Small Blessings During Low Moments
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Small Blessings During Low Moments
I had an unexpected moment of real sadness and longing for my ex last night. Unexpected because in the process of moving along and moving forward from the relationship I have been able to move through the anger, frustration, and resentment and I haven't really felt the simple ache of losing love.
It was because of the GOP debate last night. One thing we both shared in common was challenging debate and discussion. Whatever the topic - we would choose books to read and spend days discussing our beliefs about it. Movies, documentaries, topical news stories - it was actually one of the more natural and organic ways in which we grew closer and came to see our similarities in values and beliefs.
It really hit me hard for a while, and I thought back on those times we had. Then, I realized I had to think back almost six months into the relationship before it failed in order to recall some of those warm, fuzzy memories. Just before he stopped working on self-improvement and progression, just after the new year. I can't even remember the last deep conversation we had about anything that didn't come after a fight or apology.
I hadn't even realized, while in it, that the last five months of the relationship was desperate clinging to something out of love and hope, and nothing else. Love that had been nurtured at one point, but wasn't being nurtured anymore. Hope that maybe something would change, and maybe he'd see the light and want to keep any one of those promises to quit drinking. It was startling to realize that.
That was a real jolt for me. I had been so caught up in trying to save someone and trying to save a relationship that I hadn't even taken the time to evaluate what it was that I was trying to save. Hope and love were the fuel, but the foundation had washed away, and hope and love just were not enough to make a relationship endure. I think we let ourselves ignore the lack of foundation in a dysfunctional relationship and rely too heavily on dreams. And when that happens, that dream turns into a nightmare.
Then, this morning, a friend of mine posted an article on a social media page that couldn't have been more perfectly timed. It really strengthened my resolve to read it, so I am going to share, and maybe it will give others the strength and words they need to get through a moment or two.
Love is Not Enough
It was because of the GOP debate last night. One thing we both shared in common was challenging debate and discussion. Whatever the topic - we would choose books to read and spend days discussing our beliefs about it. Movies, documentaries, topical news stories - it was actually one of the more natural and organic ways in which we grew closer and came to see our similarities in values and beliefs.
It really hit me hard for a while, and I thought back on those times we had. Then, I realized I had to think back almost six months into the relationship before it failed in order to recall some of those warm, fuzzy memories. Just before he stopped working on self-improvement and progression, just after the new year. I can't even remember the last deep conversation we had about anything that didn't come after a fight or apology.
I hadn't even realized, while in it, that the last five months of the relationship was desperate clinging to something out of love and hope, and nothing else. Love that had been nurtured at one point, but wasn't being nurtured anymore. Hope that maybe something would change, and maybe he'd see the light and want to keep any one of those promises to quit drinking. It was startling to realize that.
That was a real jolt for me. I had been so caught up in trying to save someone and trying to save a relationship that I hadn't even taken the time to evaluate what it was that I was trying to save. Hope and love were the fuel, but the foundation had washed away, and hope and love just were not enough to make a relationship endure. I think we let ourselves ignore the lack of foundation in a dysfunctional relationship and rely too heavily on dreams. And when that happens, that dream turns into a nightmare.
Then, this morning, a friend of mine posted an article on a social media page that couldn't have been more perfectly timed. It really strengthened my resolve to read it, so I am going to share, and maybe it will give others the strength and words they need to get through a moment or two.
Love is Not Enough
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
minime, I saw that same article posted here some time ago, and I'm glad you brought it up again today. Nope, love ISN'T enough, and the fact that we bought into that fantasy is part of the problem for so many of us...
Ca**ie
Join Date: May 2015
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 87
Love isn't enough
This is the perfect post at the perfect time for me. I have been lamenting how my feelings of love keep bubbling up over my exab, even though I have not seen him for two years. I grew tired of his misery, his anger, his helplessness....his drinking. I grew exhausted over his inability to handle the most simple financial matter. I lost respect over his terrible life choices. So I broke it off. And yet....I still romanticize him, and it drives me crazy. It's like I fantasize that he will show up a changed man; and the love will still burn bright and everything will be good again. This delusional thinking was recently triggered by an anniversary of ours and it's driving me crazy.
I do understand this is really normal for any relationship, but I think especially in an alcoholic one where there are such swings in their behavior. We try to accommodate and take care of them, and we become crazy and unbalanced over time. I clung to the fact that I loved him, because everything else was falling apart. So, thank you for this post and the reminder that it is ok for us to have those love feelings. This too will pass with time and acceptance.
And thank you for the article. It was a good read.
I do understand this is really normal for any relationship, but I think especially in an alcoholic one where there are such swings in their behavior. We try to accommodate and take care of them, and we become crazy and unbalanced over time. I clung to the fact that I loved him, because everything else was falling apart. So, thank you for this post and the reminder that it is ok for us to have those love feelings. This too will pass with time and acceptance.
And thank you for the article. It was a good read.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Acceptance. Yes, this is the key. It sounds like step one: admitting we were powerless.
I have had Christmas and a birthday go by now, and not even a card. I feel reduced to nothing more than a health insurance card and money every month to help with pet and joint credit expenses.
Thanks for sharing!!!
I have had Christmas and a birthday go by now, and not even a card. I feel reduced to nothing more than a health insurance card and money every month to help with pet and joint credit expenses.
Thanks for sharing!!!
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