TryGuy

Hi all,

My girlfriend has a drinking problem in that she has great difficulty stopping once she starts, as well as resisting any alcohol that is present in the room or at hand (except on hangover/recovery days on which she sleeps a lot and drinks just water). She currently drinks some level of alcohol about 5 days out of the week. She also suffers from depression (and is medicated) and we all know how that goes, when the medication is drank on top of.

I read many of the other posts here, many with troubles so far beyond mine, I almost felt ridiculous to post, let alone write this much. I guess in writing I hope to somehow figure out the truth, and look in the mirror to see if I may have overreacted or even brought this on myself. It’s hard to swallow the truth that I myself may have been an enabler (by trying to drink socially with her to appease her needs and keep us together) but also in the sense that when her own drinking got excessive, whether I was taking part or not, that I chastised her for it incessantly. She’s starting to look at places to move to tomorrow. It will be tough on us both, physically and mentally I think. Now we sit here living separately in a home we built together, living in separate rooms, spending what will likely be the last days that we see one another….apart.

Still, I feel compelled to come here and tell my story. I'm currently in the process of ending a long term relationship (for the second time) with my live-in girlfriend of 9 years. She's 34, I'm 42. Feeling empty and sad about it but also slowly realizing it is the right course of action (for the both of us, really). We've done this dance before - 4 years ago, we were engaged to be married, and over the course of the wedding planning, her drinking habit blew up before it broke us apart a month before we got hitched. 6 months later we were back together to try again. I thought we could do better and for almost 4 years we've been doing it (not perfectly, but at least trying).

She has used or been addicted to various other substances over the time I have known her, including prescription pain pills and Adderall. She was also at one time a smoker but was able to quit that habit cold turkey. Most recently, about 2 years ago, the Adderall addiction and abuse, which she developed when we first split up, finally came to a head and she realized she had to stop. Self-detox was a little rough and she fought urges for a while afterward but now states how happy she is to be free of it in her life. The moral - She's able to give things up if she wants to.

And then there's the alcohol.

Here's the thing -- I personally enjoy alcohol with moderation. I don't need it to get through the day, but if someone wants to have a beer or wine when out to dinner, or at a social event, I'll join them. I am a social drinker but dislike drinking alone. Heck, I'll even have a rare moment where I drink it to excess (not alone, thankfully, but when on vacation or out with close friends, and as I’ve aged, those types of drinking events have stalled as I’ve outgrown my college drinking days). Therefore I am not walking in the door here with a "holier than thou" attitude. I understand the power of alcohol as a drug and how it can be abused.

Lucky for me, I never had (and likely will never understand) the uncontrollable urge to guzzle down a glass beer/wine/booze when it was sitting across the room...or in the fridge...or someone else in eyeshot was consuming it. I believe that in her world, that's how it is (there was one time during her one (and only) recovery attempt last year when I also was not drinking (solidarity) that my Dad came by for a visit -- he has one beer and one shot of whiskey every day and I offered this to him at his visit. She later said it was slow torture watching him slowly consume it in front of us. Until then I never knew how bad its power was over her.

She has a much different relationship with alcohol than I do. She sees it as stress relief. As an escape. As a way to feel good when something feels bad. Says she loves to drink to “get a buzz”. Drinking it alone at home is fine (and most frequent). Drinking it with a group is fine. She's not a morning drinker, mostly light beer (though her tastes have progressed with time, to now enjoying any/all beers (whatever is around and cold), loving red wine, and even the occasional hard liquor though for now she avoids it because it affects her TOO much, too fast). She will typically have a big drinking day and then take the next day off to sleep the entire day due to the hangover (also, if it feels any way like I have felt after drinking too much, there is stronger depression, and if you were depressed BEFORE you started drinking the alcohol, the depression you experience during the hangover after you drink it is way worse, hence the vicious cycle of going BACK to more alcohol).

Lately, if she's not sleeping (or sleeping off a hangover), or working, she's drinking. When she gets more than an hour alone in the house, she's drinking. Some days it will be 4-5 beers or a bottle and a half of red wine. Other days closer to 10 beers out of a 12 pack that our supermarket now conveniently sells (a 12 pack is picked up every time she shops now, like bread or eggs). Once the 12 pack is in the fridge, the maximum it lasts is 3 days (often just 1-2 days, a lot depending on if a recovery day is needed in between). She wakes up hung over, but never misses work and reserves the bigger drinking nights for the nights she can sleep all day the next day. She recently finished schooling and made new friends with other girls who enjoy drinking (not those with families or stronger morals). Over the last 3-4 months they have gradually replaced our time together in favor of her being able to spend time (unjudged) drinking with her friends, sometimes all night without coming back (and yes that certainly opens up other suspicions as well, though without evidence I have no need or care to go there and speculate on another guy in her life as well, though it's certainly possible as past experiences have indicated it's helpful for her to have another guy as an off-ramp when a relationship ends). I have pushed away from her as a result of this and she's done the same. There are never any apologies or regrets. She loves the show "intervention" and watches it frequently because it "makes her feel better seeing people with more problems than she has". She has tried an AA meeting a couple times, but never goes back saying it is not for her.

Her personality, when she drinks to excess (usually by beer #4 or #5), becomes one of that I want to run away from. I have told her that she has at times become the most unattractive person in the room to me when she is drinking. She gets loud, obnoxious, takes control of a conversation and makes inappropriate comments, all without the ability to filter or read the room. It unfortunately embarrasses me (not her, she is oblivious and unapologetic). It also puts friends/neighbors/family in an uncomfortable spot. They feel it's not their place to comment, but I feel like it's my responsibility to at least let her know (the next day, of course, I've learned trying to stop a freight train of alcohol consumption is impossible). The conversation never goes well and she tells me I am controlling, she was not inappropriate, etc.

Her attempt at recovery: From January through May of last year (New Year’s resolution), she was literally able to quit alcohol cold turkey (2 months in, we bought a dog together to celebrate, something she always wanted). I was impressed and happy and felt like we'd turned the biggest corner of our lives. Over a couple months, she began to blossom as a person. Within those months, I found that her observations were more thought out. We were able to talk and enjoy each other's company. It was like she was becoming a new, better person and I loved it. Reading here that alcohol can often take a hold and keep a hold, even for some time after quitting, but that addicts can start acting and feeling different 30-90 days into recovery, was eye opening. I believe that this is what was happening.

Fast forward to May of last year -- After her many comments over the years of how the home we currently lived in (which I have lived in for 15 years, including 2 other prior long term relationships) was not "ours", an opportunity to build a new home nearby presented itself. I knew it would be stressful (no one warned me how much, but build a house sometime and you'll see). Despite not being married (a promise to myself I made was to only get engaged again if she was in a long term recovery), I felt a new home together was a sign of commitment and something we could do together. It had absolutely the opposite effect. From the moment we started the paperwork to buy the land, her drinking slowly crept right back up, with several major episodes - including one that happened during a planning meeting in our home where she disappeared to guzzle vodka straight out of the bottle and become incoherent and obliterated in under an hour. She later told me that the vodka went down like water. Conclusion - Stress leads to drinking for her. The more stress, the more alcohol is needed to calm it.

The other thing I need to look at is the mirror -- Either I am terrible at picking partners, or there are some things I need to work on myself or just accept the fact that I do "alone" better.

The amazing thing about this is that despite officially knowing that I come in second (or third, or eighth) with alcohol coming first, I still had some sort of hope for her to suddenly want to recover again. Thus is the lot in life of those of us who seek solace here. We want that light bulb to pop on and that switch to flip. She has been able to kick pills, kick cigarettes, even give up alcohol for many months -- Why not hold out hope that one day she will be able to leave the alcohol for good? As much as I enjoy the stuff socially, I've always told her, if she wants to give it up, I'll pour every drop in the house out and never look back. And of course she always would say she didn't want me to have to give up my own occasional alcohol for her, that it is HER problem (yes, she does sometimes admit to having the problem, but mostly not). I had to lock up the little beer I keep in the house for company or the occasional cold one myself because if I left her alone with it for a day, she’d drink it (after consuming her own, she would always start on mine).

She says she'll stop when she's ready and feeling happy and content, but that she's not ready right now (plus as the drinking has ramped up, and I have become more distant and critical of her drinking, our relationship has stalled and she says the regular drinking is what she needs due to the depression about her life -- what a nasty cycle!). She says she is an “adult” and she can do whatever she wants to do. That we are no longer making each other happy (it’s true) and it’s time we realized that. She’s ready to leave (though was extremely upset about it – was drinking at the time – I was upset inside but bottle up my emotions when she is drinking).

I read a comment here that moderation in drinking is the dream of every alcoholic...And it's so sad how true that is and it makes me feel bad for anyone with a drinking problem. I feel now it is almost a gift for me to be able to say "I have had enough, and I better stop drinking now" and feel such sadness for those who not only can't resist starting, but when they do, have no inner voice that says "time to stop". It is a conversation I have had with her and I'm sure many of you have as well - "I wish we could just go out and have a few drinks and call it a day, wouldn't that be great?" It’s even happened some days. The acceptance and realization that you will NEVER KNOW once you take your first sip, how many more drinks you will have, every time, must be absolutely devastating. And to know that there is no cure -- Whether you are 21 years old or 71 years old, that same feeling, same urge, will always be there with you.

I want to fast forward now to this week as I'm realizing I'm writing a novel here.

Conversations that involve her drinking in any way are difficult or nearly impossible to have (she shuts down and calls me controlling) but since we had a sober moment yesterday, I gave it a try. I let her know that we can work on "us" or we can part and move on. I know to those of you reading, the choice seems more than obvious and the cards are in my favor in many ways - I own the home (though she was to start contributing financially to this, and now I will struggle), don't have an alcohol problem, don't suffer from depression...You may say that I should have ended this a year ago, when the drinking started, or never gotten back together with a person like this in the first place.

And that's what's interesting to me about it all. Why did I do this? Logically, on paper, the answer is clear. Yet in reality, it is such a sad, difficult thing to do. I have come to the conclusion that I definitely have issues with co-dependency and need to work on this. I'll be reading and of course doing what I can to stay busy (no problems there) but also realize that I'm getting on the roller coaster again. Because even though she has made countless mistakes, the care I have for her is still there, and because of the co-dependency, I am actually going to miss her presence in my life for some time (last time, I was so excited to have her back I was oblivious to the fact she was abusing pills to curtail her drinking).

The other thing that gets me is how good she is at pushing the buttons. Things lasted a while because she was able to put self-doubt in my head. WAS I being too controlling? Am I a hypocrite? Am I not giving her enough love, attention, and support? Am I the reason for her drinking? Now of course, knowing the forum I'm at, I know what the answers will be. However I suppose I could just as easily go to a forum for those who love alcohol and they'd tell me to consider her side. The more time I spend reading your stories here, especially the other males dealing with a female partner with a drinking problem, I at least notice the similarities in your experiences...what is done...what is said...and it gives me some comfort to know that I am not alone, and also, that these types of behaviors, and things that are said, are a common thread in situations like this.

I come here mostly to journal and share as it's part of the process for me -- I believe the last time we split up, she may have located posts I made in another forum and read them to get an insight into where I was (perhaps even to see if there was a way back in). I'm hopeful she doesn't find this (and even considered not posting at all) but also don't want to temper my words over fear of her reading it.

Is the best partner for a person with alcohol problems another person with alcohol problems? It seems to me that it's the only way to level the playing field. Volatile, yes, but at least there would be no judgement. I imagine a non-drinker with an alcohol abuser would be difficult, because at least if the alcohol drinker wanted to recover, there would be no issue on the other side. A social drinker like myself, who enjoys attending family gatherings and drinking a few beers, hanging with the guys for football, attending a beer or wine festival...I'm probably the absolute least compatible person to someone with an alcohol issue -- I'm an enabler by example, and she also has to face the facts that if she went into recovery, I'd be forced to give it all up or she'd have to find a way to live with it alongside of her (which history has proven is not possible).

After our sober chat yesterday, she went out for the night saying “she won’t be out late” and never came home. Got a text at 12:30 AM saying “drank too much” and that was it. Came in at 10:30 AM today. Slept who knows where (she'll say it was a friend's, but that was the same story 4 years ago)...asked me if we could "save the fight for later" and went into the spare bedroom that she has moved to since a few days ago when we had the chat that it just wasn't working for us.

It's sad to face a future without someone who has been such a big part of your life - this will be a complete break for me, we have no ties that would put us together again. I'm an optimist and held on (way too long I guess) hoping for that breakthrough where we clicked. She cried the other night when she realized that we had to break, said she wanted me to be happy, but also showed no signs of wanting to stay (then proceeded to drink all week and stayed out all night). She accused me of starting to see someone else which I know is often a sign that the accuser has started another relationship. I asked but she strongly denied, though it is a moot point now. It's the alcohol that is the problem, anything beyond is just extra fuel to the fire.

I've said a lot here for a first post, probably more than I needed to say, but I wanted to get it out as a cleansing of sorts. There are two sides to every story and I still question if she is right and that my actions or a lack of care for the relationship (it was a busy year with work and the new house) caused its decline and the drinking to increase. I may stop back with further thoughts, but would also welcome any posts from anyone with questions, or who is going through similar, etc. I hope this may in some way help someone as well, as much as typing it out just to see it helps me.

Thanks for making it to the finish line.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome! Your story is very familiar. None of us is perfect, but even if we were, we are incapable of causing, controlling, or curing another person's alcoholism.

I strongly suggest that your recovery plan (and YAY that you recognize you need one) include Al-Anon. It was a huge help to me when I felt at the end of my rope with my partners' (yeah, alcoholism is so fun I picked another one) drinking. And then, just because it WAS so fun, I developed my own alcoholism later in life. I've been sober for almost 7 years, first husband continuously sober for 35.

It sounds like you still care for her, and that's normal. You don't have to hate her to decide you don't want to sacrifice the rest of your life for the sake of a relationship that will steadily worsen unless she decides to recover.

Maybe she'll decide to do that--we can hope. But there is DEFINITELY happiness to be had for you, especially if you are willing to face some uncomfortable truths--which it sounds like you are willing to do--and do some work on yourself.

Glad you're here.

sfs

Your story sounds very familiar to mine. I posted about it maybe three months ago and for a while it seemed like my wife and I had turned a corner, but now the problem has reared its head again.

We're younger than you and your GF, but married for 11 months now. It seems my wife's drinking started to creep up after we came back from our honeymoon and moved into a new apartment. She, too, suffers from anxiety and depression whereas I do not. Like you and your GF, we were both heavy drinkers in college, and while I now enjoy a social drink or two, my wife will come home after we've had a couple out at the bar and want to keep the party going with the vodka bottle. Like your GF, she doesn't drink every day, but every other night she stays up until usually between 3-5 AM doing god knows what. I brought up my concerns to her back in April and after a brief spat she agreed to cut back to 3 drinks per week. Now I realize she either never kept that agreement or didn't keep it for very long. There were the excuses about "oh, that drink at the bar was weak so it doesn't count" or that she's celebrating some achievement so she gets to call the shots (literally) that night—excuses used to flout the three drink rule in front of me—and in addition, I recently discovered some vodka missing from the small vodka bottle we had in the freezer, and then later found two empty vodka bottles in the trash (she's normally the one who bugs me about putting stuff in the recycling).

We've been sleeping in separate bedrooms for three nights now and she continues to maintain that I'm the problem.

At this point I've made peace with having to potentially give up alcohol entirely, and I think I'm okay with that. But I can't decide for her to change. She has to, and that's probably the most painful part. There are three people in my marriage: her, me, and vodka, and I can't compete with vodka.

I'm pretty new here, too, and haven't posted much, but I intend to stick around for resources that might help guide me through the process. Good luck to you.

TryGuy

Lexie,

Thanks for making it through the marathon and for your thoughtful reply.

It's a strong disease as she is losing a lot to keep it in her life without conflict. She finished what was left of a double bottle of red wine she started the other day tonight since she was home. That's 4 nights in a row for her now. She's walking around the house acting upbeat and playing with the dog. She's researching a place to live for her and the dog. Fully accepting of the fact that since I no longer want to live with her drinking, she'd rather move out and end the relationship. I must be a pretty bad controlling guy.

I am trying hard to focus on me and not her but I will admit it is hard. I want to ask her why this suddenly went from 0 to 60...continually have suspicions that there's a new guy in the picture (which would at least explain the desire to exit)...but I know I am not going to ever get the answers.

I know she is worried about her appearance. She looks very pretty and youthful though her diet and alcohol intake will start to catch up with her. I hope she doesn't try anything new to get skinnier, I just want her to be healthy no matter where she is.

Thanks again, I'm going to read more. Focusing on me and recovering from the loss and experience a second time will be easier once she is no longer here every day.

TryGuy

I'll find your thread if you have one. So sorry you have to go through this too. The funny thing is the similarities we see in people who have never met.

In your case it was the occasion thing. She always would have a reason to drink. A celebration for graduating. Bad day at work. Good day at work. Wednesday. So on those weeks where she said she would try to moderate, she instead found excuses to get booze. On days where I hounded her about it, I was the excuse to drink. When I left her alone, she found other reasons.

Sorry for the way your marriage has started and keep coming here for support. Wish you the very best.

Thomas45

Your story is so similar to mine that I could almost accuse you of being me.

maia1234

Hey Guys, I am sorry that you have had to reach out to this forum, but you have come to the right place. These walls, from the friends and family to the Alcoholism side, you will learn a ton. Open your ears and hearts and you will learn.

First thing negotiating how much an alcoholic drinks is a losing battle. To them alcohol is like water and air, they can't live with out it. They need it and want it, as it has a control over them. They are not drinking to pxss you off, they are drinking because they are alcoholics. What you have to understand is nagging and threatening an addict really doesn't do much. They can promise, or lie, or cry or anything else to tell you what you want to hear, but until the consequences of their drinking hits home to them, they will not stop. It really has to "hurt" to want to stop. Go and read all the comments on the "new to recovery" on the alcoholic forum. These people want to moderate or control their drinking, which really doesn't work for an A. They drink fast and furious as you guys are seeing. They come to the forums when they have lost everything, there job, spouse, house, money, family, everything. That is when they truly seek help. I hope that that won't happen to your spouses.

So when you finally accept the fact that you have no control over your spouses drinking, you wonder what can you do for YOU??? You possible can't live like this the rest of your life. You will educate yourself about all the "things" you have been doing wrong. Obsessing over the amount of drinks, when they come to bed, smelling glasses if they smell like alcohol, looking in the recycle bin. So many crazy things we start doing without even recognizing we are going crazy and they aren't. Does it really matter, you know they are drinking, how much and how often really doesn't matter.

I suggest you hit an alanon meeting. Keep reading the stickies at the top of the friends and family forum. Ask a ton of questions on how you can set boundaries and follow through with them. When your spouse sees you changing, maybe she will start to change. You never know.

We all have walked in your shoes, everyone of us have come to this sight because we love an addict. Its a horrible disease and steals our love ones. It wasn't working what you were doing, try some of the things that people on this forum did and see if that helps. Your life might get a little calmer, you might sleep a little better, who knows.

Hugs my friends and welcome to SR!!

LucyGoosey

I can relate so much to your story. My husband also used alcohol to relieve stress. Alcohol became a reward after a hard day. I often heard that AA wasn't for him and that he could stop when he wanted, he just didn't want to. He payed the ultimate price.

Hope kept me coming back for more too. Addiction is such a powerful, baffling force. AL Anon, talking to a counselor who specialized in addictions, and reading Co Dependent No More and Under the Influence were helpful for me.

There's a saying, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Living with addiction is so hard. Separation sounds like a wise, healthy choice for both of you. You asked who is the best partner for someone with an addiction problem. I say no one until recovery is well under way.

TryGuy

So kind of you for coming here and posting to others given what you are going through. Thank you for your kind words and I continue to keep you in my thoughts.

TryGuy

I'm very sorry to hear that sir. I will catch up with your threads when I can and post there. Maybe we can learn from/help each other.

TryGuy

Mia,

Your post is wonderful, thanks so much. One of the key areas that I have been reading that I wish I'd done a long time ago is fully detaching from the drinking aspect when it is happening. Looking the other way, leaving the room, not engaging, etc. The hard part for me was that I still wanted to maintain a relationship and was trying to see if she could moderate (such a mistake) so basically when we have been participating in social activities (it's summertime after all) there was always alcohol there. She was always first to the booze and always drank more than me, but I drank, too. Maybe not the best example to set. I was trying to make it work. Of course, I was always the guy behind the wheel, always moderating, having just a couple drinks...for her there were no limits. Of course on those days, I could also try and detach but it was harder.

At home, I am learning to detach. To stop looking in the fridge to see how many cans of beer are missing. Looking in the recycle bin. Looking at the wine bottle and where the full line is. Drives you crazy and you are right, does nothing for you (not once ever do I think I have commented on the level of drink she has consumed and has she agreed and stopped, and that's over years of it!).

I still have a lot of journal-type thoughts in my head that I'll bring back to this thread later (I "talk" a lot as part of my process) but I did want to directly respond to you as a thanks for taking an interest and also to say that your advice to give up the idea of control and monitoring is spot-on and something I can do during the final days she is living here. I wish I'd done it 100% much sooner.

TryGuy

Some thoughts for today.

I made what I thought was a pretty honest pros/cons list for her given the current situation. I know I need to get on with myself (and believe me I have) but this is just my process.

Pros (In her eyes) To Continuing To Drink...
- Freedom to drink anytime, as much as she wants, without judgement from me or others who are aware of the issue
- Potential for a fresh start / new relationship / more new excitement
- Less stress/worry/shame over disappointment towards me (more self-esteem?)
- More time to party with friends and see them anytime without issue

Cons to Continuing to Drink
- Having to start a new life after a 9 year commitment
- Having to relocate / move / out of our home and live on her own
- Loss of a true friend in her corner / loss of long term relationship with me
- Extra financial burden (I covered all the bills and utilities and mortgage)
- Less help caring for the dog (I am home working and handle a lot of this for her when she works or is out partying)
- More responsibility to take care of herself and cook/clean on her own
- Loss of some long term friends / neighbors

Interesting list I think...and pretty amazing to see just how strong the pull of the alcohol and the party is. That said, I do sometimes wonder if I am letting the alcohol take the blame for everything. Relationships end all the time without drugs or alcohol playing a part. Maybe the fog isn't the alcohol so much, but she just wants out? Of course, I had the same thoughts 4 years ago, when we broke off the wedding due to similar events, however this time just feels different -- It feels more final. It's not like there's the pressure of a wedding or any other event coming up that caused this to happen. Maybe I'm the one in the fog and this is just a relationship that's run its course, plain and simple. It's not like she's been abusive, just "buzzed" or "drunk"...her argument is, what harm does that do to me? To me it just makes her unattractive and not someone I want to be around in that state, which pushes me away, which puts us in the spot we are at. I'm not sure how to break that cycle and wish there was something I could do to do that. Unfortunately it seems the only options in these cases are 1) learn to love them when they're drunk or 2) leave them. I can't see any other choice unless they're making a choice, which we won't get into here since it makes no sense to assume she'd ever give up drinking for the relationship.

Interesting stuff to speculate on...just getting it all out of my head and onto e-paper...

Hopeworks

Oh my Try Guy! Sounds like she had somebody going overboard trying to make her happy!

Correct me if I am wrong but you paid all the bills as she was a student but now has graduated and will soon have her own income? You took care of the dog and shouldered a large amount of the household chores too?

What exactly did she contribute to the relationship as a partner?

A relationship works if both partners give over 50% but if one person has got all their fingers in the dike while the A partner slips and slides around drinking and partying the writing is on the wall. It says this is as good as it gets and alcoholism is progressive so expect it to get much, much worse if you stay.

She is just doing what alcoholics do...she drinks! This is not a mystery my friend and now you simply choose whether you wish to stay with her exactly as she is...she is just being herself!

Can you sell the house or rent out a room or two to help with the bills on the new house?

Take care of you!

maia1234

TG- yes, you are changing the rules in the middle of the game. Why can't she continue doing what she has been doing for the last 9 years???? Why??? She loves it, you enable her to drink and act irresponsible and still get a way with it. You take care of everything. Do you have any idea how hard it will be for an active A to pull her life together and have it as good as you have given her. I am sure you have not heard the last from her!!!!!

I use to run my XAH errands so he could go and meet his friends at the bar. REALLY?? Who was I, and what happen to me? You have no idea the craziness that the A's do to you and they get away with it. They will twist and do anything to get their way. They tell you what a loser you are to lower the bar and have an even playing field. The work everything to manage their drinking.

The issue is now, you are getting wise to her games. You are no longer accepting unacceptable behavior. You are on to it and making changes. It has taken you a long time to get to this spot, and to be able to execute it. She thinks that you won't follow through, as I am sure you have threatened this soooo many times before and always gave in.

I put up with it for 34 years, 26 married. Same crxp, different day. I was finally ready!! I filed for divorce, found a mediator, divorced, got house ready and sold by owner, and bought my own town home, by owner. If you told me 2 years ago that I would pull all that off myself, I would have never believed you. I was just ready!!!!!

Don't get me wrong, I still love my X and pray everyday that he doesn't kill someone drinking and driving. The love I have for him will never stop, it just doesn't consume me like it always did. I have given him to God to watch over. I love him from a distance.

I will tell you about my new life. I love my new home, I found a great job (parish administrator in a church) with awesome benefits, I sleep at night (didn't for 20 years) getting confidence that I never had before ( very low self esteem) so life has changed!! There is life after living with an addict for so long. But it took me many years to get to this point.

Keep reading, take your time and think about what you are doing, don't force a solution as God has a plan, let him execute it. Hugs my friend, life will get better.

TryGuy

Thanks for the reply. A few answers -- I have a decent job and have always been able to provide for us both in most cases. However I stopped short of "sugar daddy" status in that anything she wanted for herself -- Clothing, car, cell phone/bill, tuition costs, booze, was all her own responsibility. I covered anything that I would cover whether she was here or not (utility bills, mortgage, etc, things I would and will be paying on my own anyway).

That said, on her own (as she was before, 4 years ago, and made it) she will have the additional burden of these things. She went back to school and furthered her degree and can now make more money so while she will not be banking much, she can now sustain herself much easier than 4 years ago (which makes me feel a bit taken advantage of, given the timing of it all -- we argued about the alcohol quite a bit but she was never willing to entertain the idea of us separating until schooling ended and she was able to get back to work. School ended about 2 months ago and was supposed to be the "end of the drinking" but it's only increased over the last 2 months, as she has also increased time with her new heavy drinking/partying friends she made in school (time at the bars, taking vacations, etc). That life is more appealing than what I have been able to give her, which, unfortunately, has amounted mostly to quiet nights at home, since any activity we left the house for would have to be one where alcohol was present to interest her (sporting event, neighborhood get together, dinner, etc.)

I continue to wrestle with the fact that she (some days) doesn't drink. Some days drinks a couple with dinner and is satisfied. Other days, she needs to continue. It's random. Makes me wonder, am I the overbearing one? We've been together a long time...has the alcohol use progressed like everyone says it has? Not sure. Peaks and valleys. There were times she was drinking over a 12 pack. Then she was down to a 6 pack. Sometimes half a six pack. Now back up to a 12 pack. The discovery of the red wine buzz opened a new door there a few years ago and that's become a popular choice now (white wine has been abandoned). Over the 9 years...it's gotten worse, then better, then worse, then better...etc. Not progressively worse.

I may be somewhat (or a lot) naive in the way of relationships and never been in one good enough to know what to expect. That may be the bottom line. I must be getting something out of it (or I am a true codependent who gets THAT aspect which is what my brain tells me I need).

The 50% statement is wonderful because I can't say how it has ever felt like a 50/50. However her retort would be that she has not felt cared for, or understood, or supported...so she is not getting what SHE needs either (which may frankly just be acceptance of alcohol abuse and a drinking buddy).

I'll manage on my own but it will be tight. I went into the fray of a new home full well knowing, we're not married, I'm buying this myself, I could end up having to PAY for it all myself. That's very possible. Perhaps it's knowing that the party's over (we were on a budget until she got her loans paid down)...was another factor.

Ironically -- Putting the puzzle pieces together of her past, historically she has exited a relationship when things were JUST about to get normal. She canceled a wedding with a prior partner days beforehand. Our wedding was canceled a month before (we were settled down, no debt, all good, things were about to be drama-free. Suddenly the drinking and crazy behavior). This time, she finished school, we have a new home, life's becoming "normal"...About to have two salaries, no kids, great home, less stress...The drinking and crazy behavior return and reach new levels...4 years since the last time. It's like she is attracted to chaos, to stress...to not WANTING to be in a settled life pattern. Truly frustrating.

TryGuy

Maia,

So sorry to hear what you have been through. I can certainly relate to the "taking care" aspect...all the extras that come with it that are not appreciated or just expected. In my eyes, I was doing too much. In her eyes, I was not doing enough. Or, those are just THINGS, and what I wasn't giving was EMOTIONAL support. I wonder if your XH felt the same.

About coming back...well yes. And last time it was what I wanted and I thought the time apart would be lessons learned and we would correct it all when we got back together. I was mistaken. I will say she didn't change, and I'm sure she will say the same about me. I will say she still hasn't learned to control her drinking, and she'll say I haven't learned to stop trying to control her.

We missed each other the last time we were apart. Getting back together 4 years was weird, but happy and exciting for the both of us. It feels so different this time, the second time around. It feels to me like we can't change or give in and therefore we'd be crazy to ever try it again.

Congratulations on making it to where you are, what a wonderful accomplishment. Much like you feel about your XH and wanting him to be safe, I hope the same for her. I hope she can find a life of peace and safety where she is not endangering herself or others.

jjj111

Tryguy, I say this with great sympathy because I have been there and done that: it seems like you are trying to look at a lot of things through her eyes. You've made a pro-con list from her perspective. You have a really intimate knowledge of her drinking habits, how much she drinks, her range, the types of alcohol she has preferred over the years. But the thing is that you will never really get into her head and you will certainly never be able to change her--she has to want that. It sounds like you are having a hard time seeing the forest for the trees. You might need some support to help figure out how to get back into your own skin and figure out what the pros and cons of your relationship are from YOUR perspective. Al-anon, psychotherapy, reading the book "Co-Dependent No More", and posting here are all things that have helped people here. The big picture is this: she drinks heavily and behaves in ways you find embarrassing. You have become socially isolated and unhappy in the relationship. Time for YOU to figure out what YOU want to do from here.

LexieCat

Not that this is NECESSARILY the case with her, but I know I sometimes nipped at my secret stashes so it would look like I was only having the acceptable one or two.

TryGuy

Indeed you hit the nail right on the head. I journal here because I need to get my thoughts out, but I also do so full-well aware of how crazy it is to try and get inside her head. Yet I don't want to lie to myself either and pretend it's not what pops in sometimes (not always, but sometimes -- I've been doing a lot of thinking of my own as well - how this will change my life, my future, etc).

In doing so though thoughts again went back to her in amazement. In order to be able to drink (not to "be controlled") she is literally willing to give nearly everything she has up and start over. She'll have to find a place to live. Buy a TV. Buy a bed. Furniture. So much to rebuild. Oh, and to boot, she'll lose a person who less than a week ago told her that he loves her and wishes there was a way to make it work. Giving it all up...to keep drinking. Then again, when it's your favorite hobby, and all you have to pass the time, the thing other than working and sleeping you do the most...how do you walk away from that?

I was not surprised to read here of others who said their A had no hobbies. She has none either. Her life is work, sleep, drink. No other interests or hobbies, and any activity should have alcohol as a part of it (or as a treat afterward) or it's not an activity that's worth doing. Rough.

As for the stashes, at least I haven't had a lot of secrecy in the drinking (though it definitely happens faster and at higher levels when I am not home)...She does not try and hide it, knows I will either verbally object or withdraw, tries to include me - "split a bottle of wine with me"....Only on a couple occasions just snuck it. I'm a good detective (though have decided to stop), very observant, probably missed my career calling.

jjj111

Acknowledging that you are fixating on her is a good first step. I'm sure you realize that you've done it again in this last post--you start out by acknowledging the fixation, then move on to discuss her lack of hobbies, her stash, etc.

Maybe it would be a start to spend some time thinking about what qualities you value in a relationship/romantic partner. Try not to think at first about whether she has these qualities or what objections she would raise if you told her these are your values. Just focus on identifying what you value. Doing this might be a first step toward figuring out your boundaries. Once you know what you value and want for yourself, you can start thinking about what boundaries you would need to maintain in order to attract the things you value/desire into your life. (Not sure if you've read up on the concept of boundaries yet?)