Nothing I do can change this can it?

Old 08-10-2015, 04:26 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Nothing I do can change this can it?

Yes...I know I'm powerless over his alcoholism but yet I still try to make a difference. Why am I setting myself up for disappointment time and time again??

I went away for a week on my own and came back late Friday night. He was drunk. He seemed pleased to see me though and although I was bitterly disappointed that he was in that state, I thought I would try to show him that sober can be fun. We went out for a lovely walk in the sunshine with our daughter yesterday. It was such fun. I cooked a meal for us all and we had a lovely family evening. We even booked a few days away together just the 2 of us.

Then when dinner was over, he started drinking again. I'm obviously not enough for him any more.

I know this...yet I try over and over again to try and make him see what he has around him and make him want that over the bottle.

I think I well and truly give up.
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Old 08-10-2015, 04:59 AM
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Hugs, Jeni. He does not drink because you are not enough. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. For me, it was preferable to believe it was personal, because then I felt like I could control it somehow, if it was all about me and what I wasn't doing or saying right, then there was some magic formula of actions and words that I could figure out to affect the changes I wanted them to make. That kind of thinking twisted me up for many years and kept me from focusing on the one thing I *could* change: me.
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Old 08-10-2015, 05:00 AM
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I'm sorry Jeni - it must be very hard to see all this and not take it personally

None of this is 'your fault' tho.
Alcoholics back in active addiction drink.

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Old 08-10-2015, 05:48 AM
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SK and Dee are right. It isn't "alcohol vs. you." It's that the alcohol is an all-consuming obsession. You have to remember, an alcoholic who isn't drinking is in a highly "abnormal" state. When you're an alcoholic and not drinking, you are uncomfortable, feel like you're just going through the motions, waiting until you can drink and feel "normal" again. He isn't even able to enjoy or appreciate those moments with you and your daughter, because all he's thinking about is how he can pretend to enjoy it until he can feel right again. It's really a pathetic and awful way to live.
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Old 08-10-2015, 06:02 AM
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I can see it all from his POV, which is that he would have been counting the minutes until he could have his drink. That's the way it's going to stay until he finds the motivation to stop drinking altogether.
It's so frustrating that he can't see how good life would be for himself and his family if he took that step. And also much more relaxing, because an A's life is all about when they can have the next drink.
It's so hard when you have a little hope, and they let you down.
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Old 08-10-2015, 06:12 AM
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Oh, big hugs. It is true that he cannot enjoy life's simple pleasures until he stops drinking. I tried my hardest, too-I'd set up dates for my then husband-call in babysitters, make all the arrangements/reservations and go places to have fun with him to show him (from my heart) that I just liked being with him. Him. Towards the end it became painfully obvious he was just counting the minutes until he could drink again and I don't know if he enjoyed any time with me at all/or our family, while not drinking. This tore me up inside until I realized it was all about HIM and has nothing to so with me. I am enough-our kids are enough-he just doesn't think he's enough and couldn't put the bottle down.
Praying peace and confort for you today
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