Ugh
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Ugh
I decided to detach with love 30 days ago and go to Alnon meetings and my therapist. It was hard but it was needed. My ABF has been attending his meetings he moved out of his apartment that he was evicted from d/t losing his job. So I told him we could start seeing each other again. After telling him that, he expresses that he felt abandoned by me during his time of need. I listen to him and I told him that am sorry he felt that way but I needed that time. So after I told him that he told me that he needs to take time now for himself. I told him that he was being manipulative. Which of course he said no he was trying to stay sober and needed space. I explained if he would've just said that at first I could've respected that. But your doing this to be mean bc I didn't stay around for him hitting bottom. Basically I told him today am not happy in what this relationship has become since his relapse. And just bc he slipped doesn't mean I hve to be ultra sensitive and not mention things that am not happy about. Is this common does the A usually try to manipulate situation bc he needs all his faculties to stay sober? I know I can be very insensitive in general but told him if he relapses again that although it would be upsetting we just start over again at day one. I can and will be supportive but if he starts exhibitin the behaviors again that caused me to detach with love in the first I will do it again ever time without question. Sorry I just needed to vent
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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as they say here ... recovery looks like recovery. He's manipulating your emotions and support. It was my experience when this type of behavior presented itself, my ABF was using. He was manipulating me for his next high and ensuring that I was a strong supporter (dependent upon his love and attention) or he would begin to plan for another helper. Trust your instinct. When someone accepts responsibility for their addiction and the damage that it has done to others - the recovery is open and honest and accountable.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Given that your relationship has had its ups and downs, he might very well NEED that space. New relationships (or those that have been a source of turmoil) are a distraction in early recovery. Why would your need for "space" be the only need that is legitimate or important here? Neither one of you is obligated to go running back to the other as soon as the one needing "space" decides he or she is ready--BOTH people have to want it.
Give him his space. If he progresses in his recovery, and you progress in yours, maybe at some point you can revisit the relationship. That may or may not happen. Continue to focus on your own recovery. That will serve you well regardless of what happens with his drinking or the relationship.
Give him his space. If he progresses in his recovery, and you progress in yours, maybe at some point you can revisit the relationship. That may or may not happen. Continue to focus on your own recovery. That will serve you well regardless of what happens with his drinking or the relationship.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Given that your relationship has had its ups and downs, he might very well NEED that space. New relationships (or those that have been a source of turmoil) are a distraction in early recovery. Why would your need for "space" be the only need that is legitimate or important here? Neither one of you is obligated to go running back to the other as soon as the one needing "space" decides he or she is ready--BOTH people have to want it.
Give him his space. If he progresses in his recovery, and you progress in yours, maybe at some point you can revisit the relationship. That may or may not happen. Continue to focus on your own recovery. That will serve you well regardless of what happens with his drinking or the relationship.
Give him his space. If he progresses in his recovery, and you progress in yours, maybe at some point you can revisit the relationship. That may or may not happen. Continue to focus on your own recovery. That will serve you well regardless of what happens with his drinking or the relationship.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Then maybe that's for the best. You were talking in your OP about what you would do if he did this or that--relapse, start over with day one; exhibit other problematic behaviors, detach "every time." That cycle could go on for years and years. If you end it, you have the opportunity to move on with your life.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Then maybe that's for the best. You were talking in your OP about what you would do if he did this or that--relapse, start over with day one; exhibit other problematic behaviors, detach "every time." That cycle could go on for years and years. If you end it, you have the opportunity to move on with your life.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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I would go and read the new to recovery forums, as they are a wealth of information. Once again, the A has to be selfish and take care of themselves getting healthy. Not sure if that is what he is doing or not. But read what other A's tell an addict to do, focus on themselves.
Take the time and get to know you and get yourself healthy. Work a program, educate yourself about addiction. Stop fussing over the addict. He will get sober only when he is ready, not with any threats from a girl friend. So if and when he does get healthy, you won't be in the same angry, controlling, manipulating mode that you were in when you dated an addict.
Hugs my friend, do your homework and your relationship will wind up the way God wants it to. Give it over to him!!
Take the time and get to know you and get yourself healthy. Work a program, educate yourself about addiction. Stop fussing over the addict. He will get sober only when he is ready, not with any threats from a girl friend. So if and when he does get healthy, you won't be in the same angry, controlling, manipulating mode that you were in when you dated an addict.
Hugs my friend, do your homework and your relationship will wind up the way God wants it to. Give it over to him!!
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Sounds to me like you both needs your own space in your own recovery journeys and it's not a good idea to work on a relationship during that time. You could always revisit things in a year or two, but my guess is that you'll have SO moved on by then the thought of revisiting a relationship with an A (recovered or not) will have you running for the hills!
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I agree with those suggesting space. My xabf is newly sober (almost 80 days) and we are talking about having a normal relationship again. I did break up with him, and there were times when I decided to go NC, but there has never truly been a complete walk away from each other.
In his recovery we have both expressed our need for continued space and slowness. He has so much nonsense he has to sort out when he gets back form deployment in a few weeks, there will be very little room for him and I anyway. He's gotta get his feet wet and figure out where to live and how to live... find a sober living room to rent... figure out a whole new set of "interests" that don't involve drinking... figure out how to deal with his alcoholic brother, step father, and even his mom who takes lots of pills and often OD's on them... how to be alone when I am not there... That one... being alone, is probably one of his triggers. I am hopeful he'll hit up plenty of meetings to accommodate that without needing me to fill that void.
And in the meantime... I get to keep busy with my own life.... my own goals and interests, instead of pouring myself into him and his recovery (like I have any power over it anyway, because I don't.) And somewhere down the line, we'll see where we end up!
Sometimes leaving is the best. You don't have to feel guilty, and eventually, if he works recovery, he'll understand why left and kept space between you. And no matter when this happens, it is okay, because it is simply his path and his journey.
In his recovery we have both expressed our need for continued space and slowness. He has so much nonsense he has to sort out when he gets back form deployment in a few weeks, there will be very little room for him and I anyway. He's gotta get his feet wet and figure out where to live and how to live... find a sober living room to rent... figure out a whole new set of "interests" that don't involve drinking... figure out how to deal with his alcoholic brother, step father, and even his mom who takes lots of pills and often OD's on them... how to be alone when I am not there... That one... being alone, is probably one of his triggers. I am hopeful he'll hit up plenty of meetings to accommodate that without needing me to fill that void.
And in the meantime... I get to keep busy with my own life.... my own goals and interests, instead of pouring myself into him and his recovery (like I have any power over it anyway, because I don't.) And somewhere down the line, we'll see where we end up!
Sometimes leaving is the best. You don't have to feel guilty, and eventually, if he works recovery, he'll understand why left and kept space between you. And no matter when this happens, it is okay, because it is simply his path and his journey.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Originally Posted by LemonGirl
I agree with those suggesting space. My xabf is newly sober (almost 80 days) and we are talking about having a normal relationship again. I did break up with him, and there were times when I decided to go NC, but there has never truly been a complete walk away from each other.
In his recovery we have both expressed our need for continued space and slowness. He has so much nonsense he has to sort out when he gets back form deployment in a few weeks, there will be very little room for him and I anyway. He's gotta get his feet wet and figure out where to live and how to live... find a sober living room to rent... figure out a whole new set of "interests" that don't involve drinking... figure out how to deal with his alcoholic brother, step father, and even his mom who takes lots of pills and often OD's on them... how to be alone when I am not there... That one... being alone, is probably one of his triggers. I am hopeful he'll hit up plenty of meetings to accommodate that without needing me to fill that void.
And in the meantime... I get to keep busy with my own life.... my own goals and interests, instead of pouring myself into him and his recovery (like I have any power over it anyway, because I don't.) And somewhere down the line, we'll see where we end up!
Sometimes leaving is the best. You don't have to feel guilty, and eventually, if he works recovery, he'll understand why left and kept space between you. And no matter when this happens, it is okay, because it is simply his path and his journey.
In his recovery we have both expressed our need for continued space and slowness. He has so much nonsense he has to sort out when he gets back form deployment in a few weeks, there will be very little room for him and I anyway. He's gotta get his feet wet and figure out where to live and how to live... find a sober living room to rent... figure out a whole new set of "interests" that don't involve drinking... figure out how to deal with his alcoholic brother, step father, and even his mom who takes lots of pills and often OD's on them... how to be alone when I am not there... That one... being alone, is probably one of his triggers. I am hopeful he'll hit up plenty of meetings to accommodate that without needing me to fill that void.
And in the meantime... I get to keep busy with my own life.... my own goals and interests, instead of pouring myself into him and his recovery (like I have any power over it anyway, because I don't.) And somewhere down the line, we'll see where we end up!
Sometimes leaving is the best. You don't have to feel guilty, and eventually, if he works recovery, he'll understand why left and kept space between you. And no matter when this happens, it is okay, because it is simply his path and his journey.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
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Originally Posted by gcolema2
LemonGirl I teared up reading your response. I know I don't hve anything left to give him anymore. It's not that I don't care but I don't care if that makes sense. He's not the type of man that I want in my life.(since he relapse) I just want him to get better and I don't want to worry about him. I just try to call him and tell him let's just work on ourselves separately without any contact at all. I love him but I love myself more. He didn't answer the phone and am glad bc the conversation would've been draining. Am sorry am rambling.
It's going to feel weird and you may even miss him at times... but just keep going. You're in a really good place knowing that you've got to love yourself more and are willing to take the steps to keep you healthy and happy! That's what we're all after here!
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