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I just have to get this out

Old 08-05-2015, 02:56 PM
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I just have to get this out

My mom recently fell over and we thought it was a stroke. She went to the doctor's and they did some blood work. The blood work came back the she has dangerously low sodium levels. She was hospitalized a few years ago for a couple of weeks and almost died due to low sodium levels and an E. coli infection. We all know that very low sodium in a life long alcoholic can be caused by liver cirrhosis. If she did have that she would never admit it to anyone but she does have other symptoms of it besides the low sodium. After I read about this I completely fell apart. It definitely felt good to cry because yelling at her isn't going to do any good. I am thankful for my close friends, therapy, al-anon and SR but this is almost getting too real to handle. We have known that she has had issues with drinking for years, I don't even remember her without a problem. I have read many times that cirrhosis is what happens to those who drink their whole lives. But now it is actually happening. My brother sent my mom a link about low sodium and your liver and I would bet anything that she either doesn't read or that she doesn't do anything about it. Which I understand is from the effects of the disease of alcoholism. There is nothing I can do. I don't know if I want to be around her during this time because she is just killing herself or if I should spend time with someone whose days are numbered. I just don't know. It's so upsetting and frustrating. I can't focus on work or school. It's hard to sleep and I don't have an appetite. It is a family disease and at times can be all consuming. Thank you for listening, it feels good to just talk about it with people who actually get it.
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Old 08-05-2015, 03:02 PM
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So sorry you have to go thru this. Glad you have a good support system...I guess if it were me, I would want to find a way to forgive, accept and make my peace with her while she was still alive. That way I would have no regrets later. But in the end you have to pray on it and put her in your Higher Powers hands, but you will come terms with this in your own time.
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Old 08-05-2015, 03:16 PM
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I pray to have peace with her everyday. I guess I need to start praying that I forgive her for anything that she has done as well as that I accept her just as she is. Thank you for the advice. I do expect to come to terms on my own time but I need to give it all over to my Higher Power now.
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Old 08-05-2015, 08:05 PM
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So sorry for what you're going through. I remember how terribly difficult it was when my father was in the end stage of his alcoholism. During the last year he was very sick. He claimed he had pancreatic cancer, but I think there were also liver issues and he was too proud to admit it. In either case, his drinking was the cause. And I struggled with feeling very guilty for not spending more time with him. I could feel my chance to have some kind of happy interaction with him slipping away, and it was so hard to accept that he was never going to be the sober, stable father I needed. Instead, he continued to drink as long as he was able and when I visited him he would sometimes start in on the sherry, and it was awful to watch. Anyway, I hope you will be kind to yourself whether you choose to spend time with your mother or not. It sounds like maybe she isn't really capable of spending quality time with you, and you can only do as much as you can manage without jeopardizing your own well being. ((Hugs))
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Old 08-05-2015, 11:04 PM
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Thank you jjj. It's hard to concentrate on other things right now. I keep playing over situations in my head when I was a kid or in high school or in my twenties where my mom was just awful to me, where she clearly choose her disease over me. It is so clear to me now. I hated her then for those things that she did and remembering them all makes me hate her all over again. It's very hard to forgive her even though I know it's the disease that makes you do all things horrible things. I am grateful that I got sober and out of the grasp of the disease at 30 to be able to enjoy my life. It's good to hear that I don't have to be around my mom at this point in her disease. I have to take care of myself. I feel like I will regret not spending time with her after she is gone but I will hopefully learn to accept that she was just not well enough to have a good relationship with. I have to remind myself over and over again that she is not the person that I want her to be and never will be if she is drinking. I feel guilty and angry and sad and resentful and pity all at the same time. It's exhausting.
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Old 08-06-2015, 01:13 AM
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It's a hard thing to try to figure out , and what would be the best thing to do for your future . My parents were both alcoholics up until I was in my late 30's . They hit rock bottom & stopped .
After my divorce around age 40 my life kind of fell apart , kids were grown- on their own . I became alcoholic - Yes I fell into the same trap , I said I would never do The more heavier I drank , the more I would think back of how bad my childhood was from their drinking .
I began to go visit them drinking & rant over the past . Run them down to dirt - plain nasty things. The things I said were true , but on the other hand . They both had a lot of health problems . Some days I would cry that they had gotten sick , other times I didn't care . Alcohol just had taken me over - I became mean & cold towards them . They had no one but me to help them . I couldn't - even help myself .
I practically stop all visiting because they never would let up about my drinking . My Mom became very ill a year before I became sober . She passed in the hosp. I never went to see her or go to her funeral
Now sober I truly regret , not doing the right thing . No matter what they still were my parents . Only thing that makes me fell some what better is I did sober up before my Dad passed & did what was right by him
Just thought I would tell you what its' like on the other side of the situation . Hope you can find some peace in what you do ..
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Old 08-06-2015, 03:30 PM
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I've never told my mom how much I hated her for her drinking. That conversation is saved for my therapist. I have over 2 years of sobriety and while I didn't do anything horrible to my parents I did cause them worry and we have all moved past my drinking years. So I do have that to be grateful for. I probably will never tell my mom how much she has hurt me, my family doesn't air those kinds of feelings and we were taught to suck it up. I think telling her anything will just make it worse even if it makes me feel better for just a moment. She recently told me how proud she was of me for all that I have accomplished since I got sober and my dad has told me that as well in his own way. I really just need to accept her for who she is and to forgive for all the wrong she has done to me. I have been journaling constantly recently to just get this anger out. I will never show it to her but it helps to just put it down on paper. Thanks for all of your words of advice.
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Old 08-06-2015, 04:01 PM
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I'm happy for you that you didn't go down that path as I did Sober I would never had done it . I was always afraid of my Mother . I have to live with it & the regrets . I was a Nasty alcoholic , hated myself for a lot of years over the foolish things I did .
Its good to have a Mom that's proud of you
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Old 08-06-2015, 11:16 PM
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I am afraid of my mom too! I've been journaling a lot in the last couple of days, writing down everything that she did to me over the years. I may end up writing a book! It does feel good to get it all out, even if it's not spoken to the person who actually did the hurting. I'm starting to be able to concentrate on school again. NestWasEmpty, at least you are sober now so congrats to that!!
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