some times I think I'm actually getting somewhere!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 56
some times I think I'm actually getting somewhere!
Hi everyone, I've not posted in a long while. I do a lot of lurking though!
My situation right now is that my abf is sober, 9 months sober. I'm not resting on my laurels though and am assuming nothing. Everyday I remind myself to live in the here and now, to be mindful, to maintain my own health and to do what makes me happy.
Today I've read a thread concerning not racing ahead, not worrying about the maybe's and what if's- its really struck a chord. I'm so guilty of worrying that it spoils the here and now. The longer my bf is sober the more I worry that it it may not last. I do see behaviours creep in, they come and go. As long as they go I suppose I need not stress. I'm sure my own behaviour can be cuckoo at times!
My bf is in aa, I think he invests himself more sometimes than others but that's his business. I try not to be the "aa police" and organise his week any more.... that's a breakthrough for me!
I try not to swaet the small stuff but be mindful of previous triggers.
I'm hoping this post comes across positively because I'm really trying!
Any tips guys?
xx
My situation right now is that my abf is sober, 9 months sober. I'm not resting on my laurels though and am assuming nothing. Everyday I remind myself to live in the here and now, to be mindful, to maintain my own health and to do what makes me happy.
Today I've read a thread concerning not racing ahead, not worrying about the maybe's and what if's- its really struck a chord. I'm so guilty of worrying that it spoils the here and now. The longer my bf is sober the more I worry that it it may not last. I do see behaviours creep in, they come and go. As long as they go I suppose I need not stress. I'm sure my own behaviour can be cuckoo at times!
My bf is in aa, I think he invests himself more sometimes than others but that's his business. I try not to be the "aa police" and organise his week any more.... that's a breakthrough for me!
I try not to swaet the small stuff but be mindful of previous triggers.
I'm hoping this post comes across positively because I'm really trying!
Any tips guys?
xx
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wellington.....when I listen to the "longtimers" talking (those who have been in AA and recovering for many, many, years)......it appears that it takes about 2-3yrs. for the steps to really "sink in".....others will say that it is even longer.
One has to change the way of thinking...which leads to changes in fundamental attitudes....which leads to changes in actions.
Madam....that is a LOT of change and it comes from submerging oneself in working their program....after they put down the drink.
If he reaches this level of recovery...he will be a different person than the person that you first knew. (He will be different to himself, also).
In time, you will be a different person. LOL!--not micromanaging other peoples lives, for example). In many ways, you will also be different.
He will be an alcoholic forever. In recovery, he will have to be ever vigilant that the disease does not ambush him.
Some people can never get used to the idea of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Some people, also don't really like the new person that emerges in recovery. Your origional relationship was likely founded around the alcoholism---the first person that you knew was the alcoholic him--not the true him.
Time will tell if the relationship will make it. Time, and what y ou BOTH do with that time. He could always decide that he wants a different relationship.
You may, at some point, decide that this is not the relationship or person that you want to make a "forever" commitment to.
(I am assuming) that you are young and you all don't have any children together.
This is a blessing.....in that you are free from later life and committments of children. You can make freer choices.
In other words, what it looks and feels l ike now---may not always be what it looks and feels like.
Just continue to work on yourself and developing your full potential as a human being. The rest will be what it will be......
These are my thoughts for you.....
dandylion
One has to change the way of thinking...which leads to changes in fundamental attitudes....which leads to changes in actions.
Madam....that is a LOT of change and it comes from submerging oneself in working their program....after they put down the drink.
If he reaches this level of recovery...he will be a different person than the person that you first knew. (He will be different to himself, also).
In time, you will be a different person. LOL!--not micromanaging other peoples lives, for example). In many ways, you will also be different.
He will be an alcoholic forever. In recovery, he will have to be ever vigilant that the disease does not ambush him.
Some people can never get used to the idea of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Some people, also don't really like the new person that emerges in recovery. Your origional relationship was likely founded around the alcoholism---the first person that you knew was the alcoholic him--not the true him.
Time will tell if the relationship will make it. Time, and what y ou BOTH do with that time. He could always decide that he wants a different relationship.
You may, at some point, decide that this is not the relationship or person that you want to make a "forever" commitment to.
(I am assuming) that you are young and you all don't have any children together.
This is a blessing.....in that you are free from later life and committments of children. You can make freer choices.
In other words, what it looks and feels l ike now---may not always be what it looks and feels like.
Just continue to work on yourself and developing your full potential as a human being. The rest will be what it will be......
These are my thoughts for you.....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 56
Thanks Dandylion,
We've been together almost 4 years now. He's been in and out of AA for a long time. I'm cautiously hopeful.
I'm no spring chicken- 43 this year but we don't have kids. He has 3 already whom he sees regularly.
I feel like I'm making progress but no one said it would be easy. I hope we make it, I love this guy.
Sounds so simple!
We've been together almost 4 years now. He's been in and out of AA for a long time. I'm cautiously hopeful.
I'm no spring chicken- 43 this year but we don't have kids. He has 3 already whom he sees regularly.
I feel like I'm making progress but no one said it would be easy. I hope we make it, I love this guy.
Sounds so simple!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wellington.....I couldn't help but catch the phrase "in and OUT of AA for years".
Is that l ike being on and off my diet? LOL.
The off part would make me wonder about his true level of commitment.....?
But, then, again, that is not anything you can do anything about. You know, for sure, that the comittment to sobriety has to come from inside him.
All you can do is decide h ow you want to live.
I do hope for the best for you....
You might want to go to the stickies---then go to the classic readings section....then look for the article called: "10 ways to know when your addict or alcoholic is full of crap". It gives you a good measuring stick...lol.
dandylion
By the way--just so you know---43 is young!
Is that l ike being on and off my diet? LOL.
The off part would make me wonder about his true level of commitment.....?
But, then, again, that is not anything you can do anything about. You know, for sure, that the comittment to sobriety has to come from inside him.
All you can do is decide h ow you want to live.
I do hope for the best for you....
You might want to go to the stickies---then go to the classic readings section....then look for the article called: "10 ways to know when your addict or alcoholic is full of crap". It gives you a good measuring stick...lol.
dandylion
By the way--just so you know---43 is young!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 56
Thankyou for saying I'm just a pup!
I've read quite a few of the stickies. My bf is a quirky one. He's a medic himself so is a clever intelligent bloke. He knows what is he is, he has had a long time to come to terms with this. His drinking started at uni, escalated etc etc. Initially aa was forced upon him initially...
He goes to aa willingly 3/4 times a week now, has a sponsor and has a kind of CBT meeting weekly. So far so good.
My insecurites I think are to be expected. My red flags for him are when he "secret shops", this has been a step on the way to picking up a drink.
We do not go on all inclusive/ lazy beach holidays any more as I told him I wouldn't puy myself through the stress as inactivity is a no no for him and he has secretly drank. This doesn't bother me as I'd rather have an active holiday.
What I expect from him is for him to do his best, to use every tool available to manage his illness. I need to be firm with what I am able to/ am prepared to tolerate.
We get on really well, we discuss and don't argue, he gives me space, he appreciates me... all of this is healthy but.... I'm anxious and I doubt myself.
I go to al anon but I just cannot find my voice there. I'm a great "fixer" and could talk all day on someone elses behalf but just not about me... I recognise I have a lot of work to do
x
I've read quite a few of the stickies. My bf is a quirky one. He's a medic himself so is a clever intelligent bloke. He knows what is he is, he has had a long time to come to terms with this. His drinking started at uni, escalated etc etc. Initially aa was forced upon him initially...
He goes to aa willingly 3/4 times a week now, has a sponsor and has a kind of CBT meeting weekly. So far so good.
My insecurites I think are to be expected. My red flags for him are when he "secret shops", this has been a step on the way to picking up a drink.
We do not go on all inclusive/ lazy beach holidays any more as I told him I wouldn't puy myself through the stress as inactivity is a no no for him and he has secretly drank. This doesn't bother me as I'd rather have an active holiday.
What I expect from him is for him to do his best, to use every tool available to manage his illness. I need to be firm with what I am able to/ am prepared to tolerate.
We get on really well, we discuss and don't argue, he gives me space, he appreciates me... all of this is healthy but.... I'm anxious and I doubt myself.
I go to al anon but I just cannot find my voice there. I'm a great "fixer" and could talk all day on someone elses behalf but just not about me... I recognise I have a lot of work to do
x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Yes... most of us find that we can "fix" others, but can't even help ourselves. I know i feel that way!!!
Your post struck a chord with me as well. My "xabf" and I have never really been off of talking terms. We haven't officially made plans to be together, but I'm pretty sure that is where it is headed. He comes home from deployment in less than a month now and he will only be about 90 days sober by then. Which is a drop in the bucket!
So I find myself this morning talking myself through my own hopeful delusions and figuring out what exactly is acceptable with a healthy boundary at this point.
I can totally relate to you on the "future tripping" and the "over-worrying" we do. I woke up from a bad dream this morning and it dawned on me that I was suppressing some fears in order to continue my little fantasy that everything was going to be okay. But at the same time, knowing I can think myself into a frenzy with no real base (except past experiences), I have to be careful NOT to allow these fears to dictate my decisions...
At this point, I think it is perfectly acceptable that my partner understands my need for time... Time to relearn him sober, and time to redo "us", and time for me to rewire my train of thought when it comes to relationships. Just like their addictions are constant work, so too is our codependency. I can extend him time to readjust his life being sober, and vice versa for me.
I just don't see any other way around it since I am operating from years of traumatic events (most of which are not even from him). Time seems to be the only way I can think of to allow the necessary changes to occur so that I am not A.) operating off of fears.... or B.) operating off of a dream
I want to be operating off of reality with my feet firmly planted on the ground.
Your post struck a chord with me as well. My "xabf" and I have never really been off of talking terms. We haven't officially made plans to be together, but I'm pretty sure that is where it is headed. He comes home from deployment in less than a month now and he will only be about 90 days sober by then. Which is a drop in the bucket!
So I find myself this morning talking myself through my own hopeful delusions and figuring out what exactly is acceptable with a healthy boundary at this point.
I can totally relate to you on the "future tripping" and the "over-worrying" we do. I woke up from a bad dream this morning and it dawned on me that I was suppressing some fears in order to continue my little fantasy that everything was going to be okay. But at the same time, knowing I can think myself into a frenzy with no real base (except past experiences), I have to be careful NOT to allow these fears to dictate my decisions...
At this point, I think it is perfectly acceptable that my partner understands my need for time... Time to relearn him sober, and time to redo "us", and time for me to rewire my train of thought when it comes to relationships. Just like their addictions are constant work, so too is our codependency. I can extend him time to readjust his life being sober, and vice versa for me.
I just don't see any other way around it since I am operating from years of traumatic events (most of which are not even from him). Time seems to be the only way I can think of to allow the necessary changes to occur so that I am not A.) operating off of fears.... or B.) operating off of a dream
I want to be operating off of reality with my feet firmly planted on the ground.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
