The Scope and Tragedy of It All
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
The Scope and Tragedy of It All
22 days and counting, dear friends. I have a friend who has a Suburban and an open-top trailer who has agreed to help me move. She'll be bringing her husband and 20-year old son. I'm feeling MUCH better about the move day as a result. September 1 is on a Tuesday, so I am still hopeful that my AH will simply be at work during the move, but I'm also preparing for the worst.
As everyone (including me) predicted, the crazy just gets worse the closer we get to move day. I'm also flopping around from wanting to strangle him, to not caring one bit about what he is saying and doing, to just being so very sad about how this has all turned out.
My AH may be just one man in a sea of addicts, but he was a good man. A hard worker. A kind and loving person. And he has allowed this disease to rob him of those things. It may not be a tragedy to the world as a whole, but it is a tragedy in our family and makes me very, very angry. I allowed this disease to turn me into someone I hated, who made choices I hated. And not surprisingly, it has been much easier for me to start to forgive my AH than it has been for me to forgive myself.
Getting out of here, away from the drinking, the passive aggressiveness, the constant criticism...it's so critical to my own recovery. Detachment could never have been a long-term solution for me to stay married to my AH. It helped me come a long way in my recovery, but now my recovery has gone as far as it can in this environment. Onward and upward.
As everyone (including me) predicted, the crazy just gets worse the closer we get to move day. I'm also flopping around from wanting to strangle him, to not caring one bit about what he is saying and doing, to just being so very sad about how this has all turned out.
My AH may be just one man in a sea of addicts, but he was a good man. A hard worker. A kind and loving person. And he has allowed this disease to rob him of those things. It may not be a tragedy to the world as a whole, but it is a tragedy in our family and makes me very, very angry. I allowed this disease to turn me into someone I hated, who made choices I hated. And not surprisingly, it has been much easier for me to start to forgive my AH than it has been for me to forgive myself.
Getting out of here, away from the drinking, the passive aggressiveness, the constant criticism...it's so critical to my own recovery. Detachment could never have been a long-term solution for me to stay married to my AH. It helped me come a long way in my recovery, but now my recovery has gone as far as it can in this environment. Onward and upward.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi W, glad your plans are falling into place. Your words about the sort of man he is without the alcohol are so touching, and really bring home the tragedy of the disease. Not all, or even most, As are bad people.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Uk
Posts: 30
Stay strong you are doing so well
You know you are doing the right thing
I am in a similar position but stuck and can't move on with living until the house sale goes through! Counting the days
Can't wait to see myself on the other side
Will be thinking about you on the 1st September hope all goes according to plan
You know you are doing the right thing
I am in a similar position but stuck and can't move on with living until the house sale goes through! Counting the days
Can't wait to see myself on the other side
Will be thinking about you on the 1st September hope all goes according to plan
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
So much peace & serenity in your post ~
I will be praying AH will be at work on the day of the move - so that peace and harmony will be with you that day.
It is sad to see where the disease takes someone ~ especially ourselves ~
The efforts of your recovery are evident as you work to be a healthier, happier you!
BIG PINK HUGS!
I will be praying AH will be at work on the day of the move - so that peace and harmony will be with you that day.
It is sad to see where the disease takes someone ~ especially ourselves ~
The efforts of your recovery are evident as you work to be a healthier, happier you!
BIG PINK HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Wisconsin, it's plain to see that you are ready, and that now is the time. I know you struggled for a long time, but it's all coming together just right, right now--the place, your mindset, the whole ball of wax.
I can't even begin to imagine how good your new life will be.
And yes, I understand what you said about your A being a good man, a hard worker, and so on, but allowing alcoholism to rob him of all the good things about him. I feel the same way about my XAH. I guess that's what makes it so hard--we remember all the good they've done, the patience, the humor, the kindness, and we just can't accept that it's gone...
I can't even begin to imagine how good your new life will be.
And yes, I understand what you said about your A being a good man, a hard worker, and so on, but allowing alcoholism to rob him of all the good things about him. I feel the same way about my XAH. I guess that's what makes it so hard--we remember all the good they've done, the patience, the humor, the kindness, and we just can't accept that it's gone...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Hugs and positive thoughts coming your way, Wisconsin. I completely understand your anger, as well. Nobody ever said that anger is bad, it's what we do with it that matters. Feel it, face it, and then move on because life has so much more waiting for you! like you said, "Onward and upward!"
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wisconsin.....like the others have expressed, I also understand...deep in my own heart....how you feel.
We don't just have one feeling that we can click on an off like a light switch---it is more like a kelidescope of feelings....often in opposition to each other swirling in a circular motion inside of us. (I think the clinical term would be "ambivalence").
This is why I often say to keep the head in charge in these early months---because the head (not the heart) will know which is in your best interest. The heart is
just too bruised and vulnerable to trust, right now.
It is so fortunate that we humans do have enough plasticity to adjust to new environments and circumstances. Eventually, the uncomfortable "new" morphs into the new "norm".....a different comfort zone. Thanks be to Mother nature for this!
So...proceed ahead. You are doing smashingly, considering how hard we all know that this this mission is.
You are doing the o nly thing left that you CAN do.
dandylion
We don't just have one feeling that we can click on an off like a light switch---it is more like a kelidescope of feelings....often in opposition to each other swirling in a circular motion inside of us. (I think the clinical term would be "ambivalence").
This is why I often say to keep the head in charge in these early months---because the head (not the heart) will know which is in your best interest. The heart is
just too bruised and vulnerable to trust, right now.
It is so fortunate that we humans do have enough plasticity to adjust to new environments and circumstances. Eventually, the uncomfortable "new" morphs into the new "norm".....a different comfort zone. Thanks be to Mother nature for this!
So...proceed ahead. You are doing smashingly, considering how hard we all know that this this mission is.
You are doing the o nly thing left that you CAN do.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Thanks everyone. <3
I remain 100% resolved in my plan. Dandy, you are so right about the kaleidoscope of feelings. I was thinking last night about what triggered this...it was noticing that my older daughter, who is 15 and knows we are leaving, has been spending a lot of time with our big dog. My AH brought the big dog into our marriage, and I brought our little dog. When we move, we will only be taking the little dog. My oldest has been taking lots of videos and photos of the big dog, which triggered a lot of my anger at the entire situation.
Anyway, thanks for always being here to listen to me, give your feedback and ESH, and share your own stories.
I remain 100% resolved in my plan. Dandy, you are so right about the kaleidoscope of feelings. I was thinking last night about what triggered this...it was noticing that my older daughter, who is 15 and knows we are leaving, has been spending a lot of time with our big dog. My AH brought the big dog into our marriage, and I brought our little dog. When we move, we will only be taking the little dog. My oldest has been taking lots of videos and photos of the big dog, which triggered a lot of my anger at the entire situation.
Anyway, thanks for always being here to listen to me, give your feedback and ESH, and share your own stories.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
It's entirely understandable that you're angry. I was very angry for a time. And even though it's been 10 years since I left him (really?) and almost 8 since my divorce, I still get flashes of anger now and then.
A couple of weeks ago, I was at a campground on a lake and there were families with boats, fishing, water skiing, playing in the lake. I flashed back to the boat I bought when we were married thinking if he had a fun hobby, maybe he wouldn't need to drink. And I thought to myself "we could have had such a great life." And then I remembered that "I" have a great life. And I wouldn't have it if I had stayed and kept on trying to cure him.
L
A couple of weeks ago, I was at a campground on a lake and there were families with boats, fishing, water skiing, playing in the lake. I flashed back to the boat I bought when we were married thinking if he had a fun hobby, maybe he wouldn't need to drink. And I thought to myself "we could have had such a great life." And then I remembered that "I" have a great life. And I wouldn't have it if I had stayed and kept on trying to cure him.
L
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I had the same thought as Florence..... Can you take the bigger dog?
Many active alcoholics eventually chafe at the responsibility of a pet. It can interfere with their lifestyle....or, the dog gets greatly diminished attention.
Perhaps, after the "novelty" wears off .....he will consent to letting you take over the care of the dog?
I'm just thinking out loud, here....
dandylion
Many active alcoholics eventually chafe at the responsibility of a pet. It can interfere with their lifestyle....or, the dog gets greatly diminished attention.
Perhaps, after the "novelty" wears off .....he will consent to letting you take over the care of the dog?
I'm just thinking out loud, here....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I cannot take the big dog...the new apartment does not allow dogs over 25 pounds. Plus, the big dog is VERY old with terrible arthritis...he can barely do two stairs at a time, and the new place involves going up about 10 stairs just to get to the hallway that leads to the front door.
He is in his twilight, for sure. I will miss him terribly, as well my daughters (obviously, our son will continue to see the big dog when he is with his dad). I used the big dog as one of my many excuses for why I couldn't leave for a loooong time. As much as it breaks my heart, I have to let him go in order to be able to move forward.
He is in his twilight, for sure. I will miss him terribly, as well my daughters (obviously, our son will continue to see the big dog when he is with his dad). I used the big dog as one of my many excuses for why I couldn't leave for a loooong time. As much as it breaks my heart, I have to let him go in order to be able to move forward.
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