Dealing with resentments.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Dealing with resentments.....
I am struggling at the moment with resentments towards my AH and my MIL.
I am trying to detach with love BUT it's really hard sometimes when I am still so upset about some of the stuff my AH and his enabling MIL have said/done over the years.
sometimes I am almost more angry at MIL for bringing my husband up in such a dysfunctional family. I do understand why he has issues....however I am doing my best to move forward with my own program but sometimes the anger and resentment is all too much. I am hoping as I work through all if this it will get easier.
I attend AL Anon and am working hard on myself. For now my AH and I have to live under the same roof......so I really do need to work through this so I can make life as simple as possible for myself.
Would be interested to hear how you deal with your anger and resentments......its. Tough one....
The Serenity Prayer helps ALOT!
I know I need to work through them but would like to get your input too.
I love my husband but I don't know if we will make it or not but while we have to live under the same roof I need to up my coping stratergies!
Thanks for reading. Take Care All Phiz :
I am trying to detach with love BUT it's really hard sometimes when I am still so upset about some of the stuff my AH and his enabling MIL have said/done over the years.
sometimes I am almost more angry at MIL for bringing my husband up in such a dysfunctional family. I do understand why he has issues....however I am doing my best to move forward with my own program but sometimes the anger and resentment is all too much. I am hoping as I work through all if this it will get easier.
I attend AL Anon and am working hard on myself. For now my AH and I have to live under the same roof......so I really do need to work through this so I can make life as simple as possible for myself.
Would be interested to hear how you deal with your anger and resentments......its. Tough one....
The Serenity Prayer helps ALOT!
I know I need to work through them but would like to get your input too.
I love my husband but I don't know if we will make it or not but while we have to live under the same roof I need to up my coping stratergies!
Thanks for reading. Take Care All Phiz :
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One of the most effective strategies I know of for getting rid of resentments is to pray for the person your resentful of. It sounds totally bizarre, and maybe even more so if you don't consider yourself a "believer" but praying for good things for the person you're angry with does something in your head.
It's free, and worth a shot, isn't it?
It's free, and worth a shot, isn't it?
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
All of your anger does them no harm but it is toxic to you. They aren't going to change so you have to.
This doesn't mean you have to like or approve of their behavior. It only means you have to accept it.
We cannot change people, places, or things. When we try we are just setting ourselves up for a world of hurt.
It is always helpful to look at our role in the situation. Where have we been wrong and what do we need to do to change it
This doesn't mean you have to like or approve of their behavior. It only means you have to accept it.
We cannot change people, places, or things. When we try we are just setting ourselves up for a world of hurt.
It is always helpful to look at our role in the situation. Where have we been wrong and what do we need to do to change it
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I can't tolerate resentments so when one arises I ask myself: "what's MY part in this?" Invariably I'm led back to my own character defects: judging others, self-centered fear, self will, etc. With exrabf, I realized my part was ignoring red flags and staying much longer than I should have (denial and rationalization).
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Reading for Courage to Change pg 178
"I will not allow old resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a better and more loving life today."
Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt. - Mary McLeod Bethune
Today I make a choice to not get stuck in what happened, what "they" did, or what I didn't do ~
I acknowledge it and realize I am a healthier person today and will make better choices to avoid being a victim of someone else's behaviors.
Just my e, s, & h ~
"I will not allow old resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a better and more loving life today."
Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt. - Mary McLeod Bethune
Today I make a choice to not get stuck in what happened, what "they" did, or what I didn't do ~
I acknowledge it and realize I am a healthier person today and will make better choices to avoid being a victim of someone else's behaviors.
Just my e, s, & h ~
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
P- someone said this to me on SR and I will share it with you. I hope it helps!!
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.
Hugs my friend!!! This to shall pass!!!
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.
Hugs my friend!!! This to shall pass!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Time did wonders for me.
First I had to make the decision not to be resentful. An actual conscious decision to let resentments go. I made that my goal. Then I did all the things that you're doing now, and have been suggested by others. Going to alanon, praying for my husband and others that I think were complicit, examining my part in this mess.
I also found I had to give up the good fight, and accept defeat.
In the end, though, I think the big player was time. I don't think I could have given up my resentments any sooner than I did. I think they served a purpose in motivating me. Maybe I don't need them anymore.
First I had to make the decision not to be resentful. An actual conscious decision to let resentments go. I made that my goal. Then I did all the things that you're doing now, and have been suggested by others. Going to alanon, praying for my husband and others that I think were complicit, examining my part in this mess.
I also found I had to give up the good fight, and accept defeat.
In the end, though, I think the big player was time. I don't think I could have given up my resentments any sooner than I did. I think they served a purpose in motivating me. Maybe I don't need them anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Thank you so much to you all.
It's good to read and learn how others process things.
I truly believe that I am beginning (slowly) to accept things and people as they are. It sure takes some time and practise doesn't it?
I appreciate all the experience, knowledge, support and wisdom here at SR that you guys give me.
I am having a few days away from AH from tomorrow four lovely days visiting my best friend with my two girls. Am so looking forward to it and I feel my peace and serenity has been restored again the last two days.
Take care my SR friends. Thanks so much again. All the best Phiz
It's good to read and learn how others process things.
I truly believe that I am beginning (slowly) to accept things and people as they are. It sure takes some time and practise doesn't it?
I appreciate all the experience, knowledge, support and wisdom here at SR that you guys give me.
I am having a few days away from AH from tomorrow four lovely days visiting my best friend with my two girls. Am so looking forward to it and I feel my peace and serenity has been restored again the last two days.
Take care my SR friends. Thanks so much again. All the best Phiz
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Lexie mentioned praying for them. For me what that does is takes some of the toxicity out of me. Whether it helps them or not who knows.
I try to keep in mind that to some extent everyone is spiritually sick. No one in this world is perfect. We are all sick and we will all harm others and they will harm us.
I hesitate to mention this to a normie but looking at my part was huge. I had some resentments that I thought would be the end of me but was able to work through them. I am an alkie and my wife a normie so I have no idea if this would work for you or not.
And lastly living with resentment was allowing someone to live rent free in my head. They were free to visit at anytime even when I was trying to relax. Screw that!!!
I hope this helps. Resentments will truly drain you. It's not worth it.
I try to keep in mind that to some extent everyone is spiritually sick. No one in this world is perfect. We are all sick and we will all harm others and they will harm us.
I hesitate to mention this to a normie but looking at my part was huge. I had some resentments that I thought would be the end of me but was able to work through them. I am an alkie and my wife a normie so I have no idea if this would work for you or not.
And lastly living with resentment was allowing someone to live rent free in my head. They were free to visit at anytime even when I was trying to relax. Screw that!!!
I hope this helps. Resentments will truly drain you. It's not worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
It helps!
It all helps......thank you.
I have had a few fabulous weeks away and am feeling refreshed....and ready to move forward once again.
Looking forward to my Al Anon meeting tomorrow and the kids will all be back at school next week father a fabulous Summer break.
Thanks again.....each and every response was/is most helpful.
Take care Phiz
It all helps......thank you.
I have had a few fabulous weeks away and am feeling refreshed....and ready to move forward once again.
Looking forward to my Al Anon meeting tomorrow and the kids will all be back at school next week father a fabulous Summer break.
Thanks again.....each and every response was/is most helpful.
Take care Phiz
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This...100%. I was watching my XAH just plug along while I was going down the rabbit hole. I had to realize that I could not change it, and set boundaries of how I would not engage. And I made sure to have a great support system that I could talk it all out with. It included friends, family, therapy, support group, and of course, you lovelies here at SR!
XXX
XXX
Originally Posted by MIRecovery 
All of your anger does them no harm but it is toxic to you. They aren't going to change so you have to.
This doesn't mean you have to like or approve of their behavior. It only means you have to accept it.
We cannot change people, places, or things. When we try we are just setting ourselves up for a world of hurt.
It is always helpful to look at our role in the situation. Where have we been wrong and what do we need to do to change it
This doesn't mean you have to like or approve of their behavior. It only means you have to accept it.
We cannot change people, places, or things. When we try we are just setting ourselves up for a world of hurt.
It is always helpful to look at our role in the situation. Where have we been wrong and what do we need to do to change it
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I second Lexie in saying prayer works miracles in your own heart. It frees you. I have forgiven my ex-I always did-but that does not mean any of his behavior is good or normal or will be tolerated-nor can he be trusted-but I accept he is the way he is bc of his childhood of entitlement and drinking and he has the emotional iq of a 14 year old. It is what it is. Acceptance is the key....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
