Finally kicked him out
 

Hi everyone, well as the title suggests Ive finally thrown AH out of the home,the last episode of him not working,bed all day,only waking to drink (albeit not that much) has been enough. Besides anything else I am just sick of paying for everything,shouldering all the responsibilty etc etc. Yes,he may be depressed yes he may be feeling insecure but what the heck dont we all. He actually has nowhere to go but Im afraid after warning him for years that this day would come, where he goes is not my concern. That said,of course I AM hugely concerned,I still love him deeply.
He stumble off to our neighbours with his four pack,looking more pathetic and indignant than ever.
Give me the strength please to see this through for both our sakes.
Hope everyone is okay tonight.
Peace Love and Joy
L.L

GOOD for you - you deserve peace and a comfortable home.

Thank you firebolt, I know I deserve a happy life,Im not convinced I have done the right thing,its all so so difficult,he is virtually penniless and now homeless,no friends to stay with,all his own doing I know. I know he still loves me which makes it even harder. I keep reminding myself Im doing this for HIS own good as well as my own. He will never seek recovery or when living with me and being babysat.

Yes, LL, he will never seek recovery if you are there to take care of him. Good luck my friend. Stay strong and don't let him back in under any circumstances!!

Wow good for you! There is no reason you have to go down with him. I look at it as you are respecting your husband enough to let him make his own decisions.

LPL, I don't see how you could have resolved this any other way. You've warned him, given him second and third chances, and he is still relying on you to look after him.
Tough as it is, it's probably the only way he'll be forced out of his depression and self medicating with alcohol.
Be prepared for him to plead and promise, and try to work on your guilt and good nature. It's important that you hold the line and not mistake promises for action.

Thanks everyone! The worst is yet to come,he hasnt taken this seriously as far as I can tell,not taken any belongings etc or tried to collect anything . I could hear him last night in the neighbours, both enjoying football,laughs and beers.
I have got more done today than I have for ages,the place feels fresh and clean again.
Peace Love and Joy to all
L.L

So what can you do if he won't leave?

Is it possible to change the locks and pack his stuff?

In the U.S., it is very difficult to get someone out of a residence without legally serving them an eviction if they won't leave, even if they aren't on the lease.

Have you checked what you can do legally?

If not, I would so so ASAP because it may be months to remove him if he won't go and he may know that--

Be strong--do what is best for you and as you have noted, he will not choose to get better if you keep taking care of everything so really it is the best for him too.

Im crumbling,I know he is next door (ffs) in a drug taking environment,he is still in the same clothes since yesterday,he hasnt washed or brushed his teeth,I just want to knock on the door and talk to him with promises that things will improve,he has nowhere else to go but this neighbour (snake in the grass) Ifeel like Ive done the wrong thing,maybe Ive pushed him too far and he needs better support how to make a life on his own,I feel like Ive gone too far with my actions. I know I want things to change,and I know I want peace,but maybe I wasnt ready for this?

he DOES have places he COULD go, he is simply choosing the easier softer way, aka next door neighbors. you have been taking care of this man as if he were a lost FIVE YEAR OLD. he has had all the support he could ever ask for. he doesn't want to get better. left to his own devices, he will have another drink, thank you very much.

assuming that he is a full grown adult and has in the past actually HAD a J.O.B. he is certainly capable of making the choices of a responsible productive citizen.

it's been ONE DAY. he hasn't made it more than 500 yards from your doorway. give time time. for you. and trust me, he'll be slinking back looking all pathetic, tugging at your MOMMY hormones. remember that you are not his mom, and he doesn't need looking after or someone to remind him to brush his damn teeth.

Find your strength ! You ARE doing the right thing ! You can't control him, you didn't cause it and you can't cure him. That's all HIS job IF he wants to - these are his choices. You need to start making your own decisions for your own future - that's YOUR responsibility ! Stay strong and think of the future you really do want and start planning the steps to get there !

Liverpoollady - stay strong. If you cannot live with an active alcoholic, then you can't do it. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing.

Just know that you can't give him any more support to make him better. HE needs to be the one to initiate getting better. Only he can get the help he needs.

I gave my RAH a choice...a long term hotel or residential treatment program. I was going to pre-pay for the hotel for 2 weeks and stock it with some food and then leave him on his own. He chose rehab, but I was more than ready to drop him at that hotel and never look back. We have many issues now, if you read my posts but I can tell you that I gave him every ounce of support that I could and it never made any difference.

Stay the course and keep posting if you need support.

blue

You're reaction is one of an adult to a child. That's not a criticism either, it's just the dynamic that has crept into your relationship.

You're instinct is to soothe him, comfort him, but at the moment he's having the time of his life. The crunch will come when the neighbours' welcome fades and he's knocking on your door again.

In one sense I agree with you that he's out there without support. It would make sense for you to look at emergency housing, boarding houses in your area, and services that could help him through the first few months. Normally this is NOT your role, but you need to see there are places he can go, and he knows about them or you'll feel like you have to take him back, and that's not viable.

Maybe you could pay for 2-3 weeks in a boarding house, or similar arrangement, with some basic provisions to get him going, and his welfare payments (if he's eligible for them) directed to his own bank account? There is a social security net in England but he has to access it.

It's a balance between stepping in as his saviour and doing stuff he needs to do himself, and having him back in the house bleeding you dry.

Look on this separation as permanent, make that clear to yourself and him, help him with some information and maybe bridging money, and then at least you'll know if he doesn't get off his arse he's not desperate enough.

Just my suggestions; I'm sorry if I sound bossy!

If you invite him back, its will be ugly. He has been partying for days. What kind of shape is he going to be in. Do you really want that??

He loves not having you bug him about his drinking. He can do what he wants. You said that you enjoyed getting the house clean. He will be ok. Stay busy and let the consequences take affect for him. Dont rescue him, he is a grown man.

When you were talking about crumbling, you sounded like an addict wanting another drink. Look at it like this, he is addicted to alcohol and you are addicted to him. Leave your addiction alone.

Hugs my friend, this to shall pass!!!

I would kick him out, crumble and then let him come home when he pleaded (basically when he wanted) over and over again. The thing I realized later and was confirmed by my ex was I was the only one miserable. He was on a bender and didn't care about anything. He also admitted he always knew I would cave. It's scary how well he was able to play me.

He has places to go. He just chooses to stay next door til he wears out his welcome because he's counting on you to cave. I know it's incredibly hard not to, but that should show the amount of respect he has for you while being an active alcoholic. He's counting on you to go back on your word.

Honestly, I wouldn't even go so far as to spend the time and effort looking around for other places for him. He is capable of doing this himself. He's over there partying and having fun, and is obviously not taking you seriously. Everyone deserves to be taken seriously - even the alcoholic. To me, taking an alcoholic and their problem seriously is protecting yourself and keeping your boundaries that you set. Otherwise, the alcoholic will show you how much they can control your life.

It would be a good idea to find out your legal options for keeping him out of the house, though. It could be problematic if it is under his or both of your names. If you are going to try to hold strong, then make sure that you are legally able to. It's good to be proactive about these decisions, instead of reactive.