Separating From Her Due To Alcohol...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No, see, you don't understand. The "one or two" is the CAMOUFLAGE for the sneaked drinks. If she knows you don't like her drinking, but you wouldn't believe she isn't drinking at all, that's the way it's done. Not recommending the sleuthing to find out, but just making you aware of the likelihood that isn't as random as it might appear. It's hard work being an alcoholic, trust me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Tg- As you can see JJJ is trying to show you the correlation of your obsession with her. She is addicted to alcohol and you are addicted to her.
We all become that way, we feel we need to take care of them. We need to make sure they are safe, its are job not to let bad things happen to our A's.. It is has hard to cut out our addiction to them as it is for her to stop drinking. It is very hard to start thinking what we want or need out of life. They have been the main focus for so long, you lose you.
My XAH struggled big time having to rent an apartment, set up a checking account. deal with splitting all the financials, setting up all the utility accounts doing laundry, shopping, cleaning the house, and on. I allowed him to do nothing, I did it all. (what an enabler!!!!!!) As so will your GF, to deal with all this stress, she has no idea!!!! Besides getting a job, paying her bills and loans.
My XAH immersed him self in white water canoeing (kept running away) Every weekend there was an event to go to with 20 somethings, lot of camping and drinking all day long. One party after another, literally every weekend and even during the week. He loves it, no one to judge his drinking, nag at him about driving drunk or coming in late. As he told me he couldn't be his authentic self when I was around (he meant an drunken axx) But life of an alcoholic is quite lonely. They keep drinking so they don't have to feel the depression, they keep drinking till you pass out, because God forbid you realize that you have no home, family, dog, relationship with your kids or parents. He has given up everything for another obsession/addiction. Besides the medical side of it, now that's another story....
I have received many of texts since the divorce, I miss you, I'm not going to make it and so on. As I said before, its a horrible disease. Keep posting and asking about setting up those boundaries. You are doing great my friend, she will wonder what the heck you are doing!!!! All I have to say, is if you threaten something, follow through!!!
We all become that way, we feel we need to take care of them. We need to make sure they are safe, its are job not to let bad things happen to our A's.. It is has hard to cut out our addiction to them as it is for her to stop drinking. It is very hard to start thinking what we want or need out of life. They have been the main focus for so long, you lose you.
My XAH struggled big time having to rent an apartment, set up a checking account. deal with splitting all the financials, setting up all the utility accounts doing laundry, shopping, cleaning the house, and on. I allowed him to do nothing, I did it all. (what an enabler!!!!!!) As so will your GF, to deal with all this stress, she has no idea!!!! Besides getting a job, paying her bills and loans.
My XAH immersed him self in white water canoeing (kept running away) Every weekend there was an event to go to with 20 somethings, lot of camping and drinking all day long. One party after another, literally every weekend and even during the week. He loves it, no one to judge his drinking, nag at him about driving drunk or coming in late. As he told me he couldn't be his authentic self when I was around (he meant an drunken axx) But life of an alcoholic is quite lonely. They keep drinking so they don't have to feel the depression, they keep drinking till you pass out, because God forbid you realize that you have no home, family, dog, relationship with your kids or parents. He has given up everything for another obsession/addiction. Besides the medical side of it, now that's another story....
I have received many of texts since the divorce, I miss you, I'm not going to make it and so on. As I said before, its a horrible disease. Keep posting and asking about setting up those boundaries. You are doing great my friend, she will wonder what the heck you are doing!!!! All I have to say, is if you threaten something, follow through!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 70
Camouflage - Got it. So the two visible beers conceal the other 4 already out in the trash that have been consumed. I honestly don't think she played this game much (she might have tried but then I sleuthed it out so well she gave up -- been so long, so many years, hard to even remember all the instances).
Maia - Thanks so much for your post. It really hits the mark on a lot of the situation. I put so much energy into worrying about how much she would drink every day or if it would be a "good/low drinking day" or a "bad/heavy drinking day". When she is gone, when I am on my own at an event without her, or even just home alone, and I don't have that to focus on, and can instead enjoy/focus on me and me alone, that is a much more enjoyable experience.
I do again look in the mirror and question my own sanity -- What was inside me that was making me so concerned about it and why couldn't I just look the other way and let her do her thing without feeling like I was responsible?
You and I are similar in many ways as far as what we did for our SO. She had to do this once before 4 years ago, so I imagine she knows she can do it again. It's not like I want her to roll over and die without me. In fact, if she leads a better/happier life this way then it was for the best for her as well as me.
I have ALSO heard the "authentic self" thing before too! How funny! She told me that her drinking/partying/acting obnoxious was the "real her" and that she would have to change her personality and ways to be with me, and I was keeping her from being who she really was.
Thank you for your post, sorry you continue to receive the texts and attempts to break the boundaries. I am hoping for peace for you.
Maia - Thanks so much for your post. It really hits the mark on a lot of the situation. I put so much energy into worrying about how much she would drink every day or if it would be a "good/low drinking day" or a "bad/heavy drinking day". When she is gone, when I am on my own at an event without her, or even just home alone, and I don't have that to focus on, and can instead enjoy/focus on me and me alone, that is a much more enjoyable experience.
I do again look in the mirror and question my own sanity -- What was inside me that was making me so concerned about it and why couldn't I just look the other way and let her do her thing without feeling like I was responsible?
You and I are similar in many ways as far as what we did for our SO. She had to do this once before 4 years ago, so I imagine she knows she can do it again. It's not like I want her to roll over and die without me. In fact, if she leads a better/happier life this way then it was for the best for her as well as me.
I have ALSO heard the "authentic self" thing before too! How funny! She told me that her drinking/partying/acting obnoxious was the "real her" and that she would have to change her personality and ways to be with me, and I was keeping her from being who she really was.
Thank you for your post, sorry you continue to receive the texts and attempts to break the boundaries. I am hoping for peace for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I feel they kind of "groom" us enablers. The a forum tells you that they always find the best enablers to date. Because healthy non enablers would never put up with their crap and would have walked out long ago. Yikes
You keep saying 4 years ago she did fine, but this is 4 years later. Life gets progressively worse for an active a. I can guarantee you, it is not that easy to get rid of the a In your life. You think she will walk away and u will never hear from her again....wrong. if u stick around here, you will have more stories.
Yep, the authentic person speech is nothing but accepting unacceptable behavior from our a's. More part of the grooming and accepting their crap. The problem is, is we accepted it!!!!
It has taken a long time to get here. I attended two alanon and 2 open aa meetings a week for about 10 months straight, besides on SR everyday to be here. I was so SICK. I have learned so much about boundaries, enabling trying to control "the world". Once I gave up, gave power to God to run things, life became easier. It all fell In to place of his plan for me, not mine. I am not to religious, but God know what is best and I feel he doesn't make mistakes. This was a learning thing for me, the hard way. This was my original plan in life, it just took me an extra 20 long years of living with an a to accept it.
My heart breaks for my a. I know he struggles. But he knows what he needs to do in his heart. I no longer discuss what he needs,(stop drinking) he knows in his heart. One day he might go that path, as his father did, or one day he might die from this horrible disease. All i can do is pray for him. Hugs!!!!
You keep saying 4 years ago she did fine, but this is 4 years later. Life gets progressively worse for an active a. I can guarantee you, it is not that easy to get rid of the a In your life. You think she will walk away and u will never hear from her again....wrong. if u stick around here, you will have more stories.
Yep, the authentic person speech is nothing but accepting unacceptable behavior from our a's. More part of the grooming and accepting their crap. The problem is, is we accepted it!!!!
It has taken a long time to get here. I attended two alanon and 2 open aa meetings a week for about 10 months straight, besides on SR everyday to be here. I was so SICK. I have learned so much about boundaries, enabling trying to control "the world". Once I gave up, gave power to God to run things, life became easier. It all fell In to place of his plan for me, not mine. I am not to religious, but God know what is best and I feel he doesn't make mistakes. This was a learning thing for me, the hard way. This was my original plan in life, it just took me an extra 20 long years of living with an a to accept it.
My heart breaks for my a. I know he struggles. But he knows what he needs to do in his heart. I no longer discuss what he needs,(stop drinking) he knows in his heart. One day he might go that path, as his father did, or one day he might die from this horrible disease. All i can do is pray for him. Hugs!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: MD
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by TryGuy 
Maia - Thanks so much for your post. It really hits the mark on a lot of the situation. I put so much energy into worrying about how much she would drink every day or if it would be a "good/low drinking day" or a "bad/heavy drinking day". When she is gone, when I am on my own at an event without her, or even just home alone, and I don't have that to focus on, and can instead enjoy/focus on me and me alone, that is a much more enjoyable experience.
I do again look in the mirror and question my own sanity -- What was inside me that was making me so concerned about it and why couldn't I just look the other way and let her do her thing without feeling like I was responsible?
I have ALSO heard the "authentic self" thing before too! How funny! She told me that her drinking/partying/acting obnoxious was the "real her" and that she would have to change her personality and ways to be with me, and I was keeping her from being who she really was.
Thank you for your post, sorry you continue to receive the texts and attempts to break the boundaries. I am hoping for peace for you.
She also told me that she was always a partier. She said I knew this because that's how she was when we met. Which wasn't true Btw. I was extremely focused on her, I had changed my entire routine to try and prevent her drinking and anger. It was crazy how stressed my life was.
Our circumstances are very similar as I've been reading your previous posts. My heart goes out to you as this is extremely difficult when you truly care about someone.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
