Rosalba

I've recently started a new relationship and it's going really well. The down side is that a whole load of **** from the old one - which finished over three years ago - is bubbling up to the surface.

I'd rather leave it out of my new relationship, but I really need to share this with someone...

I was walking on the beach near where I live, and suddenly recalled a time when my now exA was stroking my long hair in an affectionate fashion - then suddenly his face changed, he grabbed my hair and hissed at me with narrowed eyes: "Now - are you just leading me on?"

Weirdly, the memory of it freaked me out more than it did at the time. How strongly denial can operate!

Refiner

That's sad. Your denial had you in survival mode and there's obviously some PTSD too, you poor thing. Congrats on your Beau!

LifeRecovery

Rosalba-

I was struck by your share and one of the pieces I have to remember in my recovery is

The teacher will appear when the student is ready.

I am so sorry for the flashback you had....but it speaks volume that you have enough recovery and space to be able to really experience this emotionally in a way you could not previously.

I hope you are being gentle with you right now and not heaping guilt and shame on top of yourself for not being "over" this.

Rosalba

Actually, that's a very positive way of putting it, LifeRecovery. My current partner commented that I still seemed to be bound to my ex by pain - but on reflection I realised that it's nothing to do with my ex himself. What I'm locating at the moment is a place of regret (for all I gave up to be with him) and the loss of an illusion (everything I thought he was. Hahahahaha...)- WITHIN MYSELF.

I visualised all the old stuff - that it's now safe to experience and let go of - as a huge festering bundle which I was sending out to sea to be washed away. It helped that the sea was particularly rough that week and picturing it pulverised by the waves was easy.

My new partner is kind, sensitive and understanding. But there does come a point when I want to concentrate on the future with him rather than dragging along a traumatic past.

LifeRecovery

I agree so much with what you wrote.

I believe your new relationship is your teacher.

For me recovery has been about being able to be present with my current experience to allow all the past stuff to come up.

It is emotionally at times overwhelming....but I NEVER let myself feel anything in my past before (it was not safe to). Often once I allow myself to feel it it takes it's appropriate space as part of my past.

I compare it to healing a deep wound. I have to open it up, and clean it out before I can sew it back up to expect healing. Luckily I now have the tools to do that (instead of stuffing more infection/junk into the wound).

I am not always patient with where I am in the process however, and "expect" that I should be further along. That is where I lose my footing. The Aug 2nd reading Honeypig posts helped me to see just how hard I am about this kind of stuff.