dandylion

megsy.....just a FYI.....it is a good idea to be checked yourself as some of the stds can be asymptomatic in women....more than with men. There are some that can lead, potentially, to sterility and some other complications.
(as a medical person, I have dealt with this stuff).

dandylion

honeypig

And what do you think IS being given here? What DO you want folks to tell you? It doesn't sound to me as if you want real and honest input, only to hear folks tell you that what you're doing is right.

Just like the A, sometimes we on the other side have to lose it all before we see the light--and sometimes even that isn't enough, either for the A or the partner/spouse/family member. And that is your choice, and you have every right to make it as well as to bear the consequences of it. Absolutely.

The ones who will also bear consequences, but who have no say in making the choices that will affect their lives forever, are your kids. Take a look in the "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents" forum if you don't believe me.

maybear

But if you are not willing to give up on your marriage, are you just going to keep throwing him out every time he breaks the rules?

That sounds like a very chaotic life for you and your children, do you think it's fair for them?

Rules help us feel in control but they are no guarantees they won't be broken time and time again. Even when your husband knows the cost of his behaviours - his family.

LexieCat

I'm not at all suggesting you SHOULD or SHOULD NOT divorce him. I'm only suggesting that you take action to protect yourself, whatever happens. Read these threads. Some people have their alcoholic partners leave THEM. Some people have their alcoholic partners DIE. There is no way to predict how this disease may affect you and your family. Knowledge is power--power to protect yourself and your children no matter what happens.

My concern isn't whether you divorce him or not--that is strictly up to you. My concern is with your assumption that you "know your rights." Do you know ALL the financial details of your life? Do you know what might happen if he drinks and drives in a car you jointly own and kills someone? Do you know what might happen if he were to clean out your joint accounts or incur some big liability or lose his job?

There was nothing harsh about my post, and my only recommendation was that you get some good advice. I shared my own experience of how necessary good advice is, even for a professional.

ladyscribbler

In your OP you said he told you that he was divorcing you. And yes, that was probably just noise so that he could intimidate you into breaking your boundaries, but it is also a bad pattern to establish.
He drinks, you put him out, he leaves for his bender and wreaks emotional and financial havoc in your family's lives until he's done, then he comes home to a soft landing with promises of sobriety, church/meeting attendance and whatever else will keep you off his back. Things go relatively smooth until his next binge cycle. Wash, rinse repeat.
My ex was a binge drinker, and that sober time in between always lulled me into a false sense of security, thinking that this time was going to be different. I was stuck in that thinking for five years, with each binge getting progressively worse, because the disease of alcoholism is always progressive.
As to the STD testing, I know it's upsetting and embarrassing, but it's important to protect yourself and especially the baby you're carrying. Some STDs can severely harm or even kill your baby if left untreated.
Again, I'm sorry you're experiencing this, and I'm not trying to steer you toward any particular course of action. But I think it's a good idea to make decisions based on the reality of your situation right now.

AnvilheadII

you said - this isn't him.

well, actually yes it is. this is who he is NOW....it doesn't matter if he once had 5 years sober or could fly....right now he's drinking, treating you horribly, transferring $$ out of the account and calling hookers. he even said he wants a divorce and that it is over.

all this chaos has to be confusing and distressing to the children. it would be best to keep him out for the foreseeable future instead of the in and out cycle.

i know YOU want to fight for your marriage....but you are fighting alone. he is not invested in that fight.

as bad as it seems right now, it can always get worse. THAT is what we want to help you see and prevent as much future damage as possible.

dandylion

megsy.....there is a saying around here that I think is good to remember when one feels upset about another person's offerings...........
"Take what works and leave the rest".

LOl.....God knows, I have had to do that a gazillion times......

When you step back and look at it....a forum like this is open to all....and you are going to get input from all sorts of opinions or angles.
The best any of us can do is to take in the information presented and sort it out.....sorted as to what is valid to us and what isn't.....and, perhaps, "store' some away for later reference, if needed.
We are human....and I know that those who come here for help are generally in some degree of crisis and very vulnerable...and, emotions DO run high sometimes.....on both sides.

That is why "Take what works (or what you need) and leave the rest" is such a good "rule" to go by.....

sincerely,
dandylion

honeypig

Yes, Anvilhead makes an important point here. There is simply NO WAY that one person can make a marriage work, on his or her own. It is a partnership, and as Anvilhead said, he is simply not interested in making the effort. You have already seen how well your attempts to control him have worked, and it's pretty certain that future attempts will have the same result.

Is there a chance he'll get sober and turn into the man you remember? Well, yes, of course there's a chance. It's just that everyone here is urging you to protect yourself and the rest of the family just in case that doesn't happen. As others have said, things can get so much worse, you can't even imagine it. And the suggestion to get legal advice regarding what you may be liable for if he kills someone driving drunk or bankrupts the family accounts? It's just good sense.

This is part of something a quick internet search turned up:
In most English-speaking nations, there is no duty to come to the rescue of another and no liability for doing nothing while another person is in peril. Two exceptions are: (1) when the person who fails to act himself created the hazardous situation or circumstances, and (2) where there is a special relationship. Examples of a “special relationship” include emergency workers (firefighters, EMTs, etc.), common carriers (buses, trains, airlines, etc.), employers and employees, property owners and invitees, spouses, etc. Ten states – and not by coincidence ten of the more “plaintiff-friendly” states – also have laws which require that a person at least notify law enforcement and seek aid from others for strangers in peril. Those states include California, Florida, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Ohio, Rhode Island, Vermont, Washington, and Wisconsin. The creation of a duty to prevent somebody from driving drunk will likely be established in a case in which the person who fails to act was somehow complicit in the intoxication of the drunk driver.

The rest of the article is here if anyone is interested:
Liability for Allowing Drunk Driving: The Death of Personal Responsibility?

So you see, Lexie's advice is not out of left field...

Tangled34

Megsy I know it is hard to hear what everyone is trying to tell you but it is the truth and everyone here has been through what you are going through now myself included and it is all very fresh for me also. I never wanted to give up on my marriage either and I still love my AH and probably always will but sometimes you have to put yourself and your children first otherwise you will be the one that ends of sick!

Have a look at the stickies on the top of the page under "Classic Reading" and read "What Alcoholism does to a Marriage". I could have written it myself. Hugs to you

Katchie

Hi Megs...I am so sorry for what you are going through. I'll be praying for you. I saw that you read your bible daily, that is awesome, so do I. Since Gods word is very important to you, please use your strongs concordance, or blue letter bible online, to look up all instances of what God thinks about alcoholism. The book of Isaiah has much to say as do many other places. It helps to put into perspective from the Authority what you are truly dealing with and His thoughts on the issue.
Its hard living with alcoholism. Its hard on all of the family. Unfortunately, this is who your husband chooses to be right now.
Big hugs, I'm praying for you both.

Refiner

What do you consider "helpful" support and advice then? You were dating this alcoholic, chose to marry this alcoholic, and have been twisting yourself into pretzels for 5+ years for this alcoholic having 2 kids and buying a house with the same alcoholic and you want it all to get better. He doesn't want your rules, obviously, and he's not allowed in the house unless he's willing to follow them. And now it's so bad he's the one wanting to leave you and is even willing to cheat on you while married. There aren't any rainbows and unicorns in this situation that is going to be helpful for you to feel better. I guess the only advice I can offer is to legally separate (not divorce) to freeze your assets so he doesn't financially ruin you, make sure all your legal and liability items are totally separate (insurance, financial accounts, etc.) and for him to prove to you that he wants to get help by being in a recovery program and living in a sober house (accountability) for the next 1-2 years. If you don't do this, it will simply be wash, rinse, and repeat cycle for 5+ more years.

hopeful4

I am sad for you.

Not to be obtuse, but cant he simply walk into the bank with his id and withdraw money? I know at the banks here you certainly can.

When my X's mom died, that is what really sent him into a out of control spiral. I wish I could say it's gotten better, but it has not. Alcohol does progress, sometimes faster than we can believe.

What I can tell you is that I was undecided what to do for a very long time. Here are some of the things I did that helped me even before I divorced.

1. Go get checked for STD's....now, today.

2. Keep socking away cash that only you have access to. Prefer not in your name b/c in some states anything that is yours is also half his.

3. I attended Celebrate Recovery and saw a Psychiatrist. This helped me to the point that I knew no matter what happened to me, I would be OK. That my identity and my entire being did not depend on my marriage to anyone. It calmed me way way down.

4. Do not isolate yourself. Do things you enjoy. Have a support system completely outside of being a couple. The truth shall set you free...don't cover for his bad behavior to other people.

5. Get all documents out of the home that you may need in the future. Birth certificates, titles to vehicles, deed to home, social security numbers, etc. Have extra keys to the home and car made also just in case.

Taking charge of my own life in this way did help me find some peace. While I was still struggling, I knew I could not control his life, but I could sure control my own. You cannot control anyone else's actions, but you can control your own reaction.

Many hugs to you. You are not alone!

Refiner

That's excellent, concise advice, hopeful!

LexieCat

I'd just add this--be sure if you DO sock away cash that you might need on a temporary basis that you are truthful about it in any court filings. It is no better for one partner to hide assets than the other. If you need to do it for reasons of financial safety, you still need to count them as marital assets in the end. For either party to be involved in concealing assets will reduce that party's credibility in court, and might subject that person to sanctions, as well.

Another good reason to get legal advice, and to be honest with one's attorney.

megsykreeg

Scary update
Work is missing money as he usually makes Sunday night deposits on Mondays. He didn't go to work Monday. They have now terminated his employment as he hasn't been to work since. He also hasn't responded to their calls or texts. If the money is still not deposited tomorrow his boss is filing a missing report. Not theft but that he is missing and money is missing. They are holding his paycheck pending a resolution. I do know where he is bc of the fund my phone app. The police are already aware of his location. Hoping that he just forgot about the deposit and it's just sitting in his car. He called me several times yesterday but I didn't pick up. Praying the end comes soon. Waiting til tomorrow and then will decide my next course of action.

Hawkeye13

I'm so sorry megsy and wishing for the best outcome for you

hopeful4

Oh wow, that is scary. Remind me, do you work or have another form of money outside of him? I hope so!

I pray that you are right, that it's sitting in his car. However, I would not bet on that. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Tight hugs to you through all of this trauma!

AnvilheadII

as it is thursday, i doubt he "forgot" about the deposit....really got himself painted into a corner now with pending legal action and loss of his job. it should take more than an "I'm Sorry" this time.......

LexieCat

I'm sorry, too--and don't forget, if he's that casual with his company's money, imagine how careful he is with yours.

Refiner

I hope you have the best outcome possible, but this sure doesn't look good. Please protect yourself (financially and medically speaking). He's losing it all and is totally wreckless and out of control.