Ask the guy again in a day when all clothes are on and pulses are at normal rate before believing him. Even when we mean well, if I'm being honest (damn you step program, damn you for making me be honest) when a guy is aroused he tends to be very persuasive and our conscience does not function at 100%.
You'll know when the time is right for you. I've seldom heard a woman say "Damn I regret telling that guy no!"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
As a teen I developed a fixation on sex as a fix for feeling alone; those coupkes looked happy together and I wanted that too. So it happened that I ended up having problems in relationships making sex a condition of emtional closeness.. and if a girl wasnt willing then I wasnt interested.. up to and including breaking up over it. Not that that makes me different somehow, I think there a lot of guys out there with a similar attitude, or worse. Nowadays im a big fan of ChuckC, he talked about sex in his "new pair of glasses" lecture, proposing that sex should be for free and for fun- for both. If its an obligation or an emotional fix for either then maybe its not the right guy or not the right time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 347
as a guy in that age range its very true we want sex. Some of us want more then that and care about more then that. If a guy cares he should be willing to wait.
keep in mind it does take us a while to mature. id say around 26-27 is when i started to. some of us never mature to be honest.
keep in mind it does take us a while to mature. id say around 26-27 is when i started to. some of us never mature to be honest.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Thank you... I wanted to start a new thread but for some reason I couldn't post it, so I will make a little "update" here (it really isn't about sexuality, but it is about the ex).
Maybe I was being too optimistic. Maybe I wasn't and I was just learning how to stay calmed.
I had a nightmare last night in wich my exabf was present. It was weird. In almost a reflex, I woke up and felt the need to check my email.
He's blocked, but his messages (if he does send something ) appear on my garbage can folder.
I was anxious. (I need to work this out as it hurts me, and I already know it, but I saw that there was one message).
It has been like 4 months since he broke up with me, I think. Maybe a little less. The message said he was sorry for the bad stuff he did. He said he had finally found a wonderful girl, and that he is moving to another state in order to be with her. Apparently, they met via Internet and they don't know each other by other thing than messages and pictures, still, he already asked her to be a couple and she agreed.
He said he was thankful for all he learned while with me, and for all the "pure" stuff I gave him.
And that was it.
Oh, how I regret reading that message... but it was my responsibility. Now I feel as if I was just a stepping stone for him.
I just needed to vent. I now have to try to regain some perspective, as the past days were all good and I want to be happy and stop feeling "less than", or unlovable, or like it is my fault, but right now my feelings of having done something wrong surpass me...
Like: "maybe I exaggerated about him contacting his cheating ex while we were still a couple?"
"Maybe he was just immature?"
"Maybe I'm the one with the issue?"
I'm tired of my mind. I'll re-read everything in here in hopes that it will help ease my doubts.
Maybe I was being too optimistic. Maybe I wasn't and I was just learning how to stay calmed.
I had a nightmare last night in wich my exabf was present. It was weird. In almost a reflex, I woke up and felt the need to check my email.
He's blocked, but his messages (if he does send something ) appear on my garbage can folder.
I was anxious. (I need to work this out as it hurts me, and I already know it, but I saw that there was one message).
It has been like 4 months since he broke up with me, I think. Maybe a little less. The message said he was sorry for the bad stuff he did. He said he had finally found a wonderful girl, and that he is moving to another state in order to be with her. Apparently, they met via Internet and they don't know each other by other thing than messages and pictures, still, he already asked her to be a couple and she agreed.
He said he was thankful for all he learned while with me, and for all the "pure" stuff I gave him.
And that was it.
Oh, how I regret reading that message... but it was my responsibility. Now I feel as if I was just a stepping stone for him.
I just needed to vent. I now have to try to regain some perspective, as the past days were all good and I want to be happy and stop feeling "less than", or unlovable, or like it is my fault, but right now my feelings of having done something wrong surpass me...
Like: "maybe I exaggerated about him contacting his cheating ex while we were still a couple?"
"Maybe he was just immature?"
"Maybe I'm the one with the issue?"
I'm tired of my mind. I'll re-read everything in here in hopes that it will help ease my doubts.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12
I'm tired of my mind. I'll re-read everything in here in hopes that it will help ease my doubts.
Just like alcoholism, other issues (like this one) can't necessarily be thought through. Sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and trust that you are going to be fine. You have all the KNOWLEDGE you need--you just have to start living your life and revisit it when you need to.
One of my favorite AA sayings: "It's easier to act your way into right thinking than it is to think your way into right acting."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Maybe it's time to give your mind a BREAK and go do something fun, that you enjoy just for the sake of doing it.
Just like alcoholism, other issues (like this one) can't necessarily be thought through. Sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and trust that you are going to be fine. You have all the KNOWLEDGE you need--you just have to start living your life and revisit it when you need to.
One of my favorite AA sayings: "It's easier to act your way into right thinking than it is to think your way into right acting."
Just like alcoholism, other issues (like this one) can't necessarily be thought through. Sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and trust that you are going to be fine. You have all the KNOWLEDGE you need--you just have to start living your life and revisit it when you need to.
One of my favorite AA sayings: "It's easier to act your way into right thinking than it is to think your way into right acting."
I know this sounds odd because I'm very young still, but I feel bitter in that sense.
I do have fun by doing some stuff, but not like crazy fun were I was happy and forgot about everything... I haven't had that type of fun in a long time.
Maybe I am not letting myself be because I'm scared of all, and because I feel I ruined this (the relationship).
Ahh, it is weird, but I know what you are saying. So I will try.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
