Could really use some support and words of wisdom
 

Hello

I am new to this forum and so glad so far I have found it.

A little history.

Him: heavy drinker progressively got worse to the point where he was not around he missed a lot right down to the preparation to have our son 6 years ago. He would rather of drank at that point then anything else. He was arrested and charged with a DUI 2.5 years ago. He at that point knew it had to stop. Fell off the wagon three times in the last 8 months. Currently back into AA and with a friend so he has some support and understanding.

Me: Quit drinking almost 7 years ago without issues I just didn't want to do it anymore. I love him support him and I am so proud of him for wanting to over come this.

US: just married this past month. We have been together 12 years. Wanting to move forward and start new chapters in our lives. But there is so damage.

I don't know how to always deal and some subjects I believe are sensitive to his feelings or affected by the drinking to into rage filled fights where I don't know what to do say or even how to approach anything. I am walking on egg shells.

Some topics that are touchy is fixing the past, SEX (pretty much non existent since he got into trouble) money ( we don't have what maybe we could have had if he didn't drink us into the hole)

UGH I need help

Welcome to the forum. It is good he is in AA but are you doing anything for yourself? Are you in Al-Anon or therapy? You can't move forward until you both come to peace with the past. That takes time, honesty,and hard work.

Hello JennieDawn,

Welcome to SR!

You sound miserable. He's not maintaining sobriety. What transpired for you to go through with a wedding one month ago after 12 years of a rocky relationship with an addict partner?

I don't know how to always deal and some subjects I believe are sensitive to his feelings or affected by the drinking to into rage filled fights where I don't know what to do say or even how to approach anything. I am walking on egg shells.

Some topics that are touchy is fixing the past, SEX (pretty much non existent since he got into trouble) money ( we don't have what maybe we could have had if he didn't drink us into the hole)

Sounds like pretty much everything that's essential to a healthy functioning relationship is pretty much off limits as a discussion topic. I don't see how this is supposed to work, unless you basically decide to sit down, shut up and take whatever he dishes out. I have to wonder what you actually get out of this relationship, because he honestly doesn't sound like much of a partner.
Have you been to any Alanon meetings?

Wanting to overcome a drinking problem and taking the steps to overcome a drinking problem are two different steps. You do have to want to overcome in order to finally take those steps, but often you're going to find that there is a lot of distance to cover before that second step is made. During that time you will be in a relationship with the alcoholic who has been present during the entirety of your relationship. Outside of acknowledging the problem, words from an alcoholic have no meaning.

Please don't put hope into words he speaks. Only put hope into actions he takes. Please reach out to find community support - an Alanon meeting may be a good idea. If you are in this no matter what, you may have to take a hard look at the choice to marry this man. With any marriage, you marry the person in front of you, and not the person you hope they'll be. Are you okay with that? If not, then it may be time for you to form a plan and set some boundaries. And definitely take care of yourself and you child, first.

YIKES

I thought this would be the last place I would get shot down with negativity. Thanks for nothing really you guys are completely awesome uplifting and full of encouragement.


NOT like it is anyone's business but I love my husband I know the man that was hiding behind the evil alcohol monster I know his heart I know him better then I know anyone else. I support him yes through his journey to find himself again.

Yes we are far from perfect but the damage done by his drinking is very intense for both of us and for my kids. Yes he fell of the wagon you show me one recovering addict that hasn't done it at least once. No it wasn't a good choice but he recognized it and was back in AA with a better support system then the first time.

I was hoping someone had any insight to the signs and symptoms he shows......mood swings, irritability, lack of interest in intimacy etc........

I wasn't asking for judgement or anything like this.....I had read a number of posts here very similar to my own and thought this was like a safe place for me to share.

Yes we have done counselling together yes I am seeking help and looking into Alanon as I feel it would be beneficial to us both to go through the healing processes together on our own terms.

Hi Jennie,

Welcome to SR. I think 7 years is terrific !!!!!!! congrats. I would never judge you. I spent 25 years with someone. I think when you talk about the raged filled fights, that a lot are responding to that.

I had those rage filled fights, and found out that it wasn't because of the alcohol.

I hope you stick around. I was glad that I did.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

Please don't think anyone here is being negative. We are here because there are things, some of them gut wrenchingly hard, we NEED to hear-although we may not want to hear them.

People suggested Al Anon because it can help you with this. I really don't think anyone was trying to be negative. All we have to go on is the post that you made and, based on that, I would suggest Al Anon as well.

Your husband may be a truly wonderful person and there's nothing wrong with you supporting him through his relapse and recovery. But that does not mean you have to be in an environment where you are walking on eggshells a month after your marriage.

Thank you :)

I'm not afraid of him he isn't abusive just very sensitive and hasn't come to terms with some of the things that we have to address at some point. One of those topics came up and unfortunately as much as I try I just can't seem to do the right thing to help it or calm it down.

Jennie,

I came here to SR because of my own drinking. I was in a horrible marriage with someone that was abusive. I belonged to abuse websites prior to this.

Sometimes, you need to separate the alcohol from the behavior. I didn't want to do that, until I saw that.

You are in a safe place. I love this place.

amy

Our mutual friend who is attending AA meetings with my husband has another wife and a member of an alanon group that he is going to get to get in touch with me. I know it isn't all up to him I know it isn't something that will be fixed with a magic wand.

I thought about it all long and hard before the wedding as it approached. He was happy it was brought a smile to his face I thought about all the good the bad the ugly.....If I didn't leave before I sure wouldn't leave him now. I took my vows years ago although maybe silent but he knew I always had his back. I could never give3 up on another human being.

I just don't know what to do with the mood swings and subjects that he hasn't come to terms with himself or may not know how to talk about with me.

Sensitive, or just refuses to discuss things, and he just shuts down? Then blames it all on you?

Do you have those "circular conversations" where you think you are getting through, but nothing really registers with him?

Just know I care about you.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

No he is sensitive

Once i can break the barrier and let him know he is ok to talk to me he generally does. We all blame others for somethings at some point or another and yes we have had those circular ridiculous convos. We nipped that one in the butt when we went to couple counselling so those came to an end. Cause no matter what the issue TRYING to verbally hurt each other was redundent.

Jennie, I was there with you. I was/am an alcoholic. I didn't know coping skills, I am still learning them now. AA doesn't do this for you, unless you really work it.

Trying to gauge here about his raging? Just know you can always talk to me.

No one here is telling you to leave.

amy

Wanted to say, you mentioned "walking on eggshells". I walked on those for a long time. I started to isolate myself. I felt no one would understand me.

I don't want that to happen to you. I will be here for you. You aren't alone. You reached out.

amy

Honey you will be okay. Thank you so much for posting your story we have your back! Stay positive!:You_Rock_

Mood swings are normal in the first few weeks to months of sobriety. It takes time for the brain to normalize.

I think it would be a good idea for you two to do therapy together again. It will help you to have a structured safe place for both of you to talk about sensitive subjects.

Unfortunately a lot of the work he has to do he has to do alone. I am a recovering alcoholic myself. I know what I am talking about. That's why it could be helpful for you to go to Al-Anon. This way you have an outlet for your feelings as well.

Sobriety is a lifetime journey. If he works the steps and you both commit to recovery it will happen. Patience and time is the remedy

Jennie, I think that most everyone who joined this forum wanted to save their marriage. I just divorced my A after 34 years together. I was 15 years old when we started dating.

For me it came to a appoint that his drinking was getting worse, as alcoholism does. Bad choice after bad choice. We eventually look at ourselves and say what am I doing to my self????? I love my xah to this day and always will. But God needs to help him now. Not me. I tried, and I tried, and I tried, and I tried.
I just couldn't take it any longer.

If you can get to your friends meeting that would be awesome. They say in alanon not to make any decisions for 6 months. Till your head is straight and you are strong enough to execute the decisions you want to make.

We are all here because we love an A. We have all lived some how the things you have described. we all know!!! They also say in alanon, take what you want and leave the rest. Their hearts are big on this forum. Don't take anything personally, as we all understand!!

Hugs my friend, educate yourself and take care of you and your kids. It will fall in order with Gods plan, not ours!!!