Does it always get worse?
 

I'm new here, and I'm at a critical point in my relationship. We are giving it another "one last try". Only this time I don't know if it's too little too late.
My boyfriend (live in) of 3 years-almost 4 is a high functioning alcoholic. He is selfish and spoiled. He's a liar. And has neglected me to the point 2x that I have sought out attention from an x (who in reality nothing could ever happen with as he is a 24 hour drive from where I am, so I've considered it a safe flirtation). He has found out both times by snooping in my phone. Both times I was terribly upset at the thought of ending it. And thought the first time he would see that he was not meeting my needs. A little over a year later, we were/are back at the same place. I told him that if there was EVER a time to be 100% honest, now was it. If he can't fulfill my needs, because they aren't changing, we needed to call it quits. He said he wants to try. We agreed to allowing my to save enough money to move me out should we fail. If we are successful, we will use the money for a nice vacation.
I've had to compromise. A lot. Finally I told him a few weeks ago I just can't afford to give a damn how much he drinks anymore. I just can't. He makes promises, then breaks them and lies. Which is to me the worst thing. At least do it openly. SO I just can't care any more. But I don't know if I can STOP being bothered by it.
I have seen it mentioned now in 2 different articles that 'it always gets worse'. Is this true. Will he get progressively worse? Drink more? I don't know if I can handle it honestly as is. I want to, I love him, but it's hard.

Let me add that I have NEVER cheated, would never actually cheat on anyone, and have NEVER flirted outside a relationship before.
My bf has a good heart and means well, but doesn't seem to understand that not everyone wants what he wants and that what's best or most interesting to him is not best or most interesting to everyone else in life.

Yes it gets worse. Active addiction blows tumble weeds of loneliness through a relationship. Your heart and mind know you are not his center - his addiction is his center.

Hi, Meg, and welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us here--there's a lot of learning and support to be had, and it sounds like you're looking for both. The first thing I'd suggest would be reading around the forum as much as you can. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page; they're a real wealth of information. This thread is from there, and might be a good place to start: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

To answer your question about his alcoholism getting worse, yes, it will. Being a "high-functioning" A is a stage of alcoholism, not a type of A. Alcoholism is a progressive disease--the only variable is how fast it progresses, and the progression is not necessarily linear. A person can hold the line for a long time and then deteriorate badly in a short period of time. We don't get a schedule or advance warning about how long we have until it gets "bad enough."

Let me also add that you might find benefit in going to some Alanon meetings, both for education and support. You can easily google them to find meetings and find what they are about. There are also many posts about Alanon here on the site.

Again, I'm glad you found us here, and I hope you keep coming back to read and post. I wish you strength and clarity as you move ahead.

Yes alcoholism gets worse. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I second the suggestion to check out al anon. It helped me to hear the stories of others who live with alcoholism.

I would also suggest learning all you can about alcoholism. Lying, hiding, denying, being emotionally unavailable, unstable moods, broken promises, blaming, picking fights, all of this and more comes with active addiction.

It sounds like you are already aware that the relationship doesn't meet your needs. Keep posting and reading.

The problems that come with alcoholism don't get better until the alcoholic starts making some real strides in recovery. And even then, sometimes the problems that you might attribute to drinking can turn out to be a part of their sober personality as well.

This might come across as a little bit of tough love, but it sounds to me as though there are trust issues on both sides of the fence. If I had ever flirted with an ex girlfriend on my phone/computer (no matter how far away), my ex wife would have castrated me in my sleep. As a general rule, if you do something that would make you feel bad/guilty if your partner found out, that means you weren't being 100% honest. This world is pretty small, and a 24 hour drive is only a 3 hour plane ride. Another general rule, if it comes to the point where you're seeking romantic encouragement/validation from other men, that should be a sign to move on. Yes, alcohol makes people do terrible things, but the addicts are still people with feelings of their own and the sting of emotional betrayal hurts addicts just as much as non addicts.

Edit: plus if your partner is anything like my ex wife and has 'drunken recall,' as he gets more drunk he will remember things from the past that you did which made him angry. In my case, this invariably led to attempts to draw me in to an argument, and sometimes would result in her getting physical with me. Sometimes it would lead to a complete meltdown on her part in front of a group of friends where she'd put on a melodramatic pity party, and the entire group would think I was a terrible husband as I wouldn't engage the situation and explain the truth behind the exaggerated accusations. All in all, it didn't matter if it was a new problem or an old one from 2-3 years prior that had long been resolved, it would always come back in a drunken argument and didn't get better.

I agree. And of course things go better for a while.

I have actually already requested a calendar for meetings for Al-anon. Trying to figure out if I can really do this. The good times are good, but the bad times are terrible. He's never abusive to me, well, when we are fighting there is name calling, but I feel like that isn't an alcoholic issue. Anyways, I can't find a schedule online.

I know I've broken trust, and because of that I accept that I cannot do everything I'd like to do-like go home, because that's where the x is, without him for the time being.

Sigh. I love him. I'd hate to leave him.

You should be able to find local meeting schedules here:
http://al-anon.org/local-meetings

And ALL of us love (or loved) our A's. If simply loving them was enough, there would be no need for this site. We'd all be living happily ever after....

There are kinds of abuse that aren't physical: emotional, financial...and verbal.

If a close friend told you that their significant other regularly engaged in name-calling and lying, what would you want to tell him or her? Would you think they should put up with that in a partner?

You have 2 choices – remain with him and accept him for who and how he is today which includes all the things that make you feel not loved. Enjoy the moments of calm and have no further expectations that he’s going to turn into the person who “hope” he can be.

OR

You look at the person looking back at you in the mirror and love and cherish her and tell her she deserves so much more than mere moments. You tell her she’s not going to find that while standing on this sinking ship…………..she’s gotta jump and swim to safer and healthier, more loving shores.

I have watched countless "Intervention" episodes where all the alcoholics are in severe detrimental health.... sweating alcohol from their pores, drinking upon waking up, puking and shaking, becoming violent, etc, etc....

My step-dad never got to that point. He was a beer drinker... every night of the week. And it never started before noon. But just the same, he died a little over two years ago from liver cancer. He was never mean or abusive. He never woke up to drink. He never did the puking or shaking. But it still killed him. It ALWAYS gets worse. And death is the worst! No matter how it looks, because all of our A's are "different types", there are ALWAYS the negative similarities, and the possibility of death is undeniable.

Alcoholism is slow suicide.

Holy mole I just didn't see the link to the locations/dates. For crying out loud

Yes. Or at least it doesn't really get better.

Even when the drinking stops, not everything improves to where we can say "This is good enough." For me, I just didn't see there was a difference between a drunk who is abusive and a sober man who is abusive. I think many of us here have found the behaviors that came along with the drinking persisted even after our A's got sober, and so it didn't FEEL all that much better.

That is my struggle. Trying to figure out if I can just 'accept' and 'deal' with it internally. And not get confrontational about it. Because it is what it is and he is unwilling to change.

It gets worse before it gets better (if it gets better at all). It will get worse for both of you, but you're the only one that will really feel it, and unfortunately he is the only one that can choose to take steps to make the relationship better.

You can choose to make your situation better, though. You can choose to apply different thinking to what you are about to get into.

Some questions you may ask yourself: what will be different this time? How will this end differently than the last few times? What has he done to show things will be different? Sure, he's said a lot, but at this point you're probably realizing that actions are louder than words - especially since his words have come to mean nothing because he hasn't held himself to commit to this word.

How will you react if things don't go as planned? I think that the jealousy route is a bad one to take, and particularly dangerous as far as dating an alcoholic is concerned. You don't have to sink to the level of an alcoholic when you're in a relationship with one, and my advice would be not to choose to play those games. Do you feel that approaching the problems and talking is the answer? If not, do you really have a game plan, other than crash and burn, that will help you out of this situation if it doesn't go well?

In any relationship (not just with an alcoholic) you are setting yourself up for failure if you don't fix the problems you have before moving forward. I mean, you really can't move forward, but the attempt to will surely be disastrous. The problems you have with him - selfish, spoiled, neglectful, lying; has he shown you that this isn't going to happen anymore, or are you taking it on his word again? That's kind of a trick question, because an active alcoholic is not capable of doing that, but it is something that you need to think about.

The weird thing is that we give special considerations and let the alcoholic severely bend or break the rules of a normal, healthy, functional relationship when we really shouldn't. Sure, if we accept and embrace being in a non-healthy, dysfunctional relationship, that's the path we choose. But, it's the path that you have to choose if you want to stay in this relationship. If that sounds awful, then maybe you shouldn't choose that path.

The choice that you want - him getting the help he needs and becoming an equal partner to you, is not yours to make. The choice you have is whether or not you want to continue having a dysfunctional relationship with someone that has no way of respecting you. It's not a great choice, but it's the one you have.

Do you feel that is all you deserve? The little bit of whatever it is he gives you today? Because tomorrow it can be less and less.

he is selfish and spoiled. He's a liar. And has neglected me to the point 2x that I have sought out attention from an x (who in reality nothing could ever happen with as he is a 24 hour drive from where I am, so I've considered it a safe flirtation). He has found out both times by snooping in my phone. Both times I was terribly upset at the thought of ending it. And thought the first time he would see that he was not meeting my needs. A little over a year later, we were/are back at the same place.

BOTH of you have made a series of poor decisions, respond to each other in an unhealthy manner and treat each other quite poorly at time.

HE no more DROVE you to seek someone else than YOU drove him to drink. you guys are swimming in a toxic stew. whatever your needs are he is not and cannot meet them. his priority is drinking. and yes it will get worse. it ALWAYS gets worse.

In 12 step programs they add the word "yet" to the this-is-how-bad-it-got stories. It hasn't gotten to the point of my husband getting a DUI, yet. Whatever worse is, it's just one drink away for an alcoholic.

Alcoholism is chronic, progressive, recurrent and terminal, if left untreated.

I chose to leave someone I loved more than myself and I needed to learn self love. I realized my whole world became distorted. I took a look at my values before I left. I value self improvement, honesty, reliability, and respect. I started to change my own values in order to keep him in my life and I started to hate myself for it.
What are your values? Think about what's important to you and who you are when you're the best you can be. That may put things in perspective.
You're in a really tough situation. Alanon will help you feel supported and accepted.

Alcoholism is a slow progressive disease so the answer is yes. In my 23 years of sobriety I've never heard different. "You can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber".