Frustrated with my sister!!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Monroe
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Frustrated with my sister!!
Hello, I am new to this forum and am looking for some advice on how to communicate or continue to have a relationship with my sister.
A little bit of back ground. I am 42 my sister is 46. She has been a sever addict for a few years (from what we know) but a heavy drinker since she was 15 as well as drug use. She recently went to another state for treatment and was gone for 40 days. Throughout the process when she would communicate with our Mom she complained about the entire process. I realize this is very typical but even after the 40 days she continues to complain instead of embracing the gift of treatment that she received.
During her time in treatment I reached out to my niece (18 yrs) and nephew (23 yrs) to let them know that I am thinking of them and if there is anything that I can do during this time. I share short texting communication with my niece who is extremely mad at her mom and let her know that I completely understand her feelings.
The household that my sister lives in, in general is very unhealthy. Lots of drugs and alcohol consumed by everyone there and they are all quite mean to my sister. Anyway, after my sister returned home from her treatment she sent me a text saying she heard I talked to her daughter while she was in treatment her comment was "it didn't help, Thanks!"
I was so offended and disgusted by this attempt to scold me. I really have put up with this from her for years and I have reached my max. I returned the text saying that I indeed reached out to my niece and was not sure what the problem was. I have not heard from her since. Although she seems to have a lot to say to our Mom about me. That she didn't appreciate me talking to my niece and that I could at least call her.
So I need some advice. I am steaming mad but I don't need to jeopardize her sobriety just to make myself feel better. I have an extremely loving and healthy life, if not having a relationship with my sister is best for both of us I suppose I can do that. But if not, do I call her out on her behavior toward me when I was the one disparately trying to get her into treatment? Or do I sweep it all under the rug and reach out to her?
A little bit of back ground. I am 42 my sister is 46. She has been a sever addict for a few years (from what we know) but a heavy drinker since she was 15 as well as drug use. She recently went to another state for treatment and was gone for 40 days. Throughout the process when she would communicate with our Mom she complained about the entire process. I realize this is very typical but even after the 40 days she continues to complain instead of embracing the gift of treatment that she received.
During her time in treatment I reached out to my niece (18 yrs) and nephew (23 yrs) to let them know that I am thinking of them and if there is anything that I can do during this time. I share short texting communication with my niece who is extremely mad at her mom and let her know that I completely understand her feelings.
The household that my sister lives in, in general is very unhealthy. Lots of drugs and alcohol consumed by everyone there and they are all quite mean to my sister. Anyway, after my sister returned home from her treatment she sent me a text saying she heard I talked to her daughter while she was in treatment her comment was "it didn't help, Thanks!"
I was so offended and disgusted by this attempt to scold me. I really have put up with this from her for years and I have reached my max. I returned the text saying that I indeed reached out to my niece and was not sure what the problem was. I have not heard from her since. Although she seems to have a lot to say to our Mom about me. That she didn't appreciate me talking to my niece and that I could at least call her.
So I need some advice. I am steaming mad but I don't need to jeopardize her sobriety just to make myself feel better. I have an extremely loving and healthy life, if not having a relationship with my sister is best for both of us I suppose I can do that. But if not, do I call her out on her behavior toward me when I was the one disparately trying to get her into treatment? Or do I sweep it all under the rug and reach out to her?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Sounds EXACTLY like something my A sister would do (supposedly sober now), but she's NPD. Took me YEARS to figure out her issues with being like this. I finally had to go NO CONTACT with her. If she's got even an inkling of NPD in her, then there is NO WAY you will WIN no matter what. Everything is in it to WIN with them... and she feeds off the drama she causes. The best thing you can do is totally ignore her and her little rants to you. I finally had to give up on EVER having a relationship with my dear nephew, who is only 13 (and has Down syndrome), since she would always have to be "in the relationship mix" with him. At least your neice and nephew can be considered adults leading their own lives with you and she won't need to triangulate as she's doing here. Oh, she'll TRY I'm sure... but they'll at least have choices!
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Originally Posted by tlaurose 
But if not, do I call her out on her behavior toward me when I was the one disparately trying to get her into treatment? Or do I sweep it all under the rug and reach out to her?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by tlaurose
Thank you Refiner....I like I said I am new here and new to this. What is NPD?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Here you go... take a look at this one and let us know what you think.Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Alcohol Rehab
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Your sister probably came home and got an earful from daughter, so she blames you. I don't know that you have to cut her off forever, but for right now you don't owe her anything. If she actually DOES work a recovery program she'll probably eventually reach out to you and possibly then you can mend your relationship. For right now, I'd just keep a good, healthy distance from her. I hope you can continue to have a relationship with your niece.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
If she actually DOES work a recovery program she'll probably eventually reach out to you and possibly then you can mend your relationship.
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I'm inclined to say let it go, though I don't think anything you do or say could "jeopardize her sobriety". The way you describe her attitude toward rehab, and her attitude afterwards, makes me suspect she's already using again.
Either way I think it was wonderful of you to contact your niece and nephew. They may be adults, but just barely. This must be hell for them. Having someone who loves them and supports them is so important.
Either way I think it was wonderful of you to contact your niece and nephew. They may be adults, but just barely. This must be hell for them. Having someone who loves them and supports them is so important.
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Alanon has been a gift to me. I'm learning how to deal with alcoholic situations without being pulled into them. Detaching was easier than "with love", but now I'm seeing how that with love part can work miracles in my life.
Google alanon meetings for a list in your area, if you're willing.
Google alanon meetings for a list in your area, if you're willing.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Monroe
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your support and advice. I am aware of Alanon - my husband grew up with an alcoholic mom so I married a Dry Alcoholic. Took us years to work through his issues and therapy but now I understand why he chooses to not have a relationship with his mom. I just never thought I would be living through it with someone in my family. Very sad all the way around. I have decided to let it go and keep my distance for now. If she feels inclined to reach out to me then I will address it at that time. Honestly I am just over everything being about her!! My mom is finally understanding that she has been an enabler by feeling bad for her and justifying poor behavior. She is now holding my sister accountable for her actions and calling her out. Time will tell, or time will heal, or maybe time will create more distance and more resentment...but for now the ball is in her court to reach out to me. It would just be nice if for once in her life she gave a Sh** about me, and my family. Thank you again....so nice to have a place to come rant. My husband gets it but it gets old hearing about it all the time. 
.
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