This is ridiculous
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 9
This is ridiculous
I left my AH about a year ago and started divorce proceedings b/c he wouldn't get help. A few months after I left, he went to rehab and has now been 6+ mo sober.
When he'd been sober 3 mo I figured I should try to make it work and went back. Put the divorce on hold and we have been in couples counseling 2x/wk, but the therapist said last time that we should switch to 1x/wk so I can get IC 1x/wk. It's true I'm a mess and depressed and have a ton of **** to deal with, but that kinda pissed me off. It's not that she's wrong, but why shouldn't HE have IC too? He's a mess and has a ton of **** to deal with too, he just doesn't cry in therapy!
I'm not happy being married to him right now. I haven't been happy for years and I don't know who I married and he just wants me to forget the years of drinking. He was never abusive and was high functioning (lol, as if) except towards the end when he was in the ER a few times for overdoses on alcohol. What a s***show.
I already had PTSD and all this bs has made everything worse. I don't think he really gets it.
I also don't know if i can respect him again. i just don't know what to do.
I do know that if I divorce him, I'm going to lose the house and will never be able to afford another on my own. I love this house. It's harder to leave than he is. There's no way i can afford it alone.
I don't know what I want from him. For the last several years I just wanted to be left alone and for the most part, that's what I got, he was so busy drinking. He's willing to do anything I ask him to do. I just don't know if the love is there for either of us anymore.
But I feel like I should try.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
When he'd been sober 3 mo I figured I should try to make it work and went back. Put the divorce on hold and we have been in couples counseling 2x/wk, but the therapist said last time that we should switch to 1x/wk so I can get IC 1x/wk. It's true I'm a mess and depressed and have a ton of **** to deal with, but that kinda pissed me off. It's not that she's wrong, but why shouldn't HE have IC too? He's a mess and has a ton of **** to deal with too, he just doesn't cry in therapy!
I'm not happy being married to him right now. I haven't been happy for years and I don't know who I married and he just wants me to forget the years of drinking. He was never abusive and was high functioning (lol, as if) except towards the end when he was in the ER a few times for overdoses on alcohol. What a s***show.
I already had PTSD and all this bs has made everything worse. I don't think he really gets it.
I also don't know if i can respect him again. i just don't know what to do.
I do know that if I divorce him, I'm going to lose the house and will never be able to afford another on my own. I love this house. It's harder to leave than he is. There's no way i can afford it alone.
I don't know what I want from him. For the last several years I just wanted to be left alone and for the most part, that's what I got, he was so busy drinking. He's willing to do anything I ask him to do. I just don't know if the love is there for either of us anymore.
But I feel like I should try.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd go for the counseling. Who cares if he isn't getting the counseling, too? Your primary concern should be with yourself. It may well be that the counselor is seeing more suffering in you than s/he does in him, rather than seeing you as someone who needs more "fixing" than he does. It's like triage--who is bleeding the most?
You may "love" your house, but trust me, having a great house won't make up for a miserable marriage. Even if the house has to be sold, you can find one that is more affordable, or rent until you can afford what you want.
You don't have a "duty" to try to save a miserable marriage. Counseling may help you sort out what you really want so you don't waste your precious life holding onto a relationship that can't give you that.
You may "love" your house, but trust me, having a great house won't make up for a miserable marriage. Even if the house has to be sold, you can find one that is more affordable, or rent until you can afford what you want.
You don't have a "duty" to try to save a miserable marriage. Counseling may help you sort out what you really want so you don't waste your precious life holding onto a relationship that can't give you that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
I would go to counseling too. It will strengthen you and help you to continue to stand firm and believe in what you know is the truth. Your husband is only 6 months sober. The recovery period can be difficult for both individuals.
My husband is 7 months sober (considered high functioning too). I use individual counseling to strengthen me and to stay the course (my course, not his).
Here's another way to look at individual therapy (or any support for that matter). Recently,
in a 1:1 meeting, the marriage counselor summed up my situation like this: My husband is flailing in the water, and I am on the bank. He doesn't know it, but all he needs to do is (1) swim to shore or (2) grab hold of the dock and take a couple of deep breaths.
You want to be on the bank (sun shining, green grass), not in the water with him. It's turbulent in the water. Stay on the bank. And, should you end up in the water (we all do), swim to shore. Or, grab hold of the dock, take a couple of deep breaths and then use the individual counseling and SR (or whatever support you need) to get you back to the bank.
I am still there for my husband, but it's from the view/safety of the bank. I offer words of encouragement and support, but I stay dry. I still end up in the water occasionally. In fact, I landed in the water a month ago. That's when I used individual therapy and Sober Recovery to help me swim to shore once again.
It's our responsibility to swim to shore. And, it's the recovery alcoholic's responsibility to do the same.
I hope this helps. Continue to strengthen you. It's worth the time and investment.
My husband is 7 months sober (considered high functioning too). I use individual counseling to strengthen me and to stay the course (my course, not his).
Here's another way to look at individual therapy (or any support for that matter). Recently,
in a 1:1 meeting, the marriage counselor summed up my situation like this: My husband is flailing in the water, and I am on the bank. He doesn't know it, but all he needs to do is (1) swim to shore or (2) grab hold of the dock and take a couple of deep breaths.
You want to be on the bank (sun shining, green grass), not in the water with him. It's turbulent in the water. Stay on the bank. And, should you end up in the water (we all do), swim to shore. Or, grab hold of the dock, take a couple of deep breaths and then use the individual counseling and SR (or whatever support you need) to get you back to the bank.
I am still there for my husband, but it's from the view/safety of the bank. I offer words of encouragement and support, but I stay dry. I still end up in the water occasionally. In fact, I landed in the water a month ago. That's when I used individual therapy and Sober Recovery to help me swim to shore once again.
It's our responsibility to swim to shore. And, it's the recovery alcoholic's responsibility to do the same.
I hope this helps. Continue to strengthen you. It's worth the time and investment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by HoldOnLoosely 
I would go to counseling too. It will strengthen you and help you to continue to stand firm and believe in what you know is the truth. Your husband is only 6 months sober. The recovery period can be difficult for both individuals.
My husband is 7 months sober (considered high functioning too). I use individual counseling to strengthen me and to stay the course (my course, not his).
Here's another way to look at individual therapy (or any support for that matter). Recently,
in a 1:1 meeting, the marriage counselor summed up my situation like this: My husband is flailing in the water, and I am on the bank. He doesn't know it, but all he needs to do is (1) swim to shore or (2) grab hold of the dock and take a couple of deep breaths.
You want to be on the bank (sun shining, green grass), not in the water with him. It's turbulent in the water. Stay on the bank. And, should you end up in the water (we all do), swim to shore. Or, grab hold of the dock, take a couple of deep breaths and then use the individual counseling and SR (or whatever support you need) to get you back to the bank.
I am still there for my husband, but it's from the view/safety of the bank. I offer words of encouragement and support, but I stay dry. I still end up in the water occasionally. In fact, I landed in the water a month ago. That's when I used individual therapy and Sober Recovery to help me swim to shore once again.
It's our responsibility to swim to shore. And, it's the recovery alcoholic's responsibility to do the same.
I hope this helps. Continue to strengthen you. It's worth the time and investment.
My husband is 7 months sober (considered high functioning too). I use individual counseling to strengthen me and to stay the course (my course, not his).
Here's another way to look at individual therapy (or any support for that matter). Recently,
in a 1:1 meeting, the marriage counselor summed up my situation like this: My husband is flailing in the water, and I am on the bank. He doesn't know it, but all he needs to do is (1) swim to shore or (2) grab hold of the dock and take a couple of deep breaths.
You want to be on the bank (sun shining, green grass), not in the water with him. It's turbulent in the water. Stay on the bank. And, should you end up in the water (we all do), swim to shore. Or, grab hold of the dock, take a couple of deep breaths and then use the individual counseling and SR (or whatever support you need) to get you back to the bank.
I am still there for my husband, but it's from the view/safety of the bank. I offer words of encouragement and support, but I stay dry. I still end up in the water occasionally. In fact, I landed in the water a month ago. That's when I used individual therapy and Sober Recovery to help me swim to shore once again.
It's our responsibility to swim to shore. And, it's the recovery alcoholic's responsibility to do the same.
I hope this helps. Continue to strengthen you. It's worth the time and investment.
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